f*ck-off

I've been told you'd like to hear about my Grandmother...

My grandmother got married in 1962, to a young man in the military. For a wedding present, their parents bought them a house in a nice suburb. White picket fence, whole 9 yards. Not long after they moved in, the next door neighbor planted a mullberry tree on the side of his property, near my grandparent’s driveway. Nothing seemed amiss, but if you know Mullberry Trees, you know that sh*t is about to get real.

About 15 years later, the mullberry tree was OBNOXIOUS. The birds would come and eat the berries, and any car parked in the driveway would get sh*t on, and it would stain the cars and ruin paint jobs. My grandmother, upon realizing the culprit, baked a nice apple pie, walked next door, and asked the neighbor if he’d mind trimming back the branches of the tree that hung over her driveway. He told her not to worry, he’d get to it soon. Three days later, my grandmother opened her door to find a half-eaten pie in the plate, crawling with ants, and a note that said “I changed my mind.”

My grandmother threw out the pie, cursing up a storm, and swearing up and down she’d get him to trim that tree or get him back. City ordinance said she could not trim the tree, as the roots were on his property, so the whole tree was his property.

As the years went by, my grandmother repeatedly asked him, ever so nicely, to trim it back. His responses were always along the lines of “No” and “F*ck off.”
Finally, in the mid-90s, my grandmother retired, and received a large bonus from her employer for her 35 years of work. She took the money, and bought the empty lot on the other side of the neighbor, then went to a nursery and bought 16 mullberry trees, planting them along her property line, on both sides of his property. About 3 years ago, he became angry at the damage they were doing to his cars, and cut them all back without permission. My grandmother took him to court, and he was forced to reimburse her for the trees at a markup because they’d had 10 years to grow.

Drabble Challenge!

Repost this. Followers/Readers send numbers to your Ask. You write a fic/drabble using that line in your piece. Have fun! Expect a ton of requests!! 

  1. “That’s starting to get annoying”
  2. “Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.”
  3. “You can’t just sit there all day.”
  4. “I’m too sober for this.”
  5. “I’m not here to make friends.”
  6. “I need a place to stay.”
  7. “Well, that’s tragic.”
  8. “You’re seriously like a man-child.”
  9. “You can’t banish me! This is my bed too!”
  10. “The ladies love a guy who’s good with kids.”
  11. “Dear Diary, …”
  12. “She’s hiding behind the sofa.”
  13. “I lost our baby.”
  14. “They’re so cute when they’re asleep.”
  15. “I’d kill for a coffee…literally.”
  16. “You’re getting crumbs all over my bed.”
  17. “Good thing I didn’t ask for your opinion.”
  18. “What’s the matter, sweetie?”
  19. “You’re Satan.”
  20. “I don’t want to hear your excuse. You can’t just give me wet-willies.”
  21. “I’m bulletproof…but please, don’t shoot me.”
  22. “Did you just hiss at me?”
  23. “Do you really need all that candy?”
  24. “It’s six o’clock in the morning, you’re not having vodka.”
  25. “I swear, I’m not crazy!!!”
  26. “The diamond in your engagement ring is fake.”
  27. “No. Regrets.”
  28. “How drunk was I?”
  29. “How is my wife more badass than me?”
  30. “Be you. No one else can.”
  31. “I haven’t slept in ages.”
  32. “I locked the keys in the car.”
  33. “Are you sure that’s the decision you want to make?”
  34. “You work for me. You are my slave.”
  35. “Take your medicine.”
  36. “They’re monsters.”
  37. “Welcome to fatherhood.”
  38. “Why can’t you appreciate my sense of humor?”
  39. “It’s your turn to make dinner.”
  40. “The kids, they ambushed me.”
  41. “Sorry isn’t going to help when I kick your ass!!!”
  42. “Stop being so cute.”
  43. “I feel like I can’t breathe.”
  44. “You need to see a doctor.”
  45. “You’re getting a vasectomy. That’s final.”
  46. “I was a joke, baby. I swear.”
  47. “Dogs don’t wear clothes!”
  48. “I didn’t think you could get any less romantic…”
  49. “Safety first. What are you? FIVE?”
  50. “This is girl talk, so leave.”
  51. “Where am I going? Crazy. Wanna come?”
  52. “There’s a herd of them!”
  53. “Do you think I’m scared of a woman?”
  54. “They’re not your kids, back the f*ck off.”
  55. “You’re a nerd.”
  56. “I’m late.”
  57. “Just get home as soon as possible, okay?!”
  58. “You smell like a wet dog.”
  59. “I could punch you right now.”
  60. “Are you going to talk to me?”
  61. “Welcome back. Now fucking help me.”
  62. “If you can’t sleep…we could have sex?”
  63. “Flea markets don’t carry fleas, you know?”
  64. “Here, take my blanket.”
  65. “I don’t want you to stop.”
  66. “How could I ever forget about you?”
  67. “You’re bleeding all over my carpet.”
  68. “Run for it!”
  69. “We need to talk.”
  70. “Not everyone is out to get you. Stop thinking that. It’s annoying.”
  71. “I want a pet.”
  72. “Just smile, I really need to see you smile right now.”
  73. “I’m not wearing a dress.”
  74. “I’m not wearing a tie.”
  75. “Quit beating me up!”
  76. “Please put your penis away.”
  77. “It’s a Texas thing.”
  78. “Don’t argue. Just do it.”
  79. “I hope I’m never stuck with you on a deserted island.”
  80. “Does he know about the baby?”
  81. “Hold still.”
  82. “I just ironed these pants!”
  83. “Enough with the sass!”
  84. “Show me what’s behind your back.”
  85. “I’m not going to be sympathetic until you go to a doctor.”
  86. “Fine, don’t say anything and make me worry.”
  87. “Stay awake.”
  88. “STOP INTERRUPTING ME!”
  89. “You’re not interested, are you?”
  90. “I’m not buying ikea furniture again.”
  91. “Tell me you need me.”
  92. “Oh honey, I’d never be jealous of you.”
  93. “I’m telling you. I’m haunted.”
  94. “I had a bad dream again.”
  95. “Have I mentioned, I fucking hate Halloween.”
  96. “It’s Christmas, don’t be mad at me.”
  97. “You’re not going to starve yourself on Thanksgiving.”
  98. “The store ran out of Easter eggs.”
  99. “How could you forget your son’s birthday?”
  100. “You can only suffer through my whining for so long until you get up and make me a sandwich.”

