f*ck-off

I've been told you'd like to hear about my Grandmother...

My grandmother got married in 1962, to a young man in the military. For a wedding present, their parents bought them a house in a nice suburb. White picket fence, whole 9 yards. Not long after they moved in, the next door neighbor planted a mullberry tree on the side of his property, near my grandparent’s driveway. Nothing seemed amiss, but if you know Mullberry Trees, you know that sh*t is about to get real.

About 15 years later, the mullberry tree was OBNOXIOUS. The birds would come and eat the berries, and any car parked in the driveway would get sh*t on, and it would stain the cars and ruin paint jobs. My grandmother, upon realizing the culprit, baked a nice apple pie, walked next door, and asked the neighbor if he’d mind trimming back the branches of the tree that hung over her driveway. He told her not to worry, he’d get to it soon. Three days later, my grandmother opened her door to find a half-eaten pie in the plate, crawling with ants, and a note that said “I changed my mind.”

My grandmother threw out the pie, cursing up a storm, and swearing up and down she’d get him to trim that tree or get him back. City ordinance said she could not trim the tree, as the roots were on his property, so the whole tree was his property.

As the years went by, my grandmother repeatedly asked him, ever so nicely, to trim it back. His responses were always along the lines of “No” and “F*ck off.”
Finally, in the mid-90s, my grandmother retired, and received a large bonus from her employer for her 35 years of work. She took the money, and bought the empty lot on the other side of the neighbor, then went to a nursery and bought 16 mullberry trees, planting them along her property line, on both sides of his property. About 3 years ago, he became angry at the damage they were doing to his cars, and cut them all back without permission. My grandmother took him to court, and he was forced to reimburse her for the trees at a markup because they’d had 10 years to grow.

Drabble Challenge!

Repost this. Followers/Readers send numbers to your Ask. You write a fic/drabble using that line in your piece. Have fun! Expect a ton of requests!! 

  1. “That’s starting to get annoying”
  2. “Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.”
  3. “You can’t just sit there all day.”
  4. “I’m too sober for this.”
  5. “I’m not here to make friends.”
  6. “I need a place to stay.”
  7. “Well, that’s tragic.”
  8. “You’re seriously like a man-child.”
  9. “You can’t banish me! This is my bed too!”
  10. “The ladies love a guy who’s good with kids.”
  11. “Dear Diary, …”
  12. “She’s hiding behind the sofa.”
  13. “I lost our baby.”
  14. “They’re so cute when they’re asleep.”
  15. “I’d kill for a coffee…literally.”
  16. “You’re getting crumbs all over my bed.”
  17. “Good thing I didn’t ask for your opinion.”
  18. “What’s the matter, sweetie?”
  19. “You’re Satan.”
  20. “I don’t want to hear your excuse. You can’t just give me wet-willies.”
  21. “I’m bulletproof…but please, don’t shoot me.”
  22. “Did you just hiss at me?”
  23. “Do you really need all that candy?”
  24. “It’s six o’clock in the morning, you’re not having vodka.”
  25. “I swear, I’m not crazy!!!”
  26. “The diamond in your engagement ring is fake.”
  27. “No. Regrets.”
  28. “How drunk was I?”
  29. “How is my wife more badass than me?”
  30. “Be you. No one else can.”
  31. “I haven’t slept in ages.”
  32. “I locked the keys in the car.”
  33. “Are you sure that’s the decision you want to make?”
  34. “You work for me. You are my slave.”
  35. “Take your medicine.”
  36. “They’re monsters.”
  37. “Welcome to fatherhood.”
  38. “Why can’t you appreciate my sense of humor?”
  39. “It’s your turn to make dinner.”
  40. “The kids, they ambushed me.”
  41. “Sorry isn’t going to help when I kick your ass!!!”
  42. “Stop being so cute.”
  43. “I feel like I can’t breathe.”
  44. “You need to see a doctor.”
  45. “You’re getting a vasectomy. That’s final.”
  46. “I was a joke, baby. I swear.”
  47. “Dogs don’t wear clothes!”
  48. “I didn’t think you could get any less romantic…”
  49. “Safety first. What are you? FIVE?”
  50. “This is girl talk, so leave.”
  51. “Where am I going? Crazy. Wanna come?”
  52. “There’s a herd of them!”
  53. “Do you think I’m scared of a woman?”
  54. “They’re not your kids, back the f*ck off.”
  55. “You’re a nerd.”
  56. “I’m late.”
  57. “Just get home as soon as possible, okay?!”
  58. “You smell like a wet dog.”
  59. “I could punch you right now.”
  60. “Are you going to talk to me?”
  61. “Welcome back. Now fucking help me.”
  62. “If you can’t sleep…we could have sex?”
  63. “Flea markets don’t carry fleas, you know?”
  64. “Here, take my blanket.”
  65. “I don’t want you to stop.”
  66. “How could I ever forget about you?”
  67. “You’re bleeding all over my carpet.”
  68. “Run for it!”
  69. “We need to talk.”
  70. “Not everyone is out to get you. Stop thinking that. It’s annoying.”
  71. “I want a pet.”
  72. “Just smile, I really need to see you smile right now.”
  73. “I’m not wearing a dress.”
  74. “I’m not wearing a tie.”
  75. “Quit beating me up!”
  76. “Please put your penis away.”
  77. “It’s a Texas thing.”
  78. “Don’t argue. Just do it.”
  79. “I hope I’m never stuck with you on a deserted island.”
  80. “Does he know about the baby?”
  81. “Hold still.”
  82. “I just ironed these pants!”
  83. “Enough with the sass!”
  84. “Show me what’s behind your back.”
  85. “I’m not going to be sympathetic until you go to a doctor.”
  86. “Fine, don’t say anything and make me worry.”
  87. “Stay awake.”
  88. “STOP INTERRUPTING ME!”
  89. “You’re not interested, are you?”
  90. “I’m not buying ikea furniture again.”
  91. “Tell me you need me.”
  92. “Oh honey, I’d never be jealous of you.”
  93. “I’m telling you. I’m haunted.”
  94. “I had a bad dream again.”
  95. “Have I mentioned, I fucking hate Halloween.”
  96. “It’s Christmas, don’t be mad at me.”
  97. “You’re not going to starve yourself on Thanksgiving.”
  98. “The store ran out of Easter eggs.”
  99. “How could you forget your son’s birthday?”
  100. “You can only suffer through my whining for so long until you get up and make me a sandwich.”

