fake retirement

the-random-kitten  asked:

How would the suitors react if the princess sent them nudes? ( i hope your feeling better btw :p )

Hey thanks! I am getting a little better… hopefully in a couple days I’ll feel normal again :)

I hope you enjoy… I guess this is just an AU where they have cell phones, lol.

*Slightly NSFW*

Albert -His lover is in Wysteria and he’s stuck in Stein - one day unlocks his phone and opens a text to see a topless pic of the Princess = instant nosebleed. He runs into an antique vanity in the hallway and hurries back to his room for damage control. He doesn’t even acknowledge Nico calling after him down the hall- “Al, where are you going? We’re supposed to meet Byron!”

Leo - he’s sitting in a bureaucrat meeting about to die of boredom. His phone vibrates and he peeks at it to see a sexy pic of the Princess that says “Your bed is so cozy.” He straightens a little in his seat, but he’s quick to control himself- he takes a side eye glance around and excuses himself to the restroom. Then goes running down the hall to his bedroom, lolol.

Louis -The Princess is away for royal duties and he’s about to give a dance lesson when he pulls out his phone to see a sexy pic. He spends five full minutes just staring at it with his mouth gaped open - when his students ask him if he’s ok, he hurriedly fakes an illness and retires to his chambers to further enjoy said picture.

Sid - he’s gone on some business, searching for info. He’s talking to some guy in a sketchy bar outside of town when he gets a Snapchat from the Princess- she’s kinda into him and he’s kinda into her but nothing serious yet. The full body pic that says “I kinda miss you” gets his sex drive going so he excuses himself for a moment, goes the bathroom and sends her a dick pic “here’s a little keepsake for ya.”

Byron - you know he’s in some important meeting when he checks his phone (it might be an emergency) and he sees this sexy pic from the Princess - he forgets what he was talking about, probably says “umm” for the first time in his life, his face gets all flushed so he tells Albert to carry on. Once he’s not in the spotlight he lifts up that eyepatch to get a good look at that pic. Oh my…

Nico - when he gets the Snapchat he squeals and claps his hand over his mouth and yes, he proceeds to do a dance to himself. He’s outside in the garden and someone comes up to him and asks what the heck he’s doing. He has no idea how to cover it so he just chucks the phone into a nearby fountain. Eventually -he gets another phone and sends a pic of his ass.

Alyn - he’s in training when his phone buzzes and he pulls it out of his pocket. He sees so much skin before his eyes; his face turns beet red has to bite his lip to keep from giving it away- Holy Shit - he hurriedly shoves his phone back in his pocket and goes to splash water on his face.

Robert - looks at it intently. Texts back that “a Princess shouldn’t send pictures like that - it’s not ladylike.” Also responds with- “but I’m going to keep it for anatomy artwork purposes.” Fufufufu

Giles - gets the sexy pic and stares at it for a good while. Sends a message back “That is no way for a Princess to behave,” then proceeds to text her one of his already posed nudes with; “This is how to send a nude pic Your Highness.” Later he tells her she’s due for a spanking ;)

Rayvis- nearly drops his phone when he sees the pic and goes clamoring for it across the floor. Looks at it five times until he’s about to hyperventilate and has to go take a cold shower. Guuhhhhh ….

The Whistler: Did you hear that Willie Nelson died?

My Boss: (laughing) Yeah

The Whistler: Not a fan?

My Boss: Well sure I am. But it wasn’t real.

The Whistler: It wasn’t???

My Boss: No, facebook cut off the end of the headline, but if you clicked on it, that wasn’t what the story was about.

The Whistler: Oh! I didn’t click on it or read anything past the headline and just assumed it was true and shared it with everyone I know and made it a core part of my worldview in true ‘old people on facebook’ fashion.

