I was thinking this weekend about how awkward it was that Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them insists that Americans call muggles “no-maj.” First off, it just doesn’t sound like an abbreviation we’d use, and it sounds even worse in plural. But I finally realized the more important point: it’s too direct. Especially for the time period, Americans would never have been that straightforward in talking about a topic that sensitive. And so I would like to submit, in the spirit of early twentieth-century slang, a list of possible euphemisms we may have used for muggles:

  • He washes his dishes with a cloth.
  • He pays in nickels and dimes.
  • He rides the trolley to work. 
  • He takes his boots to the cobbler.
  • He’s grateful for Mr. Edison.
  • He’s one of Grisham’s boys. (here imagining that Grisham was a prominent wizard who famously fathered no magic children)
  • He dances on the ground.
  • He writes with a pen.
  • He’s fond of a two-piece suit.
  • He’s more King Arthur than Merlin.
  • He’s got to wind his pocket watch.
  • He gets his wax from bees.
  • His wife darns his socks.
  • He treats his ailments with tonics.
  • His portraits stay put.
  • His broom is only for sweeping.

I’m having a little too much fun with this, so if you have any to add, please send them over.

  • My friend: soooo what are you looking for in a guy?
  • Me: kind. sweet. approximately 6'2". ginger. messy hair. wears bow ties and a blue coat. no one can ever figure out THE FUCK his eye color is. has to have solid cheek bones just saying. also jawline. freckles are a thing. wizard. Hufflepuff™. author. magizoologist. is actually Newt Scamander.

*Johnny Depp appears on the promotional poster for Fantastic Beasts*

Me:

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Newt: I’m gonna tell you all of my secrets.
Percival: Oh, no, that’s not necessary.
Newt: I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks.
I didn’t actually sell my last car. I just forgot where I parked it.
I don’t know who Grindelwald is. And at this point I’m too afraid to ask.
When they say 2% milk, I don’t know what the other 98% is.
When I was a baby, my head was so big scientists did experiments on me.
I once threw beer at a niffler, and then it attacked my niece Rebecca.
Percival: That’ll do, Newton.

(Parks and Recreation; season 6, episode 16: New Slogan) 

EDDIE REDMAYNE IS PROBLEMATIC

guys i’m so disappointed… eddie redmayne is actually really problematic… i really want to cry rn because i really loved him so much.. there’s a detailed post with the tweets and stuff here ….. why do amazing celebs have to go and be messy like that :(

-k

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Kawaii Ilvermorny House Crests!! Because can we talk about the fact that 3 are basically fancy animals and the other is actually a tiny grey man?! 🙃 (That can turn into a porcupine 😂)

Tina: Mr. Scamander it is against the law to possess creatures here in America

Newt: (singing colors of the wind) But I know every rock and tree and creature…

Tina: Sir this is not the time for-

Newt: Has a life, has a spirit, has a name *dramatically singing to his case*

Tina: SIR NOW IS NOT THE TIME