Visit @prompt-bank for more prompts!!

Real talk - Hogwarts Houses

Listen up folks!
So, we all know about our Hogwarts houses and we also know that it is an unspoken rule that your Hogwarts house is kind of your own very important, very chaotic but also very lovable family.

However, I am slowly but steadily getting sick of hearing:

“Oh, you’re a Slytherin, so you are an evil piece of shit.”

Like, no. Kindly f*ck off. It’s true that once you have pissed me off, I’ll make your life miserable, but that doesn’t mean that I’m evil, at least not per se.

And this does not only go for Slytherins.
It goes for every house.

Gryffindors aren’t reckless.
Hufflepuffs aren’t vulnerable.
Ravenclaws aren’t boring.
Slytherins aren’t evil.

You wanna know how I know? Apart from the obvious evidence given in the books, let’s just take one short look at their freakin’ crests.

☆ GRYFFINDOR ☆

Their house animal is a bloody lion!
Yes, it’s true that male lions sometimes fight recklessly. BUT, a lion pride has a strict hierarchy and rules which are to be followed. The young lions are to be protected at all cost and the pride is literally living together. Whether they are hunting or grooming each other or simply lying on the sun together. They protect each other, the pride and their territory.

So, should you ever think that Gryffindors are happy go lucky idiots , than you are most likely fucking wrong. Thank you very much.


☆ HUFFLEPUFF ☆

Oh boy, don’t even get me started… You think a badger is cute and harmless? Well, yes they are, but still. Have you ever heard of the honey-badger? Probably the most badass living mammal I have ever heard of. That animal eats snakes! Freakin’ snakes!!
It digs out the honey out off a bee hive and gets stung ten to twenty times and simply does not give a shit.

If you still think Hufflepuffs are vulnerable you better get ready to get your ass kicked.

☆ RAVENCLAW ☆

Alright, so, Ravenclaws always read and have a stick up their arse? Well, think again!
Their animal is a motherfudging eagle. That creature is so epic even Americas bald eagle loses its feathers. Have you seen its claws? Because I have and they certainly aren’t just for decoration.

They might have their head in the clouds but from up there they can see all your flaws so shut the fuck up about Ravenclaws being boring.


☆ SLYTHERIN ☆

Yes, you say the snake is an evil demon? Well , you thought wrong, asshat! It’s true that the snake is a sign of the wicked, but it is also known for its wisdom and healing. Snake poison is indeed used for certain antidotes hence the use of the snake as the sign of medicine.
Furthermore , in mythology it is the symbol of eternity and primal energy (Uroborus.)

So yeah, you wanna say that I’m a piece of shit? Okay, maybe so. But that has nothing to do with my Hogwarts house. So leave it.

