fake zangetsu

Bleach characters in the "inappropriate audition meme"


Author’s choice list. :)


I know, I know. This meme is old news on tumblr already. But I just love it so much. So this is happening. If people were auditioning for Bleach character parts, in a musical, using weird songs, what would each of them sing?


1. Hichigo

Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Hichigo, and I’ll be singing “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King.”


2. Fake-Zangetsu

Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of fake-Zangetsu, and I’ll be singing, “Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head” by B.J. Thomas.


3. Kaien

Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Kaien, and I’ll be singing “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion.


4. Kukaku

Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Kukaku, and I’ll be singing, “Firework” by Katy Perry.


5. Aizen

“Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Aizen, and I’ll be singing, "A Whole New World.”


6. Shinji

Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Shinji, and I’ll be singing, “Upside Down” by Diana Ross.


7. Yhwach

Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Yhwach, and I’ll be singing “The Alphabet Song.”


8. Hinamori

Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Hinamori, and I’ll be singing, “Great Balls of Fire.”


9. Ichibei

Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Ichibei, and I’ll be singing, “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child.


10. Shutara

Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Shutara, and I’ll be singing, “The Itsy Bitsy Spider." 


11. Byakuya

Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Byakuya, and I’ll be singing, "Poker Face” by Lady Gaga.


12. Kurotsuchi

Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Kurotsuchi, and I’ll be singing, “Poison” by Bell Biv Devoe.


14. Hitsugaya

Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Hitsugaya, and I’ll be singing, “Ice, Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice.


15. Starrk

Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Starrk, and I’ll be singing, “Like a Cowboy” by Randy Houser.


16. Ggio

Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Ggio, and I’ll be singing, “Eye of the Tiger.”


17. Giselle

Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Giselle, and I’ll be singing, “Zombie” by The Cranberries.


18. Kira

Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Kira, and I’ll be singing, “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees.


19. Grimmjow

Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Grimmjow, and I’ll be singing, “Moves Like Jagger” by Maroon 5.


20. Ulquiorra

Hello. I’m auditioning for the part of Ulquiorra, and I’ll be singing, “I Want To Hold Your Hand” by the Beatles.

Bleach characters’ curfews


As requested by anon. :)


This list will be silly.


1. Grimmjow

Grimmjow: Ha! My curfew is NEVER!

Tosen: Actually your curfew is 4pm.

Grimmjow: Wait….what?

Tosen: Every time you break a rule I make your curfew one hour earlier.

Tosen: Your original curfew was midnight.

Grimmjow: That’s not fair!

Tosen: You just hate justice.


2. Nanao

Kyoraku: Nanao’s curfew is 1am because I trust her and I want her to have fun!

Kyoraku: Yet she’s always home and in bed by 8pm…

Nanao: I LIKE TO GET A FULL NIGHT’S SLEEP!


3. Orihime

Orihime: Oh! Well, the distant aunt who pays for my housing ‘n’ stuff says my curfew is 8pm.

Orihime: But, um, she said that back when I was thirteen.

Orihime: And she doesn’t really talk to me ever.

Orihime: Or check to see if I’m staying out later than that, so…

Orihime: I don’t really think I have a curfew?


4. Kenpachi

Yachiru: Ken-chan’s curfew is 10pm because he has to get a full night’s sleep if he want to get up early and do his hair!

Kenpachi: Yeah. It’s important to be rested.


5. Yukio

Yukio: My parents never gave me a curfew because they didn’t love me.

Yukio: So I give myself an 11pm curfew. Just to spite them.

Riruka (sarcastically): Way to stick it to the man.

Yukio: Yeah and I never go out anyway.


6. Omaeda

Soi Fon: Omaeda’s curfew is 4pm because by that time every day I need him out of my hair lest I kill him dead.

Omaeda: Huh? Curfew? I thought 4pm was when I got off work!

Soi Fon: Whatever as long as you’re gone.


7. Bambietta

Giselle: Bambi’s curfew is never! Because I love her!

Bambietta: And you want to wield me as your zombie weapon slave at all hours.

Giselle: Isn’t that what I just said?


8. Telsa

Nnoitra: Tesla’s curfew is never because he’s always with me anyway.

Tesla: And because you trust me!

Nnoitra: No it’s definitely not that.


9. Kira

Gin: Oh, I don’t give Izuru a curfew!

Gin: Except once a week, when he has to be in bed by 7pm.

