An old farmer was walking down the path to the pond when he spotted a bullfrog. He reached down and grabbed the frog and started to put him in his pocket when the bullfrog said, “Kiss me on the lips and I will turn into a beautiful farmers wife.” Again the old farmer started to put the frog in his pocket. The frog asked, “Didn’t you hear what I said?” The farmer looked at the frog and said,“ At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
He stepped out of his truck,
approaching what appeared to be a woman sitting in the car. As he grew closer
he saw her eyes slightly widen at the sight of him. “You okay?” he asked when
she hastily rolled down her window.
“Yeah…I mean no. Not really. I
think I’m a little lost.” She stepped out of the car, pulling her jacket
tighter against her body, and balled her hands into fists in reaction to the
cold air. She wore flowy colorful clothing and wasn’t particularly dressed for
standing on the side of a road in rural Virginia during a winter storm. “I’m
trying to get back to Alexandria. I think I took a wrong turn or something. I
stopped to try to figure out where I am, but then my car wouldn’t start and now
I’m stuck here.”
“You sure did take a wrong
turn. Did you contact roadside assistance?”
She hesitated before finally
answering. “My phone died. I didn’t have any service when I tried to make a
call anyway.” She looked conflicted as she pressed her full lips together in a
slight grimace. “Do you have a phone on you? I need to call for some help.
Also, can you possibly tell me where exactly I am.”
“I don’t have a phone on me,”
he said apologetically. “I left it back at the farm since I rarely have any
service around here anyway.”
YEAH THAT’S RIGHT. SHE’S MY WIFE. LOOK AT HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE IS. ALL YE WHO GAZE UPON MY BELOVED - QUIVER IN FEAR FOR SHE IS CUT THROAT AND UNFORGIVING. OH HOW I BASK IN THE RAYS OF MY LESBIAN, FARMER CLOWN WIFE. AND HOW EAGER I AM TO SPEND THE REST OF MY DAYS WITH HER GENTLE, PLUSH FORM. TRULY I HAVE BEEN BLESSED, TRULY SOME UNKNOWN GOD IS SMILING DOWN UPON ME. Everyone is invited to the wedding
ENTRANT FOR @goatkibble‘s “THE FARMER’S WIFE BACHELOR CHALLENGE”
Ciao! My name is
Isabella Theresa Angelica Bianchi
but everyone calls be Bella! And I just turned 29.
With a name like mine you probably think I am Italian and I am, but I’ve only ever visited Italy on holiday. I’m a proud Scottish- Italian, born and bred in Glasgow, a descendant of Italian migrants who settled in Glasgow in the 1900s. Many Italian immigrants to Scotland established cafes, restaurants, delicatessens or, like my family, went into the Ice-Cream and Gelato business. My father and mother established “Bianchi’s Gelato and Ice-Cream Parlour” before I was born and by the time I was 8 or 9 I was helping out.
Unusually for my family I am an only child, as my parents struggled to conceive and were in their late 30s when I can along. Most of my cousins were a lot older than me, so more often than not my playmates were the famiy cats who I treated like babies. I like most animals but I’ve loved cats all my life.
At 18 I fell deeply in love with a local boy I’d known most of my life but he wasn’t Italian and more importantly, he wasn’t Catholic. My family strongly disapproved and worked actively to sabotage our relationship. In the end he gave up and moved on. It broke my heart. Ever since my family has been trying to marry me off and to be quite honest, I’m fucking sick to death of it. So I jumped at the chance to emigrate to Perth, Australia on a work visa to take on a consultant role at my third cousin’s Ice-Cream and Gelato production business. My role is basically to finesse the traditional flavours and develop new ones to try to boost sales, which have been flagging the last couple of years. Disappointingly, however, 6 months in I’ve found working in the factory is as boring as working in my parents’ shop and Perth is fucking dull as fuck. So, when I saw the Farmer’s Wife Bachelor Challenge it caught my attention immediately! And when I was radomly chosen to be an entrant I was stunned!
I didn’t just apply for this challenge out of boredom though… it’s been 11 years since my heart was broken and frankly, I’m lonely and ready to try again to find someone special and this really appeals to my sense of adventure. I’m also a huge fan of BC’s and have avidly watched a few of them over the last couple of years. And my biological clock has started tick-tocking…VERY LOUDLY!
I’ve picked up a few skills of late… I’ve been experimenting with growing my own fruit and vegetables and using them in baking and jams and conserves, and I’m getting quite good at both gardening and cooking. I’m also a bit of a tinkerer having worked around ice-cream making equipment and other machinery since I was a kid.
