“The Basics”

The basic structure of the sortinghatchats system is that you aren’t just sorted into one House, but into two tiers of Houses: Primary and Secondary. Your Primary House defines WHY you do things. Your Secondary defines HOW. To build this system, we’ve drawn on the Sorting Hat’s songs, general HP canon, extracanonical data (ex. interviews with JKR)… and then extrapolated.

People are complex– for joy or for utility, due to social pressure or careless recreation, people often use the reasoning or methods of Houses that aren’t their Primary or Secondary. We call this “modelling” or “performing” a house and we will explain it in greater detail later. These additional layers help us capture some complexities in characters that we couldn’t get using Primary and Secondary alone. People can vary hugely in how they embody their Houses; in this system, Aang, the heroic pacifist protagonist from Avatar the Last Airbender, shares most of his Houses with HP’s Lord Voldemort.

The way you decide which Houses are yours is not necessarily by looking at what you do, but at what would make you proudest and most content if you were strong enough to do it. Your sorting is what you want to be and what you believe you should do, whether or not you actually live up to it. That’s how people like Peter Pettigrew can end up in Gryffindor.


Your Primary is your why. It’s your motivations, your values, and the way you frame the world around you. It’s how and what you prioritize, and what you weigh most heavily when making your decisions. People often also assume that others share those priorities. A common response to our system is “but you must oversort into Gryffindor/Slytherin/Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff–everyone has that type of morality, deep down!”

Gryffindor Primaries trust their moral intuitions and have a need and a drive to live by them. They feel what’s right in their gut, and that matters and guides them. If they don’t listen to and act on that, it feels immoral.

We call Gryffindor morality “felt” but that doesn’t mean they’re all impetuous, emotional hellions. Gryffindors can still be intelligent, deliberate creatures who weigh their decisions and moralities carefully. Reasoning, intellectualizing and debate can be support for a Gryffindor’s felt morality– but those things can never make a fully satisfying morality in themselves. Some things are just wrong, no matter what pretty words you use to explain them.

Ravenclaw Primaries have a constructed system that they test their decisions against before they feel comfortable calling something right. This system might be constructed by them, or it might have been taught to them as children, or it might have been discovered by them some point later in life. But it gives them a way to frame the world and a confidence in their ability to interact with it morally.

Ravenclaws do not lack an intuitive sense of morality or gut feeling about things, but they distrust those instincts and have a need to ignore or to dig down deep and dissect those internal moral impulses. Living within their built moral system is as important to a Ravenclaw as to a Gryffindor; it’s the source of the morality that differs between them–what they trust.

Hufflepuff Primaries value people–all people. They value community, they bond to groups (rather than solely individuals), and they make their decisions off of who is in the most need and who is the most vulnerable and who they can help. They value fairness because every person is a person and feel best when they give everyone that fair chance. Even directly wronged, a Hufflepuff will often give someone a second (or fifth) chance.

This doesn’t mean all Hufflepuffs are inherently tolerant human beings, any more than all Gryffindors are inherently good, moral creatures. Hufflepuffs tend to believe that all people deserve some type of kindness, decency, or consideration from them–but they can define “person” however they want, excluding individuals or even whole groups.

Slytherin Primaries are fiercely loyal to the people they care for most. Slytherin is the place where “you’ll make your real friends”– they prioritize individual loyalties and find their moral core in protecting and caring for the people they are closest to.

Slytherin’s reputation for ambition comes from the visibility of this promotion of the self and their important people– ambition is something you can find in all four Houses; Slytherin’s is just the one that looks most obviously selfish.

Because their morality system of “me and mine first” is fairly narrow in scope, Slytherins often construct a secondary morality system to deal with situations that are not addressed by their loyalty system.


Your Secondary is your how. It’s how you approach the world as a person interacting with it, and how you make your way. It’s how you problem-solve. It’s not necessarily what you’re best at, or even what’s the most useful to you, but about what skills and methods you value as being intrinsic to you. Do you improvise, do you plan? Do you work on something a little bit every day? Do you charge into the fray and tell people exactly what’s on your mind? What do you do? How would you describe the way you meet the world?

Note: the term “Secondary” is not meant to imply that how you do things is any less important than why (the Primary House). It’s simply the way our terminology fell out and we’re too lazy to change it. The importance of motivations v. methods is a personal sliding scale– it’s perfectly valid for a person to identify with their Secondary House over their Primary. (When drawing from canonical sources, we assumed each character likely was in a House that matched to either their Primary or their Secondary. For instance, Harry is in Gryffindor for his heroic Gryffindor Primary, but Ginny Weasley is there for her brash and bold Gryffindor Secondary.)

Gryffindor Secondaries charge. They meet the world head-on and challenge it to do its worst. Gryffindor Secondaries are honest, brash, and bold in pursuit of things they care about. Known for their bravery, it is almost a moral matter to stay true to themselves in any situation that they’re in.

Ravenclaw Secondaries plan. They collect information, they strategize. They have tools. They run hypotheticals and try to plan ahead for things that might come up. They build things (of varying degrees of practicality and actual usefulness) that they can use later– whether that’s an emergency supply pack, a vast knowledge of Renaissance artistic techniques and supplies, or a series of lists and contingency plans. They feel less at home in improvisation and more comfortable planning ahead and taking the time to be prepared.