Gin: So that he has hours to lie awake and contemplate his life.

Kira: [twitching with existential angst]

Gin: Reflection is good for the soul!


10. Hichigo

Fake-Zangetsu: The hollow’s curfew is 9pm.

Fake-Zangetsu: He gets very crabby when he is not well-rested.

Hichigo: I DO NOT!!

Fake-Zangestu: He whines. At 9:01pm.

Hichigo: SHUT UP!!!

Bleach characters play "marry, fuck, work for": The Sequel


As requested by anon. :) And also anon. ;)


I prefer this slight variation of the “marry/fuck/kill” game because it means that you can’t get rid of your least favorite choice. You have to deal with all of them. I did a post like this once before, and a sequel was demanded. So here we go! Once again I will be selecting all of these characters randomly!


1. Hinamori gets asked: Katagiri, Kyorkau and Rose?

Hinamori: Um…..I think I’d marry Katagiri. She seems really sweet!

Hinamori: I guess I’d work for Kyoraku. Nanao works for him, and she and I have a lot in common!

Hinamori: So I guess I’m sleeping with Rose. Kira’s captain.

Hinamori:  Awkward.


2. Aizen gets asked: Hiyori, fake-Zangetsu and Tessai?

Aizen: I will marry Tessai, in order to steal him from Urahara Kisuke.

Aizen: I will “work for” Hiyori, because I like to torture Shinji’s friends, and because I REFUSE to work for any Quincy, even the one living inside of Kurosaki Ichigo.

Aizen: I will fuck fake-Zangetsu. Because at least that relationship is fleeting.


3. Bazz-B gets asked: Nianzol, Kenpachi and Loly?

Bazz-B: I work for Kenpachi! I feel like I’d get some kick-ass fights with him. Plus, not so many fucking rules.

Bazz-B: I marry Nianzol! He’s one of His Majesty’s top guys, so I’d be in the inner circle by proxy.

Bazz-B: And I guess I’d fuck Loly. She’s angry. I dig it.


4. Iba gets asked: Ukitake, Mizuiro and Sentoki?

Iba: I would fuck Sentoki! He likes to sit around shirtless in hot springs. That’s my type!

Iba: Marry Ukitake. He supports my club activities. He would be a partner.

Iba: Work for Mizuiro, I guess. I feel like he’d let me do whatever, so I could continue secretly working for Captain Komamura!


5. Ishida gets asked: Byakuya,  Dondochakka and Kiyone?

Ishida: …are you fucking serious right now?

Ishida: Very well. I work for Dondochakka. Because the other two options are literally unthinkable.

Ishida: I marry Byakuya. It will be a marriage of convenience. 

Ishida: I sleep with Kiyone. That way, I will only have to deal with her calling me “Ukitake” the one time.


6. Hikifune gets asked: Tatsuki, Rukia and Luppi?

Hikifune: I would choose to work for Rukia! From what I’ve seen, she would make an excellent boss.

Hikifune: I would fuck Luppi. Might be interesting.

Hikifune: And I marry Tatsuki. She would be an excellent person to share a life with, I think!


7. As Nodt is asked: Kira, Matsumoto and Tensa?

As Nodt: I would work for Tensa. He tried to protect his charge, Kurosaki Ichigo, from dying.

As Nodt: Not wanting his people to die is something I appreciate in a boss.

As Nodt: I marry Kira, so that I have a companion who understands despair, and so that we can go on double dates with Hisagi and whoever Hisagi marries.

As Nodt: I sleep with Matsumoto. Perhaps being held by her, I will momentarily not be afraid.


8. Byakuya is asked: Nemu, Omaeda and Shinji?

Byakuya: I marry the noble, Omaeda, so that my clan stops harrassing me.

Byakuya: I work for Nemu, as I hear she is easy to influence.

Byakuya: I sleep with Shinji. Afterwards, I shower for many, many days.


9. Giselle is asked: Kensei, Kaien and Tsukishima?

Giselle: I work for Kensei. He was a zombie, so he will understand why my work is important.

Giselle: I marry Tsukishima. He is dead, and I like the dead.

Giselle: I fuck Kaien. Because he has been dead longer.


10. Gin is asked: Grimmjow, Urahara and Ggio?

Gin: I suppose I marry Urahara. We can center our marriage around taking down Aizen. Plus, he is a business owner.

