fat f

Sometimes the customer is wrong for unrelated reasons.

Due to the well of my friends’ “def not an axe murderer” date recommendations drying up, I have turned to that most sacred of modern relationship institutions: online dating. As a very busy person trying to get it in with other very busy people, I prize honestly and directness above all else when it comes to profile creation. I include full body shots in my photos, try to minimize the use of MySpace angles in selfies, and write at the very top of the summary/caption/profile that I am fat. Not “curvy,” not “thick,” not “lots to love”–I’m f*cking fat. I’m not ashamed of it, but I also known that weight is a dealbreaker for lots of people. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

About a year ago I met “Evan” via Tinder. We exchanged friendly messages for a few hours one night and agreed to meet up for drinks the following evening. I waited for a full hour past the designated time, and just as I was getting up to leave, the texts started rolling in.

“I can see you sweating from here.” “How long does it take you to roll out of bed every morning?” “Is there an earthquake or are you just getting up for more pretzels?”

Really idiotic, juvenile shit. Four separate numbers, commenting on things like my clothes, which clued me in that the senders were nearby. This went on for 15 minutes before I finally saw Evan, trying to hide in at a corner table and giggling with a group of buddies. I made eye contact, saw that he saw me, and then walked out. The texts kept up until I blocked the numbers a few hours later.

I ran into Evan about 3 weeks later. We got on the same elevator, and he tried really hard at being super interested in the emergency phone instructions. I just confronted him, and he admitted it was just some “game” that him and his friends play. He knew I was fat before agreeing to meet up; they all did, because that’s what they do. Match up with fat women, then either ghost them or “troll” them at the meet-up. It was also kinda obvious he’d never seen any consequences from this bullshit, as he was sweating pretty hard and looked more humiliated than I felt. I just said whatever and walked out, expecting to never see him again.

About a month ago, some local foodie wrote a great review of the restaurant I own, and we’ve been slammed ever since. In the past, I stayed mostly in the kitchen, but I’ve been doing more and more front-of-house stuff lately, and Valentine’s Day I was working a bit of a split between the two.

I saw Evan just as he was pushing in his date’s chair. My name isn’t on the restaurant, and he didn’t see me. I checked the section up at the hostess stand and saw that one of my favorite old-timers, Nan, was going to be his waitress. I went to the bar till, took out $400, put it in her hands, and said, “This is going to be your only table for the rest of the night. You are going to make this the worst date he has ever been on.”

She spilled every single thing she brought out to the table, all over him. I was waiting for him to blow up on Nan, but he bottled it up, obviously trying to make a good impression on his date. She seemed like a perfectly lovely lady; I told Nan to make sure everything was good for her and terrible for Evan.

She poured ice water on his d*ck. She smacked the back of his head with the edge of a tray. Spilled soup on his shirt. Dropped every fork he asked for. I personally oversalted his food, used the shit liquor for his drinks, used flour instead of sugar on his dessert. To be honest, I don’t know why he didn’t just walk out. He must have really wanted to f*ck this woman.

Finally, he cracked. Demanded Nan find the manager and bring her out. I was only too happy to emerge from the kitchen with my chef’s coat and say what, I’m not ashamed to admit, I’d been planning out all night.

“I would have said hi earlier, but I didn’t want the earthquake to disturb your dinner.”

I will savor the look on Evan’s face for the rest of my life.

He was a little too flummoxed to explain, so I pulled a chair up to the table and introduced myself to his date, Amanda. Told her how I met Evan. Showed her some fun old messages. Then I told gave her a voucher for a free meal on her next visit and told Evan to get the f*ck out and never come back.

He deleted his Tinder profile.

10

Doctor who + chips

What Ham says: Sit down John, you fat mother f*cker!

