fat f

Sometimes the customer is wrong for unrelated reasons.

Due to the well of my friends’ “def not an axe murderer” date recommendations drying up, I have turned to that most sacred of modern relationship institutions: online dating. As a very busy person trying to get it in with other very busy people, I prize honestly and directness above all else when it comes to profile creation. I include full body shots in my photos, try to minimize the use of MySpace angles in selfies, and write at the very top of the summary/caption/profile that I am fat. Not “curvy,” not “thick,” not “lots to love”–I’m f*cking fat. I’m not ashamed of it, but I also known that weight is a dealbreaker for lots of people. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time.

About a year ago I met “Evan” via Tinder. We exchanged friendly messages for a few hours one night and agreed to meet up for drinks the following evening. I waited for a full hour past the designated time, and just as I was getting up to leave, the texts started rolling in.

“I can see you sweating from here.” “How long does it take you to roll out of bed every morning?” “Is there an earthquake or are you just getting up for more pretzels?”

Really idiotic, juvenile shit. Four separate numbers, commenting on things like my clothes, which clued me in that the senders were nearby. This went on for 15 minutes before I finally saw Evan, trying to hide in at a corner table and giggling with a group of buddies. I made eye contact, saw that he saw me, and then walked out. The texts kept up until I blocked the numbers a few hours later.

I ran into Evan about 3 weeks later. We got on the same elevator, and he tried really hard at being super interested in the emergency phone instructions. I just confronted him, and he admitted it was just some “game” that him and his friends play. He knew I was fat before agreeing to meet up; they all did, because that’s what they do. Match up with fat women, then either ghost them or “troll” them at the meet-up. It was also kinda obvious he’d never seen any consequences from this bullshit, as he was sweating pretty hard and looked more humiliated than I felt. I just said whatever and walked out, expecting to never see him again.

About a month ago, some local foodie wrote a great review of the restaurant I own, and we’ve been slammed ever since. In the past, I stayed mostly in the kitchen, but I’ve been doing more and more front-of-house stuff lately, and Valentine’s Day I was working a bit of a split between the two.

I saw Evan just as he was pushing in his date’s chair. My name isn’t on the restaurant, and he didn’t see me. I checked the section up at the hostess stand and saw that one of my favorite old-timers, Nan, was going to be his waitress. I went to the bar till, took out $400, put it in her hands, and said, “This is going to be your only table for the rest of the night. You are going to make this the worst date he has ever been on.”

She spilled every single thing she brought out to the table, all over him. I was waiting for him to blow up on Nan, but he bottled it up, obviously trying to make a good impression on his date. She seemed like a perfectly lovely lady; I told Nan to make sure everything was good for her and terrible for Evan.

She poured ice water on his d*ck. She smacked the back of his head with the edge of a tray. Spilled soup on his shirt. Dropped every fork he asked for. I personally oversalted his food, used the shit liquor for his drinks, used flour instead of sugar on his dessert. To be honest, I don’t know why he didn’t just walk out. He must have really wanted to f*ck this woman.

Finally, he cracked. Demanded Nan find the manager and bring her out. I was only too happy to emerge from the kitchen with my chef’s coat and say what, I’m not ashamed to admit, I’d been planning out all night.

“I would have said hi earlier, but I didn’t want the earthquake to disturb your dinner.”

I will savor the look on Evan’s face for the rest of my life.

He was a little too flummoxed to explain, so I pulled a chair up to the table and introduced myself to his date, Amanda. Told her how I met Evan. Showed her some fun old messages. Then I told gave her a voucher for a free meal on her next visit and told Evan to get the f*ck out and never come back.

He deleted his Tinder profile.