Gin: I fuck Ggio. He is both sexy and angry, just like my Luppi!

Gin: I work for Grimmjow, naturally enough.

Gin: I use our working relationship to get close to him.

Gin: So that I may murder him.

Gin: Because that dick killed my Luppi.

Gin: And I don’t stand for that sort of thing.

If Ichigo and fake-Zangetsu were locked in a room...


As requested by bleachfan-hitsuhina-rangin. :)


What if Ichigo got a chance to talk to the manifestation of his Quincy powers? How might that conversation go?


Fake-Zangetsu: Hello, Ichigo.

Ichigo: Old man!

Ichigo: A-are we in my soul world?

Ichigo: Has it turned into a tiny room??

Ichigo: Oh man I must be more depressed than I thought!

Fake-Zangetsu: We are not in your soul world.

Fake-Zangetsu: We are in…well, it does not matter.

Fake-Zangetsu: The important thing is that we get the opportunity to talk.

Ichigo: Again?  We just talked!

Fake-Zangetsu: …for like three panels. That is hardly a conversation.

Ichigo: Pretty long for me, actually.

Fake-Zangetsu: Look, I just need you to know how I sorry I am for suppressing your powers. And trying to prevent you from becoming a shinigami. And lying to you for so long.

Ichigo: Hey, man. I don’t hold it against you.

Fake-Zangetsu: …shouldn’t you though?

Ichigo: You thought that if I became a shinigami, you’d have to kill me. You didn’t want that, so you made some mistakes.

Ichigo: You also protected me a bunch of times! Like in that fight with Kenpachi, when you used Quincy power to stop my bleeding!

Ichigo:

Ichigo: How did I not realize that that was weird, anyway?

Fake-Zangetsu: So far as you knew at that time, your zanpakuto was magic and could do anything.

Fake-Zangetsu: If I had told you that it played polka music, you probably would have believed me.

Ichigo: Yeah, sounds about right.

Ichigo: But anyway, the point is - you may have suppressed my power some, but you also guided me and taught me and helped me. I’m grateful.

Fake-Zangetsu: But if I had not suppressed your powers, you could have mowed down all of your enemies with ease.

Ichigo: Well sure.

Ichigo: But think about how bad that would have made everybody feel! 

Ichigo: So bad!

Fake-Zangetsu: They were your enemies, Ichigo.

Ichigo: Most of whom are now my friends!

Fake-Zangetsu: Well that is true.

Ichigo: What about your feelings, though? Do you have any - reservations about killing the man that your appearance is based on?

Fake-Zangetsu: Yhwach, you mean?

Fake-Zangetsu: The part of me that is Quincy does feel some reservations about killing the Quincy king, it is true. 

Fake-Zangetsu: But I care more about protecting you.

Fake-Zangetsu: I am ready to do what is necessary.

Ichigo: Hey, I want you to know I understand.

Ichigo: I’ve had to beat up a guy who looks exactly like me a bunch of times, and it’s a little stressful.

Ichigo: Why does my zanpakuto look exactly like me, anyway?

Fake-Zangetsu: It is a mystery.

Ichigo: Anyway, I’m excited to get to use my Quincy powers!

Ichigo: Finally honor my mom’s side of the family!

Ichigo: Plus more powers. Always rad.

Fake-Zangetsu: It will not be a walk in the park, though, Ichigo. It will not be fun.

Fake-Zangetsu: Yhwach is a dangerous opponent. More dangerous than Aizen, because that is how plot works.  

Fake-Zangetsu: You must be prepared for whatever happens.

Ichigo: I am.

Ichigo: I mean, I lost my powers in the Aizen fight.

Ichigo: So if Tite Kubo’s gonna raise the stakes, then I’m probably going to die, right?

Fake-Zangetsu:

Fake-Zangetsu: It is possible.

Ichigo: I mean…it’s not like I haven’t died before. And even if it’s permanent this time, well - I can’t let everyone down.

Ichigo: I need to protect them.

Fake-Zangetsu: You’ve grown so much, Ichigo.

Fake-Zangetsu: I remember the day when you ran in terror from Urahara Kisuke, who wasn’t even trying to kill you much.

Fake-Zangetsu: Just - ran. In terror.

Fake-Zangetsu: It was actually a little funny.

Ichigo:

Ichigo: We were having a moment, dude.