Visit @prompt-bank for more prompts!!

Real talk - Hogwarts Houses

Listen up folks!
So, we all know about our Hogwarts houses and we also know that it is an unspoken rule that your Hogwarts house is kind of your own very important, very chaotic but also very lovable family.

However, I am slowly but steadily getting sick of hearing:

“Oh, you’re a Slytherin, so you are an evil piece of shit.”

Like, no. Kindly f*ck off. It’s true that once you have pissed me off, I’ll make your life miserable, but that doesn’t mean that I’m evil, at least not per se.

And this does not only go for Slytherins.
It goes for every house.

Gryffindors aren’t reckless.
Hufflepuffs aren’t vulnerable.
Ravenclaws aren’t boring.
Slytherins aren’t evil.

You wanna know how I know? Apart from the obvious evidence given in the books, let’s just take one short look at their freakin’ crests.

☆ GRYFFINDOR ☆

Their house animal is a bloody lion!
Yes, it’s true that male lions sometimes fight recklessly. BUT, a lion pride has a strict hierarchy and rules which are to be followed. The young lions are to be protected at all cost and the pride is literally living together. Whether they are hunting or grooming each other or simply lying on the sun together. They protect each other, the pride and their territory.

So, should you ever think that Gryffindors are happy go lucky idiots , than you are most likely fucking wrong. Thank you very much.


☆ HUFFLEPUFF ☆

Oh boy, don’t even get me started… You think a badger is cute and harmless? Well, yes they are, but still. Have you ever heard of the honey-badger? Probably the most badass living mammal I have ever heard of. That animal eats snakes! Freakin’ snakes!!
It digs out the honey out off a bee hive and gets stung ten to twenty times and simply does not give a shit.

If you still think Hufflepuffs are vulnerable you better get ready to get your ass kicked.

☆ RAVENCLAW ☆

Alright, so, Ravenclaws always read and have a stick up their arse? Well, think again!
Their animal is a motherfudging eagle. That creature is so epic even Americas bald eagle loses its feathers. Have you seen its claws? Because I have and they certainly aren’t just for decoration.

They might have their head in the clouds but from up there they can see all your flaws so shut the fuck up about Ravenclaws being boring.


☆ SLYTHERIN ☆

Yes, you say the snake is an evil demon? Well , you thought wrong, asshat! It’s true that the snake is a sign of the wicked, but it is also known for its wisdom and healing. Snake poison is indeed used for certain antidotes hence the use of the snake as the sign of medicine.
Furthermore , in mythology it is the symbol of eternity and primal energy (Uroborus.)

So yeah, you wanna say that I’m a piece of shit? Okay, maybe so. But that has nothing to do with my Hogwarts house. So leave it.

I can already imagine the hero interactions once Doomfist arrives:

Winston: “Try something funny and I’ll put you back in jail.
Doomfist: “I’d like to see you try, monkey.


Doomfist: “So they let you back into action, uh?
Genji: “Keep pushing and I’ll take you out of it.


Doomfist: “I hope this time you won’t-”
Tracer: “F*CK OFF, YOU F*CKIN’ F*UCK!! BLOODY F*UCKIN’ F*CK YOU TO F*CK!! F****************CK YOU TO F*CK’RY!”