What Ham means: An open letter to the fat, arrogant, anti-charismatic, national embarrassment known as “President John Adams” (sh*t). The man’s irrational. He claims that I’m in league with Britain in some vast international intrigue?! Bitch, please! You wouldn’t know what I’m doing. You’re always going berserk, but you never show up to work. Give my regards to Abigail next time you write about my lack of moral compass. At least I do my job up in this rumpus. That line is behind me; I crossed it again, while the president lost it again. Aw, such a rough life, better run, tell your wife that the boss is in Boston again. Let me ask you a question. Who sits at your desk when you’re in Massachusetts? They were calling you a dick back in ‘76 and you haven’t done anything new since. You’re a nuisance with no sense. You’ll die of irrelevance. Go ahead, you can call me the devil, you aspire to my level, you inspire to malevolence. Say hi to the Jeffersons! And spies all around me, maybe they can confirm. I don’t care if I kill my career with this letter, I’m confining you to one term. You fat mother f*cker!

Teach Me - Stuart Twombly

Author: @mf-despair-queen

Characters: Stuart Twombly/Reader

Word Count: 7399

Warnings: NSFW, 18+, Mention of Oral (both receiving), Actual Oral (female receiving), Orgasm Denial, Public Sex, Hate Sex

Notes: I procrastinated a lot on this all week. So I’m sorry. But can I say I’m kind of proud about how his came out? I hope ya’ll like it. 

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*goes to see doctor for a flu* *doctor voice* “hm. this virus is probably because youre overweight, try going on a diet” *goes to see doctor because of allergies* “yeah the grass hurts your eyes because you need to lose weight probably” *goes to see doctor because my arm got cut off* “your diagnosis is: have you considered the fact that you are fat”

hamilton ( cut songs/workshop versions ) sentence starters !!

the reality is not a pretty picture.
tell him to stay home!
you have invented a new kind of stupid.
i begged you to take a break, you refused to.
you’re the only enemy you ever seem to lose to!
i look at you and think ‘god what have we done with our lives, and what did it get us?’
i’m not here for you.
 i will choose her happiness over mine every time. 
she died. she’s gone. ❞
 she changed my life. she made my life worthwhile. 
 sometimes it seems that’s all we do. 
 you and i will build a strong foundation. 
 you’ll blow us all away, someday. 
 just apologize, we have worthier pursuits! 
that’s when i realized this was not a game. 
 i want the world to know what i intended to do. 
 he must have been so scared. 
 i never had his instinct for self preservation. 
 it’s not in his political interest to kill me. 
 god, i can’t wait to see her again. 
 bitch, please! you wouldn’t know what i’m doing! 
 the line’s behind me, i crossed it again. 
 you fat mother f– ! 
 we in the shit now, somebody’s gotta shovel it. 
 if you knock me down i get the fuck back up again. 
 you swing at my family, you better not miss. you better have another punch to throw. 
 you could let it go. 
 people will always be critical. 
 let other people be cynical. 
 you’re smiling because you know i’m right. 
 you didn’t kill him, did you? 
 were you here this whole time? 
 you don’t have to bring a gun to a knife fight. 
 you know you really ought to listen to your wife, right? 
i hope you’re happy. 
 you could have given me a word of warning. 
 shhh. haven’t you talked enough? 
 i need you by my side. 
 i have a plan, but it’s risky. 
 but i couldn’t turn my back on a nation in need. 
 PAY YOUR FUCKING TAXES! 
 teach them how to say goodbye. 
the enemies i’ve made won’t have anything on me now. 

private tutor | part one

request from anon: Can I request a namjoon in college!au? It can be about anything! Maybe a tutor? Thanks and I love your writing!!

Originally posted by yoonkooks

[Namjoon x Reader]

Genre: College!au, Humor

Words: 3535

—> “I am brilliant, thank you very much. But if you don’t have a form of payment, I’m afraid I will have to decline your proposal.” You fall to your knees, hands clasped together, “Please, Namjoon; I’m willing to do anything.” The last word causes him to look away from his book and down at you, taking in your rather pathetic self. A smirk stretches across his lips, “Anything?”

A/N: Joonie can tutor me any day ;) hope you guys like this part one/intro of this series (i’m thinking three parts?)! xoxo


Well, this is awkward.

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An Embarrassing Trip

                      An embarassing trip to the doctor                                                                                                                                                                                

1

  The nurse glances down at the clipboard, then at you, then back at the clipboard and smirks.

