fake microphone

Imagine...Dancing With Dean

Originally posted by frozen-delight

Request: Can you do a dean x reader one shot based on the song nothing’s gonna hurt you baby by cigarettes after sex?

Pairing: Dean x reader

Word Count: 900ish

Warnings: language, implied smut/barely there smut


Keep reading

EXO | You Have A Child From A Previous Relationship

Anonymous said:

hi! i really like your blog! would you mind doing a reaction for monsta x and exo when their s/o they’ve been dating for about a month nervously reveals she has a child from a previous relationship? thanks!


I searched the internet far and wide….okay maybe I searched google and searched for a little over an hour…and most of these are gifs a couple of them are not….

Y/C/N (Your Child’s Name)

Xiumin/Minseok:
I can see Xiumin at first being upset, and not at the fact that you had a child from a previous relationship. He would be upset that you didn’t tell him from the start; he adores you and wants to know everything about you and your child would be a vital part of your life, so why shouldn’t he know? After you gave him your reasonings (whatever they might be) he would understand and of course say that if you were comfortable with it he would like to meet them.

“I just have to get my jacket and then we can go to dinner,” you said, walking out of your bedroom.

“But Minnie isn’t ready yet,” your daughter said as she put a flower clip in Minseok’s hair.

“One cannot go out without the proper hair accessories,” he said, flashing you a smile.

Originally posted by theseoks

Suho/Junmyeon:
Saying as Suho was normally the one calling “family meetings” and it was just the two of you, he was concerned by what you had to tell him. When you told him that you had a child from a previous relationship he wondered why you didn’t tell him from the get go (I don’t think something like this would be a deal breaker for him), but he didn’t question you about it openly. Instead he would ask to meet your child and he would make them feel comfortable around him in true Suho fashion.

“Here comes Mr. Teddy Bear…”


Lay/Yixing:
It would come as a shock to him when you revealed to him that you had a child from a previous relationship. But it wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. He loved you and as such he would do his best to get along with your child and set a good example. But…I would also like to wish you good luck actually getting your child back…

“Yixing, I need to give him his bath,” you said, reaching for your son.

“Tsk,” he said, pushing your hands away, “Can’t you see we are in the middle of The Land Before Time? A bath can wait a few more minutes.”


Baekhyun:
“Terrified” would probably be the words to describe how he was feeling in that exact moment that you told him that you had a child from a previous relationship. He’s a usually loud guy and his silence would concern you. Mainly that concern would probably be a bunch of questions that you either were or were not ready to answer and him wondering if the child would like him. He loves kids but there was still that worry that yours in particular wouldn’t like him.

“He’ll love you Baek, just be yourself,” you said, trying to reassure him, “Are you ready to meet him.”

“Yeah…yeah I’m ready,” he replied.

You went and got your son from his bedroom and introduced him to a now smiling Baekhyun. “He looks just like you Y/N…he has your cute cheeks…hey little man.”


Chen/Jongdae:
He would probably be quick to want to meet your child leaving you with a dumbfounded look on your face.

“What did you think I was going to leave you cause you had a kid?”

Honestly that was your biggest fear; but with Jongdae (much like Lay) I think that because of his bond with you it wouldn’t take much for him to get along with your child.

“Um…Dae? Can I have my son back?” you asked, as he began to walk down the hallway of SM.

“After I show him off to the guys, yeah,” he replied, walking off.

Originally posted by dayafterdae


Chanyeol:
For this sweetie you wouldn’t have to worry about nerves. As soon as you tell him about your child he would be ready to him and making plans about the games they could play. But just know…when it comes to potty time he has nothing to do with diapers.

“Did you say “potty”?” Chanyeol questioned before quickly picking up your son and running down the stairs of the park, “Y/N! Y/N! I need you!”

“What happened to my 30 minutes of eomma alone time?” you questioned, putting down your book.

“I don’t control potty time, take that up with him!”

Originally posted by luedeer

D.O.:
Kyungsoo would probably be a little terrified when he heard the words leave your mouth, however…he would know what the best way to approach this situation was slowly. He wouldn’t immediately tell the child that you were dating (if the child even understood at that point) he would just start as “mommy’s friend who came over during playtime” and as they got to know each other he would allow things to go from there.


Kai/Jongin:
It is in his DNA to be a father. If you have seen anything with him and kids, he is a natural with them. So as soon as the words left your mouth that you had a child his response would be “when do I get to meet him?”

Your son was never quick to warm up to people but as soon as he met Jongin they clicked and like they had never not known each other.