Basically, This is Basically What Every Dr. Phil Episode is Basically Like Basically
  • Dr. Phil: Hello, I am Doctor Philip, and today we'll be tackling an issue that is very widespread, but rarely spoken about. Gaming addiction. Now, I know many of you know at least one person in your life who plays video games, whether that be a child or, in some cases, a spouse.
  • Audience: *laughs*
  • Dr. Phil: But, when unregulated, gaming can lead to serious addiction. Today I have with me a mother who's home life has been torn apart as her very own son descended into gaming addiction.
  • Mother: *sniffing and wiping tears away* Hello, doctor. Will you cure my son?
  • Dr. Phil: Well, dear, that's... uhh. Let's just bring the boy out already.
  • *dramatic music plays*
  • Gamer: My name is Gregg, I'm 19 years old, I'm a gaming addict, and I don't give a f*ck.
  • Audience: *gasps*
  • Gamer: Yeah, I game for 19 to 20 hours a day and the other four hours I use for looking up sick gaming strats or beating it to anime porn. I once sucked off a dude because he offered me minecraft diamonds. I don't give a sh*t, I would've sucked him off even if he didn't have the diamonds.
  • Audience: *gasps louder*
  • Gamer: Do I hate women? Yes, I hate women. I've emailed Anita Sarkeesian my address. She knows where I am if she wants to fight me. Feminists, square the fuck up. People always ask why I don't do anything other than gaming. I ask them why don't they mind their own f*cking business. I don't think I have a problem. Dr. Phil can honestly eat my whole an*s.
  • Gamer: *walks out onto the stage*
  • Audience: *boos*
  • Gamer: F*ck all y'all! I don't give a f*ck! *flips off the audience*
  • Dr. Phil: Please take a seat, son.
  • Gamer: *sits very disrespectfully*
  • Mother: *starts bawling*
  • Dr. Phil: Son, do you think that was acceptable behavior?
  • Gamer: The only behavior I care about is the behavioral patterns for enemies in the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. series. I love video games: Master chief, Mario, uhm, Blinx the Cat... Blasto. Love those guys!
  • Audience: *boos*
  • Gamer: I don't care! You think I care! F*ck all y'all!
  • Dr. Phil: All these people are booing you, doesn't that make you feel bad?
  • Gamer: Are you deaf? Have I not articulated the fact that I absolutely 100% do not care about anything except for video games? I. DON'T. GIVE. A. F*CK.
  • Mother: He's always like this, there's no changing him. It didn't used to be this way... just *starts bawling harder*
  • Dr. Phil: I think there is a way to change him, and we'll find out more about that after these messages.
  • *Dr. Phil theme plays*
  • *The lights dim and every goes empty eyed and slack-jawed*
  • Gamer: Heh, this is weird. *nudges mom and whispers to her* Hey, we're getting paid for this, right. Hey, mom? ...Mom?
  • Mother: *completely unresponsive*
  • Dr. Phil: *completely unresponsive*
  • Audience: *completely unresponsive*
  • Gamer: Heh... this is REALLY weird. *looks around nervously*
  • Audience member: Hey!
  • Gamer: Huh?
  • Audience Member: I'm in the audience! Over here! My arms are strapped to the chair! You have to help me!
  • Gamer: *runs to the audience member*
  • Audience Member: Thank god, I thought I was the only one here left with any brains.
  • Gamer: *hastily undoing the straps* What the fuck is going on?
  • Audience Member: I don't know, but this definitely isn't Dr. Phil's show.
  • Gamer: Then what is it?
  • Audience Member: No clue, but we have to get out of here before the commercial breaks ends.
  • Gamer: *successfully undoes the straps*
  • Audience Member: C'mon! Let's go. *grabs the gamer by the arm*
  • Gamer: *resists* Wait a fucking minute. Why am I supposed to trust you?
  • Audience Member: Because I'm normal and everyone else is braindead if you haven't noticed.
  • Gamer: Yeah, but I'm not going anywhere until I know what's going on. Being on Dr. Phil is a huge opportunity for me to, y'know, advertise my brand. I'm a gamer if you haven't noticed.
  • Audience Member: Are you insane? Have you had a look around you? Does this anything happening right now seem normal to you? Who cares about your "brand". Do you even remember how you got here?
  • Gamer: Well... now that you mention, I can't really remember exactly.
  • Audience Member: Yeah, now let's get the fuck out of here.
  • *the gamer and audience member run through the back exit into the hallways*
  • *the Dr. Phil theme blares as the show returns from commercial break*
  • Gamer: My ears!
  • Audience Member: Move it! *jerks gamer's arm*
  • Gamer: Okay, calm down.
  • *the entire audience screams in unison*
  • Gamer: What the fuck is that!?
  • Audience Member: It's the reason we're running! Quick, in here!
  • *the duo duck into a cramped broom closest*
  • Gamer: Listen, you have to tell me what the fuck is going on right now!
  • Audience Member: Shh.
  • Gamer: Don't shush me!
  • Audience Member: *covers the gamer's mouth*
  • *agonized screaming and violently rumbling passes by the broom closest*
  • Gamer: Holy shit!
  • Audience Member: Stop yelling.
  • Gamer: How can I not yell when it sounds the gates of hell just passed by us!
  • Audience Member: You want it to turn back around and find us?
  • Gamer: Alright. I'll calm down... I'll. *start sobbing*
  • Audience Member: Please, please stop crying. You're too loud.
  • Gamer: I can't! I'm under a lot of stress!
  • Audience Member: You'll be dead if you don't shut the fuck.
  • Gamer: I never wanted any of this, I just wanted to go on Dr. Phil so people would recognize me on YouTube and I could become a popular Let's Player!
  • Audience Member: If you don't shut up right now, I'll-
  • *a snake bites the audience member's neck*
  • Audience Member: *eyes roll up*
  • Gamer: *screams like a baby*
  • *snakes slither under the closet door*
  • Gamer: *stumbles out of the closet and falls into hallway covered with snakes* Fuck me! Fuck me!
  • Gamer: *attempts to run away but falls beneath the snakes and into and empty void*
  • *agonized screaming echoes from all around*
  • Gamer: Am I in hell? I have to be in hell. You don't fall through a pool of snakes and wind up anywhere else but hell.
  • Dr. Phil: THERE IS NO HELL.
  • Gamer: Doc, is that you? If this isn't hell then where am I?
  • Dr. Phil: YOU'RE IN MY REALM SON. *Dr. Phil's face appears glowing in the distance, his eyes are empty sockets and his mouth hangs open*
  • Gamer: What the fuck are you?
  • Dr. Phil: I'M DOCTOR PHILIP.
  • Gamer: You're not Dr. Phil!
  • Dr. Phil: I NEVER SAID I WAS, SON. *a wall of gray human bodies lights up surrounding Dr. Phil's massive head, dr. phil's giant snake body slithers towards the gamer and opens its third eye* I'M DOCTOR PHILIP.
  • *the wall of bodies screams in unison as Dr. Phil devours the gamer*
  • *Dr. Phil theme plays loudly*
  • Dr. Phil: THE NEXT EPISODE IS STARTING. I'M LATE. *slithers into the wall of bodies and his snake body slowly transforms into a normal Dr. Phil's body*
  • Dr. Phil: *crawls onto the stage*
  • Dr. Phil: *dusts himself off* Woo, I went on quite an adventure.
  • Audience: *laughs*
  • Dr. Phil: I'm glad we can all find some time in our lives to laugh, but today's episode is covering something that is most certainly not a laughing matter. It's one of the most serious addictions striking America today and it's rarely talked about. I'm talking about people who love to pee on their mattresses and then pay people exorbitant amounts of money to suck their disgusting mattresses clean.
  • Audience: ... *someone clears their throat*
  • Dr. Phil: What's the matter?
  • Cameraguy: Spsss, Doc. That's not what the episode is about. It's about people with terrible gambling issues.
  • Dr. Phil: Oh, ah, fuck! Cut to commercial!
Hospital Jargon (as explained by an American floor nurse)

