Apparently there’s been some confusion over what you should and shouldn’t say to your plus-size friends.Well, I’m here to try to help you out. Now, I’m not saying I speak for all plus-size girls out there. Heck, some of us don’t even like to be called plus-size. But I do feel like I speak for at least a fraction of us so I’m gonna go ahead and say this: Sometimes people say stuff to us that freaking sucks.
There. I said it. It doesn’t matter if the person is not trying to be mean or condescending, it can still come off that way. And no, I’m not being “oversensitive” today. I’m just saying, it’s nice to be treated somewhat like a human being every now and then.
What you say: “Wow, you’re soooo confident with your body.” What we hear: “Wow, it’s amazing how you choose to live life somewhat happily even though you’re fat.”
What you say: “Aren’t you worried about your health?” What we hear: “Apparently, I’ve magically apparated into your doctor’s office, looked through your files, and deemed that your doctor was incorrect in proclaiming you to be a perfectly healthy human being.”
What you say: “Do you need workout tips?” What we hear: “I’m assuming you don’t workout and I don’t realize that pointing out your size is probably not the best incentive to get your self-confidence in a good enough place that you’ll even want to work out.”
What you say: “Do you have a thyroid condition?” What we hear: “So what’s your excuse?”
What you say: “Are you just lazy?” What we hear: “Fat = Doing nothing but eating all day. This is an equation I’ve known for years yet your body is giving me a different result.”
What you say: “Don’t worry, some guys/girls are into that.” What we hear: “I don’t want you think you’ll end up alone, some people will lower their standards.”
What you say: “Ugh, I feel sooooo fat today.” What we hear: “I’m feeling self-conscious about myself and choosing to discuss this with my friend who is at least eight sizes larger than me without thinking about how it’ll make her feel.”
What you say: “I just want you to be happy.” What we hear: “Because there’s no way anyone would be happy at your size, right?”
P1: A friend of mine once told me that I'm very lucky that I'm fat because I can know that if I'm dating someone then he must be really interested in me and not only looking for someone with a good body. Then I heard some people have ...
P2: … weird fetishes for fat people (thanks, internet!). I don’t know how I’m suppossed to feel about all this, except … well, sad…
I’m not going to tell you how to feel about these statements. I am going to tell you how I feel about these statements as a fellow fat girl.
Fat girls get used just as much as thin girls. There’s a whole subsection of gross people who think fat women are desperate for attention and therefore must be willing to do anything to get or keep a sexual or romantic partner. Fat women are often degraded both publicly and personally and expected to fall all over themselves the first time someone is nice to them.
I have literally been told, this is a quote, “you should feel lucky that I’m even talking to you, I could get girls way hotter than you and all I want from you is a blow job. It’s not too much to ask considering I’m way hotter than you.” (That dude, rest assured, got nothing but a stern talking to about my self worth and his disgusting personality.)
And yes, there are people with fetishes for fat people out there. I can tell you that the idea of someone fetishising my body totally and completely grosses me out. In fact, I used to run a fat fashion blog where I posted pictures of my outfits every day. I stopped doing it and made the blog private because too many BBW (big beautiful women) blogs kept reblogging my non sexual pictures along side images of fat porn. I have no problem with porn, by the way. But what I was doing wasn’t anywhere near it. Pictures of me in a summer frock holding a puppy and smiling at my husband who is taking the picture: not porn. Not at all.
“Preferring” bigger women and making them a fetish are two wildly different things. For example, my husband prefers chubby women. Nearly everyone he dated before me was thick. That’s just a preference. They were all very different women with different likes and charms and personalities. But he is generally more attracted to curvier women. However, he doesn’t make it weird. When he talks about what he likes about me it isn’t all centered on my tummy pooch or skull crushing thighs.
Someone who prefers a certain body type is able to still see those people as people. As people with thoughts and feelings and minds and distinct personalities. Someone who has a fat fetish sees those people as a plus size fuck doll. Indistinguishable from any other plus size fuck doll.
So yeah, people say fucked up things to and about fat women a lot. I don’t know how to make it stop. But I can tell you that you are just as worthy of feeling loved and wanted and desired in a way that doesn’t make you feel gross as anyone else.
I can tell you that there are people out there that want you for who you are and who will also delight in your body as well, it doesn’t have to be one or the other. A real partner will be with you because they like everything about you, not because they like you enough to overlook your body.
Your body is not meant to be overlooked. You are a fucking goddess. We all are. And we deserve to experience the same love and attraction that anyone else does. And it’s out there. I promise you.
Now, back to your friend: how sad is it that they feel like thin bodies are the only bodies that are sought after? How sad is it that they felt that so deeply that they needed to project that insecurity on to you?
Isn’t the more worrisome thing here that anyone could be pursued only for their body? That thin people worry that they won’t be liked for their mind or personality the same way that fat people worry they won’t be liked for their body?
Isn’t that fucked up that any of us have this concern? That we’ll be liked for anything less than our whole selves?
That makes me really sad. That anyone would have that concern. So how about instead of tearing each other down we just focus on making sure we’re all loved and appreciated as complete human beings. As whole and complex and a part of but not defined by our bodies.
The next time someone says something like that to you I encourage you to ask them if they’re okay. Are you okay? Did someone hurt you? Do you feel like it’s hard to get people to take you seriously because of your body? Let’s talk about that? Let’s address those fears when we encounter them and let our peers know that we see them, we see them beyond their mortal shell.
Also petition to just start calling bodies our “meek corporal form” and acknowledging that the part of us that makes us US is our magnificent souls that ride around in these meat suits.
My meat suit might be bigger than someone else’s, but I promise our souls are the same weight.
the leaves are falling and the sweaters have come out, autumn is here. I wore this cute little outfit to college today and felt super comfy, got lots of compliments about the leggings which made me smile :)
sweater - H&M
leggings - TK Max
bag - thrifted
shoes - Urban Outfitters