Basically, This is Basically What Every Dr. Phil Episode is Basically Like Basically
  • Dr. Phil: Hello, I am Doctor Philip, and today we'll be tackling an issue that is very widespread, but rarely spoken about. Gaming addiction. Now, I know many of you know at least one person in your life who plays video games, whether that be a child or, in some cases, a spouse.
  • Audience: *laughs*
  • Dr. Phil: But, when unregulated, gaming can lead to serious addiction. Today I have with me a mother who's home life has been torn apart as her very own son descended into gaming addiction.
  • Mother: *sniffing and wiping tears away* Hello, doctor. Will you cure my son?
  • Dr. Phil: Well, dear, that's... uhh. Let's just bring the boy out already.
  • *dramatic music plays*
  • Gamer: My name is Gregg, I'm 19 years old, I'm a gaming addict, and I don't give a f*ck.
  • Audience: *gasps*
  • Gamer: Yeah, I game for 19 to 20 hours a day and the other four hours I use for looking up sick gaming strats or beating it to anime porn. I once sucked off a dude because he offered me minecraft diamonds. I don't give a sh*t, I would've sucked him off even if he didn't have the diamonds.
  • Audience: *gasps louder*
  • Gamer: Do I hate women? Yes, I hate women. I've emailed Anita Sarkeesian my address. She knows where I am if she wants to fight me. Feminists, square the fuck up. People always ask why I don't do anything other than gaming. I ask them why don't they mind their own f*cking business. I don't think I have a problem. Dr. Phil can honestly eat my whole an*s.
  • Gamer: *walks out onto the stage*
  • Audience: *boos*
  • Gamer: F*ck all y'all! I don't give a f*ck! *flips off the audience*
  • Dr. Phil: Please take a seat, son.
  • Gamer: *sits very disrespectfully*
  • Mother: *starts bawling*
  • Dr. Phil: Son, do you think that was acceptable behavior?
  • Gamer: The only behavior I care about is the behavioral patterns for enemies in the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. series. I love video games: Master chief, Mario, uhm, Blinx the Cat... Blasto. Love those guys!
  • Audience: *boos*
  • Gamer: I don't care! You think I care! F*ck all y'all!
  • Dr. Phil: All these people are booing you, doesn't that make you feel bad?
  • Gamer: Are you deaf? Have I not articulated the fact that I absolutely 100% do not care about anything except for video games? I. DON'T. GIVE. A. F*CK.
  • Mother: He's always like this, there's no changing him. It didn't used to be this way... just *starts bawling harder*
  • Dr. Phil: I think there is a way to change him, and we'll find out more about that after these messages.
  • *Dr. Phil theme plays*
  • *The lights dim and every goes empty eyed and slack-jawed*
  • Gamer: Heh, this is weird. *nudges mom and whispers to her* Hey, we're getting paid for this, right. Hey, mom? ...Mom?
  • Mother: *completely unresponsive*
  • Dr. Phil: *completely unresponsive*
  • Audience: *completely unresponsive*
  • Gamer: Heh... this is REALLY weird. *looks around nervously*
  • Audience member: Hey!
  • Gamer: Huh?
  • Audience Member: I'm in the audience! Over here! My arms are strapped to the chair! You have to help me!
  • Gamer: *runs to the audience member*
  • Audience Member: Thank god, I thought I was the only one here left with any brains.
  • Gamer: *hastily undoing the straps* What the fuck is going on?
  • Audience Member: I don't know, but this definitely isn't Dr. Phil's show.
  • Gamer: Then what is it?
  • Audience Member: No clue, but we have to get out of here before the commercial breaks ends.
  • Gamer: *successfully undoes the straps*
  • Audience Member: C'mon! Let's go. *grabs the gamer by the arm*
  • Gamer: *resists* Wait a fucking minute. Why am I supposed to trust you?
  • Audience Member: Because I'm normal and everyone else is braindead if you haven't noticed.
  • Gamer: Yeah, but I'm not going anywhere until I know what's going on. Being on Dr. Phil is a huge opportunity for me to, y'know, advertise my brand. I'm a gamer if you haven't noticed.
  • Audience Member: Are you insane? Have you had a look around you? Does this anything happening right now seem normal to you? Who cares about your "brand". Do you even remember how you got here?
  • Gamer: Well... now that you mention, I can't really remember exactly.
  • Audience Member: Yeah, now let's get the fuck out of here.
  • *the gamer and audience member run through the back exit into the hallways*
  • *the Dr. Phil theme blares as the show returns from commercial break*
  • Gamer: My ears!
  • Audience Member: Move it! *jerks gamer's arm*
  • Gamer: Okay, calm down.
  • *the entire audience screams in unison*
  • Gamer: What the fuck is that!?
  • Audience Member: It's the reason we're running! Quick, in here!
  • *the duo duck into a cramped broom closest*
  • Gamer: Listen, you have to tell me what the fuck is going on right now!
  • Audience Member: Shh.
  • Gamer: Don't shush me!
  • Audience Member: *covers the gamer's mouth*
  • *agonized screaming and violently rumbling passes by the broom closest*
  • Gamer: Holy shit!
  • Audience Member: Stop yelling.
  • Gamer: How can I not yell when it sounds the gates of hell just passed by us!
  • Audience Member: You want it to turn back around and find us?
  • Gamer: Alright. I'll calm down... I'll. *start sobbing*
  • Audience Member: Please, please stop crying. You're too loud.
  • Gamer: I can't! I'm under a lot of stress!
  • Audience Member: You'll be dead if you don't shut the fuck.
  • Gamer: I never wanted any of this, I just wanted to go on Dr. Phil so people would recognize me on YouTube and I could become a popular Let's Player!
  • Audience Member: If you don't shut up right now, I'll-
  • *a snake bites the audience member's neck*
  • Audience Member: *eyes roll up*
  • Gamer: *screams like a baby*
  • *snakes slither under the closet door*
  • Gamer: *stumbles out of the closet and falls into hallway covered with snakes* Fuck me! Fuck me!
  • Gamer: *attempts to run away but falls beneath the snakes and into and empty void*
  • *agonized screaming echoes from all around*
  • Gamer: Am I in hell? I have to be in hell. You don't fall through a pool of snakes and wind up anywhere else but hell.
  • Dr. Phil: THERE IS NO HELL.
  • Gamer: Doc, is that you? If this isn't hell then where am I?
  • Dr. Phil: YOU'RE IN MY REALM SON. *Dr. Phil's face appears glowing in the distance, his eyes are empty sockets and his mouth hangs open*
  • Gamer: What the fuck are you?
  • Dr. Phil: I'M DOCTOR PHILIP.
  • Gamer: You're not Dr. Phil!
  • Dr. Phil: I NEVER SAID I WAS, SON. *a wall of gray human bodies lights up surrounding Dr. Phil's massive head, dr. phil's giant snake body slithers towards the gamer and opens its third eye* I'M DOCTOR PHILIP.
  • *the wall of bodies screams in unison as Dr. Phil devours the gamer*
  • *Dr. Phil theme plays loudly*
  • Dr. Phil: THE NEXT EPISODE IS STARTING. I'M LATE. *slithers into the wall of bodies and his snake body slowly transforms into a normal Dr. Phil's body*
  • Dr. Phil: *crawls onto the stage*
  • Dr. Phil: *dusts himself off* Woo, I went on quite an adventure.
  • Audience: *laughs*
  • Dr. Phil: I'm glad we can all find some time in our lives to laugh, but today's episode is covering something that is most certainly not a laughing matter. It's one of the most serious addictions striking America today and it's rarely talked about. I'm talking about people who love to pee on their mattresses and then pay people exorbitant amounts of money to suck their disgusting mattresses clean.
  • Audience: ... *someone clears their throat*
  • Dr. Phil: What's the matter?
  • Cameraguy: Spsss, Doc. That's not what the episode is about. It's about people with terrible gambling issues.
  • Dr. Phil: Oh, ah, fuck! Cut to commercial!
I can already imagine the hero interactions once Doomfist arrives:

Winston: “Try something funny and I’ll put you back in jail.
Doomfist: “I’d like to see you try, monkey.