Writing something that takes place in a hosptial? Consider this list of phrases to add a sense of realism:

HOSPITAL LIFE:

Report/ in report: When one nurse hands their patients off to another

PACU can f*ck right off until 1930, we’re in report.

Sign-Out: When one doctor/resident hands their patients off to another

*returning page* “Are they dying? I’ve barely gotten sign-out here

EPIC- Electronic charting system. Literally any electronic charting system. Does not have to be Hyperspace/supplied by the EPIC corporation to be called this.

Hey, could you put those vitals in EPIC for me since you’re already logged in?

Bed 45/46-2/47-1/48/etc…: how we refer to patients, by their bedspace number, denoted “room-bed”.

Hey Nikki, do you remember what 45-2′s blood sugar was?

Assignment: The patients any one particular medical professional has responsibility for- be they a nurse, doctor, aide, respiratory therapist, physical therapist, etc…

My assignment is rooms 43-45, how about you?

The Board: Where the status of the patients on your floor get listed, including who is to be discharged, who has certain needs, and the day’s expected admissions. Used to be a physical white board, but now is electronic. Usually used to talk about how many patients a floor is about to admit.

“Jeeze, did you see they just put four new patients on our board? We’ve already got 16- call the nursing supervisor.”

Flexed up: Taking more patients than you’re staffed for on a floor

Well, we’re staffed for 15, but they ‘found’ three more bedspaces so they’re flexing us up tonight.

Code/Call a code/They’re coding: A Code Blue. When a patient’s heart stops on The Floor and everyone shows up to practice CPR and transfer them to The Unit.

They’re coding, get a crash cart to 75-2 and call a code blue

Rapid/Call a rapid/Rapid response team: Almost a code, but their heart is still beating. For hospitals who have a separate “Rapid Response” nursing team. Two Crit Care nurses show up and handle things. Also who you call if you and everyone else on your floor can’t get an IV.

They have an INR of 9.5 and the doc doesn’t want to do anything- I’m gonna call a rapid.

Float/they’re floating you: When you don’t have enough patients on your floor so the nursing supervisor sends you to a different, unfamiliar one.

They’re making me float to 9C. Again. Can you believe that??

Full: Can’t take any more patients, either due to physical space or nursing staff.

Tell the nursing supervisor to stop putting patients on our board- we’re full

Clinic: Outpatient. Where you want your patients to be.

Tell them we’ll see them in Clinic in three days. They have no medical need to be here anymore and they know it.

KINDS OF PATIENTS:

Contacts/isolations: Any patients who’s rooms you have to don a gown, gloves, mask, and/or respirator to enter.

Are you sh*tting me? I have five patients today and four of them are isolations.

Frequent flyer- Someone who, for medical or social reasons, just can’t seem to stay out of the hospital

Did you hear Darlene is back?” “Yeah, we’re officially engraving her name on the Frequent Flyer wall of fame

Crump/Crumpy/Crumper: Colloquial term for patients who are medically unstable/at a lower level of care than they need/will be transferred to The Unit when a bed becomes available or when the inevitably code, whichever comes first.

73′s a crumper if I’ve ever seen one. Rapid’s in there working her now.

‘Seeker: Someone in the hospital with their own agenda, but who largely has no medical need to be there and will threaten to sign out AMA (even though they’ve been discharged four times and keep refusing to go) if they don’t get what they want- be it drugs, social interaction, or over-the-top waitressing. Will probably threaten to give a horrible review of the hospital on their social media platform of choice and mention you by name if they don’t get what they want.

49′s a total seeker. When she’s not begging for pain meds, you’re getting her crackers, juice, tea, hot packs, cold packs, everything you could think of. I didn’t sit down all night and my other patients slept pretty much the whole night. Give her some percocet and get her the hell out of here before I have to deal with her again tonight.

Heavy: A patient that takes up a disproportionate amount of your time, but usually for a legitimate reason.

Dr. P’s patients are really heavy. Something’s always going on with them and they have tubes coming out of everywhere that need care of some kind every hour… I had two of his patients today and I’m so tired… could we break up the assignment for the next shift please?

HOSPITAL PLACES:

The Floor: Medical and Surgical floors, sometimes specialty floors- basically anywhere that’s not the ED, Psych, or The Unit. These have higher staffing ratios (more patients per nurse) and lower patient acuity than The Unit

They didn’t really need a bed on the Unit so they were transferred to the Floor

The Unit: The Intensive Care Unit. Where crumpy patients go, comes in the following flavors (though smaller hospitals may have just one): MICU (medical), SICU (surgical), PICU (pediatric), TICU (trauma), NICU (neonatal), NICU (neurological), BICU (burn), and Stepdown (in the days after an ICU discharge).

They weren’t doing so hot, so we called a rapid and had them sent to The Unit.

The ED: The Emergency Department. Oh dear lord it is not called the ER.

They’re sending up that new admit from the ED in like 5 mins, do you have the room ready?