“Wow, so yeah, we definitely need to do a weigh in, you CERTAINLY aren’t 158 anymore.”  

Your face gets hot. In your rush to make the appointment  you grabbed a too-small shirt and now suffer the stares of waiting patients. Your muffin top balloons over the top of your tight pants. You squeeze your wide bottom into the chair and feel the wooden arm rests  press your fat love handles. You must look a sight with your soft hog belly filling your lap, laced beautifully  with light stretch marks, and your deep, obvious belly button. An older woman sitting next to you pats your plump forearm,

“It’s good to see you’re doing something about it, dearie, it doesn’t look like those pants could hold you in much longer.”

You flush red, she continues, “I just don’t know about your generation, you’re  all getting so FAT. Believe me, I know, I’ve got a big fat pig for a granddaughter and she just won’t lose weight no matter how I remind her boys don’t like fatties. Now mind you, she’s not as big as you, thank god, but she will be if−”

The nurse interrupts and calls your name. You wriggle your fat-packed hips out of the chair and make your way across the silent waiting room. Your blubbery thighs rub loudly. She leads you  down a long hallway.

“Ok, miss, here you are, we’ve got you scheduled for a weigh in, and an appointment with the dietician. Do yourself a favor and listen to her before Barnum and Bailey put you on speed dial,” She pokes your soft, dimpled tummy and laughs.

The room is cool and white, an examination table sits in the center. There is a treadmill, a scale and a full length mirror. Good god, you think, getting even more aroused. A cute, energetic nurse comes in moments later and picks up your chart.

“Hi, I’m Clara, I’m going to take your weight and pulse, the doctor will be in shortly. Please strip down to your underwear and bra.”  

You struggle out of your tight jeans, face reddening.  You begin to sweat lightly. Your love handles and belly wobble  and bounce and jiggle embarassingly as you tug your meaty hips free. The nurse smiles as you struggle and puff and puff.  She checks your chart again and raises her eyebrows.

“Oh dear, no wonder those pants are so tight,” she moves closer as you stand in your tight panties and bra, your uncooperative jeans stuck halfway down your hips, your overfed gut bulging and jutting well past your bloated tits. Your excess fat squeezes out around your too-small bra straps. She presses her palm into your soft piggy pot and gives it a hard jiggle. Your hips and back fat  wiggle wildly. Your nipples stiffen. Your thighs begin to get hot.

“Look at all this blubber, you naughty little piggy,” she laughs loud, “Look at how you jiggle!”  You feel your chest and throat constrict, your double chin wobbles slightly.  She slides her thumb deep into your belly button and clutchs your soft  underbelly with her fingers. She lifts, tugs, bounces your fat-bloated pot. She   slaps it and watches it wobble.  "Look at all this pork ,you overstuffed hog, you’ve been a VERY greedy piggy since we last saw you, haven’t you?“

You feel yourself about to come.

” Yes.“

She giggles.

"I bet it feels good to admit that, fatty.  Now lets get that wideload of yours  on the scale.”

You waddle onto the scale, your distended gut leading the way. She  takes your weight and notes it on the chart then  directs you to sit on the examination table. The door opens and a young man pokes his head in, “ Hi Clara, sorry to interrupt, but the doc is delayed, I’m going to send Denise in when she finishes up next door. Should be in a minute or two.”

She turns to you as the man leaves, “Denise is the dietician, you’ll like her.”         

2

  A few minutes later the door opens. As Clara leaves,  a fit, lovely woman with a pile of black hair  enters. She smiles and extends her hand, “Hi, I’m Denise.” Her hand is warm and dry and soothing.

“Let’s have a look at your chart…Oh my,my, my,  it looks like you’ve gained quite a bit of weight this year…hmmm… well, no matter, it  happens sometimes. Please stand and turn around, we’re going to measure your body fat.” You heft yourself off the table and turn your back to her. Papers ruffle, metal scrapes. She grabs a generous roll of fat under you armpit and tugs firmly, your nipples pucker, your clit hardens. The cold, steel calipers pinch  and release. You hear the pen scratch across your chart. “Hmm that was a thick one,” Denise says, “I bet it represents quite a few midnight snacks, eh fat girl?” She laughs. Your breath catches in your throat, goosebumps run up your inner thighs and arms.  You feel so exposed. She grabs a huge handful of love-handle meat  and leans near your  ear, “I don’t know if the calipers can measure this one, you greedy blimp.” She lifts and squeezes and  tugs and shakes  your  blubber-packed flank.  She rolls the fat in her hand, then wobbles it. The caliper spring creaks as Denise tries to open it wide enough. A sharp pain  shoots up your side as she forces your bulging fat into the calipers.

