The Signs and y̭͓̼̝̦̼̣͠o̢͉͙̦͘u̸҉̬͙͈̮̟?̸̼̗̦̤̳̱́
Aries: You are a burning calculus textbook, an offering to the gods made in a fit of rage.
Taurus: You are the stumble turned into a backflip, still embarrassing but more dramatically so.
Gemini: You are the literal garbage sold for 2.5 million at an art auction, laughing all the way to the bank.
Cancer: You are the naked guy holding a cavalry spear in front of the department store. You draw a crowd, perhaps not for the reasons you’d like.
Leo: You are the scraping noise from inside the walls. Extremely eager to make friends, perhaps too eager.
Virgo: You are the sudden break in the fabric of space-time. A fun way to forget four months.
Libra: You are the foreclosed cafe. Despite your faults, still an excellent place to hang out.
Scorpio: You are the super-soaker filled with holy water. A pure thing with questionable intentions.
Ophiuchus: You are the angel of death caught in a cobweb. Fragile in the right circumstances.
Sagittarius: You are the chess set made of meat. Nutritious, beautiful, useful, but an acquired taste.
Capricorn: You are the impromptu tennis match with your nemesis in the middle of the supermarket. Your commitment only makes you more dangerous.
Aquarius: You are the underground spring that produced orange soda. Undeniably odd, but tasty.
Pisces: You are the palm reader with no hands. Daring people to ask.