PACU: Post Anesthesia Care Unit, where people are stabilized after surgery.

PACU’s calling again, they’re backing up and need to give report.” 

THE NURSING HIERARCHY:

Director of Nursing: One Nurse to rule them all. Directs all facets of nursing, from training to hiring to staffing to quality improvement.

Nursing Supervisor: One nurse to rule them all… on a given shift. The nursing supervisor assigns patients to nursing units and makes sure everywhere is staffed accordingly.

Nurse Manager: In charge of the general staffing and personnel management of a particular floor, including scheduling, patient satisfaction, staff development, and service recovery.

Charge Nurse/Charge: The “shift manager” of nursing. Has final say on a lot of things you don’t want to be the bad guy on, as well as creating assignments/checking the crash cart, and submitting service requests when the nurse manager isn’t there. Also has a patient assignment.

Staff nurse: The nurses who do assessments, pass meds, start IVs, carry out orders, give updates to doc’s, chart, manage a patient’s day, make sure they get to tests/procedures on time with the right paperwork, and are overall responsible for managing patient care and providing first-line response to issues that arise throughout the shift.

Nurse Aide/Nurse Tech: Provides the majority of basic patient care. Counts intake and output, gets blood sugars and vital signs, sets up rooms for new admits, cleans and clothes patients, gets blood and urine samples, transports patients if necessary. Staff nurses are responsible for this when aides/techs are not available.

Would someone please add the Medical Hierarchy if you know it? I don’t feel I know it well enough to do it justice. Thanks!

Rotten Judgement - part 4

AU!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Hercules!AU After selling your soul to save your lover’s life, you become one of the Lord of the Underworld’s slave. Bucky is obsessed with one thing: collecting hearts. But why?

Word Count:1,877

Warnings: -

A/N: I died three times while writing this. I dedicate this one to the sun, kindly f*ck off. I hope you like this one, some fun stuff coming soon :)

Rotten Judgement - Masterpage

You and Steve walked hand in hand down the street, enjoying the cool breeze. You knew you had angered Bucky, but you didn’t care. You would deal with him and his silly pride later. Right now, you wanted to enjoy your time with Steve. He was charming and, quite literally, perfect.

“I’ve got a friend who wants to meet you,” Steve said.

“You told your friends about me?” A slight blush crept up his cheeks, making you chuckle. “Relax, Cap. I’d love to meet your friends.”

He gave you the most beautiful smile you’d ever seen. It made your stomach do a pleasant flip. You felt your face heat and bashfully lowered your eyes.

It’s too cliché, you thought. Get a grip, girl!

Keep reading

Double Power.

> Get a duckling from my cousin.
> No idea why but holy sh*t, those things are cute.
> Play with it like it’s a dog.
> Runs free in our garden. Would get over the fence every once in a time but always returned.
> Actually grows up into a giant killing machine.
> Leaves me and family alone, but attacks strangers when getting to close.
> One day, neighbour kids make a bet. Saw it all from my window.
> Don’t know everything but they dared one of the kids to kick my duck.
> Kid jumps over the fence, kicks my duck from behind.
> Duck turns around and attacks him. Ripping his clothes etc.
> Enjoying the view from inside my house.
> Anyways, an hour later parents of the kids infront of our door.
> They want the duck away because ‘it is a danger for the children’
> Tell them to f*ck off.
> They call the cops, animal protection etc but they didn’t do anything because we did nothing wrong.
> 2 days later they bring a new duckling. Trying to make me get rid of the old one and take the new one as a pet.
> “Accept” the duckling.
> Didnt get rid of the other one.
> Now I have 2 killing machines in my garden.

Petty Revenge: Your daily dose of the best petty revenge stories.

And my bartender Santa gave me an extra dose of Christmas cheer.

(warning: long story)

I’m a regular at a bar. I don’t have family, my room mate was out of town. So I went to the bar.

I was having a good night. Then this mother f*cker showed up.

Now this mother f*cker and I don’t have a lot of history in my mind. I was dating a girl three years ago. She cheated on me. I broke up with her. The whole relationship lasted all of a month. In my mind, that was the end of it. Shit happens, move on.

The person she cheated on me with, was this mother f*cker.

Keep reading

Every type's ''Bitch Slap''

SUBMITTED by Steve

In response to the ExFP’s laying the smackdown when they’ve been offended. Which I totally agree with. Whenever I disagree with my ESFP or ENFP friend on a issue that’s close to them, I get greeted with a prompt ’‘F*CK OFF!!’’ response…..nothing less. Tertiary Te is brutal.

It’s even worse with IxFPs. They have Dominant Fi and Inferior Te so the second you’re not on the same page as them, they might write you off forever without a second thought. 

Now that we have covered them however, I find that Tertiary Ti is even more brutal. Piss off an IxFJ and they will throw their Fe away and let Ti tell you exactly how they feel and when that happens, hell hath no fury like a scorn IxFJ. They will mouth off to you in ways you never imagined were possible. 

Luckily, IxTJs are much more forgiving. Through their Te, they understand emotional outbursts. i.e “I was way out of line and they corrected me”. That being said, mess with an IxTJ long enough and you are DONE! Ni/Si can only take so much abusive behavior before Fi takes over and calls it quits. And when that happens, you best believe you are in the garbage bin forever. Te is very confident that it can go on through life without you. 

Then there’s ExFJs. Dominant Fe of course is known to be an easily offended function and it is. But is it also a very forgiving function. However, cross an ExFJ and next thing you know, they are egging your house and deflating all your tires because Fe-Ni/Si has been betrayed, therefore lower Se/Ne-Ti cranks up and wants to punish you in the worst (albeit irrational) kinda way. 