“Ouch,” you say.

“Jesus, I’ve never seen such fat love handles, I guess I’ll just write ‘huge, fat PIG’ in the space they have  here for the measurement.” She laughs.

You begin to pant. She comes close again and grabs both bloated handles. The calipers clatter to the floor.  She begins to knead and mush the soft fat. She slides her hands around to the front of your belly and begins grabbing handful after handful. She slides a finger in your deep navel and lifts and teases your fat. Her manicured hand  slides down the front of your panties, she pinches your fattened pubic mound. She squeezes the fattened area around your clit and starts to get you off with the extra pudge. You moan deeply.  She whispers in your ear, “ Reach under my skirt, you fat f*cking HOG, I’ve got a beautiful, hard cock strapped on that’s perfect for a soft, lazy tub like you.”  

You reach under her skirt and grab the hard cock. You clit tightens almost painfully, swelling, swelling.

“Stroke it,” she says, “stroke it, lard ass, nice and slow,” she slaps the side of your belly. You wince, and grunt at the delicious heavy joggle of your fat.

Your panties are soaked, you rub the hard cock, Denise moans, you oink. She grabs your blubbery inner thighs and pinches and drags her nails lightly. You keep your rhythm. Stroke, stroke, stroke.   She leans over, panting,  to an intercom and depresses the 'talk’ lever. “Gretchen darling, would you run next door and grab two dozen   jelly-filled and a gallon of heavy cream.” The intercom buzzes back garbled static. Denise smiles, “She’ll be here in about five minutes. Get on your knees, you overfed porker, and show me how good you are with those plump piggy lips.”  

You kneel down, flushed and puffing with excitement.  She pulls up her leather skirt  and shoves the cock in your mouth. She tugs lightly at one swollen nipple as you begin to suck and oink greedily. “That’s it you big overfed fat hog, suck it. Suck it and oink  like a good fat piggy,” you suck nosily, slurping and oinking and burying the cock in your mouth.

She leans sideways while you suck and grabs a huge handful of your belly fat and lifts and shakes it,  "We’re going to test this gut for capacity when Gretchen gets here to see just how much this overfilled bag of pig fat can hold.“ Her teasing makes you greedier. You slurp loudly, your clit tingles, hard and hot,the quick bobbing of your head causes your back fat and upper arms to quiver noticeably. Denise gasps loudly and starts to come. You come moments later.

You struggle to your feet, hot and sweating. The examination room door opens and a wide, fat blonde woman waddles in . Her belly is massive, you can see the deep outline of her belly button through straining pants as her belly fat shifts around under the tight fabric. She is carrying two large pink cake boxes and a tankard of heavy cream. You can hear the cold cream slosh and see grease soaking through the boxes.  Denise jerks you to your feet and bends you over the examination table. Gretchen smiles at you and sets the boxes near your face, "Oh she looks like a greedy one,” she says to Denise, “ I should have got three boxes of jelly-filled.”

Denise laughs, “Feel that huge gut she’s put on, Gretch.” Gretchen reaches forward and hefts your soft, hanging belly.

“Wow,” she says lightly squeezing and tugging,  " she really stores in around the hips and waist, don’t she.“

Denises laughs again. Gretchen pops the top of the first box and picks up a glazed donut. Dark jelly oozes and drips onto the table. She holds the donut just out of reach and makes you smell it.

Denise pulls up her skirt and yanks down your panties. Your swollen lips stretch apart as she pushes inside you.

"Beg for the donut, you greedy fat ass,” Gretchen says.

