Some thoughts on multiplicity and traumagenic vs. endogenic
We know why we’re multiple. It doesn’t boil down to a simple traumagenic vs. endogenic thing.
We’re autistic, and because of our autism as a little kid we experienced a lot of things as extremely overpoweringly overwhelming to the point where dissociation was a good coping mechanism. These weren’t things that are normally considered to be traumatic, but fairly “normal” things. Like, our own emotions, and also social things. Like, fairly innocuous things like us smiling and other people seeing it was so mind-blowingly overwhelming and terrifying that 3-year-old-us was doing things like covering our face and hiding under furniture until dissociation allowed us to cope with life better and not be an overloading mess all the time.
Is that trauma-based? If so, that’s saying that being our flavor of autistic is inherently traumatic, and we’re not really into that. It’s just how our brain works.
Dissociation + a highly active imagination gave us worlds and people and stories and our system. We like calling ourselves “imagination-based”. A lot of people might find this offensive, thinking imagination is trivial or “not-real”. However, we consider it to be one of the most real and important things in our life. Imagination is a very real thing, generated by the brain, and I think it can be related to dissociation in some very interesting ways.
We ALSO are from a very screwed up family and most definitely were abused and traumatized. We just don’t think it was the origins of our multiplicity. We’ve sorted through some repressed stuff and it had jack-all to do with us being multiple and was also not contained to individual ones of us, was more like general denial and not realizing how screwed up and not-normal some things were until we’d gotten away from them. We definitely fit the “well, things were kind of bad, but not like real abuse or trauma bad, other people have it worse, and nobody ever hit us except that one time and also that other time…” denial thing. Yes, it actually was that bad. Trauma has shaped us in some ways, though. Just not the repressed-memory DID way.
We relate to endogenic multiplicity a lot because we just don’t fit the repressed-trauma-causing-dissociation DID mold, and we think we’d probably be multiple regardless of abuse & trauma stuff just because of our neurology, and as far as we can tell we were already multiple before stuff started getting really bad.
We’ve described ourselves before as an “it’s complicated”-based system. Some combo of our autism, our natural neurology, imagination, trauma… Unless we could see ourselves in some kind of alternate universes where various ones of these different factors don’t exist, and how we turned out in those universes… who knows what definitely factored into it and what didn’t? We’re here now, no matter our origins, that’s what matters.
In the end, I really feel like it’s not anybody else’s business why a multiple system exists, or to judge whether or not those reasons are valid, or whether that system has explored trauma enough to properly declare themselves to be endogenic or not.
In a lot of ways we’re actually sick to death of all this debate and focus on origins and causes.
We’re autistic, queer, grey-ace, gender-weird… For all those things, it’s usually considered enough for us to say that’s what we are, and to just exist.
For multiplicity, though, people want REASONS and JUSTIFICATIONS. Can’t just say “hey, this is who we are and how we identify”.
If people got like this over our autism, queerness, or gender identity, wanting to know WHY we are this way, and wanting to focus on the causes, and wanting to delve into what trauma might have caused these things, that would be considered rude as hell. For multiplicity though, it seems to be the standard. I know things are complicated with this due to links between dissociation and trauma. But on some level all of this stuff still feels rude as hell.
Possibly because we are old and crotchety and have been out of the closet for a long time and are at the point in life where we don’t want everything we do to be about our multiplicity or about analysis of why we are the way we are. In our IRL circle of friends we know systems of all types, trauma & endogenic & other, and we don’t spend our time in some kind of deathmatch over who is the one true way to be multi, we are friends. We hang out and play video games together. Not having the same origins is harming nobody. We just kind of want to exist and have the focus be on WHO we are, not on WHAT we are. However, here it seems like there’s no escaping all this focus on origins and demands for justification.
All the gatekeeping stuff is harmful bullshit. If you’re a multiple system and you exist, you exist. The importance of your origins and how much you want to share is up to you. Nobody should ever have to justify their own existence. Existing is enough.
what she means:
i'd forgotten how much i thirsted for diego luna after i saw him in dirty dancing: havana nights shaking his lil body for cuba and love and freedom but DAMN DID THE ROGUE ONE TRAILER REMINDER ME TALK REBEL ALLIANCE TO ME BB
ok but did shisui ricochet off shit when learning shunshin as a kid. did he stubbornly copy it off someone bc no one would teach a tiny child how to move at high velocity? did he practice indoors. did kagami have to peel him off all the furniture he face planted into. i have so many questions