Doomfist: “So they let you back into action, uh?
Genji: “Keep pushing and I’ll take you out of it.


Doomfist: “I hope this time you won’t-”
Tracer: “F*CK OFF, YOU F*CKIN’ F*UCK!! BLOODY F*UCKIN’ F*CK YOU TO F*CK!! F****************CK YOU TO F*CK’RY!”

Hospital Jargon (as explained by an American floor nurse)

Writing something that takes place in a hosptial? Consider this list of phrases to add a sense of realism:

HOSPITAL LIFE:

Report/ in report: When one nurse hands their patients off to another

PACU can f*ck right off until 1930, we’re in report.

Sign-Out: When one doctor/resident hands their patients off to another

*returning page* “Are they dying? I’ve barely gotten sign-out here

EPIC- Electronic charting system. Literally any electronic charting system. Does not have to be Hyperspace/supplied by the EPIC corporation to be called this.

Hey, could you put those vitals in EPIC for me since you’re already logged in?

Bed 45/46-2/47-1/48/etc…: how we refer to patients, by their bedspace number, denoted “room-bed”.

Hey Nikki, do you remember what 45-2′s blood sugar was?

Assignment: The patients any one particular medical professional has responsibility for- be they a nurse, doctor, aide, respiratory therapist, physical therapist, etc…

My assignment is rooms 43-45, how about you?

The Board: Where the status of the patients on your floor get listed, including who is to be discharged, who has certain needs, and the day’s expected admissions. Used to be a physical white board, but now is electronic. Usually used to talk about how many patients a floor is about to admit.

“Jeeze, did you see they just put four new patients on our board? We’ve already got 16- call the nursing supervisor.”

Flexed up: Taking more patients than you’re staffed for on a floor

Well, we’re staffed for 15, but they ‘found’ three more bedspaces so they’re flexing us up tonight.

Code/Call a code/They’re coding: A Code Blue. When a patient’s heart stops on The Floor and everyone shows up to practice CPR and transfer them to The Unit.

They’re coding, get a crash cart to 75-2 and call a code blue

Rapid/Call a rapid/Rapid response team: Almost a code, but their heart is still beating. For hospitals who have a separate “Rapid Response” nursing team. Two Crit Care nurses show up and handle things. Also who you call if you and everyone else on your floor can’t get an IV.

They have an INR of 9.5 and the doc doesn’t want to do anything- I’m gonna call a rapid.

Float/they’re floating you: When you don’t have enough patients on your floor so the nursing supervisor sends you to a different, unfamiliar one.

They’re making me float to 9C. Again. Can you believe that??

Full: Can’t take any more patients, either due to physical space or nursing staff.

Tell the nursing supervisor to stop putting patients on our board- we’re full

Clinic: Outpatient. Where you want your patients to be.

Tell them we’ll see them in Clinic in three days. They have no medical need to be here anymore and they know it.

KINDS OF PATIENTS:

Contacts/isolations: Any patients who’s rooms you have to don a gown, gloves, mask, and/or respirator to enter.

Are you sh*tting me? I have five patients today and four of them are isolations.

Frequent flyer- Someone who, for medical or social reasons, just can’t seem to stay out of the hospital

Did you hear Darlene is back?” “Yeah, we’re officially engraving her name on the Frequent Flyer wall of fame

Crump/Crumpy/Crumper: Colloquial term for patients who are medically unstable/at a lower level of care than they need/will be transferred to The Unit when a bed becomes available or when the inevitably code, whichever comes first.

73′s a crumper if I’ve ever seen one. Rapid’s in there working her now.

‘Seeker: Someone in the hospital with their own agenda, but who largely has no medical need to be there and will threaten to sign out AMA (even though they’ve been discharged four times and keep refusing to go) if they don’t get what they want- be it drugs, social interaction, or over-the-top waitressing. Will probably threaten to give a horrible review of the hospital on their social media platform of choice and mention you by name if they don’t get what they want.

49′s a total seeker. When she’s not begging for pain meds, you’re getting her crackers, juice, tea, hot packs, cold packs, everything you could think of. I didn’t sit down all night and my other patients slept pretty much the whole night. Give her some percocet and get her the hell out of here before I have to deal with her again tonight.

Heavy: A patient that takes up a disproportionate amount of your time, but usually for a legitimate reason.

Dr. P’s patients are really heavy. Something’s always going on with them and they have tubes coming out of everywhere that need care of some kind every hour… I had two of his patients today and I’m so tired… could we break up the assignment for the next shift please?

HOSPITAL PLACES:

The Floor: Medical and Surgical floors, sometimes specialty floors- basically anywhere that’s not the ED, Psych, or The Unit. These have higher staffing ratios (more patients per nurse) and lower patient acuity than The Unit

They didn’t really need a bed on the Unit so they were transferred to the Floor

The Unit: The Intensive Care Unit. Where crumpy patients go, comes in the following flavors (though smaller hospitals may have just one): MICU (medical), SICU (surgical), PICU (pediatric), TICU (trauma), NICU (neonatal), NICU (neurological), BICU (burn), and Stepdown (in the days after an ICU discharge).