“Mmph, please, feed me,  feed me like a fat f*cking pig.  I’m such a fatty…shove it in my piggy snout.”  Gretchen presses the donut into your mouth, jelly squirts into the back of your throat, glazed sugar fills one nostril and smears your cheek. Denise clutches your wide hips in bulging handfuls and thrusts as deep as your fattened ass will allow. You moan through mouthfuls and mouthfuls, through packed cheeks and a craning neck. Gretchen stuffs you like a Christmas goose. Jelly squirts onto the table, your throat packs with more sugar and dough. Your eyes rolls back in your head, your heart pounds. Denise moans as she f*cks you 

“Eat you ***ing blubber pig,  that’s it you overfed ***ing  HOG, fill that fat gut.”

Your head swims; your heavy swelling  gut slaps against your thighs, Gretchen forces you to chug heavy sweet cream, you gut swells, then sags, under the weight of your feeding. She continues to feed you, Denise reaches around your filling bulk and plays with your clits as she fingers you. You feel your ribcage and belly stretch to accommodate your stuffing. You inch closer to orgasm, so  full, oh god, so  stuffed. Gretchen shoves more in.

“That’s it wideload, pack that gut, you think you’re the first one, how do you think I got this?” she yanks down her tight pants and plops her massive white belly on the table, she shoves a donut into her navel then pushes your face in after it.

“That’s it hog,” Denise yells, “eat right out of her fat belly, we’re going to grow you one like that you lazy porker.” You start to come: the sweet jelly, the warm softness of Gretchen’s belly, your secret desire to be fattened like an absolute PIG, orgasms explode through you: you come, Denise comes, Gretchen comes.

Denise and Gretchen help you back into your tight clothes, it’s hard not to giggle. They only get the lowest button  of your jeans fastened;  you’re just too bloated. They laugh. They help you into your shirt  which won’t stay down past your ribs. Denise tugs it down, you breathe, it rides back up. More laughter. You waddle into the hall feeling like a parade float,too satisfied to care the state they’ve left you in. Your top rides up showing your alarmingly bloated  belly which stretches out before you round and tight; your pants are unbuttoned down to the last button and still the thick fat of your waist squeezes well over the belt line. You lean slightly back as you pilot your tubby piggy pot towards the exit. You’re red-faced and sweating, your eyes glassy from orgasms and sugar and cream.  Your belly sloshes painfully from side to side.

The receptionist and the people in the waiting room gasp collectively as you puff, puffing just before you waddle your soft, overfed bulk into view.  You’ve never felt so full (or so satisfied.) You cradle your belly with one hand, balance yourself against a wall with the other, and, with shallow breaths,  move slowly towards the door. You turn to the receptionist intending to say 'I’ll call to schedule my next appointment,’ but what comes out is “BUUURRRRRAAAWWWPPPP!!!!”  The receptionist turns pale,  waiting patients inhale sharply, you open the exit door and ease slowly into the warm sunshine.  