“Boys dinner is-,” you started but stopped when you saw Jongin sitting on the floor with your son in his lap reading him a book.

“The rabbit has big ears huh? What if I got your ear?” Jongin asked, giving a small tug to his ear.

“No, my ear,” your son replied laughing.

Originally posted by blondejongin

Sehun:
He was scared at first when you told him about his child. But as sassy as this boy can be he’s a sweetie and is caring. Though it was scary, he would jump at every opportunity to help you whenever he could and I could see him and your child quickly becoming close.

“Where did-oh my god!” you said, when you realized that your daughter who had gotten away from you had run up on stage.

“You all know about my girlfriend, Y/N,” he said as she wrapped her arms around his legs, “Well this is Y/N’s daughter Y/C/N…my princess.”


Luhan:
As much as he would try and act cool about the news he would probably be internally freaking out about the fact that you had a child from a previous relationship. But as soon as he would meet the child that internal freak out would turn into a gooey mess.

“Well, how are things?” you asked checking up on things.

“They’re great,” Luhan said, “He’s amazing jagi.”


Kris:
Kris loves kids, so like Xiumin, it wouldn’t be the “you have a kid” part as much as the “not telling” part. He would immediatly question why you thought you needed to hide something as important as this. But any irritation would go away as soon as he met your son.

“You look just like your eomma,” Kris said.

“Eomma says you sing,” your son said, holding a fake microphone, “I sing sometimes too.”

“Do ya buddy? Will you show me?” Kris questioned earning a nod from your son.


Tao:
You’d probably get mixed signals from Tao. On one hand he was in love with you and wanted nothing more than to see you happy and share every aspect of your lives together. OOOOOOOOOOON the other hand, he wasn’t real confident when it came to the subject of tiny humans. But he would give his best even if it took some time to get used to things.

“What is that?? Did you pick your nose again??” you heard from the back seat. On the way to your mother’s house Tao had decided to sit in the back seat with your daughter and read to her and keep her preoccupied during the long ride.

“Is everything okay back there?” you questioned, looking in the review mirror.

“I have become a human tissue…” he said sadly.

“And that’s why bleach was invented.”

xxEXO-Masterlistxx

hc; jeonghan

head·ca·non /noun/

-to note a particular belief which has not been used in the universe of whatever program or story they follow, but seems to make sense to that particular individual

jeonghan headcanons-

- carries around a backpack with water, bandaids, pain meds, ice packs, so basically a mom

- smells like fresh linen and citrus

- gets the autographs of his friends on his phone case bc it’s ‘cool’

- squeals whenever he sees a small animal

- wears like 15 wristbands

- treats balance balls as more of a toy than a piece of workout equipment

- sings at inappropriate times

- loves the taste of strawberries

- in result, he tastes very sweet. like strawberries and vanilla yum

- has read the harry potter series 4 times

- collects something from every trip he takes and keeps a box of all of the things

- likes purple hair bands the best

- loves the feeling of fuzzy blankets; collects and names them

- feels guilty paying in coins and constantly apologizes

- has fake microphones that he sings into when he thinks he’s home alone. seungcheol now blackmails him

- likes sweetarts a lot and always has a bag

- drums his fingers on the steering wheel when he drives

- smiles at you bc you’re just so beautiful and he isn’t afraid to say it

- voted most likely to think he’s being cool when he’s really not

- will cuddle you all day even if you both need to get up to work

  • I: Various things, such as the jacket and the artwork, Ruki-san, I think you’ve worked on it with the other members as well. About the Dim jacket itself, how was it (done)?
  • Ru: The jacket? In the beginning for the jacket I wanted to create somewhat a fake world. *bumps the microphone accidentally* In the end whatever happened, this one world.. What’s wrong?
  • I: *laughs* No, just now Reita-san and Uruha-san made eye contact and were laughing by themselves..
  • Re: Nono..
  • U: No, he bumped the mic.
  • Ru: Aaah.
  • Re: Ruki-san was getting too excited.
  • U: Don’t start to get violent.
  • *roars of laughter*
BTS react to you singing born singer

Damn I was going back in time and I suddenly ended up watching born singer.

1000 days with BTS lets get emotional!

all credits to the gif owner!


Namjoon: ahh Y/N thats beautiful..

You: you think?

Namjoon: you should try rapping my part

You: tss *Gives nudge*

Namjoon: I mean it. I wanna hear it, i can teach you.

You: really how?

Namjoon: what about now?

Originally posted by yoonkooks

Jin: *stares at you while singing*

You: *sees jin staring* OH MY-

jin: woah.. That was good

You: .. Thanks? I was just..