They weren’t doing so hot, so we called a rapid and had them sent to The Unit.

The ED: The Emergency Department. Oh dear lord it is not called the ER.

They’re sending up that new admit from the ED in like 5 mins, do you have the room ready?

PACU: Post Anesthesia Care Unit, where people are stabilized after surgery.

PACU’s calling again, they’re backing up and need to give report.” 

THE NURSING HIERARCHY:

Director of Nursing: One Nurse to rule them all. Directs all facets of nursing, from training to hiring to staffing to quality improvement.

Nursing Supervisor: One nurse to rule them all… on a given shift. The nursing supervisor assigns patients to nursing units and makes sure everywhere is staffed accordingly.

Nurse Manager: In charge of the general staffing and personnel management of a particular floor, including scheduling, patient satisfaction, staff development, and service recovery.

Charge Nurse/Charge: The “shift manager” of nursing. Has final say on a lot of things you don’t want to be the bad guy on, as well as creating assignments/checking the crash cart, and submitting service requests when the nurse manager isn’t there. Also has a patient assignment.

Staff nurse: The nurses who do assessments, pass meds, start IVs, carry out orders, give updates to doc’s, chart, manage a patient’s day, make sure they get to tests/procedures on time with the right paperwork, and are overall responsible for managing patient care and providing first-line response to issues that arise throughout the shift.

Nurse Aide/Nurse Tech: Provides the majority of basic patient care. Counts intake and output, gets blood sugars and vital signs, sets up rooms for new admits, cleans and clothes patients, gets blood and urine samples, transports patients if necessary. Staff nurses are responsible for this when aides/techs are not available.

Would someone please add the Medical Hierarchy if you know it? I don’t feel I know it well enough to do it justice. Thanks!

Prompt List

Okay so this is not my drabble list but i found it on tumblr so all credit goes out to the person who made this. send me in any numbers and who you would like it to be about (example peter parker, castiel, bucky barnes, etc…)

leave the number and person/character in my ask and I’d be happy to write it!!

1. “That’s starting to get annoying”
2. “Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.”
3. ‘You can’t just sit there all day.”
4. “I’m too sober for this.”
5. “I’m not here to make friends.”
6. “I need a place to stay.”
7. “Well, that’s tragic.”
8. “You’re seriously like a man-child.”
9. “You can’t banish me! This is my bed too!”
10. “The ladies love a guy who’s good with kids.”
11. Dear Diary, …”
12. She’s hiding behind the sofa.”
13. “I lost our baby.”
14. “They’re so cute when they’re asleep.”
15. “I’d kill for a coffee…literally.”
16. “You’re getting crumbs all over my bed.”
17. “Good thing I didn’t ask for your opinion.”
“18. What’s the matter, sweetie?”
19. “You’re Satan.”
20. “I don’t want to hear your excuse. You can’t just give me wet-willies.”
21. “I’m bulletproof…but please, don’t shoot me.”
22. “Did you just hiss at me?”
23. “Do you really need all that candy?”
24. “It’s six o’clock in the morning, you’re not having vodka.”
25. “I swear, I’m not crazy!!!”
26. “The diamond in your engagement ring is fake.”
27. “No. Regrets.”
28. “How drunk was I?”
29. “How is my wife more badass than me?”
30. “Be you. No one else can.”
31. “I haven’t slept in ages.”
32. “I locked the keys in the car.”
33. “Are you sure that’s the decision you want to make?”
34. “You work for me. You are my slave.”
35. “Take your medicine.”
36. “They’re monsters.”
37. “Welcome to fatherhood.”
38. “Why can’t you appreciate my sense of humor?”
39. “It’s your turn to make dinner.”
40. “The kids, they ambushed me.”
41. “Sorry isn’t going to help when I kick your ass!!!”
42. “Stop being so cute.”
43. “I feel like I can’t breathe.”
44. “You need to see a doctor.”
45. “You’re getting a vasectomy. That’s final.”
46. “I was a joke, baby. I swear.”
47. “Dogs don’t wear clothes!”
48. “I didn’t think you could get any less romantic…”
49. “Safety first. What are you? FIVE?”
50. “This is girl talk, so leave.”
51. “Where am I going? Crazy. Wanna come?”
52. “There’s a herd of them!”
53. “Do you think I’m scared of a woman?”
54. “They’re not your kids, back the f*ck off.”
55. “You’re a nerd.”
56. “I’m late.”
57. “Just get home as soon as possible, okay?!”
58. “You smell like a wet dog.”
59. “I could punch you right now.”
60. “Are you going to talk to me?”
61. “Welcome back. Now fucking help me.”
62. “If you can’t sleep…we could have sex?”
63. “Flea markets don’t carry fleas, you know?”
64. “Here, take my blanket.”
65. “I don’t want you to stop.”
66. “How could I ever forget about you?”
67. “You’re bleeding all over my carpet.”
68. “Run for it!”
69. “We need to talk.”
70. “Not everyone is out to get you. Stop thinking that. It’s annoying.”
71. “I want a pet.”
72. “Just smile, I really need to see you smile right now.”
73. “I’m not wearing a dress.”
74. “I’m not wearing a tie.”
75. “Quit beating me up!”
76. “Please put your penis away.”
77. “It’s a Texas thing.”
78. “Don’t argue. Just do it.”
79. “I hope I’m never stuck with you on a deserted island.”
80. “Does he know about the baby?”
81. “Hold still.”
82. “I just ironed these pants!”
83. “Enough with the sass!”
84. “Show me what’s behind your back.”
85. “I’m not going to be sympathetic until you go to a doctor.”
86. “Fine, don’t say anything and make me worry.”
87. “Stay awake.”
88. “STOP INTERRUPTING ME!”
89. “You’re not interested, are you?”
90. “I’m not buying ikea furniture again.”
91. “Tell me you need me.”
92. “Oh honey, I’d never be jealous of you.”
93. “I’m telling you. I’m haunted.”
94. “I had a bad dream again.”
95. “Have I mentioned, I fucking hate Halloween.”
96. “It’s Christmas, don’t be mad at me.”
97. “You’re not going to starve yourself on Thanksgiving.”
98. “The store ran out of Easter eggs.”
99. “How could you forget your son’s birthday?”
100. “You can only suffer through my whining for so long until you get up and make me a sandwich.”