10

Doctor who + chips

things in musical theatre that always gets me that I realised during a road trip
  • that bit in waitress, “you’re my dOCterr”
  • the harmonisation in what’s inside
  • when dawn goes “I’m not defensive!”
  • that bit in hamilton where everyone sings over each other in non-stop
  • “I hope that you… burn”
  • when john sings the rise up bit in my shot
  • “SIT DOWN JOHN YOU FAT MOTHER F*CKSTICK”
  • Angelica. everything she says and does.
  • the choir in once upon a december
  • “hey balaga, ho balaga, hey hey ho balaga, hey hey hey balaga, the famous troika driver”
  • Lucas Till going “WOOoooOOooOOooOOOooooOoOOooOoooOOOoooOAH”
  • that bit in the duel “DRINK WITH ME MY LOVE, FOR THERE’S FIRE IN THE SKY, AND THERE’S ICE ON THE GROUND, EITHER WAY MY SOUL WILL DIE” - relatable
  • and when everyone goes “corpulence”
  • honestly everything piere says like yes hand me the existential crisis
  • and whenever amber gray opens her mouth goddamn
  • when everyone sings over each other in 96,000
  • “the only room with a view is a room with you in it”
  • literally everything the piragua guy says
  • “Hey guys, it’s me! The biggest disappointment you know.” - nina is me
  • basically whenever Mandy Gonzalez sings tbh
  • in 21 chump street when naomi sings “take the money justin, please just take the money”
  • and in cousin where justin goes “looooooooooove”
  • in a day in falsetto land when they all sing over each other frick yes
  • “AND STILL THE BASTARD DIVORCED ME”
  • “EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT” and then when you realise it won’t be
  • “god you’re a pAIn in the aSS”
  • literally whenever the lesbians from next door speak
  • when they harmonise in “the tango maureeeeeen” in tango: maureen
  • when joanne goes “so be wise ‘cause this girl satisfies”
  • all of seasons of love, every version, it’s beautiful and iconic and frick if that song didn’t define my childhood
  • when kevin goes “i’ll do something inCREDible that blows gods frICken mIND” in you and me (but mostly me)
  • “I CAN’T BELIEVE JESUS CALLED ME A DICK”
  • the harmonisation in poor thing
  • when everyone sings together in arabian nights
  • the genie’s rendition of tale as old as time - petition to get James Monroe Iglehart to sing a full version
  • “Why shouldn’t I fly so far from here?”
  • heather chandler going “you’ve come so far why now are you pulling on my dICK”
  • allllll the harmonisations in candy store
  • and blue
  • in come from away when they go “I am an Islander”
  • when bev mimicks the wwii pilots “Hey lady, hey baby, hey! Why don’t you grab us a drink?”
  • and then, “well they can get their own drinks” and that cute lil laugh after
  • “suddenly there’s nothing in between me and the sKYYYYYYYYYYYYYY”
  • “And that’s how we started speaking the same language”
  • when everyone is praying together holy shit that moves me every time
  • “cause I’m freaking out, you’re freaking out and we’re all 👏 freaking 👏 the 👏 fuck 👏 out”
  • anytime someone says “you are there and I am hereeeeeeee”
  • “hot towel, hot towel, c o l d towel?”
  • in legally blonde, elles voice crack when she says “some girls were just meant to smile”
  • “and with the chance I’ve been given I’m gonna be dRIvEn aS hELL”
  • “with fear and shock and aWEEEEEEE”
  • when they’re all singing at the end of blood in the water
  • the entirety of Ireland and the reprise
  • the blatant subtext jokes in take it like a man
  • “ ‘cause i feel so much better than befOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE”
  • in Miss Saigon “and now I’ll leave remembering heRRRR,, just heeeeerrrr”
  • tbh whenever the engineer has a solo, I mean he was an arsehole, but it was the only fun thing in that musical
  • “I still believe he’ll come for me” - kim, my heart, my only wish was for her to happy and safe goddammit
  • the literal entirety of “ascot gazette” in my fair lady
  • and show me
  • “READY, AIM, FIRE!!”
  • the humming in wouldn’t it be lovely
  • allllll of heaven on their minds in jesus christ superstar, it’s literally the only song that hasn’t been done wrong in any version
  • “HOSANA, HEY SANA, SANA, SANA, HOSANA, HEY SANA, HOSA N A”
  • “JESUS CHRIST, SUPERSTAR, DO YOU THINK YOU’RE WHAT THEY SAY YOU ARE?”
  • also everythings alright
  • okay there’s so much for newsies so this’ll be short but “Newsies on a mission! Kill the competition! Sell the next edition! We’ll be out there, CARRYING THE BANNER”
  • “strike! strike! strIKE STRIKE STRIKE STRIKE STRIKE OOOOOOOOOOOH S T R I K E”
  • dear evan hansen in waving through a window going “WAVING, WAVING WOAAAAAAHHHHHHH WOAHOHOHOH”
  • “has been hard (hard) has been bad (bad) has been rough. (KINKY!)”
  • “if I stop smoking crACk”
  • alll of you will be found
  • “DONT BE A PENIS THE MAN IS A GENIUS” - iconic from something rotten! every. fucking. time
  • all of it’s hard to be a bard
  • in do you hear the people sing “IT’S THE MUSIC OF THE PEOPLE WHO WILL *NOT* BE SLAVES AGAIN”
  • “who am i? TWO FOUR SIX OH ONEEEEEEEE!”
  • “AS LUCIFER FELL”
  • frick literally all of les mis is iconic

