Area Man Reports to Training Camp for Upcoming Fantasy Football Season
PHILADELPHIA - Area man Brett Kepler, 29, reported to his living-room-based training camp Sunday afternoon to begin practicing for the upcoming fantasy football season. The runner-up in last year’s ‘Fuck the Patriots’ league sat down on a beer stained couch and proceeded to complete several mock drafts on his laptop while watching SportsCenter on ESPN. “The game is just as physical as it is mental,” Kepler told reporters, icing his sore right hand from constant mouse-clicking drills and eating nachos with his left hand, trying to decide if he should update his team’s name from ‘EaglesFan69’ to something more befitting of the league’s trash-talking policies, such as ‘Eric’s Team Sucks’ or ‘Eric Is Super Gay’. “Reading all of the expert rankings, reviewing stats, texting Eric to say that he’s a fucking dick for drafting Andrew Luck last year when he knew that’s who I was going to draft and he just drafted him out of spite- it’s hard work being a professional fantasy football player.” At press time, Kepler threw his phone on the ground after receiving a text picture of league champion Eric Schmidt’s balls.