Summary: By little choice of her own, the reader is pulled into the Millenium Falcon for a mini off-base vacation with Han and Chewie. Though, when you’re flying on the fastest hunk-of-junk in the galaxy, things are sure to go wrong by the dozens.
Word Count: 3000+
Warnings: None that I know of! Lmk if I missed anything!
You hurried with a search-and-rescue team toward Hangar Five after receiving an urgent message from Han Solo. Since Han had specifically requested for you, they allowed you to lead the team. When you reached the door to Hangar Five, you typed in the code, the door opened, and you ran inside to see Han cleaning the outside of his ship, the Millennium Falcon. He looked up from the spot he was shining and smiled.
“Chewie, come out here! Our help has arrived,” he announced as he put his rag away. The search and rescue team shifted behind you and you heard murmurs of disapproval.
THIS IS TO ADDRESS EVERYONE WHO’S COMPLAINING ABOUT THE STAR WARS TEASER AND THE NEW LIGHTSABER. SO LISTEN UP YOU STUCK UP, HALF-WITTED, SCRUFFY-LOOKING NERF-HERDERS BECAUSE AMATEUR HOUR IS OVER AND I’M ABOUT TO DROP SOME SERIOUS NERD FLOWS.
Most Sith lightsabers were constructed with an artificial synthetic crystal, aka: synth-crystal.
Since these crystals were man made, they could easily be made wrong. Which makes them highly unstable. This exchanged blade control for stronger cutting power.
If you’ve played The Force Unleashed, then you should know of unstable crystals and how they flicker and look more jagged and chunky.
As for the design itself, this is not the craziest lightsaber ever conceived. Darth Nihl’s lightsaber consisted of a standard length blade and an extra long hilt. Not exactly conventional is it?
“But Rishi,” I hear you say, “The design of the handle doesn’t matter as long as the blade remains the same.”
WRONG. A HEAVIER AND LONGER HANDLE WOULD OBVIOUSLY CHANGE HOW YOU HANDLE THE SABER ITSELF. THE LENGTH, WEIGHT AND DESIGN OF THE HANDLE ALL HAVE AN EFFECT ON HOW YOU FIGHT.
And let’s not forget the Saberstaff. Wielded by one of the coolest yet short-lived villains ever:
“But Rishi,” you say again through my pointless rant, “Darth Maul’s double-bladed lightsaber is not that unconventional. A lot of people have used one.”
I FUCKING KNOW. BUT WHAT I’M GETTING AT IS THAT IT’S DIFFERENT FROM THE NORM. BUT IF THAT’S NOT ENOUGH, CHECK OUT EXAR KUN’S LIGHTSABER:
A standard saberstaff right?
His lightsaber was double ended yes, BUT IT ALSO HAD AN AVERAGE LENGTH HANDLE UNLIKE THOSE OF DARTH MAUL AND OTHER DOUBLE ENDED BAD ASSES LIKE SATELE SHAN. IMAGINE CONSTANTLY TWIRLING THAT SHIT ABOVE YOUR HEAD WITH ONLY ONE HAND. FWI LIGHTSABERS ARE GOD DAMN HEAVY.
But I’m sure you wanna talk about blades and not the handle itself at this point. Alright. I’m game.
How about Githany’s infamous lightwhip?
Not exactly a conventional ‘blade’ now is it?
It was also wielded by a person by the name of Lumiya, who basically had a cat o’ nine tails version of it:
“But what if he/she cuts his wrist off with one of the lightsaber crossguards?"
BITCH YOU THINK A JEDI WOULD EVEN CONSIDER WIELDING THAT THING IN BATTLE WITHOUT MASTERING EVERY ASPECT OF IT FIRST? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TRAINING AND PRACTICE IT TAKES TO WIELD EVEN A NORMAL LIGHTSABER?
IMAGINE WIELDING A STRING OF PLASMA, LET ALONE SEVERAL, FLOPPING AROUND IN EVERY WHICH DIRECTION. THAT TAKES SOME SERIOUS SKILL. SO MUCH SO THAT LUKE MOTHERFUCKING SKYWALKER EVEN HAD TROUBLE WITH IT AND HAD TO BUILD A SHOTO LIGHTSABER (basically just a shorter lightsaber) TO DEFEAT LUMIYA:
Any more questions before we continue?
"But the smaller side blades have no purpose. If a lightsaber hits the base of the side blades, it’ll just cut right through.”
There exist several materials that can withstand lightsaber strikes. Such as cortosis, which only lasts for a few slashes. A lightsaber would eventually make it through. And Mandalorian Iron. This shit will block a lightsaber indefinitely. There are a handful more. The list isn’t long, but my point is that there are things that a lightsaber cannot cut through.
“Then why don’t they make armor or ships out of Mandalorian Iron or these other materials?"
I WAS GETTING TO THAT. THEY’RE RARE AS FUCK. FORGET CRAFTING FULL BODY ARMOR LET ALONE AN ENTIRE SHIP WITH THAT STUFF.
But a lightsaber handle, or even just the bases of the smaller horizontal blades would be easy to find enough Mandalorian Iron for.
Now let’s finally move onto the trailer. I’m gonna say that J.J. Abrams’ attention to detail is absolutely amazing. Let’s look at the famous controversial lightsaber shall we?
Look at the way lightning arcs off of it and how jagged and chunky it is. Very much like the screen shot of The Force Unleashed, no? It even sounds different from a conventional lightsaber. If you’ve seen the trailer, you know how it sparks and crackles.
Or what about the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy?
See the new square radar dish? Remember how the old round one got knocked off in Return of the Jedi?
The details don’t stop there. The new X-wings?
Pay attention to their wings:
And how they’re different from the T-65’s we’ve grown to love. This clearly hints at a heavily upgraded version.
Same with the TIE Fighters. The original:
And the new. Notice how the color palette is completely reversed. Again, hinting at a major overhaul.
IN CONCLUSION, THIS TEASER WAS AMAZING AND ALL THE CHANGES EVERYONE IS COMPLAINING ABOUT ARE TOTALLY FAIR AND MAKE SENSE. BUT HEY, WE ALL KNOW YOU’RE GONNA GO SEE THE MOVIE ANYWAY. I’M FUCKING EXCITED AND YOU SHOULD BE TOO.
You don’t need to beat Lando Calrissian in a game of sabacc to get your
own Millennium Falcon. Plus this version of the fastest hunk of junk in
the galaxy from Pottery Barn Kids is a lot more comfy to sleep in.
I love how the Millennium Falcon is simultaneously the best and worst ship in the universe. It’s a hunk of junk, but it’s the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy, and it’s fantastic when the hyperdrive actually works.