ExTPs have Teritiary Fe. Though they won’t admit it, they love to be validated. Call them out on their BS and expect a whole world of hurt. Their rebuttal is bound to be very hurtful and spoken out of a place of truth (Ti). ExTPs love to think of themselves as very generous and for the most part, they actually are. So when this is not reciprocated to them, all hell breaks loose. Se and Ne knows how to make your life a living hell, so beware. 

That leaves us with ExTJs and IxTPs. They have “feeling” as their inferior function so of course they are the four types least likely to take anything personally, right? Think again. Immature ExTJs will become very self-righteous about your behavior, telling you the many ways as to how you are wrong. Meanwhile IxTPs willl probably throw tamper tantrums on how you are disrespecting them. While in most cases they are speaking out of inferior functions, you still should ask yourself if they’re not making a good point. They are Dominant thinkers after all, so respect their analysis. 

More Prompts

REQUESTS OPEN

“That’s starting to get annoying”
“Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.”
“You can’t just sit there all day.”
“I’m too sober for this.”
“I’m not drunk enough for this conversation.” “I’m not here to make friends.”
“I need a place to stay.”
“Well, that’s tragic.”
“You’re seriously like a man-child.”
“You can’t banish me! This is my bed too!”
“The ladies love a guy who’s good with kids.”
“Dear Diary, …”
“She’s hiding behind the sofa.”
“I lost our baby.”
“They’re so cute when they’re asleep.”
“I’d kill for a coffee…literally.”
“You’re getting crumbs all over my bed.”
“Good thing I didn’t ask for your opinion.”
“What’s the matter, sweetie?”
“You’re Satan.”
“I don’t want to hear your excuse. You can’t just give me wet-willies.”
“I’m bulletproof…but please, don’t shoot me.”
“Did you just hiss at me?”
“Do you really need all that candy?”
“It’s six o’clock in the morning, you’re having vodka.”
“I swear, I’m not crazy!!!”
“The diamond in your engagement ring is fake.”
“No. Regrets.”
“How drunk was I?”
“How is my wife more badass than me?”
“Be you. No one else can.”
“I haven’t slept in ages.”
“I locked the keys in the car.”
“Are you sure that’s the decision you want to make?”
“You work for me. You are my slave.”
“Take your medicine.”
“They’re monsters.”
“Welcome to fatherhood.”
“Why can’t you appreciate my sense of humor?”
“It’s your turn to make dinner.”
“The kids, they ambushed me.”
“Sorry isn’t going to help when I kick your ass!!!”
“Stop being so cute.”
“I feel like I can’t breathe.”
“You need to see a doctor.”
“The store ran out of Easter eggs.”
“It was a joke, baby. I swear.”
“Dogs don’t wear clothes!”
“I didn’t think you could get any less romantic…”
“Well that killed the mood, have fun with your hand.” “Use your imagination” “Safety first. What are you? FIVE?”
“This is girl talk, so leave.”
“Where am I going? Crazy. Wanna come?”
“There’s a herd of them!”
“Do you think I’m scared of a woman?”
“They’re not your kids, back the f*ck off.”
“You’re a nerd.”
“Just drive!” “I’m late.”
“Just get home as soon as possible, okay?!”
“You smell like a wet dog.”
“I could punch you right now.”
“Are you going to talk to me?”
“Welcome back. Now fucking help me.”
“If you can’t sleep… y'knowwe could have sex?”
“Flea markets don’t carry fleas, you know?”
“Here, take my blanket.”
“I don’t want you to stop.”
“How could I ever forget about you?”
“You’re bleeding all over my carpet.”
“Run for it!”
“We need to talk.”
“Not everyone is out to get you. Stop thinking that. It’s annoying.”
“I want a pet.”
“Just smile, I really need to see you smile right now.”
“I’m not wearing a dress.”
“I’m not wearing a tie.”
“Quit beating me up!”
“Please put your penis away.”
“It’s a Texas thing.”
“Don’t argue. Just do it.”
“I hope I’m never stuck with you on a deserted island.”
“Does he know about the baby?”
“Hold still.”
“I just ironed these pants!”
“Enough with the sass!”
“Show me what’s behind your back.”
“I’m not going to be sympathetic until you go to a doctor.”
“Fine, don’t say anything and make me worry.”
“Don’t growl at me!”
“Stay awake.”
“STOP INTERRUPTING ME!”
“You’re not interested, are you?”
“I’m not buying ikea furniture again.”
“Tell me you need me.”
“Oh honey, I’d never be jealous of you.”
“I’m telling you. I’m haunted.”
“For the love of God, put some pants on.”
“I had a bad dream again.”
“Have I mentioned, I fucking hate Halloween.”
“It’s Christmas, don’t be mad at me.”
“You’re not going to starve yourself on Thanksgiving.”
“Hey! Put the claws away!”
“How could you forget your son’s birthday?”
“You can only suffer through my whining for so long until you get up and make me a sandwich.“

The Batmobile

Dick: Bruce won’t notice if I go for a little ride. *Climbs in and starts the engine* *Calls Wally* Hey, You up for a race?

Jason: *Drives off* F*ck the police! *Crashes* And Im screwed

Tim: *Builds his own* I have achieved greatness!

Damian: *Drives away*

Barbara: *Walks around* Ok not going to touch that.

Steph: What? Wait! How did you even get this built?!

Cassandra: *Shrugs and walks away*

Bruce: IM THE GODDAMN BATMAN! *Drives away*

Alfred: *wipes the window* *Smiles*

Harper: Oh My Goood! *Climbs in* *Drives everywhere*

BTS Scenario: Trying to Wake Up Yoongi

Min Yoongi X Reader

Thank you to @bubblessssss for the request!