Jin: dont be ashamed I really liked it..

You: really..

Jin: would I ever lie to you?

Originally posted by dirtyvocalist-junhoe

Yoongi: you’re to slow

You: excuse you?

Yoongi: you rap too slow

You: oh..

Yoongi: dont be sad princess

You: *blushes*

Yoongi: *Grabs the fake microphone out your hand* what about I rap and you sing? I bet you sound amazing hitting those vocals.

Originally posted by bangtannoonas

You: i’m a born singer A little belated confession

Jimin: *walks in*

You: i swear

Jimin: …

You: The mirage that always seemed so far away is now before my eyes its here..

Jimin: I’m a born singer Perhaps an early confession.*smiles while looking into your eyes*

You: but im so happy im good *smiles back*

Originally posted by cloudjimin

Hoseok: sing something for me I can’t sleep 

 You: i cant sing.. 

 Hoseok: you can, try! 

 You: im a born singer jom neujeobeorin gobaek.. I swear 

 Hoseok: *smiles* awhh 

 You: eonjenna meolgiman haesseotdeon shingiruga noon abe isseo..yeogi isseo 

Hoseok: *Hugs you* you sound amazing, like a melody in my ears 

Originally posted by junghosyub

 Taehyung: I heard someone singing Born Singer! 

 You: oh really? 

 Taehyung: it sounded amazing! I remember when I sang it!

You: awh thanks Tae 

Taehyung: it was you?? 

 You: it was me silly! 

Taehyung: woahhhh i have such a talented girlfriend! *grins* 

Originally posted by ky-ngsoo

 Jungkook: were you singing Born Singer in the shower?? 

You: yeah sorry.. 

Jungkook: no! It was amazing! I kinda felt emotional.. 

You: really? 

Jungkook: i didnt cry! I just felt a little bit emotional 

You: Im a born singer- 

Jungkook: *tackles you*

Originally posted by sugutie

Forbidden Documentary Footage Uncovered
  • Recording is blank for approximately 30 seconds before title screen appears. Title is written in plain white Helvetica font on plain black background. Documentary is titled "Evidence of Flat Earth". Song "Fly" by band Sugar Ray plays for approximately 12 seconds. Song is edited to be slower. Title fades. Host appears standing in field of snow. Host is holding a microphone that appears to be fake. Several times throughout the recording host makes no attempt to actually speak into microphone. Host is either reluctant to make the microphone appear as real or simply does not care.
  • Host: Hello, this is Maria Rosaline and this is my documentary. It is about fla- flat.
  • Host appears to look at something off-screen. Recording quickly cuts to another take.
  • Host: Many people believe in things that don't make sense like ghosts and aliens even though those things are fake. Some people say you can't prove those things are fake, so there is so- some justification in their beliefs. However, everyone knows that the earth is round, so how can you believe it is flat? Some people believe it is flat anyway and they're stupid. This is my thesis.
  • Host looks at something off-screen. Footage cuts to another take.
  • Host: Today we will be talking to someone who thinks the earth is flat, and maybe we will find out why she thinks the earth is flat. Many people believe in different things even though they're fake. Th- this is my thesis.
  • Recording cuts to a seemingly unrelated shot of a graveyard. Possibly recorded in the summer or early autumn. Recording cuts to an elderly woman in a kitchen. Host is off camera but their arm is visible holding the microphone in front of the elderly woman's face. Microphone is noticeably touching the elderly woman's mouth. Elderly woman is unresponsive. Song "How To Save A Life" by band The Fray is plays loudly. Elderly woman seems to speak, but is inaudible over "How To Save A Life" by band The Fray.
  • Host: Turn that shit off.
  • Another voice is heard, presumably whoever is manning the camera.
  • Cameraman: I'm not playing it.
  • Host: St- stop messing around and turn it off.
  • Cameraman: You see me standing right here. How the fuck am I playing it?
  • Recording cuts to footage outside. Elderly woman is only person present in footage. There is heavy snowfall. Deciduous forest is visible in distance. "How To Save A Life" by band The Fray is able to be heard faintly.
  • Elderly Woman: It is very cold.
  • Host: I know, I'm sorry. It's too loud in the house. Let's make this quick and we can all go home. So, why do you be- believe the earth is flat?
  • Elderly Woman: I do not believe in things. It is very cold. We should stay in the house. I do not like it outside.
  • Host: Can you just answer one question, please?
  • Cameraman: Bitch is crazy.
  • Host: Shut the fuck up.
  • Elderly Woman: I do not like it when it is cold outside and dark at night. We should go back inside.
  • Several figures can be seen walking out of the forest in the distance.
  • Cameraman: Okay, I think we should go the fuck back in.
  • Elderly Woman: Yes. Let us. I can make you children brackenberry porridge.
  • Host: Please, please just answer one question and this can all be over with.
  • Figures from the forest begin to walk towards the subjects. Cameraman moves the camera. Camera films the ground.
  • Cameraman: I'm going the fuck in. I'll fail the fucking class. I don't care. I didn't pay tuition for this shit.
  • Host: Come on, this is du- due tomorrow.
  • Elderly Woman: Brackenberry porridge is savory and rich in fiber.
  • Recording cuts to dark footage of a window. "How To Save A Life" by band The Fray plays at excessive volume. Large figures can be seen moving past the window several times. Figures are humanoid in shape. No other significant features can be made out. Recording cuts to silent footage of a mirror. Camera is recording in night vision. Camera can be seen in mirror, but there is no cameraman. Camera is seemingly floating. Recording cuts to footage of snow covered ground. Camera is recording in night vision. Host and Cameraman seem to be walking through forest.
  • Host: It's fucking cold. We're lost. We're gonna die.
  • Cameraman: I found that old hag in her basement, right.
  • Host: We're not gonna find the car. We're gonna fu- fucking freeze out here.
  • Cameraman: She's got this impressive set-up. She was editing our documentary for us.
  • Host: We're gonna die.
  • Cameraman: She said something to me. I couldn't hear her because that shitty song was so loud.
  • Host: We're gonna die.
  • Cameraman: But there was a hammer there, and I thought, "No one would miss this old hag." So I just whacked her over the head. Bam, bam, bam! Three times!
  • Host: We're gonna die.
  • Cameraman: Bam, bam, bam! Another three times.
  • Host: We're go- gonna die.
  • Cameraman: I'm a murderer now.
  • Host: We're gonna die.
  • Cameraman: I'm just kidding I made that up.
  • Host: We're...
  • Recording cuts to silent footage of fake microphone lying in snow. Footage is in night vision. Camera centers on microphone for approximately 5 minutes. Camera goes out of focus several times. Footage ends here.
  • There is evidence to show that "Marina Rosaline" is not the real name of the host that appears in this recording. Video was uploaded by KrauserGamer98 on Roblox Forums. KrauserGamer98 claims to have cut out 48 minutes of "unnecessary" footage. KrauserGamer98 claims most cut footage was blank or focused on a poster featuring the character Crazy Frog.
  • Thank you for reading.
Comparing Notes