Okay that’s pretty much all I got through before my phone went flat and then the trip was boring but yeah

What Ham says: Sit down John, you fat mother f*cker!

What Ham means: An open letter to the fat, arrogant, anti-charismatic, national embarrassment known as “President John Adams” (sh*t). The man’s irrational. He claims that I’m in league with Britain in some vast international intrigue?! Bitch, please! You wouldn’t know what I’m doing. You’re always going berserk, but you never show up to work. Give my regards to Abigail next time you write about my lack of moral compass. At least I do my job up in this rumpus. That line is behind me; I crossed it again, while the president lost it again. Aw, such a rough life, better run, tell your wife that the boss is in Boston again. Let me ask you a question. Who sits at your desk when you’re in Massachusetts? They were calling you a dick back in ‘76 and you haven’t done anything new since. You’re a nuisance with no sense. You’ll die of irrelevance. Go ahead, you can call me the devil, you aspire to my level, you inspire to malevolence. Say hi to the Jeffersons! And spies all around me, maybe they can confirm. I don’t care if I kill my career with this letter, I’m confining you to one term. You fat mother f*cker!

Teach Me - Stuart Twombly

Author: @mf-despair-queen

Characters: Stuart Twombly/Reader

Word Count: 7399

Warnings: NSFW, 18+, Mention of Oral (both receiving), Actual Oral (female receiving), Orgasm Denial, Public Sex, Hate Sex

Notes: I procrastinated a lot on this all week. So I’m sorry. But can I say I’m kind of proud about how his came out? I hope ya’ll like it. 

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hamilton ( cut songs/workshop versions ) sentence starters !!

the reality is not a pretty picture.
tell him to stay home!
you have invented a new kind of stupid.
i begged you to take a break, you refused to.
you’re the only enemy you ever seem to lose to!
i look at you and think ‘god what have we done with our lives, and what did it get us?’
i’m not here for you.
 i will choose her happiness over mine every time. 
she died. she’s gone. ❞
 she changed my life. she made my life worthwhile. 
 sometimes it seems that’s all we do. 
 you and i will build a strong foundation. 
 you’ll blow us all away, someday. 
 just apologize, we have worthier pursuits! 
that’s when i realized this was not a game. 
 i want the world to know what i intended to do. 
 he must have been so scared. 
 i never had his instinct for self preservation. 
 it’s not in his political interest to kill me. 
 god, i can’t wait to see her again. 
 bitch, please! you wouldn’t know what i’m doing! 
 the line’s behind me, i crossed it again. 
 you fat mother f– ! 
 we in the shit now, somebody’s gotta shovel it. 
 if you knock me down i get the fuck back up again. 
 you swing at my family, you better not miss. you better have another punch to throw. 
 you could let it go. 
 people will always be critical. 
 let other people be cynical. 
 you’re smiling because you know i’m right. 
 you didn’t kill him, did you? 
 were you here this whole time? 
 you don’t have to bring a gun to a knife fight. 
 you know you really ought to listen to your wife, right? 
i hope you’re happy. 
 you could have given me a word of warning. 
 shhh. haven’t you talked enough? 
 i need you by my side. 
 i have a plan, but it’s risky. 
 but i couldn’t turn my back on a nation in need. 
 PAY YOUR FUCKING TAXES! 
 teach them how to say goodbye. 
the enemies i’ve made won’t have anything on me now. 

