...And Plague Flowers the Kaleidoscope
  • ...And Plague Flowers the Kaleidoscope
  • Ne Obliviscaris
  • Portal of I

A sprawling, massive debut record that was released 9 years after the band’s formation, Ne Obliviscaris’ Portal of I blew the metal world away with its incredible ambition and scope. The band’s music is a breathtaking tapestry of multiple genres, from jazz to flamenco to violin-tinged extreme metal, and almost impossible to categorize with a single label. FFO Opeth, Alcest, Enslaved.

Right posers, I’m gonna teach you how to be ┼RVE KVL┼

Step 1: Replace ALL C’s with K’s, and all U’s with V’s and All T’s with ┼

Step 2: Complain about how mainstream all the underground BM bands are, while simultaneously adoring Burzum. 

Step 3: ONLY wear black. the only part of your outfit which isn’t black should be the overly long and very impractical spikes on your arms

Step 4: Remember, religion is stupid and anyone who follows any religion is dumb. Unless they worship Odin or Satan, that’s fine

Step 5: If your band’s music isn’t recorded on a potato, it’s not ┼RVE

Step 666: Draw Pentagrams EVERYWHERE

Step 7: Only posers take off their corpse paint

Step 8: Be in like, 17 different bands at once. 

Step 9: Tell everyone you have a piece of Per Ohlin’s skull

Step 10: Don’t socialize

Step 11: If you have to, greet people with “Infernal Hails!”

Step 12: Turn that cross upside down

Step 13: Never turn that frown upside down

Step 14: Only write lyrics praising either Satan, or Tolkien

Step 15: Only posers actually write songs about Satan

Step 16: Your album covers should involve either: Trees, Goats or Titties

Step 17: Music videos should ONLY be recorded in the woods

Step 18: Occasionally have Swastika at your live shows, and later deny you are a Nazi supporter with some shitty excuse like “We only used that symbol as another symbol for evil”

Step 19: Don’t play live shows

Step 20: Never follow any rules or steps.