Me: (stunned that such a thing could happen to the Whistler) 😮😱😵😳😮

Patrick Stewart:

Parental Ricknapping, for the Stanchez Micro-Bang

Parental Ricknapping by spinetrick
Rated T - Teen
Summary:
Fresh from the biggest job he and Stan have ever pulled, Rick is flush with cash and ready to waltz back into his daughter’s life after four years without a single phone call. Stan is just trying to hold things together until they can fake their own deaths, retire to a nice island in the Caribbean, and forget about everything.
Content Warnings: Drug and alcohol use, minor violence, questionable parenting decisions, dysfunctional relationships
Art by animatedegoist
Art by professor-cinnamon-roll (Contains: Flashing Lights)

the first time James Bond said “Kids these days” in MI6, the entirety of the office organized a massive fake Retirement Party for him and got a banner that said “Congrats You’re Old!”

The!!!!! Man!!!!! From!!!!! UNCLE!!!!!!!!

  • It was like James Bond had a baby with oceans eleven and it was raised by mad men
  • Illya!!!!! Sweet cinnamon roll!!! I could watch him beat the shit out of people for two straight hours!!!! It really turns me on!!!!!!
  • *slams fist on table* FAKE MARRIAGE TROPE!!! FAKE MARRIAGE TROPE!!! FAKE MARR-
  • Illya was so gigantic was there ever a shot of him entirely in the frame?? NO because they don’t make cameras that BIG
  • Gaby so smoll and anGRY; fits entirely into frame
  • Victoria and her fabulous hair scarves and her beautiful Italian boats looking like vogue circa 63 I want her to murder me
  • Seriously everyone was SO stylish and the girls were positively ethereal like it was unbelievable that they were so beautiful
  • GABY AND ILLYA!!!!!!!
  • Gaby and illya
  • Gaby
  • And
  • Illya
  • The trailer is very misleading; solos role was a lot smaller than I expected it to be but it was good. I think all three of them shared a pretty equal amount of screentime and lines
  • Also: the film was a lot less funny than I thought it was going to be. I think there’s this odd trend in scripts lately to turn everything into a one liner (The Avengers obv) and this really destroys meaningful character development. I don’t think they took that route–they very easily could have(there seemed to be a lot of opportunities where they could have made these characters simpler) but they didn’t.Thus there’s a lot more dialogue to work with. I like that.
  • Gaby and Illya have a fake marriage
  • They have a fake marriage and I loved it because I am fake marriage trope TRASH
  • I mean honestly?? What’s next?? Fake baby?? Fake house??? Fake retirement and growing old together????? ??????

anonymous asked:

Azoff is going to owe Harvey big time if TMZ ends up not getting some kind of exclusive.

True. Can you imagine the phone call?

Irving: So, Harvey, I’m sorry to tell you this, but we’ve worked out a great deal for the boys and we’re not going to need to go forward with that exposé after all. Thank you for cooperating with us for so long. Perhaps I can get Gwen to give you an exclusive interview about working with Blake on the voice as a thank you?

Harvey: … 

Irving: Harv, are you there?

Harvey: WE JUST SPENT THE LAST FOUR MONTHS FOLLOWING LOUIS EFFING TOMLINSON ALL OVER LOS ANGELES FOR YOU. IF HE DIDN’T GO TO THE SAME PLACES ALL THE TIME WE NEVER WOULD HAVE FOUND HIM. I PAID OUT THOUSANDS IN EXPENSES FOR MY STAFF’S STARBUCKS ORDERS AND VALET PARKING AT CALABASAS COMMONS. WE HAD TO PAY FOR THAT BABY IN THE ONESIE FOR THE MERCH AD. I HAD TO LOOK LIKE A FOOL AND ACT LIKE ANY OF THIS SHIT WAS BELIEVABLE. DAX TATTOOED #ENDBABYGATE ON HIS ASS. HE HAD TO INTERACT WITH PEOPLE ON TWITTER. AND NOW I DON’T GET AN EXCLUSIVE?!?!

Irving: Um … sorry. You know how it goes sometimes.