The Zodiac Signs responding to getting fired

Aries: Oh F**ck OFF

Taurus: F**k this place anyway!

Gemini: Hmmph! 

Cancer:  ME??? REALLY??? **Cries**

Leo: Storms out in rage

Virgo: You must be outta your mind.  This is YOUR loss.

Libra:  Oh really? Chad is this a joke?

Scorpio: OK. I’ll leave.  **destroys everything in path**

Sagittarius: Whatever… meh

Capricorn:  I’ll have another job soon.  I don’t care.  **devasted**

Aquarius:  Doesnt react.  Goes to sleep for 6 weeks

Pisces:  I HATE EVERYONE. GIMME MY SEVERENCE. *cries*

Crazy lady lit my buddy's land on fire, so he burned down her world.

Buckle up, this one’s long.

I was visiting a friend who owns and operates a trailer park- basically his house is the main office. A couple had just moved in to a lot with their mobile home. The dude seemed fine, and him and his girlfriend had just had their first kid. Well, at 3 AM just a few hours after I arrived, the boyfriend showed up at my friend’s house (the main office). Apparently, he had a DNA test done, and he found out the kid wasn’t his. So while the girlfriend was still in the hospital he started f*cking around on her to get back at her.

Well, earlier that day, she got released from the hospital, and he refused to go pick her up. So she walked from the hospital to the trailer park (easily 20 miles), and found him f*cking this girl. She went apeshit. She started trashing their tiny mobile home while he and his mistress quickly got their clothes on, and the boyfriend opted to drive the mistress back to her place.

When he got back, his soon to be ex-girlfriend locked him out of their mobile home. So, at 3 AM he showed up at the front office to call the police. My buddy woke me up, filled me in on the situation, and I went out to his living room to keep the dude company. I explained that if the kid isn’t his and he signed the birth certificate, he has 60 days to remove himself from the birth certificate- otherwise he’ll be on the hook for child support. I also explained that while calling the cops is a good idea, they likely won’t be able to remove her from the mobile home since she had established residency.

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Rotten Judgement - part 4

AU!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Hercules!AU After selling your soul to save your lover’s life, you become one of the Lord of the Underworld’s slave. Bucky is obsessed with one thing: collecting hearts. But why?

Word Count:1,877

Warnings: -

A/N: I died three times while writing this. I dedicate this one to the sun, kindly f*ck off. I hope you like this one, some fun stuff coming soon :)

Rotten Judgement - Masterpage

You and Steve walked hand in hand down the street, enjoying the cool breeze. You knew you had angered Bucky, but you didn’t care. You would deal with him and his silly pride later. Right now, you wanted to enjoy your time with Steve. He was charming and, quite literally, perfect.

“I’ve got a friend who wants to meet you,” Steve said.

“You told your friends about me?” A slight blush crept up his cheeks, making you chuckle. “Relax, Cap. I’d love to meet your friends.”

He gave you the most beautiful smile you’d ever seen. It made your stomach do a pleasant flip. You felt your face heat and bashfully lowered your eyes.

It’s too cliché, you thought. Get a grip, girl!

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Double Power.

> Get a duckling from my cousin.
> No idea why but holy sh*t, those things are cute.
> Play with it like it’s a dog.
> Runs free in our garden. Would get over the fence every once in a time but always returned.
> Actually grows up into a giant killing machine.
> Leaves me and family alone, but attacks strangers when getting to close.
> One day, neighbour kids make a bet. Saw it all from my window.
> Don’t know everything but they dared one of the kids to kick my duck.
> Kid jumps over the fence, kicks my duck from behind.
> Duck turns around and attacks him. Ripping his clothes etc.
> Enjoying the view from inside my house.
> Anyways, an hour later parents of the kids infront of our door.
> They want the duck away because ‘it is a danger for the children’
> Tell them to f*ck off.
> They call the cops, animal protection etc but they didn’t do anything because we did nothing wrong.
> 2 days later they bring a new duckling. Trying to make me get rid of the old one and take the new one as a pet.
> “Accept” the duckling.
> Didnt get rid of the other one.
> Now I have 2 killing machines in my garden.

Petty Revenge: Your daily dose of the best petty revenge stories.

Jealous Part 1

Liam x Reader, Theo x Reader

Requested: No

Summary: In which Liam Dunbar and Y/n McCall hate each other so much, that they fall in love with one another, well, with the help of Theo Raeken.

Warning: Swearing, love triangles, death

Notes: This story will be in plenty of parts, like about maximum 20 parts ish


“Why do you have to be such a b*tch sometimes?”

“Me? You know what? We’re over. I don’t need someone like you to be in my life.” He said before walking out. He was your very first boyfriend. A few tears slid down your face but you quickly wiped them away before walking back into the hallway. You ignored the stares everyone gave you and continued walking towards the exit. Until Liam stepped in front of you.

“Oh look, it’s you. What’s wrong? Did someone make you cry?”

“F*ck off Dunbar.”

