fairy-tale

SPOONS: THE ULTIMATE WEAPON

THE QUEEN IS UNABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN, SO SHE’S REALLY FUCKING SAD. ONE DAY, THOUGH, A BEGGAR WOMAN SELLS HER SOME MAGIC FLOWERS THAT WILL HELP HER HAVE KIDS. ONE OF THEM IS GOLD AND THE OTHER IS BLACK, AND THE WOMAN TELLS HER TO EAT THE GOLD ONE BUT NOT THE BLACK ONE. WHY DID SHE GIVE HER THE BLACK ONE AS WELL? WHO FUCKING KNOWS.

THE QUEEN IS REALLY FUCKING HUNGRY, SO SHE EATS BOTH FLOWERS. SHE’S PRETTY FUCKING STUPID. 

NINE MONTHS LATER, SHE GIVES BIRTH TO TWINS. ONE OF THEM IS GOLDEN AND PERFECT, AND THE OTHER ONE LOOKS LIKE A TINY LITTLE MOTHERFUCKING TROLL RIDING A GOAT AND CARRYING A WOODEN SPOON. THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR EATING TOO MANY FLOWERS, KIDS. FUCKED UP BABIES BORN WITH THEIR OWN SPOONS AND THEIR OWN GOATS.

SEVEN YEARS LATER, A BUNCH OF TROLLS SHOW UP TO MURDER THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE. THE UGLY DAUGHTER LOCKS HER FAMILY IN THE KITCHEN AND BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF ALL OF THE TROLLS WITH HER MOTHERFUCKING SPOON. SHE’S REALLY FUCKING GOOD WITH THAT SPOON.

UNFORTUNATELY, HER SISTER STICKS HER HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW TO WATCH. THE TROLLS TEAR IT OFF AND REPLACE IT WITH A COW’S HEAD. TROLLS HAVE REALLY FUCKED UP SENSES OF HUMOUR. ALSO THEY’RE MASSIVE FUCKING DICKTRUMPETS.

THE UGLY SISTER SETS OFF ON A FUCKING MASSIVE RESCUE MISSION TO THE LAND OF THE TROLLS, ACCOMPANIED BY HER COW-HEADED SISTER. SHE BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF THE KING OF THE TROLLS USING ONLY HER WOODEN SPOON, RECLAIMS HER SISTER’S HEAD, AND FUCKS OFF INTO THE SUNSET ON HER GOAT.

“Lena och riddaren dansa” / “ Lena dances with the knight ”
Signed John Bauer and dated 1915.
Watercolour, heightening white, indian ink and pencil on paper.
26 x 28.5 cm.

This illustration was created by John Bauer (1882-1918) for W.E. Björk’s fairy tale ‘Guldnycklarna’ in “Bland tomtar och troll” / “Among gnomes and trolls” in 1915.

Wonderwings and other fairy stories, by Edith Howes.
Illustrated by Alice Polson.
Whitcombe & Tombs Limited.
Auckland, Christchurch and Wellington, N.Z.
Melbourne and London.
Edited in 1918.

.WONDERWINGS.

Poppypink laughed with joy. “I am so glad, so very glad !” she said. “I have forgotten all about my wings.”