Harvey: Fuck Gwen and Blake, I want the exclusive on Elvis’ fake death and retirement home in Mexico. I know you have the inside access there. AND I want to know what really went down in Roswell. I’ll keep that one to myself until I need a good distraction.

remember when mark henry executed the performance of a lifetime during his fake retirement speech

and we all believed him and he trolled us hard

what a guy

anonymous asked:

Hello! You’re the only person I know in this site who talks about Mary while being levelheaded and rational so I feel safe asking you this. I am very much convinced that Mary is Moriarty’s agent sent to be a barrier for our hero’s developing romantic relationship. So what baffles me is how Mary dared to shoot Sherlock. Like Didn’t Moriarty tell Mary that Sherlock is off limits? The whole point of the long game is to have Sherlock INTACT without John! Mary was almost going to ruin everything.

Hey, have you theorized why Moriarty sold Mary out in HLV? I have sort of a theory and just wanted to see what you think. He could’ve just ordered her to fake getting caught in CAM’s office and get Sherlock in her side. I mean surely they didn’t fear John or Sherlock killing her. The long game plan would get smoother if this happened. I think why   this didn’t happen is because Moriarty fake promised Mary a retirement and a normal life (with John) and never to reveal her true identity/ past.

talks about Mary while being levelheaded and rational so I feel safe asking you this - what is this world even coming to that people feel unsafe asking about Mary

Anyway: 

You’re right, Mary trying to kill Sherlock is how we can be pretty sure that Mary loves John (in her own selfish way) and doesn’t just consider him a mission from Jim. Because if her true loyalty was to Jim, she never would’ve tried to kill Sherlock. Her choices in CAM’s office were:

  1. Let her cover be blown with John and possibly John will leave her - Jim considers to be bad
  2. Kill Sherlock - Jim considers to be HORRIBLE, HE WILL TURN YOU INTO SHOES

So if Mary was just trying to do what Jim wanted, she would’ve let her cover be blown rather than kill Sherlock. But she didn’t, so she wants to keep John more than she wants to work for Jim. This is also how we can be pretty sure that Jim is not blackmailing Mary into working for him by threatening people she cares about: if she were that afraid of Jim, she wouldn’t have shot Sherlock. (I do think it’s possible that Jim is blackmailing Mary into working for him by saying “If you don’t work for me, I’ll tell the people who hate you where you are.” However, since she shot Sherlock, whatever blackmail material Jim has on her - if anything - isn’t holding her.)

We call Mary “Moran,” but … that’s not quite true, anymore. It was true up to CAM’s office in HLV, but after that, Mary branched out in her own direction. Because ACD Moran was always loyal to Moriarty. In The Empty House, one of his main motives for targeting Holmes is revenge for Moriarty’s death. In ACD, Moran was only ever an extension of Moriarty: the muscle. 

Mary’s not like that. Mary used to be like that, before we knew her: for example, in TGG, her function was to aim some sniper riffles at Sherlock and John. But now Mary’s got her own agenda and is a villain in her own right, not just an extension of Jim, because she doesn’t want the same things Jim wants. In fact, they want opposing things: Jim wants to keep Sherlock and eventually kill John; Mary wants to keep John and kill Sherlock.

She’s definitely not happy to have Jim back in the game full time. She pretty clearly knew Jim was always alive, but I don’t think she expected him back quite so soon. And even if she did, she’s not happy about it at all. Jim coming back into the open means her whole life - that she almost lost when John walked out for six months and now just got back - is about to go to shit. Once Jim is back in the open, it’s only a matter of time before he tells John that she works for him, and that she knew the whole time that Sherlock was alive and didn’t tell John, and then John’s going to leave her. Her relationship has an expiration date, and it’s whenever Jim decides. After shooting Sherlock, she probably also knows her life has an expiration date - that’s also whenever Jim decides.

The only way that Mary can keep John and stay alive and out of jail herself is to kill both Sherlock and Jim (and probably Jim’s other two assassins, since I’d bet that Jim has them ready to take a hit on Mary if she tries anything, after what she did in HLV, and possibly Mycroft, depending on how powerful/important she thinks Mycroft is). Killing Sherlock and Jim is not exactly an easy task, particularly because now John is going to be very suspicious if Sherlock suddenly gets sniped. So Mary’s best option is probably to make it look like Jim and Sherlock killed each other, meaning she’ll have to kill them at pretty much the exact same time, which again makes it more difficult. She probably also has to kill at least Jim from a close range, not with a riffle, since I doubt Sherlock is great with a sniper riffle. Definitely not easy.

