I wish I could find the correct words to use so that I could string them together to formulate beautifully flowing sentences to explain how I feel right now. I know it’s not love, I am not the kind of individual to fall fast anymore.. Sometimes I wonder if I can fall at all. Relationships mean too much to me now. I hate that our generation is full of people who doubt love and themselves so much that we just “talk,” to people and have a good thing going until someone cheats on someone else and we break hearts or get broken and it’s a vicious cycle. It feels like everything is so temporary and I crave.. No I need permanency. I want effort to stay even when shit gets hard. I want trust and honesty and reliability. I don’t want small talk and three worded conversations. Tell me about your childhood, and your parents, and the ghosts that haunt you even now. But nobody seems to want that. They want meaningless conversations and meaningless sex for nothing other than something to do to kill the time. So maybe that’s why I’m a little weary now when someone new walks into my life. Maybe that’s why I laugh when people tell me I’m lucky for having people pursue me. Sometimes I wonder why people don’t consider that just because someone wants me doesn’t mean I want them. I wonder even more what it means that “they” were never supposed to be anything other than a new form of conversation and now I’m finding myself wondering how their day is going. I want to know what their biggest fear is and what they think of space and time and me. I suddenly care what they think of me and that’s a foreign feeling. I want to send long texts about how I feel and I find that my heart smiles when I see their name on my phone and their voice does something to me I can’t explain. The best things in life are unexpected, and if I had to use one word to describe you, it would be, unexpected.