farts in your face

things girls look for in boys:

  • goofy, friendly, and adorable personality
  • bright smile
  • high-pitched yet strangely cute screams
  • tall leggies
  • really cool
  • and cute too
  • loves the ocean and marine creatures
  • strategical mind
  • smartly practical
  • loves his friends a lot
  • selfless and protective
  • like he’d literally sacrifice himself for his friends
  • really handsome and suave
  • loves space and astronauts
  • sweet and kind
  • a bit talkative
  • but has a really cute and attractive way of talking
  • likes to take care of his looks
  • a noble gentleman
  • yet would fart or burp in your face without a prior notice
  • loves his family. a lot.
  • skilled sharpshooter
  • has a rival who he really, really cares for
  • loves the color blue
  • flirts with anything and everything that moves
  • pretty brown hair
  • attractive blue eyes
  • beautiful brown skin
  • cuban
  • lance

do you think lance is the type of person who thinks babies are cute until they spit up on him? like he could be holding one of his cousins or his little sibling(s) and he’d be having the time of his life and being generally cute and adorable with the youngins but then they start drooling, vomiting, or pooping/peeing and he just screams “MOM!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!! I’M LITERALLY GOING TO— [gags]”

Horse Body Language for Writers

Hello! Because I see a lot of bunk weird-ass body language used in fantasy novels, I thought I’d drop some knowledge on actual horse body language, as opposed to that you’ll see in corny movies. You cannot trust movies, okay? They add horse sound effects in every scene with horses when in reality horses are very quiet. Movies lie.

ANYWAY.

Here’s some basic facial expressions:

Interested (and sometimes fearful). Horses with their heads way up in the air and ears forward can be stressed and looking for a friend. But they can also just be listening or interested in something in front of them.


Bored/Tired(only one hind foot taking the weight is common; horses tend to lean on only one foot when they’re sleepy/bored/comfortable). Their heads are lowered, their eyes and ears may be droopy, and they’ll be sighing a lot. What’s most hilarious is when their mouth hangs open as such:

If you’re like me, you then play with that lip and go LIP LIP LIP LIP because you are about six years old.


Aggressive/fearful
Notice that the ears are PINNED back, not just facing backward. A horse moves their ears based on what they are listening to. It’s possible that their ears are just facing backward to listen to something behind them. But if the horse looks tense, their ears are pinned to their neck, and they look prepared to bite, they are angry or afraid.


Listening (when ears move forward and backward)
One key thing to look for in a horse that’s listening to you is that they are a) moving their ears back and forth b) lowering their head and c) smacking their lips. This is horse talk for “I’m paying attention to you.”


Being weird

Sometimes your horse is just weird and does this lip thing. We had one horse who would do it when you gave him wormer. He did not like the taste of wormer. So he did this. It’s hilarious every single time, no matter how long you’ve had horses.


Yawning
As terrifying as horse yawns look, they are not being aggressive. They are just sleepy babies with nasty teeth.


Some things horses WILL do:

  • Come when called (they must be trained to do so with many treats; it does not come as naturally to horses as it does dogs)
  • Tricks, such as bowing or rearing
  • Throw you off and not look back (if they’re a dick)
  • Throw you off and stop after a bit and wait for you (if they’re not a dick)
  • Bite people/buck people off they may not like.
  • Run under low branches to knock a rider off. Horses! They’re dicks!
  • Enjoy running up hills more than they enjoy running down hills (don’t ask me, horses are weird)
  • Change their personalities depending on who is handling them. This is not a drastic change, usually, but horses may become gentler or more stubborn depending on whether or not they sense their handler is confident
  • Go lame (lame=limping) at the most inopportune moments
  • Roll over with a rider still on them (aka bucking for the lazy, passive-aggressive horse)
  • Kick you if you stand behind it. I mean, most horses don’t do this, but it only takes one.
  • Paw at water. Think of horses as giant toddlers who like splashing puddles.
  • Eat things/poop while they walk and run (don’t anyone tell you that humans are the only multi-taskers)
  • Poop on you and fart in your face. A pastime horses enjoy.
  • Pick things up in their mouths and toss them around.
  • Lie down (some horses do lie down to rest, but they only do so when someone else in the herd is standing up. Think of it as guard duty. Horses can sleep standing up, and they most likely will not lie down if they’re in the open country and if they are the only horse)
  • Lie down like this:
NO WHY ARE YOU LYING DOWN LIKE THAT I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD JESUS.