Summary: You decide to take on the brave task of trying to wake up Min Yoongi after the other members claim that it’s too dangerous of a job. 

Word Count: ~2.8k

~I had a lot of fun writing this one, hope you all enjoy it!~

***I do not own the gif***

“Y/N…we really need your help.” You listened to Jimin say quickly over the phone. You could hear the other boys mumbling quietly in the background as Jimin spoke. 

“What’s going on?” 

“Just come over to the dorm. Please, hurry up.” He said before hanging up. What could they possibly be doing that required your help so urgently? Before your mind could wander and be flooded with thoughts that the boys could possibly be in danger, you quickly reached for your things and headed over to the dorm. 

Upon arriving, you were met at the door by Jimin who led you inside to where the rest of the members were waiting. 

“Okay…so what is it? Why did you call me over here?” You asked impatiently, wanting to know what could be so unbelievably important seeing as all the boys seemed to be okay. 

“Y/N, we don’t mean to be a bother, it just that we’ve been trying to wake up Yoongi hyung for the past thirty minutes and none of us have managed to do it,” Hoseok spoke up from behind Jimin. You looked at the group questioningly, they had to be kidding.

“You can’t be serious right now. This is why you called me over? It can’t be that hard to wake him up.” 

“That’s what you think, he tried to bite me!” Taehyung blurted out, raising up his arm to point to a red spot where Yoongi had tried to sink his teeth into Taehyung’s skin. Suddenly, you found yourself bursting into laughter at the six boys in front of you as they stared at you confusedly. 

“Will you just do it? We figured he’d listen to you since he wouldn’t dare hurt his ‘jagi’.” Jimin interjected, a hopeful look on his face. 

“You guys are ridiculous,” you said in between giggles, “but I’ll do it since you all are so terrified. I’ll show you how it’s done.” You replied confidently as you marched up the stairs to Yoongi’s room. Jimin was right, Yoongi would never hurt you and he’d certainly be happy to see his loving girlfriend coming to wake him up in the morning, right?

When you reached Yoongi’s room, you knocked on the door just in case the sleeping prince had finally gotten up. When there was no answer you carefully cracked open the door to see him still curled up in his bed. He looked so peaceful while sleeping and you almost didn’t want to wake him, but if the others really insisted, you’d do it.

“Yoongi,” you whispered as you tip-toed towards his bed. No answer. You tried calling his name again but to no avail. You stood over his bed and saw his face squished into his pillow and it took an immense amount of control to resist reaching over to poke his cheeks. In that moment, he looked like he’d never hurt a soul. Taehyung must have been overreacting; there was no way that this adorable slumbering creature known as Min Yoongi could possibly have tried to bite him.

“Yoongi, wake up!” You said a bit louder, this time shoving his shoulder lightly. He emitted a loud whine from under the covers before turning his back to you and pulling the covers tighter around his slim form.

“F*ck off Jimin, let me sleep” Yoongi grumbled. You let out a quiet giggle at the fact that he thought Jimin had come back to bug him. 

“It’s not Jimin, it’s Y/N!” You said, bending down to poke his sides. He let out a quiet grunt and shifted once again, but still, he refused to get out of bed. You figured you’d just have to try harder. You bent down further to lean over Yoongi, getting close enough to whisper into his ear.

“Yoongi, sweetheart, you have to get up. I came all the way here to wake you up, so please?” You whispered in his ear while gently running your fingers through his hair in hopes that he’d listen after hearing you talk so sweetly to him. He turned over to face you, cracking open one eye to glare up at where you were standing. Just when you thought you’d finally succeeded, he swung his leg out at you in an attempt to get you to back off.

“Min Yoongi!” You scolded, staring down at him in shock. It was no use waking him up nicely now; you were going to drag him out of that bed by his legs if you had to. 

“Go away.” Yoongi muttered raspily, pulling the covers over his head. 

You reached down to grab his arm and began to tug at him while keeping a slight distance just in case he decided to kick at you again. To your surprise, he suddenly reached both his hands out to grab your arms and pulled as hard as he could until you toppled onto the bed. 

“What are you-” you were cut off by Yoongi wrapping his arms around you in a tight embrace until you couldn’t move. 

“If you won’t leave me alone, I’ll just have to stop you this way.” He mumbled in your ear before cuddling into you and falling back asleep. 

“Yoongi, let me go!” You cried out, wriggling around while his arms were locked around you. He grumbled drowsily in response while pulling you closer. How was it possible that he could hold such a tight grip around you while sleeping? 

You struggled in his arms until you were finally able to turn around to face him. You couldn’t believe your boyfriend could be so stubborn. However, there was no way you’d give in now, no, this had become a challenge. 

“Yoongi!” You whined loudly into his ear while kicking your legs around in hopes that you’d pester him enough that he’d let go long enough for you to escape. At long last, he slowly began to open his eyes. He squinted at the bright light pouring into the room, looking around before his eyes finally landed on you glaring at him while still stuck in his arms. He stared at you for a moment before yawning loudly and you found that you couldn’t stay angry with him for too long, not when he looked so cute in his dazed, half-asleep state. 

You wiggled out of his arms and sat up in the bed, grabbing his hands and forcing him to sit up with you. You giggled at him as he rubbed his eyes sleepily, his hair sticking in every direction. 

“Jagi, you’re so mean you know that? Why did you have to wake me up?” He spoke raspily while pouting at you. Yoongi let out a whine as you reached over to attempt to fix his messy, mop of hair. 

“I had to! When am I supposed to see my wonderful boyfriend if he’s in bed sleeping all day?” You said jokingly, poking at his cheeks as he tried to swat your hands away. 

