Today, I fucked up... by taking a bath with my girlfriend
Obligatory this happened two months ago
My girlfriend and I were sick and congested. We were sitting on the couch and she said she was going to take a bath and put in eucalyptus oil and peppermint oil.
She then asked me if I wanted to join. Sure, laying in a hot bath sounded really nice. She went downstairs to grab our towels and I started the bath. As I put the oils in, I yelled asking how much I should put in. I got the answer of only a little bit.
Apparently our definitions of a little bit are different. I don’t know if you know how strong peppermint oil is, but i should be able to paint a picture.
As we climbed in the hot bath, I realized that my asshole was starting to feel like an ice cube was getting shoved up it.
In my congested, mentally drained from illness mind, I said “Hey babe, hot water rises right?”
Right away she looked back at me and screamed “How much fucking peppermint oil did you put in?!”
I said I turned it upside down and maybe like 10 drops got out.
So we jumped out, body covered in water with peppermint. It burned like icy hot. My balls were on fire. My girlfriend starts crying from the pain, and is screaming. I’m in the fetal position trying to wipe water off my balls.
I then get the idea of jumping in the shower and seeing if getting the peppermint off of me was possible. NOPE. Makes it much worse.
Fast forward ten minutes, we are curled up on the couch both covered in multiple blankets trying to get warm. It wears off on my girlfriend and she says she just feels numb, but it doesn’t hurt anymore. Takes me an extra 15 minutes for it to stop hurting.
The heat from the blankets warmed me, but I felt like I had ice under my skin.
Half an hour later, it went away.
And that’s why I’m not allowed to draw our baths anymore.
Tl;dr: girlfriend and I are sick. Decide to take bath. I put enough peppermint oil in bath. My girlfriend and I get it seeping into our pores. Has the effect of icy hot. Balls and asshole are in pain. Girlfriend cries, we have to wait out the pain.
This is approximately what happened when Twitter bought Vine. Anyway, this slightly unlucky red fox in a Yellowstone Winter was one of the most popular clips the National Park Service/Department of the Interior ever shared.
Today, I fucked up... by eating ice cream in the back of an ambulance
– Obligatory “this wasn’t today” –
I’m a firefighter/EMT and live in an area that responds to a significant amount of high-speed vehicle crashes. Needless to say, we all get a little calloused after a while.
It was July and my Captain, myself, and a co-worker decided to hit up a local fro-yo joint to cool off. As we receive our delicious cups of frozen creamy goodness, we get a call from dispatch of a high speed SCHOOL BUS VS. PICKUP wreck up on the highway. This is the kind of shit you dream/worry about as a FF. We hadn’t even paid yet, but the kind lady thrusts our cups of ice cream into our hands and yells at us to run, and that it’s on her. As we throw our protective shit on, the guys hand me their bowls (they are up front driving) and I am left figuring out how to preserve or discard the significant amount of ice cream present.
We’re hauling ass, and I have the brilliant idea to put the ice cream into the refrigerator where we keep the IV drugs. We make it to the wreck, find out there is a school bus full of kids, and a completely unrecognizable truck that had a young lady (driver) who was killed on impact. The kids were alright, but all the bystanders were pretty shaken by the scene, especially because one of the lady’s legs was amputated from the hip down and was just laying in the middle of the highway. I picked the leg up and covered it with a tarp.
Even worse, the car driving behind the pickup was the MOTHER of the deceased, and as expected she was absolutely hysterical. Basically, this whole thing was a shit show. I go over to try and comfort the mother, and listen to her say all of these things I know she would never tell even her closest friends, and then eventually left her when her pastor showed up.
I go back to the ambulance, and find out we need to move the ambulance to make room for some incoming units (43 kids inside the bus, all needed an examination), so I hop into the back and wait for my driver to get into the rig.
About five minutes goes by, and I figure he got held up. So I think “damn, it’s a hot fucking day and that ice cream is just sitting in that fridge.” Fuck it, and I go for my big bowl of fro-yo. So I’m sitting there, quickly spooning heaps of chocolaty goodness into my mouth, when the back of the ambulance door swings open.
15 kids, 4 cops, my boss, and the poor frantic mother just staring at me, as I shovel a big lump of ice cream into my mouth. I immediately grasped the gravity of the situation. Bus full of potentially injured children. An amputated deceased victim. The victim’s mother. And I am sitting in the back of the ambulance eating ice cream like a fat, careless fuck.
I tried to recover, practically throwing the ice cream sideways and stammering out “alright kids who wants to go for a ride?!” or some stupid shit like that. But they couldn’t hide their disapproving astonishment.
So that’s how I got the nickname Ice Cream.
TL;DR: Am firefighter, was getting ice cream, got interrupted, went to car wreck with dead people, finished ice cream in the back of the ambulance while on scene, was seen by everyone