Some things horses WILL NOT do:

  • Fight wolves to protect you (sorry; every man for himself)
  • Jump over their own paddock fence to come when called (I mean, maybe? IDK, teaching a horse to jump out of their pen sounds like an awful idea)
  • Jump random objects in their way when they’ve never jumped anything before, especially ravines (take it from me— horses do not leap over ditches if they’ve never done it before. I found that one out the hard way)
  • Put their lives at explicit risk for you (they’re not dogs. Again.)
  • Snort constantly like they do in movies, unless they’re sick
  • Talk to you via snorting/shaking their head. Horses do not understand English. (They can be trained to do this stuff to signals, like a dog. But they don’t understand what you’re saying.)
  • Charge into battle without regard to what they’re charging into (war horses are a thing, but I see a lot of CGI movies in which horses just fucking RAM into the other side, and I’m pretty sure this doesn’t happen. Horses can be taught to tolerate gunshots and canon fire and all kinds of stuff, but they generally enjoy not being stabbed and running straight into other horses)
  • Become exhausted from a relentless desert marathon, lay down to die, and then get back up when the rider gets in touch with his indigenous ancestors (thanks, Hidalgo!)
  • Start liking you just because you gave it an apple, even though you’re a wild Mustang and don’t like people. (thanks, Flicka!)
  • Pull a plow Day 1 with zero training because you decided it was a good idea to buy a Thoroughbred with the money your papa gave you a for a plow horse (thanks, War Horse!)
  • Run as an Arabian in a race meant for Thoroughbreds with an 8-year-old jockey or whatever (thanks, Black Stallion!)
  • Do magic (to my knowledge!)

Some things that are very rare for a horse to do:

  • Charge at you. A horse who did this would be considered very dangerous. Humans being able to handle a horse is entirely dependent upon the horse’s assumption that you can kick its ass. Once it realizes it can kill you, you have a predator animal on your hands, and dealing with a 2,000 lb predator with hooves and teeth is NOT a horse you want to have around.
  • Rear, just cuz. Horses rear when they are playing or fighting, and when a horse rears with a rider on, it usually means they’re being a dick, not just cuz they feel great and the sunset is behind you and you’re a cowboy. A horse can be taught to rear on command, as they do in movies. But they don’t just do it unless they’re mad at you.
  • Enjoy its head being hugged. Horses love hugs (or at least are neutral to them), but generally resist head hugging. I mean, what if a strange person came up to you and just clutched your head to their chest? Like, BOUNDARIES, okay?
  • Act like a dog in any shape or form.
  • HORSES ARE NOT DOGS. OH MY GOD. THEY ARE NOT.
being married to calum hood would include
  • Waking up to calum’s sexy ass self every mother fricking morning.
  • Him waking you up with kisses, songs, hugs or lazy morning sex.
  • You making breakfast while singing along to some RnB song with cal.
  • Watching tv shows while cuddling on the couch whenever he does NOT go to the studio.
  • Hanging out with the boys and stuff.
  • Being best friends with Mali and his momma.
  • Him giggling like a school girl when people call you Mrs. Hood
  • Pinching his cute chubby cheeks whenever he’s sad or when he’s smiling.
  • Him pinching your butt and earning a light punch in the arm.
  • Him getting a tattoo of your name on his ring finger and you doing the same.
  • helping him write music.
  • Him not being afriad to burp/fart in front of you.
  • “babe, I’ve seen you naked atleast a billion times, farting isn’t bad.”
  • “shut up calum before I fart on your face.”
  • “that’s hot.”
  • Putting up with his shit because you love him dearly.
  • Him always trying to make you smile or laugh.
  • Taking weird, cute and hot pictures on your/his phone.
  • you playing with his little curls whenever he sits between your legs.
  • PLanning to start a family.
  • Him already writing down kids names in his little journal.
  • “calum I’m not even pregnant yet.”
  • “Not yet. Not yet.”
  • “Ugh. your annoying.”
  • “shut up you love me, wifey.”
  • Having sex almost everyday and every where.
  • “Man, I need my sperm to fertilize your eggs now.”
  • “its takes time, cal.”
  • “Okay okay. we’re still having sex in the car right?”
  • “yes”
  • you telling him that you haven’t gotten your period and you might possibly be pregnant.
  • crying when you find out your pregnant and him hugging you, “we are going to be the best parents ever, mrs hood.”
  • “No doubt in that Mr. Hood”
Mark Soulmate AU

Soulmate AU where a single sentence that your soulmate has said that day appears on your arm