*goes to see doctor for a flu* *doctor voice* “hm. this virus is probably because youre overweight, try going on a diet” *goes to see doctor because of allergies* “yeah the grass hurts your eyes because you need to lose weight probably” *goes to see doctor because my arm got cut off* “your diagnosis is: have you considered the fact that you are fat”

the difference between josh being annoying and banging pots and pans to get a rise out of people, and jody/paul the rest of these people who have said/done TERRIBLE problematic things is that josh is more than likely not like that in his real life, whereas the rest of them ARE pieces of shit in their real lives.

《 Face 》

¤ eyes = ochi
¤ nose = nas
¤ mouth = gură
¤ eyebrow = sprânceană / eyebrows = sprâncene
¤ forehead = frunte
¤ lip = buză / lips = buze
¤ chin = bărbie
¤ cheek = obraz / cheeks = obraji
¤ nostril = nară / nostrils = nări
¤ temple = tâmplă
¤ eyelash = geană / eyelashes = gene
¤ ear = ureche / ears = urechi
¤ mole = aluniță / moles = alunițe
¤ wrinkle = rid / wrinkles = riduri
¤ freckle = pistrui (the same for plural)
¤ dimple = gropiță / dimples = gropițe

《 Body 》

¤ head = cap
¤ chest = piept
¤ neck = gât
¤ navel = buric
¤ waist = talie
¤ hip = șold / hips = șolduri
¤ leg = picior / legs = picioare
¤ thigh = coapsă / thighs = coapse
¤ breast = sân / breasts = sâni
¤ shoulder = umăr / shoulders = umeri
¤ arm = braț / arms = brațe
¤ palm = palmă / palms = palme
¤ hand = mână / hands = mâini
¤ back = spate
¤ armpit = subsuoară / armpits = subsuori
¤ elbow = cot / elbows = coate
¤ wrist = încheietură / wrists = încheieturi
¤ ankle = gleznă / ankles = glezne

《 Foot + Hand 》

¤ toe = deget / toes = degete
¤ little finger = degetul mic
¤ index finger = degetul arătător
¤ middle finger = degetul mijlociu
¤ ring finger = degetul inelar
¤ thumb = degetul mare
¤ nail = unghie / nails = unghii

《 Adjectives 》
¤ bald = chel
¤ chubby = dolofan / durduliu (m) - durdulie / dolofană (f)
¤ fat = gras (m); grasă (f)
¤ skinny = slab (m); slabă (f)
¤ muscular = musculos(m); musculoasă(f)
¤ short = scund; scundă
¤ tall = înalt; înaltă
¤ tattooed = tatuat; tatuată

《 Phrases 》

¤ to be fit = a fi în formă
¤ to be short = a fi mic de statură
¤ to be (all) skin and bone =a fi piele și os
¤ to be fit as a fiddle = a fi sănătos tun
¤ to be looking really good = a arăta extrem de bine
¤ to be really hot = a fi bun (adj: bunăciune) - this is somewhat slang because not all of us use it, usually teenagers. ( I particularly say this word when I see a good-looking boy/man in a movie, so you can understand the context)

Mult noroc! Good luck!

private tutor | part one

request from anon: Can I request a namjoon in college!au? It can be about anything! Maybe a tutor? Thanks and I love your writing!!

part one // part two

Originally posted by yoonkooks

[Namjoon x Reader]

Genre: College!au, Humor

Words: 3535

—> “I am brilliant, thank you very much. But if you don’t have a form of payment, I’m afraid I will have to decline your proposal.” You fall to your knees, hands clasped together, “Please, Namjoon; I’m willing to do anything.” The last word causes him to look away from his book and down at you, taking in your rather pathetic self. A smirk stretches across his lips, “Anything?”

A/N: Joonie can tutor me any day ;) hope you guys like this part one/intro of this series (i’m thinking three parts?)! xoxo


Well, this is awkward.

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