My greatest strength is probably my sense of humour and my greatest weakness is a tendancy to be overly dramatic, which I have been told is very unattractive by some people. My sense of humour and friendliness usually helps balance out this less attractive side of my personality though.
I’m not really sure what to expect of this challenge or what will be like on an Australian farm. I used to visit my Auntie and Uncle outside Cortona in Northern Italy near Florence when I was younger and they had a small vinyard. I loved it there, being outside in the fresh air instead of a stuff flat or shop; and I didn’t mind the hard work at all. I’ve always been “robust” physically and the combination of physical labour while under a hot sun didn’t bother me, although my favourite part was the evenings when we gathered outside for a family meal, wine, laughter and conversation.
I hope that I will be able to impress the bachelor with my hard-working attitude, vast collection of filthy jokes and that I will be able to turn my hand to many tasks on the farm so that he will see what excellent wife material I am. Plus I have wide “child bearing” hips and big boobies… so…. yeah… he probably won’t be able to resist me! *snork snork*
NAME: Lucy Cheung AGE: 29 (just about to turn 30) SEXUALITY: Straight ETHNICITY: Chinese Australian SKILLS:
Athletic (3), Handiness (3), Cooking (4)
GREATEST STRENGTH: The knowledge and experience that she has in her field, as well as her deep connection with animals, makes her keenly aware of what they need and what treatments will work best for them so that they heal quickly and stay healthy. She’s not only book-smart, but she also has a long track record of medical successes and breakthroughs.
GREATEST WEAKNESS: She’s a bit of a know-it-all and has a tendency to take offense and/or belittle people who try to teach or correct her. She’s also pretty naive when it comes to relationships - she’s never been in love before and has been so focused on her career that she hasn’t made much time for dating. She’s also a little obsessive about cleanliness.
REASON FOR JOINING: Finding someone who cares about animals as much as she does is of the utmost importance, and she’s excited to see if this bachelor fits the bill! Also, her parents are worried that she will never marry, so she’s trying to step out of her comfort zone and do something fun that may lead to meeting her soulmate.
WHAT IS YOUR PERCEPTION OF FARM LIFE?: “To me, farm life is waking up to the sound of a rooster crowing, starting the day with a fresh, organic breakfast, and spending the rest of the day doing what I do best - taking care of animals. It’ll be great, as long as there’s enough hired help for all of the other work, of course.”
HOW WILL YOU CONTRIBUTE TO FARM LIFE?:
“I look forward to implementing my expertise as a veterinarian, which will include providing the animals with the best organic foods, administering any necessary supplements and medicine, assisting with births, and just generally making sure they are all healthy and thriving.”
ADDITIONAL INFO (eg family background, etc):
Lucy is the 2nd generation of her family to be born and raised in Australia. Her family is originally from Hong Kong and she frequently travels there for recreation and to visit relatives. She has two older brothers (whom she proudly admits to being smarter than), and one older sister with whom she’s pretty much inseparable.
Her parents worked very hard to provide their children with as many opportunities as possible, especially Lucy. She was a gifted child (or just spoiled, in her brothers’ opinions). Her parents always said they recognized her “exceptional intellectual abilities” early on and thus encouraged her by sending her to the best schools and allowing her to try any hobby she desired.
Since Lucy knew by the age of 5 that she wanted to become a veterinarian someday, her favorite hobbies were anything animal-related. When she wasn’t in school or volunteering at an animal shelter, she was constantly finding and bringing home little furry and scaly creatures, pleading, “Can I keep it??“ Her parents weren’t particularly thrilled by this, but they allowed it as long as she vowed to wear gloves and keep them outside.
However, Lucy’s mother demanded that she set all of the animals free after finding a frog in her bubble bath one night. She promised to buy Lucy a dog instead. So, they got a Chow Chow, or Songshi Quan (”puffy-lion dog”), which is Lucy’s favorite breed.
As Lucy got older she spent a lot of her time interning at animal hospitals and rehabilitation centers, and eventually went to university in Sydney to become a veterinarian. She got her dream job and her parents couldn’t be more proud. Their only concern now is for her to find a husband.
But Lucy has been busy with her career. She spends half of her time working in an animal hospital, and the other half is spent making home and farm visits.
There are times when she feels like she gets along better with her animal patients than with people, but she has a deep love and affection for her family and does want to have one of her own someday.
So, she joined this challenge, mostly hoping to find the right guy for her, but also in part to appease her parents’ wishes: “Try to meet a nice man and go on a date or two before you turn 30, honey.”