I Need Help...

Last month I had lost my job, and haven’t had any luck in finding a new one. I ended up having to move back to my parents apartment, one that they can’t currently afford… I’ve applied everywhere I possibly could, and there’s only so much that I can do without a GED. I’m running out of options, and sooner or later I’m going to be out of time.

I’ve been saving and stretching what little my Patreon currently makes to buy ramen for food, and that’s it. That’s all I can afford. I’m supposed to be paying $200 a month as rent here, and that’s just impossible without a job. With little to no options left, I’m turning to my Patreon for help. :c

Right now, I work on a lot of projects in my spare time. Webcomics, TimeSplitters, and other personal projects. I can’t do ANY of that without a job, not anymore… I’m going to be loosing Cable and Internet here soon as well, unless I can magically find the money to turn it back on. So, there’s no possible way I’ll be able to continue work on any of these projects, at all. I know a few of you are already supporters on my Patreon, and I know that content updates are few and far apart…

If I’m able to raise enough support on Patreon, hitting at least the $400 a month, that will enable me to pay rent/expenses, and afford food. To top that off, I’d be able to work on all these projects night and day without any distractions. I don’t want to abandon all this work, I don’t like how my options are looking… and I definitely cannot keep living off $90 a month much longer. 

I’m going to leave it up to all of you, no matter what you’re a fan of. TimeSplitters: Rewind fans, Grim Noir fans, or even fans of the Zoophobia Projects that I do from time to time. I’ve revamped the Patreon rewards, and improved them overall.

If just ¼th of you guys were able to donate a dollar a month, I’d more than hit my goal, and would be able to afford this roof, cable/internet, and even real food. I can’t do this alone, and I’m running out of options and time…

Even if you can’t help, please, help by spreading this post around. Re-blogging can go a Very long way. Below is a link to my Patreon Account. Again, even if you don’t like my content or don’t care for any of the rewards, just sharing this post around helps lots.

Sorry for clogging up everyone’s feeds with this…

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https://www.patreon.com/DamianaidArt?ty=h

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One does not think during creative work any more than one thinks when driving a car. But one has a background of years – learning, unlearning, success, failure, dreaming, thinking, experience, all this – then the moment of creation, the focusing of all into the moment.
—  Edward Weston

I am sick, and sad, and feeling like the biggest impostor/failure. The sickness I can’t help, the sadness is self-serving, and the last part is fleeting, I’m sure. 

Despite being 28 years old, I still can’t find a way to hold myself accountable for my mistakes without falling down a spiral of shame and despair. How come “I messed up”, “I miscalculated”, or “I’m sorry”, turns into “You’re the most awful human who ever walked this earth, and everyone who loves you deserves better”? Whoa, Brain! All this for a missed deadline? 

Why is it so hard to remember that everyone makes mistakes, and everyone disappoints someone some times? Why do some people pretend they never have while they’re judging you?

My favorite therapist taught me to look in the mirror and say over and over again, “You are not the worst thing you’ve ever done.” Even when it’s darkest in my head, I hold onto that truth. I try to keep it somewhere safe. 

It has been a goal of mine to do an inversion. I was so excited tonight when I was finally able to do this pose, to actually get my legs above my heart! I know I have a ways to go still, but I felt so accomplished to hit this milestone.

Notice the past tense. I wanted to share this triumph with you all. So I took a photo. But now all I can see is how terrible I look. How fat my legs are. How big my stomach is. How much progress I haven’t made. How far I have left to go. And I think, what do I have to be proud of? Look at me.

Why do we allow ourselves to diminish who we are and what we’ve done? Why did I lose all my pride in the matter of seconds, with the mere click of a camera button? I’m nervous sharing, but I think it’s an important message.