fat girl problems

So you are on your fourteenth shower in the last twenty-four hours and yet you feel dirty, your insecurities cling to you better than your skin and they even flow in your bloodstream. 


The word FAT refuses to go down the drain because it is too big to fit in through the hole and the word UGLY is hanging onto you by your nails, the word UNSIGHTLY is stuck in the mirror in front of you and the word LONELY just entered the bathroom. The word UNATTRACTIVE is still your closest friend because it never left, and the word PLAIN-LOOKING is the compliment you’ve ever felt

—  INSECURITIES SCREAM EVEN LOUDER IN SILENCE // JustScribbledWords
On being the fat girl at practice, part 2

It’s been 6 months since I started bjj, and still one of the most awkward experiences for me is going to the open mat.

Take today for example. I felt like I had to beg people to roll with me, and I’m not sure why it’s like that at this gym. Is it a normal thing at every place? Is it just me, taking everything too personally?

If there are people from my class at the open mat then it’s usually a good time. We are more comfortable with each other and, bonus, we are all white belts so we don’t feel like we are wasting someone else’s time.

But if that isn’t the case then it can be incredibly frustrating. There were a few times I tried to ask people to roll and they kind of side-eyed away to another person, or someone asked a group of us on the sidelines if anyone wanted to roll and I said yes, but he went to the next guy in line and asked him instead.

I can’t tell if it’s because I’m a woman, or its because I’m a white belt, or if it’s because I am fat. There was another white belt woman there who wasn’t having any difficultly with guys that wanted to roll, and she is thinner and pretty. It might just be my self esteem, but I feel like I would have more luck if I was prettier? Thinner?

I’ve talked about this with the other few women at the gym, and the other woman around my size feels the same way that I do, but the couple skinnier, prettier girls don’t seem to have that much of an issue with it.

I want to get better, and ever since I can remember my main life goal has been to lose weight. But I hate going to an open mat and having to try to hold back tears because I have to beg people to roll with me for one reason or another. It’s frustrating and makes me feel like this just isn’t the community for me.

I don’t know. I know I probably sound dramatic to most of you, and that’s okay. I just feel like I’m always trying to justify my worth to people, or avoiding people’s stares and rude comments due to my weight. And I usually gravitate to activities and sports that are women-only because I feel safer and more accepted for my size than in a group of men, so bjj is completely out of my comfort zone. And maybe I just am not strong enough to move outside of this comfort zone.

FAT GIRL PROBLEMS

1. chub rub
2. people who see us as a fetish
3. cute clothes are never in our size
4. when clothes are our size, they never fit right 
5. boobs, belly, hip, but, ratio
6. people regularly call you “fat,” as if you never knew
7. “you can have the front seat” when traveling with friends & family
8. you can never find a towel that goes all the way around you 
9. people are surprised when you order a salad instead of a burger 
10. “oh honey, you’re not fat, you’re beautiful”
11. painting your toe nails
12. doing up shoes with the buckle on the sides
13. people who think fat girls don’t have sex
14. cute bra’s and panties in your size are impossible to find 
15. public transport at rush hour
16. fat girl clothes prices 
17. judged if you eat too much, judged if you eat too little
18. the crotch/in between the thighs if your trousers rip too often
19. “sore throat?” .. “Yeah…” …. “It’s because of your weight" 
20.  squeezing past people and still rubbing your body against them
21. body hair in places you never knew existed
22. "you’re so soft can i use you as a pillow?”
23. the stare of death you receive from other fat girls in public
24. “you’re so pretty for a fat girl”
25. no matter who you’re with in public you both get dirty looks
26. shopping with thin friends and only trying on shoes and jewellry
27. “would you like that meal as a large?”
28. stairs
29. the fact that it’s socially acceptable to make fun of fat people
30. booths in restaurants
31. your family automatically plate up XL portions of food for you
32. “have you put on weight?” at every family gathering
33. you can never find pretty bangles or rings that fit you
34. “you should go to the gym with me”
35. “you’d be so much prettier if you lost 100lbs”
36. irregular periods
37. we’re treated worse than murderers/rapists/pedophiles by society
38. people are shocked when they see you eat fruit
39. “fat girls have to try more with their personalities”
40. we’re made to feel like shit by society, and it’s fucking wrong. We are fucking beautiful. We have as much right to love ourselves and feel great, just like every other human being. Rock on fat girls. 

Fat girls, I love you. 

Dating isn't for me. ...

It’s hard dating while you’re plus size. Guys act like they don’t know you in person but be all on your dick behind close doors.

Or you’re used to being turned down so you don’t approach guys at all.


Orr you are the only big girl out of the group of your friend’s so you dont have a chance because his guy friends only like em skinny.


Orrr you stay home scared of being called names Or stared at. And avoid the dating scene all together.

I’m so nervous. I got a message from Scott last night inviting me to the family dinner for his birthday on Wednesday, that he’d love if I went with him. I’m just both super excited and really scared. Lol. I already know his mom since she works at the library too so some pressure is off but the rest? His two brothers and dad and whoever else? I just hope they like me. Mostly I’m worried cause I’m still so embarrassed of myself. I’m not thin and beautiful and I just don’t want to screw up. And I really really like him and don’t want him to be ashamed or embarrassed of me. :-/