health masterpost 🇫🇷

santé (f) - health
hygiène (f) - hygiene
bien-être (m) - wellbeing
en bonne santé - healthy (of a person)
sain - healthy (of food)
maladie (f) - illness
malade - ill
cardiaque - to do with the heart
mental - mental
nuisible - harmful
nocif, -ive - harmful
nuire (à qqc) - to harm (something)
vivant - living
vivre - to live
vie (f) - life
mort - dead
mourir - to die
mort (f) - death
décès (m) - death (euphemistic term)
hôpital (m) - hospital
hospitaliser - to hospitalise
ambulance (f) - ambulance
pharmacie (f) - pharmacy
soins médicaux (mpl) - hospital care
soigner - to care for
traitement (m) - treatment
médecin (m) - doctor
docteur (m) - doctor
patient(e) (m,f) - patient
infirmier, -ière (m,f) - nurse
pharmacien(ne) (m,f) - pharmacist/chemist
chirurgien(ne) (m,f) - surgeon
chirurgie (f) - surgery
médecine (f) - medicine (in the sense of studying medicine)
médicament (m) - (pharmaceutical) drug
médicaments (mpl) - medicine (in the sense of drugs)
drogue (f) - drug (usually in the sense of recreational drugs)
drogué - drugged
pilule (f) - pill
contrôle des naissances (m) - birth control
grossesse (f) - pregnancy
enceinte - pregnant
préservatif (m) - condom
cerveau - brain
cérébral - cerebral/to do with the brain
don (m) - donation
greffe d’organe (f) - transplant/graft
médical - medical
avoir mal à la tête/au dos/aux jambes/etc. - to have a headache/back ache/leg ache/etc.
piqûre (f) - injection
prise de sang (f) - blood test
vaccin (m) - vaccination
peau (f) - skin
amputer - to amputate
cancer (m) - cancer
diabète (m) - diabetes
difficulté (f) - difficulty
assurance (f) - insurance
symptôme (m) - symptom
souffrir - to suffer
douleur (f) - pain
vomir - to vomit
crise cardiaque (f) - heart attack
s’évanouir - to faint
s’effondrer - to collapse
tension (f) - blood pressure (also means tension and voltage)
alimentation (f) - food, diet
malbouffe (f) (informal) - junk food
obésité (f) - obesity
être en surpoids - to be overweight
anorexie (f) - anorexia
peser - to weigh
gagner du poids - to gain weight
perdre du poids - to lose weight
grossir - to become fatter
maigrir - to become slimmer
épidemie (f) - epidemic
accroître - to increase
risque (m) - risk
sédentaire - sedentary
équilibre (m) - balance
calorie (f) - calorie
protéine (f) - protein
glucide (f) - carbohydrate
matières grasses (fpl) - fat (in diet)
gras (m) - fat (on meat)
graisse (f) - fat (on person)
fibre (f) - fibre
sucre (m) - sugar
sucré - sugared/with added sugar
lait (m) - milk
sel (m) - salt
salé - salty/with added salt
euthanasie (f) - euthanasia
endormir - to put someone to sleep (euphemistically)
sommeil (m) - sleep
infection (f) - infection
guérison (f) - curing
rétablissement (m) - recovery
remède (m) - remedy/cure
anxiété (f) - anxiety
dépression (f) - depression
désespérance (f) - hopelessness
troubles (mpl) - disorder (also troubles)
craindre - to worry
condition (f) - condition
dépendance (f) - dependance, addiction
accro (à qqc) (informal) - addicted (to something)
consommation (f) - consumption
stupéfiant (m) - narcotic
alcohol (m) - alcohol
ivre - drunk
bourré (informal) - drunk
toxicomane (m,f) - drug addict
toxicomanie (f) - drug addiction
tabac (m) - tobacco
tabagisme (m) - nicotine addiction
Remets-toi vite ! / Remettez-vous vite ! - Get well soon!

Most iconic moments from Hamilton
  • Don’t act surprised, you guys, cUZ I WROTE ‘UM - OWWWW
  • SOUTHERN MOTHERFUCKING DEMOCRATIC REPUBLICANS
  • “I’m a general, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
  • ANDI’MNEVERGONNASTOPUNTILIMAKEEMDROPANDBURNEMUPANDSCATTERTHEIRREMAINS
  • “My dog speaks more eloquently”
  • “Where have you been” “Uhhh, France.”
  • We’re reliable with the LADIEEEES
  • I will send a fully armed battalion to remind you of my love, Da dada da daa
  • Imagine what go’n happen if you try to tax our whiskeyyyyyy
  • “and Peggy…”
  • nEVER GO’N BE PRESIDENT NOW - never go’n be president now
  • We had a spy on the inside, that’s right - HERCULES MULLIGAN
  • “Who’s the best?” “C’est Moi”
  • Uh do whatever you want I’M SUPER DEAD
  • Hey, turn around, bend over, I’mma show you where my shoe fits
  • And when I meet Thomas Jefferson I’mma compel him to include women in the sequel - WERK
  • TAKE THE BULLETS OUT YO GUN, THE BULLETS OUT YO GUN
  • “Burr?” “Sir?” “Close the door on your way out”
  • CALL ME SON ONE MORE TIME
  • “My name is Phillip, I am a poet, I wrote this poem just to show it”
  • SIT DOWN JOHN, YOU FAT MOTHER-F*****