  • to make this easier on me you go to school with mark and hyuck
  • i decided to spare mark of an angsty scenario lmao
  • lets start boyos
  • so youre actually good friends with hyuck
  • you think youre best friends but he makes fun of you so much you question your relationship sometimes
  • you feel bad for his soulmate
  • because hyuck says some really, really stupid things
  • “y/n i cant find my phon- oh nvm its in my hand lol”
  • “note to self: the smoke alarm should not be used as a timer when cooking”
  • “if you dont have “me” in your life, everything is just “aweso”
  • but i guess that makes him unique and i guess somewhat easier to find
  • you think your soulmate is very studious
  • “no no the answer is 234 i swear it is”
  • “i will actually give you my brownies if thats helium and not hydrogen”
  • nerd
  • but sometimes he says the sweetest things
  • “ahh im sorry but im not giving up on my soulmate yet”
  • “im sorry but i cant go on a date with you, my soulmate is still out there waiting”
  • and it makes your heart speed up when you see quotes like these on your arm
  • but this also lets you know he must be popular with the ladiesss ;)
  • anyways
  • you thought this day was going to be just like the rest but fate had a different plan
  • “y/n im going to my other friend mark’s after school, wanna come?”
  • “hard pass but thanks for the offer”
  • “pfft youre no fun”
  • “what ever you say fart face”
  • its unusual that hyuck doesnt walk home with you
  • but its w/e
  • lets jump to where hyuck and mark are
  • “mark why dont you date?”
  • “why date when you know you have someone out there for you?”
  • “youre so whipped for them and you havent even met them yet”
  • “yeah i guess i am whipped they say some cute things sometimes”
  • “i guess this is not one of those times”
  • mark looked down at his arm and noticed what hyuck was laughing at
  • ‘what ever you say fart face’
  • cue a blushing mark
  • hyuck is over to the side having the time of his life
  • but then hyuck realizes
  • “i knOW WHO SAID THAT”
  • back 2 u now
  • its late
  • like youre asleep late
  • but then your phone goes off turns out its hyuck calling you
  • “bith i was sleeping and im not going to mark’s its too late now”
  • “no no just tell me the words (mark shut up no get off of me im not giving you the phone) on your arm”
  • “um hold on i havent checked. it says..”
  • ‘ok fine my hair looked like noodles a few months ago but its fine now!’
  • cue another blushing mark and a laughing hyuck
  • “oh..oh my god thats too good…ok thanks y/n bye”
  • “wait hyuck why!”
  • whoops too late he hung up
  • “so mark, did you say that today?”
  • “…i want to say no but yes i did”
  • “mark you know what this means?”
  • “yeah i do dont touch anything while im gone ill know”
  • just when you were about to fall asleep, you hear a banging at your door
  • “jesus who is it??? its like 2 am”
  • lo and behold its mark lee, out of breathe because he was running 2 u
  • “jus…just give me a minute to catch my breathe”
  • “umm ok do you want to come in?”
  • “no..no just give me a minute”
  • thats when you caught a glimpse of his arm and the words you had previously told hyuck that day
  • “oh my god were soulmates”
  • once he (finally) caught his breathe he kissed your forehead and hugged you
  • this hug made you feel safe and at home
  • lowkey he smelled like strawberries
  • “so did you really have noodle hair?”
  • “shhHHhh dont ruin the moment”
  • “but yes i did”
  • ok im done
  • thanks for reading
  • its much appreciated
  • byebye
Late night phone calls
  • Keith: Okay night.
  • Lance: Night babyyy.
  • Keith: Goodnight love.
  • Lance: Goodnight my sweet mulleted angel.
  • Keith: ...
  • Keith: Goodnight string bean.
  • Lance: Sweet dreams stink boy!
  • Keith: Don't let the bed bugs bite fart face!!
  • Lance: Don't let your pillow smother you to death crusty ass desert face!!
  • Keith: Jesus Lance. Oh my god.
  • Lance: Okay okay- hahaha- I'm sorry. Good night sweetheart.
  • Keith: I'm hanging up on you now before we start up again...
  • Keith: Goodnight pumpkin.
  • Lance: Goodnight cabbage-
Even more out-of-context quotes I've heard at school

“Yo, who farted in your face?”

“Okay, I have a question. Who takes chemistry and knows how the fuck to do this shit?”

“PLANTS GIVE YOU OXYGEN, MOTHERFUCKER. PHOTOSYNTHESIS.”

“One day you’ll find someone who’ll appreciate your farts”

“Titties, titties, titties- no that’s a guy”

“I believe in spaghetti”

“Let’s trap it with education”

“Hold up, hold up, hold up, I need science”

“Come on Adian, let’s take a mystical adventure to the computers”

“I’ll show you my true IMac daddy rap skills”

“Who’s the guy that deepthroats bananas down there?”