I’m starting a new series because @chronicopheliac is a jerk and keeps bringing out amazing crack ideas when we chat. So the basic gist is this: What if characters on Hannibal got together and actually talked about things that mattered - like How is Hannibal Lecter in bed?

So…for the first installment, I’m tagging @damnslippyplanet because I wrote Marlana, which I’ve never done before…be nice, people! 

Alana & Margot

Alana was tired. It was her night to put Morgan down and of course all he wanted was another story. Margot was better with him, she somehow found the perfect balance between loving and firm. Alana just couldn’t manage it. Tonight she was Mean Mommy, a moniker she seemed to earn more and more frequently of late.

She had almost convinced herself to turn around and read Morgan another chapter of Treasure Island when she heard giggles coming from her bedroom. Slowing her steps to dull their noise, Alana peered around the doorway. Margot was bundled up in her favorite silk pajamas, the ones that made her look like Myrna Loy in some decadent 30s film, one hand pressed to her mouth, shoulders shaking as she looked at something on her tablet.

“And what, pray tell, has my wife making such a racket?”

Margot flushed, turning a gorgeous shade of pink that made Alana smile fondly.

“Nothing.” Margot’s eyes were huge.

“You know I don’t buy that look when Morgan has it either.” Alana was having trouble keeping her face stern, her lips ticking up in the corners.

“Jimmy updated his fic on AO3.” 

Alana sighed. Ever since they had fled Baltimore, Margot had developed a perverse fascination with the Murder Husbands culture Freddie Lounds had developed. Margot commented on message boards anonymously, devoured fan fiction like it was actual literature, and had a bizarre email relationship with Jimmy Price that Alana had decided to find charming instead of disturbing.  

Alana rolls her eyes, she slipped out of her robe, leaving her in a chemise. At least she could still get Margot’s attention the old fashioned way. Sliding beneath the covers, Alana held out her hand.  

