fat and fierce

Accepting myself

Someone asked me to talk about my journey to happiness with myself and so here it goes.
When I was about 9 or 10 I realized I was chubbier than a lot of people; that my face was just as thin as the skinny kids and that my body was just chubby. I had a rough time loving myself then. When I turned 12 I was in 6th grade and I didn’t really have a huge amount of friends (shoutout to bethany, miranda, gerardo, and anyone else who remain my friends even when I was strange) Then we had this camp where all the 6th graders go and for a week experience nature! I was in a cabin of boys and it was fun but what changed my life was meeting Braylee who to this day remains one of bestfriends. She was in the girl cabin that partnered my boy cabin. I was always more calm talking to girls and so I saw Braylee standing alone-ish and approached her, luckily our last names were a letter apart because alphabetically we spent the rest of camp hanging out. She thought I was hilarious and loved who I was and she was probably one of THE most popular girls in our grade and I was essentially a soft spoken but very creative kid in the background and she made me realize my potential. She didn’t see my weight or my flaws she saw the person I was inside and from then on she introduced me to her friends and they were just as sweet. When I got back from camp I spent my whole summer before junior high with my bestfriends bethany and Miranda with my new confidence. I started snowballing with this new confidence as far as making friends went and soon enough I had made a name for myself… everyone knew who I was, I did everything that made my heart happy. I played football and was in musicals. I sang in choir and brought home gold medals in musical theatre, theatre, poetry and prose interpretation. I graduated in the top 10% of my class and even spoke at my graduation… I learned to love everything I had to offer and that’s what gave me my confidence.
Of course it wasn’t until this last year that I finally was able to take off my shirt and feel confident about my body but all of that led up to this… and I am so very proud of myself for finally being happy with myself.

6

These booties are the product of Tumblr. Years back themamafox posted her rad self with a pair of steampunk inspired boots, and I had to have them. Hers were sadly sold out BUT I did find these Foxy Bumblebee Babes. Everything else is Forever21, of course.

So this weekend was St. Louis Pride. I marched in the parade for the first time with starbucks on my last day as a partner, and this photo showed up on a local news site. Part of me was horrified because you can clearly see my size…. but then I realized–I looked like I was having such an amazing time, my weight didn’t matter. I have struggled with loving my body and have always been told that fat is ugly, by my mother, by society, by everyone… but here, with this photo, I’m starting to believe that maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe I’m just me, I’m here, I’m fat, I’m queer, I’m fucking awesome, and all of that is perfectly okay. 

So here’s to me in this photo, looking fat, looking queer, and looking fierce as hell. You go, me.