“aYYY MY MAN POTS AND PANS”

“I want a little bit slower metabolism so I can get tHICC”

“My dick looks like a mozzarella stick”

“Guys, I lit a minion plush on fire last night”

“Dude, I was listening to waluigi noises for three hours straight”

“I’m in touch with my true spirit animal,,,a shitzu”

115 Ways to use and abuse a filthy faggot!
  1. Sit back and make him suck your dick, nice and slow.
  2. Train him to deepthroat your cock.
  3. Fuck his face, balls-deep, like it’s a pussy.
  4. Cock slap him.
  5. Make him lick your sweaty balls.
  6. Straddle his face and teabag him.
  7. Spit on him.
  8. Make him clean your sweaty ass after you work out.
  9. Make him clean your dirty hole when you haven’t showered.
  10. Piss on him.
  11. Piss down his throat.
  12. Piss in his ass.
  13. Make him drink your piss from a glass.
  14. Piss on a pair of underwear, or a jock strap, then wring it out over his face.
  15. Finger his hole.
  16. Fuck his ass.
  17. Spank him.
  18. Paddle him or whip him.
  19. Fuck him with a dildo.
  20. Make him clean a dildo after it’s been in his ass, your ass or another faggot’s ass.
  21. Tie him up and use his holes.
  22. Smack or slap his face.
  23. Call him names.
  24. Tag team him with a buddy.
  25. Gangbang him with a group of friends or strangers.
  26. Whore him out to friends or strangers.
  27. Make him sniff and lick your piss-, shit- and/or cum-stained underwear.
  28. Gag him with your dirty underwear, jockstrap or cum rag when you’re fucking him.
  29. Cum on his face.
  30. Cum on his face and make him wear the load out in public.
  31. Cum on his ass.
  32. Cum directly down his throat.
  33. Cum in your hand, and make him eat it from your hand like a dog.
  34. Organize a bukkake and cover his face with multiple cum loads.
  35. Make him eat your cum off your buddy’s cock.
  36. Cum on the floor or a table and make him lick it up.
  37. Make him drink your load(s) from a shot glass.
  38. Cum on food and make him eat it.
  39. Save your loads on a cum rag, jockstrap or pair of underwear when you jerk off; when the cum rag is rank and full, make him suck the cum crust out of it.
  40. Double-penetrate him with another Top or with a dildo.
  41. Make him suck your cock while you’re taking a shit (i.e., give you a blumpkin).
  42. Use his tongue as toilet paper after you take a dump.
  43. Make him eat your shit.
  44. Make him eat his own shit.
  45. Make him jerk off with shit.
  46. Make him smear his body with shit.
  47. Flick or twist his nipples.
  48. Write names (e.g., faggot, bitch, pig, slut), pictures (e.g., a cock and balls, a pig face, a toilet) or phrases (e.g., insert cock here, with an arrow pointing to its holes) on his body.
  49. Make him lick your dirty toilet, or a public toilet, clean.
  50. Make him wear a butt plug out in public (e.g., to the bar, to the gym, to the grocery store).
  51. Piss on his underwear, or take a dump in his underwear, then make him wear them home.
  52. Fart in his faggot face.
  53. Tie him to your toilet when you have guys over, and tell them to use him instead of the toilet.
  54. Fuck his face until he vomits, then make him clean the puke off your cock.
  55. Don’t let him cum.
  56. Make him ask your permission to jerk off or cum.
  57. Make him eat his own cum.
  58. Make him jerk off or finger himself while you and/or your friends watch.
  59. Make him watch while you fuck another faggot.
  60. Position him beneath you while you’re fucking another faggot and make him lick your cock as it goes in and out of the faggot’s hole.
  61. Make him eat your ass while you’re fucking another faggot.
  62. Make him clean your cock off after you fuck him.
  63. Make him clean your cock off after you fuck another faggot.
  64. Make him eat your load out of another faggot’s ass.
  65. Make him clean out another faggot’s ass after you’ve fucked it.
  66. Take photos and/or videos of him servicing your cock.
  67. Finger your ass, then make him sniff and/or suck your stink finger.
  68. Tie his cock and balls with a shoelace.
  69. Blindfold him when you use him.
  70. Fist his hole.
  71. Fuck him with a condom and make him drink the cum out of it.
  72. Make him drink the cum out of used condoms (e.g., at a party, at the bathhouse, at the park).
  73. Cum in his ass.
  74. Make him fuck another faggot, or get fucked by another faggot, while you watch.
  75. Make him and another faggot fuck themselves on a double-ended dildo while you watch.
  76. Make him lick your feet.
  77. Use him as a footrest.
  78. Make him give you a massage or footrub.
  79. Hock a loogie in his face or down his throat.
  80. Blow your nose on him.
  81. Shoot a snot rocket in his mouth.
  82. Take him to a bar; when his beer’s empty, refill the glass or bottle with your piss and make him drink it in public.
  83. Make him pee at the urinal (e.g., at the movies, at the gym, at the bar) with his pants around his ankles so everyone knows he’s a faggot.
  84. Shave his body.
  85. Shave his head.
  86. Save your piss in a bucket, and make him bathe with it.
  87. Keep him in chastity.
  88. Decide what he wears.
  89. Make him wear a collar and leash.
  90. Keep him in a cage.
  91. Make him do domestic chores for you (e.g., laundry, cleaning, shopping).
  92. Make him sniff poppers, then use him.
  93. If you’re uncut, make him clean and eat the smegma from your cock.
  94. Make him wear a ball gag.
  95. Make him crawl in your presence, like a dog.
  96. Make him eat his meals out of a dog dish.
  97. Torture him with hot wax.
  98. Make him give himself an enema — with water, or perhaps your piss — while you watch.
  99. Give yourself an enema, then release it all over his face or body.
  100. Make him service anonymous cock at a gloryhole.
  101. Engage him in forced workouts.
  102. Fuck him with found objects around your home (e.g., a broom handle, a beer bottle, a carrot, a cucumber, a wooden spoon).
  103. Make him beg for your cock.
  104. Feed him your pre-cum.
  105. Make him lick your sweaty pits.
  106. Make him call you “Master” or “Sir.”
  107. Make him wear a hood while you use him so that the only sensation he has is the feeling of your cock in his hole.
  108. Cum in his ass, then make him fart your cum into his hand and eat it.
  109. Felch your cum out of his ass, then feed it to him.
  110. Make him lick you head to toe.
  111. Make him pick your pubes out of your underwear or off your toilet and eat them.
  112. Make him wear a puppy tail in his ass.
  113. Make him lick your boots.
  114. Make him do a strip tease for you.
  115. Make him service you in a public place (e.g., a restroom, a park, your car).
Brain Fart (Anthony x Reader)

