I know we’ve all assumed Victor has some tragic backstory but what if it turns out he called his parents and was all “Banquet Boy skated my Stay Close to Me routine!” And his parents were like “We’re already booking you a flight to Japan. Get out there and don’t come back without bringing us home a son in law”

Because they are all as extra and ridiculous as him

And like he had almost daily phone calls of “Are you engaged yet? Does he want more dogs? Does he want kids? Should we buy him a car? Should we send his parents a faberge egg or would they prefer diamonds?”

Damn now I want a whole clan of rich extra Nikiforov’s


To Whom It May Concern:

A lot of people have expressed a desire for an update on President Donald J. Trump’s health since his inauguration. I have been the personal physician of President Donald J. Trump since 1980 and I am here to say that Mr. Trump’s health is absolutely better than ever.

Since being sworn in, Donald Trump has lost 50 pounds and gained 17 inches of height. He’s the longest president who has ever lived. His livers are both functioning flawlessly. His blood sets an all-time record for the state of New York for “most” and his blood pressure was rated “excellent” by seven different Fox News Twitter polls. He doesn’t even have one cholesterol.

I can say this unequivocally: Donald Trump has the most bones. Scientists estimate that he now has around 900 bones in his body and more are being discovered every day. Some of those bones have never been seen before. They allow him to be really good at presidential things like signing executive orders and making love nightly to his wife who wants him to.

Mr. Trump’s test results have been astonishingly excellent. He actually has a blood type we’ve never seen before: “All.” It’s both the universal donor and universal recipient, and sprinkling it on your penis makes your penis bigger. Mr. Trump’s blood is gorgeous. It has a rich color that’s hard to describe, but if I had to put it into words, I might call it “red.”

President Donald Trump has no family history of cancer, diabetes, or death. The president’s family members are immortal beings that walk the earth without end, craving the sweet release of death that will never come unless they make a deal with a cool witch. Donald Trump will never die, he will just keep growing vertically forever until he lives in space. It’s really astonishing.

His physical strength is extraordinary. He can lift as much as a mother whose child is trapped under a car, but he’s more attractive than that mother and he hasn’t let himself go like she has. Have you seen the way she dresses lately? The hypothetical mother in this simile is a total chunk. 4 at best. As the famous doctor Hippocrates once said, “Would not hit.”

Since the Inauguration, Mr. Trump has kept an extremely active lifestyle. He starts every morning by walking straight up into the sky and then walking down again. He also visits me regularly for checkups. Mr. Trump doesn’t let me touch him because of gay, so I just eyeball it and give him a once over. I can usually tell just by looking how much blood is in him that day or which liver has taken the lead, so it’s not a super intensive process.

Mr. Trump is not only the healthiest president that has ever served, but also the most handsome. I usually want to kiss President Trump when I see him, but I would never break the doctor-patient trust, so instead I kiss the portrait of him I drew on my little note pad. There have been no presidents that even come close to President Trump in terms of overall health and hotness. Franklin Pierce was pretty hot, but his body wasn’t great. James Garfield was more cute than hot. President Trump is the total package. I know this because of my stethoscope.

Just to give a little more background on me, I’ve been a doctor for years. I got into medicine the same way a lot of doctors do: I once took an unmarked pill that I found under a toilet in a public restroom, and the next thing I knew, I was blacked out doing surgery on a man on a Benihana table with the big knives they got over there. I flipped this guy’s appendix right into my hat. And that’s when I caught the bug, for surgery and for tetanus!

Now, I want to address some of the slanderous things that have been said about me. It’s just like these coastal elites to say I’m not qualified as a physician. They think you need fancy things, like a diploma from Harvard Med School or a diploma from a med school or a GED or a car or medicine or clean hands. You don’t need those to be a doctor! All you need is the right attitude and a good sense of humor and to be Jewish and a blank death certificate just in case!

This is America. We’re not “fancy” here. You’re supposed to be able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and put a bunch of clamps in a guy and see what tubes you can clamp up without making him sleep forever. My grandfather was a blue-collar worker, and so was my father. I am a red-collar worker because my collar is always covered in spurting blood. I may not know art or science or what a “lung” is, but I do know that I love America and am a lung-doctor!

