I am back from Thailand which means my shop is back up and running! You can also get 20% off every order (no minimum spend) by entering the code JULY20 at checkout, and I’ll be adding some new prints tomorrow as well. Buy some shit 💷 HOW BOUT IT HUH?
SO WHAT ABOUT A GRAMANDER FAKE RELATIONSHIP AU? Because Newt cannot lie to save his ass, Im convinced of it
1. fake relationship
I can see it now. Newt, International Criminal Extraordinaire. Gets by to be honest on his quick thinking, on his ability to sneak about places, his skill with languages, and frankly with the help of the hoard of magical creatures he has at his disposal. On his own, he’s actually quite good at getting himself out of trouble – so long as it’s not him that’s in trouble. Magical creature? No problem. Is it a friend? No hesitation! Family? They don’t even have to ask.
But when he’s the one that’s been cornered, he has quite the problem talking himself out of the situation.
Graves observes Newt struggling with this for a few minutes with quiet amusement.
Newt’s just trying to get into the establishment to talk to the manager. Apparently he has some [insert magical creature here] caged up in the back, and Newt is determined to free them. If he can’t get in through the front, then Newt knows perfectly well that he could break in later that night and quietly sneak all the creatures into his suitcase before morning. But that wouldn’t be polite, that wouldn’t teach the manager a lesson. If Newt stole them all, the manager would just go out and get more, and what good would that do?
So Newt is trying to get in, and Graves is already there for whatever reason, and the bouncers at the door are like, NO SIR. PLEASE, YOU AREN’T ON THE GUEST LIST. YOU CAN’T COME IN.
“I– I understand that, but if you would please just let me talk to the manager, I can get this situation cleared right up, and–”
Graves rises to rescue the poor man.
“Darling,” he says with his voice dripping in sugar, sliding between the bouncers like they aren’t even a part of his world view. “You’re late. I was beginning to think you were going to leave me hanging!”
“What, I–” Newt stammers.
Mercy, the man is helpless, and that’s all before Graves kisses him, deeply, arms thrown over Newt’s shoulders, Graves pressing against Newt’s chest like a sex kitten, sighing gently when he falls back on his heels.
Graves tugs Newt along as he moves back into the establishment. He winks at the bouncers. “He’s with me, boy. Sorry about the mix up!”
He hustles Newt into a booth and hisses at him, “Play along,” before throwing his legs over Newt’s lap and cuddling up to his side.
Newt muffles a horrified moan against Graves’ shoulder. “I can’t,” he says. “I’m a horrible liar. Everyone says so.”
“Well,” Graves reasons and he turns to bite along the shell of Newt’s ear, “then for the sake of all parties, pretend it’s not a lie.”
Valos atredum, salroka! This marks the third year #dwarf appreciation week is running! The Dragon Age fandom has quieted down a wee bit, but that doesn’t mean our love for dwarves has dampened any!
This year’s Dwarf Appreciation Week will run from July 23th to July 29th. If you’d like to take part, please tag your posts with #dwarf appreciation week! We’re looking for a chance to reblog all the awesome dwarf-centered art, fics, graphics, meta, headcanons, fanmixes, cosplays that people come up with. If it’s dwarf-related, tag it!
Need an idea for what to do? Take a look at our pre-determined days of appreciation!
July 23th: Cadash Appreciation–A day to focus on our lovely Inquisitor Cadash. Tell us all about your inquisitor, through art, fic, personal headcanons, graphics. It’s up to you! What choices did they make throughout the events of Inquisition? Who did they romance? How did they come to be, even before the Breach? July 24th: Warden Appreciation–Focusing on our dwarven Wardens, Brosca, Aeducan, and Kader. What sort of Warden did they become, who did they romance, what choices did they make during and after the Blight? July 25th: Dwarven Gals–A day to love and appreciate the fine lady dwarves we’ve met throughout Dragon Age. Tell us your love for Dagna, Bianca, Sigrun, Lace Harding, or any of the other lady dwarves that come to mind. July 26th: Dwarven Dudes–Can’t forget our fantastic dwarven dudes! Got love to proclaim for Sandal, Bodahn, Varric, Oghren, or any other dwarf dude in Dragon Age? Today’s the day to do just that. July 27th: Shale Appreciation–As a golem, Shale canonly has no gender, but that doesn’t mean you can’t love them any less. Show some slightly squishy love for Shale today. July 28th-July 29th: Dwarves of Thedas–A more generalized focus on dwarves of Thedas. Perfect for any meta, graphics, fanart, or fanmixes for dwarves that don’t apply to one character or another.
As stated, we’ll be reblogging anything that’s tagged under #dwarf appreciation week. But please be courteous to others and tag your n*s*f*w! Otherwise, have fun and enjoy the awesome content that you or others have created.
Feel free to reblog as well! Let’s get the word out for the event.