A/N: y’all really didn’t like Instagram lol so here’s this. also I know it’s short, but I wanted to put something out there. This is fluffy at the end idk how I feel about it but hopefully you guys like it! My first Anthony x Reader! I might do a part 2 if you guys wanted it so let me know! Don’t forget to send in requests! I will literally write ANYTHING . Enjoy!

TW: like 2 bad words??? And mention of alcohol

WC: 845

You were just minding your business, wiping down the tables at the coffee shop you work at when you heard the bell signifying that someone had walked in ring.

“Welcome! I’ll be right with you,” you said cheerfully, without looking up. You quickly finished up cleaning up and walked over to the register.

“Hi, sorry about that. What can I-”  you stopped. You couldn’t believe what your eyes were seeing. Anthony Ramos was standing right in front of you. Anthony fucking Ramos in the flesh. Right in front of you.

“Um, hello?” he said, trying to hide his smile.

“Right, um, so sorry. What can I get for you?” you said trying not to blush, but definitely failing.

“No problem,” he laughed. He finished ordering and paid, but he didn’t move from where he was standing.

“So what’s a beautiful girl like you like to do for fun?” he asked, leaning over the counter.

“I’m sorry; there’s no way this is happening. Anthony Ramos is actually flirting with me right now?” you said, the last line coming out like a question.

“So you know who I am?” he chuckled.

“Yes, I do, which is why I had a brain fart when I saw your face,” you said, wincing at the fact that you said “brain fart” in front of Anthony Ramos and physically facepalming.

“Well, I’m glad that you did because it saved me from the embarrassment of being even more speechless when I saw how gorgeous you are,” he said softly, and you could’ve sworn you saw a twinkle in his eye.

“So how come I’ve never seen you in here before?” you asked, choosing to move on, since you were sure your cheeks were as red as a cherry tomato.

“A friend of mine recently said I should try this place out. He’s really into supporting small businesses,” he explained. “Now that I’ve seen it, I’ll definitely be coming back,” he winked.

The two of you delved into conversation, lasting about an hour, only being interrupted when a customer would come in which only happened a few times. You had a lot in common, which you were not expecting at all. You were pleasantly surprised to know that he was actually pretty dorky in high school.

“No, you weren’t. Stop lying. There is no way that you were dorky in high school,” you said, narrowing your eyes at him.

“Dude, I swear I was. I started playing baseball so that people would like me more…” he said sheepishly looking at the ground now and rubbing the back of the neck with his hand.

“High school me would’ve had the biggest crush on high school you if that makes you feel any better,” you said, putting your hand on top of his. He looked up at you then at your hands. You pulled your hand away, and you swear you saw him frown. He looked down at his watch, his eyes widened.

“Oh shit! I really have to go…” he looked at you, then appeared to have a change of heart. “Well, actually, you asked me a bunch of questions, but you missed the big question.”

“Oh really?” you laughed, “Well, what’s the big question, then?” you asked, using the same tone to tease him.

“Will you get a drink with me?”

“What?” you asked, completely taken by surprise.

“You. Me. Drink. Now?” he asked, with a wide grin.

“Don’t you have a show to do, Anthony Ramos from Hamilton?”

“I can call off.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because life is short, and you are hot. Drink?”

You couldn’t lie; the persistence was adorable.

“No,” you said playfully, getting up from the table where you were sitting.

“Ever?” he asked, getting up as well.

“Maybe,” you smirked.

“Phone number?”

“Moving a little fast, don’t you think?” you said, before making your way over to the counter again and getting a notepad and a pen.

“Is that your phone number?” he asked, leaning over the counter again.