Because of my love of America and Donald Trump, it is an honor to be his physician. Donald Trump could teach us all a thing or two about health. Not only is he the healthiest human ever, but also the healthiest dog, house and Faberge Egg. I wish him luck as he continues on his endless journey.


“Doctor” Harold N. Bornstein, M.D. (Mostly Doctor)

Fabergé Organics, Baby

A little Steve Harrington Drabble- I’ll add gifs etc later I just wanted to write this down:)

“Come on Steve, time to decide….” You said, chuckling to yourself and dangling a comb in the air, “Who do you love more: me, or your hair?” 

“I, uh, babe, I,” He faltered, eyeing you, the comb, and then his own reflection, “Okay, I love you more but just hear me out-” 

“Hah!” You ran up to him and rested your hands on his shoulders, “That’s all I needed to hear! Now sit down.”

“Wait, wait, wait- what are you doing, (Y/N)?? Babe?” 

You and Steve had been dating for all of 10 months, and thus far he’d never let you play with his hair. No matter how much you poked and prodded him, begged and annoyed him about it, he’d never given in. Until now, on your 18th birthday, when he’d finally said yes. 

So, to get back at him for keeping you at arms length of his precious locks for so long, you decided to have a little fun with him, “Hmmmm, what am I gonna do?” 

“Oh god, I better get like a thousand boyfriend points for this,” He groaned, eyeing you through the mirror with a look of sheer horror. 

“Trust me, Stevie, you’re gonna get a lot more than that.” 

And, with that, he smirked. 

Placing a cigarette between his lips he settled back into the chair and let you have your fun. So, for about 20 minutes you twisted and untwisted his locks, trying to braid them at first but then finding that surprisingly difficult to do, “Steve, why the hell is your hair so smooth? I can’t braid it.” 

“Fabergé organics, baby, it’s basically girlfriend proof.” 

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Russian emperor’s multimillion pound Faberge egg depicts a cottage in Yorkshire

The last Russian emperor commissioned the elaborately-designed gift for wife Alexandra after she visited Harrogate in 1894.

A Yorkshire cottage was depicted in a Faberge egg worth millions, a letter sent by the legendary jeweller proves. Last Russian emperor Nicholas II commissioned the elaborately-designed gift for wife Alexandra. She had visited the spa town of Harrogate in 1894 to treat her sciatica and stayed at Cathcart House under an assumed name.

During her stay the property owner, a Mrs Allen, gave birth to twins. Alexandra - the granddaughter of Queen Victoria - took this as a good omen for her forthcoming marriage to Nicholas II and asked if she could be godmother to the twins and that they be named Alix and Nicholas.The couple sent the children expensive gifts for their birthdays for the next 21 years.

One such gift was a jewelled cutlery set made by Russian silversmiths the Grachev Brothers. The boxed set was passed down through the Allen family and was recently put up for auction.  Along with it was an incredible scrapbook kept by the Allens that documented all the correspondence they had with the Emperor of Russia and his wife during their friendship. It reads: “His Majesty has charged me to make a rich album containing views where Her Majesty lived in her youth. Would you be kind enough to send me a photo of your house in which the Princess lived in 1894?”.

The four-storey Victorian property joined places such as the Alexander Palace and the Winter Palace in St Petersburg, Windsor Castle, Balmoral Castle and Osborne House on the Isle of Wight.

The egg was one of 52 Imperial decorative eggs made by Carl Faberge and is currently owned by a museum in the US.The cutlery, scrapbook and signed photo of the Czar and Czarina - who were executed following the Russian Revolution of 1917 - sold at auction for £24,000. [x]


1. Fabergé, First Hen Egg or Jeweled Hen Egg, 1885

2. Fabergé, Danish Palaces Egg, 1890

3. Fabergé, Rosebud Egg, 1895

4. Fabergé, Blue Serpent Clock Egg, 1895

6. Fabergé, The Winter Egg, 1913

5. Steel Military Egg, 1916

6. The Pearl Egg, 2015

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The most expensive ever Antiques Roadshow find has been revealed as a Faberge flower gifted to an army regiment - and valued at £1m.

It was taken in for valuation on Wednesday June 21 when the BBC was filming at the Black Country Living Museum at Dudley near Birmingham.

Simon Shaw, the show’s executive producer, described it as “one of the most significant jewellery finds in 40 years” of the programme’s history with suggestions it may be worth over £1 million.

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