(And a huge shoutout to @breadedsinner for being so kind as to make the announcement gif this year! And a second shoutout to @undead-potatoes for stepping up to the plate as well! Thank you both!)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY @spartanguard !!!!!!!! It’s not much but I hope you like it. Thank you for being a fantastic friend, the prince to my pirate, the troy to my abed, the captain to my charming. I hope you have a fantastic day, you definitely deserve it!!!
HOOK & CHARMING IN THE MORNING
The camera pans down from the studio
lights, through the large audience and stops in front of our beloved hosts as
they turn to face the camera and smile.
“Good Morning you lovely lads and lasses of
Storybrooke! I’m captain Killian ‘Hook’ jones.”
The audience erupts into cheers and
applause. The second host waits for them to simmer down before introducing
“And I’m Prince David ‘charming’
Nolan.” There’s another burst of cheers
and applause before he continues. “And welcome to Hook and Charming in the
The theme tune plays as the beloved opening
credits run across the screen showing a montage of our two favorite men of
Storybrooke getting up to all kinds of shenanigans.
The screen comes back to Hook and Charming
who are now seated behind their iconic desk, both with a mug of steamy hot
goodness in front of them.
“We’ve got a busy morning for you folks
tuning in today so I hope you’re wide awake and ready to start the day at home,
isn’t that right, Killian?”
“That’s right, Dave. We’ve got magic for
beginners and how to get that sulfur stench out of your curtains, and proper
duelling technique as demonstrated by myself and the charming prince here, later
on. But first off, if you haven’t had your breakfast yet, do not fear, Dave and
I will be putting our culinary skills to the test to determine which is the
heartier breakfast to get you started in the morning.”
“Yes, we’re starting off in the kitchen.
It’s pancakes versus mackerel for the latest pirate prince showdown. We’ve got
a poll up and running for our audience members and we’d like to know; which
would you vote the better breakfast? My stunningly fluffy nutmeg pancakes with
a side of sausage, or the captain’s torturous boiled mackerel with a side
serving of grapefruit.”
“No need to get petty, mate.”
“I’m just saying, I know which one I’d
“Aye, your dwindling energy levels are
proof of that. Unless it really is old age catching up with you?”
The audience ‘ooh’s at their trash talk.
“While I’d love to mock you about age, I
know your centuries old brain is becoming rather haggard so it’s best if we
move along in the show. But first, a few messages from our sponsors.”
Need a lil’ extra bite to make your meal
better than alright? Granny’s diner. Great food, greater prices, open 7am til
Need help finding a spell? Come and tell
Belle! Storybrooke library. For all your educational needs.
Audience clapping along with the theme song
play out as the camera swerves over to the kitchen area of the studio. David
and Killian stand with a breakfast plate each in front of them.
“Welcome back to Hook and Charming in the
morning! We’ve got our dishes ready to be put to the audience vote. Will it be
my light and refreshing, scurvy fighting breakfast, or Dave’s plate of sluggish
grease and batter?”
“Now who’s being petty? Okay, cast your
The camera pans across the audience as they
use their provided controls to vote. A counting down clock effect plays, ending
with a final ‘BOING’ to indicate time is up as we turn back to our hosts.
“So… Hook… who do you think wins? Your
bland, watery fish, or my golden fluffy circles of goodness?”
“There’s no questioning it, mate. I’m sure
everyone recognizes a healthy balanced meal when they see one.”
A drum roll plays in the distance.
“Well, the results are in and I can tell
you…. The pancakes win with 73% of the vote! That’s one point to the prince.
Tough luck, buddy!”
Audience ‘aww’s at Killian disgruntled
“I’ll be claiming that point back during
our duel later on in the show, don’t you worry, Dave. We’ll see-”
Blinding sunlight fills the dark shed as
both men squint to make out Emma’s silhouette in the doorway.
“What are you two doing in here?” she asks
with genuine curiosity.
Both men look at each other before turning
to her with beaming smiles.
“I was just telling your father of my plans
to put in a gladiola patch out front. I wanted his advice on… gardening…
“Really.” Emma deadpanned. She wasn’t
buying their innocent faces for a second.
David tried to reassure her with an equally
“What can I say? I’ve got a great eye for
Emma eyed them suspiciously, waiting for
their masks to crack, letting them know she knew they were up to no good.
“Well, breakfast is ready if you’re done
“Be right in, love.”
Emma turned from their guilty smiles and left
the men in the dark shed.
They turned to each other with a relieved
look on their faces at not being caught out. They picked up their mugs and
began to exit the shed.
<b>past-me:</b> who are you<p/><b>present me, sitting on a balcony overlooking costa blanca, reading a murder mystery novel with my prescription sunglasses, sipping very decent champagne from a crystal flute:</b> im you but mentally healthy<p/></p>
Straightest coworker: No, don’t ever split the bill! The GUY should pay on a date!
Me: (Can’t bite my tongue any longer) But what if no one on the date is a guy?
Me: I mean, do we mud wrestle for the check, or what?
Straightest coworker: …
Straightest coworker: (Decisively.) Whoever wears the prettiest dress shouldn’t