“Just my phone number. Not a promise, not a guarantee, just my phone number.”

“And that’s (Y/N)…”

“(Y/N) Ramos…” you said before realizing what you’d just said. Your eyes widened, and you quickly corrected your mistake. “(L/N)! (Y/N) (L/N)!”

His eyes widened just as much and his jaw dropped before he began to smile.

“Go away. Don’t look at me,” you said walking away from the counter and heading towards the blenders.

“I’ll call you!” he yelled out, walking backwards towards the door.

“Don’t look at me,” you said, blushing furiously and still walking with your head down.

“I’ll call you tomorrow!”

“Don’t look at me.” you said, attempting to organize items on the counter that were already organized.

“I might even call you tonight!” he called, now at the door.

“Don’t look at me!” you said, now crouching down to hide behind the counter.

“I’m definitely going to call you, gorgeous girl!” he said, as he was walking out.

“You definitely better,” you mumbled, as you smiled like an idiot thinking about what had just happened.

helloskitty  asked:

We've seen headcanons about pooping, but what about how the RFA boys react when MC farts in front of them for the first time?

GOD SEVEN PLEASE LEND ME YOUR STRENGTH TO ANSWER THESE REQUESTS THEY’RE ASKING OF ME.

LOOK INTO THIS BOYS BEAUTIFUL GOLDEN EYES AND ASK YOURSELVES FROM NOW ON

“IS THIS SOMETHING JALAPENO HAS THE STRENGTH TO WRITE?”


◉ Yoosung

  • You were sitting in bed together
  • When you couldn’t hold it anymore
  • You farted
  • omg how embarrassing
  • Yoosung swayed side-to-side for a minute
    • “Hmm? This bed is getting creaky. I think we’ve “rocked it” a little too hard, MC. Maybe we need to get a new frame?”
  • O thank god
  • He was too cute and clueless to even consider you farting as a possibility
    • “Whew, I stink. Why didn’t you say anything, MC?” he got up. “Wanna join me in the shower, make sure I get nice and clean?”
          • Bonus: He knew the whole time. He’s just too freaking sweet to ever let you be embarrassed about something like that so he played dumb.

◉ Jumin

  • You were just finishing dinner and getting up from the table
  • Something inside you shuffled wrong and as you stood from your chair
  • and
  • It happened
  • He did the slanty-head closed-eye thing
    • “MC, is your stomach bothering you? Are you gassy? I’m going to speak with the chef and nutritionist about this right away. I’m very upset that the meal plan they’ve set for you is causing you discomfort. Please excuse me, my love.”
  • Now the staff was about to get bitched out because you farted

◉ Zen

  • You guys were sitting on the couch just hanging out and drinking
  • You were pretty drunk
  • And it just happened without warning
  • Zen spit out a mouthful of beer
    •  “Did you really just…”
  • He bursts out laughing
  • You both are just batting at each other and you’re screaming for him to stop and he’s just giggling
    • Zen I swear to God, if you ever tell anyone about this I’m going to cut off your ponytail while you sleep!”

◉ Jaehee

  • You guys were hanging out over coffee
  • Everything was going fine
  • Until
  • You sneezed and it forced a loud fart out of you
  • She just…
  • Stared at you
  • And you stared at her
  • And you were locking eyes and not saying anything
  • She cleared her throat.
    • “Excuse me, MC. I suddenly remembered some work I have to get done.”
  • And she left

◉ Saeyoung

  • You guys were tickling each other in bed
  • And you were begging for him to stop but he just wouldn’t let up
  • And without warning it came bursting out of you
  • He jumped a little
    • “Woah! Was that an earthquake just now? Did one of my baby cars slip into the sheets? No…that was even louder than my baby cars!”
  • You punched him in the ribs and he rolled off the bed
    • “Ow! Fine then,” he rolled around on the floor, “I’ll just roll to the window and open it.”
    • “I really hate you.”

◉ V

  • You guys were snuggling on the couch together
  • But your tummy was really upset
  • One wrong shuffle in your seat
  • And it happened
  • You wanted to die omg
  • V’s face got a little red
  • Your face was red
  • It was quiet for a moment but he chuckled
    • “It’s okay, MC. It happens to the best of us.”
  • He kissed the top of your head and pulled you in closer

◉ Saeran

  • You were straddling him on the bed, giving him a back rub
    • “Harder, MC.”
  • O god
  • You pushed a little too hard
  • And farted on his back
  • You rolled off of him and covered your face in your hands for a moment
  • He didn’t say anything
  • He didn’t even make eye contact with you
  • He just got up from the bed and left the room
  • Then left the apartment
  • He needed to go for a walk after that
Fart coffin

Hey guys, thanks for all the love on My Jock Friends Bitch story I wrote a while back. Thought I’d do some short stories for now. Let me know what you think, feel free to message me requests.