“Let me see.” Margot bit her lip and held out the tablet, the flush still pinking her cheeks and ears. This ought to be good…

Hannibal stretched before Will on the bed, ass high and hole fluttering. Will stroked his pulsating member, pre-come flowing freely from the tip. He grabbed Hannibal’s hips jerking them high, until the cannibal was performing a handstand, legs split at a perfect 180 degree angle.

“Tonight, Hannibal, you’re my sloppy bi-

“OH MY GOD!” Alana chucked the tablet away from her, cringing. Margot laughed. “I don’t even think that’s physically possible.”

Margot smiled, retrieving the tablet from the foot of the bed and placing it on the nightstand. She raised an eyebrow at her wife.

“Maybe you’re just not that flexible?”

Alana snorted.

“Trust me, neither is Hannibal.”

Keep reading

You asked a serious question, now here is my serious answer…

We don’t just make fun of you for your long hair. We also include the questionable amount of oils and grease bubbling from those follicles. And the same contents that pour out of your sebaceous glands cover your face, making it look like you use Crisco instead of soap to wash your face and said abuse of Crisco has resulted in a video where most of my attention was focused on a giant pimple on your nose. FNGR has told you this many times before we have, practice proper hygiene.

There’s also that screechy prepubescent voice that screams, “Am I in the cool kids club yet, guys?” And the fact that you can’t orate is laughable, Jim AKA Mr. Metokur got his following almost ten years ago because of his oratory skills, he writes his material which you’ve never bothered to do. And another thing, shoving your face into your fake expensive microphone, (You’ve claimed in one of your joke videos that the headset mic is the real reason we’ve had to put up with your squawking) doesn’t really make you look endearing or tough like Alex Jones… it looks like something that’s not safe for work.

And speaking of your work… You’re not fun anymore. You just repeat the same BS from the past months we’ve had to respond to you which easily adds up to “NO! NO! NO! HEE-HAW! HEE-HAW! HEE-HAW!”

You were in a debate with people who knew their stuff better than you ever did, You kept jumping back to the whole “Canada’s life expectancy is three years longer than the US because of Free Health Care”. When it’s been proven by the other panelists that most Canadians don’t indulge in the same kind of cholesterol loaded foods or drugs that we have.

I mean these panelists have done the same thing we’ve done, but on a grander scale and on a topic you felt more comfortable with. So in short, I think we’re done with you here. You haven’t brought anything new to us, you’ve made yourself into a huge jackass and you’ve made a lot of enemies with people who could easily shut you up if given the opportunity… or would rather take the opportunity if you weren’t dank trash.

And to answer your Golden Fox question, why would we make fun of him? He doesn’t even know who we are or wouldn’t pay any mind to what we had to say, plus what could he do that would get our attention? Cross-dressing isn’t the most harmful thing on the internet by far.

-JoJo

I Swear

Summary: Anonymous request for fluff. Sam catches the reader dancing while they clean the bunker and decides to join them 

Content: Fluff

Word Count: 341

A/N: I left the music general, but for those curious I wrote this while grooving in my own chair to K-Pop

Originally posted by guardian-of-lavender-dawn

Keep reading

Daddy 5SOS Preference: Birthday

“Daddy 5sos: child’s birthday party”

A/N: Okay, this one got out of hand and really long, super fast. LOL. Anyway, I’m trying to make these evened out so not all of them are about BABY children and I’m trying to mix in some school-age and teenaged children as well. So I hope you enjoy! :) 

Luke: They were on tour on Kayla’s birthday. Luke felt bad enough that he wasn’t home for his daughter’s third birthday, but even worse that he couldn’t even spend the evening on Skype with you and your daughter because he had to play a show. Understandably, Kayla was just as upset.

But then you and Luke decided to fly Kayla and yourself out to New Zealand where the boys would be that night, but not tell Kayla where they were going until you guys got there. With Kayla’s birthday only a week away, you went into overdrive to prepare, doing laundry, packing, and cleaning the house up. When the day finally came, you took Kayla to the airport and explained to her that you guys had to fly to get her birthday present.

Keep reading

More Louis "Jim Halpert" Tomlinson

No, this isn’t March 2012. I’m trying to find a radio interview from March 2012 and keep getting side-tracked.

In this interview from in:demand UK recorded/filmed on 22 December 2011, Harry is asked by someone on twitter to hug her.

Host: Harry, I cried when you cried in your documentary. Will you hug me and make it better?

Harry proceeds to pretend hug a fake fan microphone stand and even this caused great angst for Louis, who watched it all with open disdain and said “Yeah, except she’s not really here so maybe you can arrange a meeting later.” Which Liam found VERY amusing.

And then Louis again Jim Halperts the world.