This song goes out to a lady that I met on AOL one time. I used to be a real pig and back in the heyday of AOL when there were actually some curious, normal users out there, I looked up in the member directory–God, I’m such a cornball–“female, Fairfield County, Connecticut.” That’s where I lived at the time, and I just felt like if I was going to start being witty with people, and God bless the delete key ‘cause you can be anything you wanna be. I wish I could proofread what I say in real life - that would be just grand.
And I think I started out some kind of phrase like, some pickup line like, “Hey, I see in your profile that you like bedpans,” and she didn’t. But, guys, I think I figured out the secret to getting a girl’s attention-but I can’t promise what happens after that attention-but you gotta be aware of what’s kinda been done a lot-and know what’s corny, be wacky if you have to, but just don’t be corny.
Am I right ladies at all?
[whispered] I have a vagina, too.
So anyway, we met. We started talking, hanging out. She was a dental hygienist. She taught me that I should floss before I brush, not brush before I floss, just because it sounds better in that order. She gave me free toothbrushes all the time, which saved me, I don’t know, 12 bucks a year. And she was 24 and I was 19, and I really, really, really wanted it to work 'cause I thought this lady was cool. We started hanging out all the time, it was like scenes from a movie. It was great. I guess she started feeling pressure from her friends in cubicles at work- although she’s a dental hygienist, so she doesn’t have a cubicle.
Anyway, so we hung out, we did all this stuff and kissing and stuff. And I’m like, “Am I your boyfriend?” She was like, “No, you’re really not my boyfriend,” and told me that all the time. I was like, “You pretty much seem like my girlfriend.” And she was like, “Shhh. Now let’s not talk about that.” It’s kinda like I had this job requirement - how many people do the work of the manager but they don’t actually have the manager badge and get paid? It’s like “I know I’m the manager-I know I run this place!”
And that’s what happened. I was like - we’ve got everything, we’ve got everything it takes. We are boyfriend and girlfriend, you just don’t wanna admit it. And then she was house sitting one night and she wanted to sleep with me. And I kicked myself for a little while after that, but I’m really happy that I said this to her. I said, “I just want you to know that if we do that, which I have no objection to doing, we are boyfriend and girlfriend-there’s no going back after that.”
So I went over to her place, and I started making out with her, and I looked up and she was watching the TV. I know that was some sort of defense mechanism for her - I know she really didn’t want to see what was on TV. I took it kind of hard. She sat there and got up and she went “you can’t really give me what I need.” And I said “what is that?” and she was like, “you’re just not the one for me.”
I just wanted to tell her about what it’s like to be in the moment with someone and be in such denial about it. It’s, it’s bullshit. So I wrote this song called Love Soon.