It was four o'clock, sunny afternoon in the Australian summer down south. I could feel the sweat sticking my shirt to my back as I walked to my friends place.

My friend Jack has a pool, so I’m always over there when it’s hot. He’s straight as nails but we get along really well. He’s into sport, I’m into more nerdy stuff like gaming and study but we find mutual ground.

Whilst walking the last few blocks I think about the sight of Jack in his thin board shorts, whenever he gets out of the pool it’s like a Davidoff commercial in slow motion and his shorts cling to his ass and legs leaving nothing to the imagination.

He’s shorter than me given my height but damn his body is ripped and his ass and legs are hairy and thick!

‘About time you showed up, pools ready mate’ Jack yelled to me over the fence.
I ran right in and we both stripped off to our boardshorts and leapt in.

You see after we’d swim he always wants to sunbake then watch footy on TV.
I get super horny watching him wet and on display so I say I want a nap and can I use his bed.

He’s pretty Simple and never clues on that I just go upstairs to his room and masterbate using his soiled underwear.

This guy has the most amazing musk, imagine a footy players jocks, after a day of sweating and farting, now rubbed on your face, that kind of sexy!

So I went upstairs as usual and lay down with a pair of black underwear from his laundry basket. This guy always leaves his jocks laying around.

This time it was easy because he’d left his black pair on top of the basket after his shower, the ass area was covered in skid marks and smelt absolutely amazing.

As I positioned myself on his bed I raised the jocks to my face ready to jack off to his manly scent.

Jack’s bed was one of those throw together crate style beds made from specially designed wooden crates and timber bars to make it look real industrial. Then he had two rectangular cut mattresses side by side to make it soft and the linen on top.

I lay in the centre of the two mattresses and began inhaling his scent. The skid marks were real bad this time and real chalky and flakey it was strange but damn I was turned on. As I lay there jacking off I felt sooo relaxed, so horny and so sleepy from the sun and swimming.

1hr later

As I open my eyes I realise I was really tired because I did end up taking a nap. I go to sit up and realise my hands are by my side and my head is firmly locked in place. The next reaction I have is to move my legs but they can’t bend. My arms and legs are stuck in some kind of wooden box and my head well, my head is free but all I can see is Jack’s ceiling.

Suddenly I hear the door slam and Jack’s radio start to blare his favourite rock station. I yell out, ‘Jack???? Jack help?! I’m stuck!!!!’

‘Hey faggot, I know exactly where you are’ Jack says loudly as his head leans over above mine and I see him smirking.

'What have you done?!?!?!?’ I yell terrified now starting to worry.

'Enough out of you cushion, I’ve finished sun baking and it appears you easily took the bait. You see I left you something special with my skid marks this time, something to help you “rest”’ he said sarcastically.

I started to panic, he knew about my fetish? Oh shit what’s he gonna say?

'Please Jack don’t hurt me I’m so sorry it was just a stupid thing I didn’t mean to-’

’-shut the fuck up and stop your whining, I’ve known about your fetish for a while and it’s time for payback’

I still didn’t understand what was happening but suddenly he lifted one of his mattress halves above his head and started lowering it onto my head! I started to scream, is he trying to suffocate me?!?!?

All I can see is darkness and I’m trapped with little air under his mattress.
I hear a strange noise above me until suddenly light comes streaming in. He’s cut a hole above my head thank God.

'Jack please just let me go I’ll make it up to you I swear, if you don’t I’ll fucking kick your ass this is messed up!!!’

'Oh you’ll kiss my ass alright, and much more fag’ Jack said as he stood above me. All I could see was up his shorts, he wasn’t wearing any underwear.

Jack suddenly started bending down and lowered his ass towards my face until my nose and face were engulfed in his beefy ass. 'Mmmmmmph mmmmmm MMMPH!’ I muffled under his jock ass but nothing legible was heard.

I heard Jack begin to laugh then he raised up and let me breathe.

After a couple seconds he pulled his shorts down slightly and began to lower down again. My screaming was quickly silenced by his ass, though already drowned out by his music!

Over an hour passed of this ass prison torture before I heard a loud knock on the door.

'Jack it’s mum, can I come in??’ She yelled.

I felt so relieved to know his plan was foiled. But then he replied, 'yes! One minute!’

Jack quickly stood up smirking and lay down flat, his ass on top of me this time laying down! He pulled the blanket up over his body only showing his face and completely hid me from sight.

Before he replied to his mum he said to me 'you’re my little slave now bitch, you’re in a fart coffin I slid into one of the crates that make up my bed. I hope you enjoy Dutch ovens!

As he said those words I began to scream muffled by his ass when he released a disgustingly wet and long fart right into my mouth!! I could barely breathe! I tried screaming again so he farted even louder. The stench was suffocating I could barely breathe then he yelled “come in mum just resting’

His mum came in and sat with him on the bed having a chat.

