fappingwithguts

6

Hey you, 

I probably shouldn’t be writing you at this particular second in the evening because I am hormonal and sassy and miserable and all of the worst parts of myself combined right now. But the girlfriend fighting is at least giving me some time and space to sort out my thoughts alone and with a reasonably heavy weight on my chest. The usual. 

Hi. It looks like you’re having a great time. I can’t blame you nor did I expect you to preserve chocolate for any length of time on account of me. I am so jealous that Tiny will be meeting you soon and I will not. Alas, our tether gets a little longer, as time and money keep us apart for a few more heartbeats. 

Side note: we got caught paddling in a hard rain once with our neighbours while returning our rented canoes in the national park. Our motto became ‘life over late-fees’. I loved it.

Why did you talk about me? I hope it was good things. When I bring you up in conversation, it is usually complicated and difficult to explain that my best friend lives in Utah and I met her on the internet, but with much assurance that you are the head to my heart. That fact leaves me feeling needy for you very, very often, as it has been difficult to find a head on the coast. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to replace you, but it would be nice to have a cozy little jackknife here and there.

So I guess I’ll catch you up a little. You probably knew my truck broke. It was the worst and it’s not fine. Last week I rode my bike 50 miles, and 70 miles the week before that, commuting to and from work. I spent the weekend using public transit* to look at used cars. I think I found one but committing is terrifying, especially after getting screwed so hard on the truck. My budget is tight and I am trying so hard to be responsible and frugal and adult-like, and it is unbelievably stressful. I get into arguments I didn’t even know were things, and they escalate so quickly into emotional blow-ups, and money is almost always the root cause. 

Before that, Neek came to visit. She actually drove here to see off her sailor boyfriend, but I got to spend a lot of time with her and she always makes me feel like a more complete human, and I like that. I am always sad to see her go, but secretly she will be back in less than a month and I am already anticipating it. 

I told you briefly when we talked, but yesterday was supposed to be my marathon that turned into a half-marathon that turned into me on a bus looking for a car. I almost feel like I never had a chance of running it. Maybe I set myself up to fail this one; I’m honestly not sure. I am feeling pretty shitty about myself because of it, truthfully, but I’m trying not to allow myself to feel too badly about it for too long when I’m already dealing with all the other shitty feelings my scumbag brain lets seep in. 

Alright, I should probably go to bed. I have to patch up a relationship first and then I’ll set my alarm for 4:40am and put Kill Bill back on for background noise. I didn’t put pants on or go outside today.

I love you very much. Thanks for listening.

Good morning, 

x