“I’m guessing you’ll be running back to your boyfriend like the crybaby you are.” A tear slid down your cheek. You ignored his insult and ran out of the school. Liam didn’t stop you for once.

Liam watched you as you ran out of school. His heart felt weird watching you cry. His brain felt weird because you didn’t insult him back. Ever since the two of you met, you’ve been insulting and teasing each other. You couldn’t exactly call it hate, it was more like being frenemies. Unfortunately, Scott hated the fact that his beta and his sister dislike each other, so he constantly puts them together when there were any pack activities.

You ran out of the school, into the woods. You hear a rustle from behind you and you turn around to check. A coyote jumps out and transform into a human male. 

“What the hell? Theo, what do you want?” Theo chuckles.

“I’m not gonna kill you. Gosh, has Stiles gotten in your head?”

“Um well you seem like the guy who would come out of no where, kidnap me and then do things to me.” Theo chuckles again.

“No I’m not, stop assuming things Y/n. I’m only back at Beacon Hills because I want to be apart of the pack. What are you doing here?” He says. 

“Walking.”

“Aren’t you suppose to be in school?”

“Aren’t you?’

“Gosh, just tell me what’s wrong. It isn’t like you to be walking around alone like that. Aren’t you afraid Scott’s gonna be mad at you? There’s something wrong. I can smell it. You’re sad.”

“Theo thinks he knows me so well. Why should I trust you?”

“Because we were best friends before I left. You grew up gorgeous and I want a friend.” You laugh.

“Haha, you have no friends.” Theo glares at you. “Okay fine. Me and my very first boyfriend broke up.” Theo’s face softens.

“Are you okay?” You faintly smile and nod. Unfortunately, Theo can tell that you were lying because he could smell all the sadness coming from you. And he does something he never really does to anyone.

He hugs you.


After that hug, he walked with you around the woods a little more, talking about when you were younger. The two of you reached his truck. Theo offered to drive you home and you accepted it. When you made it home, you were greeted by an angry Scott.

“Where have you been? Liam said you skipped school!” You glance at Liam. He was smirking.

“God, Scotty, do you think I skipped school to party? My boyfriend just broke up with me so I needed some time alone.” Scott’s face softened a bit. From the corner of your eye, you see Liam frown for a slight second before smirking again.

“That son of a b*tch better run away because he messed with the wrong person.” Scott says, eyes glowing red.

“Relax bro. I’m better now, Theo cheered me up.” Scott, Liam and Stiles’ faces dropped. It was silent for a few minutes before someone spoke up.

“THEO RAEKEN WAS NICE TO YOU!!!??? HAHA THATS A FIRST. WHAT IS HE PLANNING?” Stiles yells.

“Ow, Stiles, you don’t have to-”

“You all know I can hear you, right?” Theo asks from behind me. 

“Did we ask you to talk?” Stiles shoots him a glare. Theo shrugs. 

“Since I don’t feel welcomed here, I’m going to go. Night princess, see you tomorrow.” Theo kissed you on the cheek before leaving. You wave goodbye to him. When you look back, Stiles’ jaw has dropped.

“Stiles, sweetie, close your mouth, you don’t wanna eat flies.” You say smirking. He closes his mouth 

“Hey don’t insult and tease me, go do that to Liam.” You all look at Liam, who has his jaw clenched. Scott’s face scrunches up.

“Holy sh*t, Liam. Why do you smell full of jealousy?” 

“W-what no. I’m not. It’s not jealousy. I have n-no idea what you’re talking about.” Liam says before storming off, bumping into you forcefully. 

“Ow.” You mumble out. Scott then kicks Stiles out and the two of us head to do what we need to do before heading to sleep.


“So princess, what are you doing in this hallway at this time?” Theo asks, strolling towards you.

“Oh hey T. I was just studying, I finished everything in class so I asked the teacher if I could study outside for my next class.” Theo sits next to you.

“Wait what are you doing here? Skipping class as usual?” he chuckles.

“Y/n, you gotta stop thinking of me as a bad kid. I asked to go to the washroom.”

“Then what are you doing here? Isn’t your class like on the other side of school?”

“Shhh.” Theo puts his finger on your lips. You smile before turning back to your work.

“What class do you have next that requires so much gibberish?” You look up from your notes and frown.

“This is chemistry.” 

“Who do you have it with?”

“Liam.”

“Just him?” You nod and take out your water bottle.

“Wow, you have chemistry with Liam.” You nearly choke. 

“W-what?” He laughs at your reaction.

“Babe, i’m only talking about the class.” He shifts his gaze to down the hall. 

“Speaking of chemistry, there’s your friend.” He points the thing he was looking at. You turn to see Liam.

“Liam, what are you doing here? Are you skipping class?”

“I finished the history work so I went out to see if you wanted to study together.”

“Yea sure.” You say.

“Wait you guys have history AND chemistry together? Damn, must have a complicated relationship.” You punch him lightly on the shoulder.

“Shut up.” Your turn your attention back to Liam. 

“Baby, can I hug you?” Theo whispers. Before you could answer, strong arms wrapped around your waist. 

A strong stench of jealousy was smelled by Theo. He knew someone was jealous. And that someone was Liam Dunbar. Boy, did Theo have a game to play.

Liam growls at your position, eyes turning amber. You take a quick look at him and widen your eyes at the sight of amber eyes. You push Theo off you.

“Liam.” You say. You get up grabbing his wrist and headed towards the exit.

“You gotta control yourself, Li. You can’t let people see that you’re a werewolf.” Liam looked up with his amber eyes at you and the amber color faded. 