'Jack I hope you’re feeling ok, seems a bit stuffy in here let’s open some windows. Dinner is in the fridge if you get hungry, dad and I will be available on our mobiles the whole week away. stay safe darling, maybe you can invite that gay friend of yours over, you know he looks up to you!’ She said whilst kissing him, unknowingly leaning over the very kid she was discussing.

“Of course mum, he does look up to me” Jack said with a smile whilst farting again into my trapped face.

“I’ll always keep him close”

BLOCK B as shit my groupchat says

Taeil: “7 yr old me thought this was scandalous”

B-bomb: “warm fruit is sad”

Jaehyo: “he’ll be bald by 28 but id still let him destroy this punani”

U-kwon: “i was fucking twatted mate”

Kyung: “he’d probably fart in your face and then make you pay for pink eye meds”

Zico: “sometimes i do these MASSIVE farts like they’re so fucking sick and i wish i could record them”

Pyo: “i have never in my life gotten poo on my fingers”

6

Tina: I will never apologize to her.
Seraphina: Nor I her.
Tina: “Nor I her!” I doth proclaim to be a stupid fart face.
Seraphina: Nice retort. Did Beedle the Bard write that for you?
Tina: Did Beedle the Bard write your stupid fart face!?

(Parks and Recreation; Season 3, Episode 12: Eagleton.) 

A mashup for every episode (42/125)

anonymous asked:

How would you handle someone cursing you? I think one of my ex's cursed me. Using sheer will more than ritual. People will snicker but, you know, the power intention. Being a petty bitch I've written by own original, scorching and air tight curse, just unhinged my jaw over her tin foil crown and let a leviathan-isque amount of fun times pour down on her and yet... I don't want to stoop down to her level. Listen I'm trying to be "good." I'm not sure what to do.

The best curse I ever laid was never a curse at all. Just a damn good act. I picked up a pencil, stared at my “victim”, snapped the pencil and laid the pieces down in a cross. Everything that happened to her that day were all the consequences of her own actions. I didn’t do shit. She worked herself up into a frenzy, got careless, and snatched her own ass for me. (Playing up to a reputation? Me?)

You think you have been cursed. What have you done to confirm or deny that suspicion? If the wind blows your fart back in your face, is it because you were “cursed” or because your meal was garlic heavy?

I’m not snickering. I’m warning. Running a race fueled by supposition and assumptions is a good way to hurt yourself. So before you start throwing specific countermeasures, go with the general:

  • Take a bath/shower.
  • Make your normal offerings (if you do), then add a little extra for covering.
  • Wash/clean/cleanse your personal things.
  • Get some outdoor time and make peace there.
  • Get some indoor/quiet time and make peace with yourself.
  • Count your debts. Do you owe anyone/thing a favor/apology/promise? Fulfill it to the best of your ability.

Now get your favorite divination tools/friends and start asking the hard questions:

  • Are you cursed/hexed/crossed/opposed? (Yes/No/Maybe)
  • Are the present circumstances against you? (Yes/No/Maybe) Ask this regardless of the outcome of the previous question.
  • If you are cursed/hexed/crossed/opposed, did you bring this on yourself? (Yes/No/Maybe) Who knows, maybe you stepped on a grave and didn’t know it. Dead be fickle shits sometimes.
  • If the present circumstances are against you, is there anything you can do about it other than just ride it out? (Yes/No/Maybe) See also: Retrogrades. (Which really don’t hit me but I’ve watched other people just lose their shit, their partner’s shit, and their dog’s shit.)
  • If you are cursed/hexed/crossed/opposed, what specifically should you do to reflect/reverse/refuse/redeem it? (Open ended question. Pay attention to the details in the answers.)
  • If you can do something about the present circumstances, what can you do about it? (You may not like the answers here, and may choose to just ride it out. Sometimes the cure is worse than the illness.)
  • Do your suspect ex have anything to do with the above? (Yes/No/Maybe) There is a reason I saved this question for this point. If someone wants to get you via magic/woo/prayer and if they have any sense in their head, they are going to cover their tracks as best as they can. You already have some shit going with the ex, so of course it would make perfect sense that your ex would be up to some shit with you. But the Living are just as fickle as the Dead, and not all Friends are friendly.
  • What do you need to know right now about this situation? Pay very fucking close attention to this answer. It will always be surprising, and you may have your assumptions chucked out the window.
  • What do you need to do right now? Whatever your answer is, do it.

If, after all that, you still wanna drop that keg of kick-ass on your ex, then that is your decision to make and your consequences to bear. But at least make sure you are dropping it on the right person for the right reasons as what makes sense to you.

I am not a lawyer, cosmic or otherwise, so I can’t and won’t make any judgement calls about your plans, your intent, or your justifications. I will tell you to make sure you are in the right before you pull that lever.

Right. Begin.