(Even if you don’t think Mary wants to keep John, she still thinks she has to kill Sherlock and Jim because she shot Sherlock. Jim will kill her for that; Sherlock will send her to jail, so to stay alive and out of jail, she needs them both dead. So whether or not she loves John really doesn’t factor into her main actions anymore - and in fact, I would guess it’ll never be 100% clear if she loves John or just considered him a mission or what.)

Given Mary’s personality, I do think it’s very likely that Jim fake-promised Mary a retirement with John or a semi-retirement: do the occasional hit for Jim, come home to John and baby and dinner, Mary’s perfect life. However, he might not have: he could’ve just told her it was a mission, and during the three years when Jim wasn’t having her do anything but marry John, Mary decided she wanted to retire and got complacent about that being possible. Either way, it doesn’t really matter - it’s definitely what Mary wants now.

Jim definitely didn’t intend/expect Mary to kill Sherlock because he assumed she would either be too loyal to him or too scared of him to do so. If Mary hadn’t killed Sherlock, she wouldn’t have been sold out by Jim half as badly. Yes, John and Sherlock would still know she’s an assassin, but without killing Sherlock, it would be a lot easier to spin it that Mary is actually a great person who worked for the CIA and is now retired, etc. John would’ve been angry that she lied to him, but he definitely wouldn’t be as angry as he is now. So she probably could’ve kept him, at least for a while - which is what Jim intended.

So Jim figured that when his plan for having John and Mary together had run its course, he could have Mary leave John - either because it’s just a mission and she’s fine with it, or because he could force her and threaten her. Now, however, that she’s shot Sherlock, she doesn’t just get to leave John and come back and work for Jim like she was in S1 and S2. Jim’s going to make sure she dies. Maybe he was always going to kill her when he didn’t need her to be married to John anymore; maybe not; but he definitely is now.

That’s where the assassins from TRF and the Waters Family come in - AKA the people who CAM talks about wanting to hurt Mary. Suffice to say that Jim is going to let lose the bad guys after Mary pretty soon.

However, I don’t think that any of the people after Mary (that Jim has on leashes to control her) will actually be able to kill Mary. These are the risks you take when you hire the second most dangerous man in London, Jim.

I don’t think the assassins from TRF will be able to kill Mary. That’s their job - but I don’t think it’s going to work because:

  1. I think John is going to kill Mary. It’s pretty pointless to have some random bad guys who don’t even have any dialogue do it.
  2. Someone needs to kill the assassins from TRF. They’re how Mycroft is under Jim’s thumb: If you don’t do what I want, I have people standing by to kill Sherlock. Mycroft can’t wrap them up himself because Mycroft doesn’t have anyone he can trust except John. So John would have to do it, but John is a Good Guy, and therefore, by the morals of this show, probably can’t take hits on two people in cold-blood, even if they are Jim’s assassins. But Mary, being a villain, can. So Mary will likely kill Jim’s other two assassins, instead of them killing her.

fake ah crew au where gavin is a really good photographer. his instagram is full of artsy photos of the crew, like one of jeremy holding onto the bottom rungs of jack’s cargobob with the vinewood sign in the background and one of ryan about to jump out of the cargobob with his long hair blowing in the wind and the sunset framing him. there’s also one of michael bleeding while jack tries their best to patch him up in the back of the getaway van and dollar bills flying around them, and his work is critically acclaimed and people love it. like professors of photography show students his work and there’s talk of certain photos getting nominated for awards or being put on display at galleries but no self - respecting gallery or event wants the inevitable explosions or gunfire that comes with the fake ah crew so he never wins awards or gets on display anywhere even though they’re some of the most famous photos of the new age and years in the future after everyone’s sure the fake ah crew is retired he finally wins an award but there’s no ceremony or anything just in case the fake ah crew comes out of retirement for a night.