“Come on Li, control yourself. You won’t have me to stop you everyday.” You say, smirking. Liam slightly blushed at the nickname you called him. 

“Well, I don’t need you to stop me anymore.” He counters.

“Fine whatever, let’s get back to school Li.” You grab his wrist again, dragging him inside school, to the same spot you were at a few moments ago.

“Why are you calling me that?” Liam asks as you pulled him. You abruptly stop to think about his question causing him to hit your back, making you tumble.

“Oh shit.” Liam mumbles, grabbing your arm and pulling you towards him to keep you from tumbling on the ground. You fall into his chest, breathing in his cologne. You blush a deep red.

“Thanks.” You mumble out.

“Are you gonna answer?” You open your mouth to say something but the bell rings and people were pouring out into the hallway. Theo appears out of nowhere, holding both of your stuff.

“Here guys. Go have fun in chemistry.” Theo smirks and pushes you into the crowd. It seemed as if there were more people that before and you grabbed hold of Liam’s hand, afraid of getting run over by people. He looks at your intertwined hands for a second before continuing. Suddenly the crowd makes a way for the two of you. Liam tries to let go, but you hold on tightly. The people around you stared at your intertwined hands and mumbled things like ‘since when were they together’, ‘I thought they hated each other’ and ‘she’s way out of his league.’  You tighten your hold on Liam and he tenses up, sensing something wrong.

“Just in case you don’t know this, but she’s Scott McCall’s sister, so you mess with her, you mess with him.” Liam shouts to the people. Knowing that, everyone looks away. They knew who Scott was.

The two of you make it to class to realize that everybody is standing up. 

“Mason, what’s going on?’ Liam whispers to Mason, unaware that he was still holding your hand.

“New seating plan.” He whispers back. The teacher walks in.

“Okay class, before we do the test, we will be having a new seating plan. Your names are on your desk so once you find your name, you will be sitting there for a while. The person sitting beside you will be you new science partner. Your test is already on the desk but I will give you five minutes for you to introduce yourself to your new partner.” The teacher gestures everyone to move. Liam finally lets go of your hand. Your hand suddenly feels cold without his but you shake it off. You head off to find your seat and became disappointed when you found your seat and it wasn’t Liam sitting next to it. 

Scott had convinced your mom to get Liam and you to work together in everything, even though you insulted and teased each other. You guys were very different but when it came to group projects, you two worked very well together. (a/n #why by Sabrina carpenter) However, it didn’t seem like that to the chemistry teacher.

Sadly, you sat down as Corey sat beside you.

“Hey y/n. I guess I’m your partner.” He smiles. You smile back. He looks down to his desk.

“You wanted to be with Mason, didn’t you?” You whispered. He looked at you 

“Yeah, did you want to be with Liam?” He asks, while looking at Mason. You take a look at where Liam is sitting.

Beside Hayden Romero. Great.

“I guess.” You shrug before turning your attention on the test.

After you finished the test, you still had 30 minutes of class. You literally had nothing to do. Both Liam and Hayden were finished as well and they were whispering. Hayden puts her hand on his thigh and you tense at the sight. Liam looks at you and smirks. You quickly look away before he does something else to anger you. But you can’t help but feel jealous.

Meanwhile, Liam was feeling sad about not being able to sit with you, but talking to Hayden made him feel a bit better, even though she made fun of him. Hayden’s hand was on his thigh for some reason unknown. The sudden smell of jealousy filled the room and Liam looked for the source. You. And he smirks.


School days kept repeating the same way over and over again. You continued to tease Liam, vise versa, While Theo continued to flirt with you to make someone jealous. Through all that repetition, you three still have not realized your feelings for each other.

Theo was slowly falling in love with you

You were slowly falling in love with Liam

Liam was slowly falling in love with you.

Nobody knew Theo worked for the Dread Doctors and how he was setting everything up to kill Scott. Part of his plan did not include falling in love with you again. So he kept it a secret. But the Dread Doctors knew. And they did something to you.

“Y/n McCall.” One of the doctors say as they walked to where you were tied up. You were kidnapped by them when you took a walk around the block. You groan as you awaken. A device is attached to your arm with a thick tube running into your skin.

“Y/n McCall, terminated.” They say repeatedly. You were too tired to scream and shout. Moments later, one of the doctors walked towards you, holding a needle. Just as they were about to inject you, Theo walks in and widens his eyes at the sight.

“What are you doing??” He runs to try to save you but is easily pushed back. The Dread Doctors injected the needle into your neck.

“Y/N!”

That was the last thing you heard before your heart stopped beating


When your heart stopped beating, the doctors untied you and you fell to the floor. Theo ran up to you and held you in his arms.

“What did you do to her?!??” He screams at them. Tears fall down his face.

“She was a distraction.” They say before walking away. 

Holding you in his arms, Theo realizes his feelings. He has fallen in love with you. And he didn’t have the chance to say it. He loves you.

”God, Y/n, I f*cking love you.” Theo mumbles out at your dead body and kisses you on the forehead one last time before getting ready for tomorrow, the big day.

You were dead, but nobody knows about it

Originally posted by teenwolf--imagines

Originally posted by teenwolf--imagines

And my bartender Santa gave me an extra dose of Christmas cheer.

(warning: long story)

I’m a regular at a bar. I don’t have family, my room mate was out of town. So I went to the bar.

I was having a good night. Then this mother f*cker showed up.

Now this mother f*cker and I don’t have a lot of history in my mind. I was dating a girl three years ago. She cheated on me. I broke up with her. The whole relationship lasted all of a month. In my mind, that was the end of it. Shit happens, move on.

The person she cheated on me with, was this mother f*cker.

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