“I hate you.” He replied grumpily while running his hands through his hair, entirely messing up the work you’d just done to flatten it. 

“Well, I love you.” You giggled, leaning over to plant a kiss on his cheek before standing up. You looked down to see Yoongi lift his hand to where you’d pecked him, his cheeks beginning to burn a bright pink. You reached down once more to place a hand under his chin, forcing him to look up at you in his flustered state.

“If you get out of bed, I’ll make you breakfast and I might even give you another kiss.” You teased, his cheeks turning increasingly rosier as he looked up at you. Leaving him in his embarrassed state, you exited the room to head to the kitchen. A moment later, you heard footsteps thumping behind you and turned to see Yoongi stumbling towards you. You shot him a questioning expression as to why he was in such a hurry now that he was up. 

“What? I’m starving.” He said, smiling timidly. You laughed before taking his hand and heading towards the kitchen where the rest of the members’ eyes widened in shock upon seeing that you’d succeeded when none of them could.

 You silently flashed them a triumphant smile before pulling pans out to make Yoongi’s breakfast. Of course you’d succeeded, he was your loving boyfriend after all, and waking him up was such a simple task. Besides, it’s not like the others would ever discover what truly happened when you entered the room to awaken the beast that was Min Yoongi. 

***Feel free to send me any requests!*

Female golf course employee

So… we don’t offer rain checks for rain.

My boss says that customers are more than capable of checking the weather BEFORE they get here, so if it rains while they are playing, that’s on them.

Today, we had two walkers come in, rent clubs, pull carts, and pay for their green fees. As they are LITERALLY one foot out the door, they turn back and say “Is it going to rain?”

I reply, “I’m not sure. Last time I checked, the rain isn’t supposed to hit until 8:30ish. But just as a reminder, we don’t offer rain checks for rain!”

OF COURSE, it starts lightly raining about an hour after they tee off, 3 hours before I thought the rain was going to hit.

Lo and behold, they come stomping in, dragging mud and grass in everywhere (we have shoe cleaners outside, under a covered patio, FOR THIS VERY REASON) and start interrogating me about the weather. Yep, me, a girl in Kansas is the only one in the world to manipulate weather. Of course I purposely made it rain on you.

They wanted a rain check.

When I said no, they told me to f*ck off and do my job better.

I’M NOT THE WEATHER CHANNEL. YOU BOTH HAVE SMART PHONES. USE THEM TO CHECK THE WEATHER.

Uncle's patient dog poo vengeance.

This is a story about my uncle’s vengeance. My uncle is chill and friendly, but he once had the misfortune of living next to an awful neighbor. The guy actually didn’t have a ton of bad habits, but he did exactly what he wanted to do and he didn’t care who it affected. And one of the things he wanted to do was take his big dog on a daily morning walk and let the dog do his doggy business on my uncle’s lawn.

The first time my uncle caught him, he calmly confronted him and politely requested that the neighbor stop using his lawn as a dog toilet. The neighbor calmly told my uncle to get f*cked: he didn’t care what my uncle thought, there was nothing my uncle could do about it, and nothing would change.

This being 1970s southern California, my uncle couldn’t record the neighbor and shame him online or report him to the police for some litter violation, and although he is a cool uncle, he was in no way physically intimidating enough to get this guy to back down. Every day for a week he went outside to confront the shitty neighbor and his shitting dog, and every day he got the exact same answer: f*ck off, I don’t care, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

On the eight morning, my uncle stayed inside, watching as the neighbor yet again allowed his dog to leave a fudgy dump on his lawn. Then, after the neighbor and his dog had continued on their walk, my uncle grabbed a shovel and went outside. He scooped up the dog shit and, with masterful accuracy, flung it onto the roof of the neighbor’s house. As mentioned before, this being 1970s California, the neighbor’s roof (like all of the houses in that area) had a very shallow slope, and once he saw that the poop didn’t roll off, my uncle headed back inside.

He repeated the exact same procedure every morning… for the next eight months.

Not once did the neighbor notice the steadily growing pile of dog shit on his roof, baking and dehydrating in the California sun. Not once did he smell anything off, nor did he find it suspicious that my uncle still greeted him in a friendly manner after having his lawn used as a dog loo every single morning.

Finally, after eight months, the hot and sunny weather gave way to a massive rainstorm. Within minutes, the entire crusty layer of dog poop shingles rehydrated and broke free, a reeking mudslide from hell that sloshed down onto the neighbor’s property, splattering his lawn, his house, and his car with literal pounds of dog shit. Over the next few days, the neighbor’s grass succumbed to the poison and died, paint began to flake off his car, and the neighbor himself had to finally clean up after his dog once the sunny weather returned and the remnants of the dog poonami began to dry up while still stubbornly stuck to every stinking corner of his house. Tragically, my uncle didn’t take any pictures of the poo-house (I would have loved to have seen that).

From the day after the rainstorm to the day my uncle moved out of that house, he never spoke to that neighbor again… but the dog poop stopped appearing on his lawn for good.

Manchmal ist es besser Menschen loszulassen als sie festzuhalten. Es ist schwer und schmerzhaft, weil einem die Menschen wichtiger sind als das eigene Ego. Derjenige ist einem so wichtig, dass man ihm alles verzeiht, nur um ihn nicht zu verlieren, aber irgendwann muss man einen Schlussstrich ziehen. Nicht jedes "es tut mir leid" ist ernst gemeint und wenn es sich häuft verliert dieses Wort an Bedeutung, ist nichts mehr wert, sondern nur gesagt anstatt gemeint. Dann ist es Zeit loszulassen und genau dann verstehen sie möglicherweise was sie verloren haben, für nichts.