Hufflepuff Secondaries toil. Their strength comes from their consistency and the integrity of their method. They’re our hard workers. They build habits and systems for themselves and accomplish things by keeping at them. They have a steadiness that can make them the lynchpin (though not usually the leader) of a community. While stereotyped as liking people and being kind (and this version is perhaps a common reality), a Hufflepuff secondary can also easily be a caustic, introverted misanthrope who runs on hard work alone.

Slytherin Secondaries improvise. They are the most adaptive secondary, finding their strength in responding quickly to whatever a situation throws at them. They improvise differently than the Gryffindor Secondary, far more likely to try coming at situations from different angles than to try strong-arming them. They might describe themselves as having different “faces” for different people and different situations, dropping them and being just themselves only when they’re relaxing or feel safe.

But the Journey Continues…

These four basic Primary and Secondary houses are summarized starting places that we use as a basis for further discussion. What are some ways this gets complicated?

Keep reading

on the new ghost zone information and vlad

what if, instead of trying to find the elsewhereness(? it was kind of hard to hear) so that he could conquer and rule it, he was trying to find the elsewhereness to destroy it? 

because i can’t imagine vlad would want to rule it. He’s never acquired wealth or power for the sake of having it, so why would he do so in this case? Ruling the elsewhereness would have no meaning for him, just as ruling the world in PP had no meaning for him, because it gets him no closer to his goal of marrying Maddie. 

But, Vlad is petty. If he can’t have the things he wants, then no one else can either. He would sooner try to kill Danny than accept his refusal to be his son, like he tried in Kindred Spirits. Even when Maddie constantly rebuffs his advances, he still plots to kill Jack anyway, because if he can’t have her, then neither should Jack. So if he can’t find happiness (which he never will, because he is a miserable excuse of a man), then neither can anyone else–I can see him wanting to destroy this entire realm of bliss for all ghosts just to drag everyone else down to his own level of petty suffering.

Alternatively: Vlad trying to find a way to reliably create and control portals to the unworld for the same purpose. He could toss anyone who crosses him into eternal terror and pain. And at least then, he has the spiteful pleasure of knowing that even if he’s suffering, well, at least these nuisances have it worse than him now. (And after what happened in Kindred Spirits, I can easily see him trying to shove Danny in there.)

How Lord English’s Defeat Was Achieved

Whilst talking to a friend I was suddenly struck by a realization that I think explains the precise nature of how Lord English was defeated. I’ve already spoken a little about how the destruction of the Green Sun should not have depleted his Clockwork Majyyks, and therefore shouldn’t have made him any more invulnerable. Here is my take on what I think happened, and how it explains not only the ending, but the entire plot of Homestuck (seriously).

I’ve already spoken a fair bit in the past about Homestuck’s underlying themes in relation to the comic’s name. At first, when taken literally, “Homestuck” appears to be named for only a very small portion of Act 1, when John is literally “stuck in his home”. He is able to leave later on, so he’s no longer home-stuck, right? Now, my take has always been that this depends on your definition of “home”. Homestuck is a story about people leaving behind “homes” of various scope. John leaves his house, yes, but then he leaves his universe, his session, and ultimately his fundamental reality behind. He becomes unstuck from canon itself. From what more is there left to become “unstuck”?

Let’s remind ourselves what the “treasure” juju does. I mean, obviously we know that Caliborn initially used it to seal the souls of the beta kids, and then later Vriska deployed it against Lord English. But what else does it do? John put his hand through it and it became distributed throughout the canon of Homestuck. This is an ability with a very specific scope; he is distributed not throughout reality, but throughout Homestuck itself. There’s a reason why it is shaped like the Homestuck logo; the ultimate weapon is a gateway to Homestuck.

Lord English cannot be destroyed by conventional means, he can only be defeated by the exploitation of glitches in Paradox Space. So far, the glitches in Paradox Space we have seen have taken a very specific form also; metacanonical altering. Caliborn jams sparkle dust in the game cartridge, and .jpeg artifacts appear across the comic. John sticks his hand in the the juju, he gains the ability to use a retcon glitch. This is how one “glitches” Paradox Space, they interact with the narrative itself; with Homestuck itself. The juju allows one to do this, and this is why it’s so powerful.

Here’s my hypothesis. The weapon/treasure juju does not have three different abilities, it has one. We’ve been seeing it as 1. being able to trap four souls, 2. being able to impart retcon abilities, and 3. having an offensive ability to be used against Lord English. In reality, these are all one ability! The ability to act as a gateway to the Homestuck canon!

Caliborn did not seal the four kids within the juju! He sealed them within Homestuck. This is why the comic is called “Homestuck”! The kids are literally trapped within the narrative by the power of the juju. But, this power is also how Lord English is eventually defeated! Here is what happens in the [S] Act 7 flash.

  • Vriska activates the juju, it grows big and the kid’s symbols flash on its surface.
  • The symbol on the victory platform flips around, and turns white, the same colour and size as the juju. A door appears on its surface.
  • A door also appears on the side of the juju facing Lord English! This is not a coincidence. There are two doors here, one leading one way, and one leading the other way.

Homestuck is ending. By that expanding convention of the Kids, John in particular, escaping their bonds, then there is one more bond for them to break, one more door for them to pass. They need to leave the comic itself.

This is what the white juju with the door represents! The door on the Kid’s side leads out of Homestuck, whereas the door on English’s side leads in.

The kids will get to live on in a happy life beyond the narrative, possibly in the extracanon epilogue, the Paradox Space comic, not to mention fanworks. English will not. Caliborn gaining his power is shown at the moment of his defeat because his timeline is cyclical, marked by two circumstancially simultaneous events; his birth and his defeat. Similarly, the kids leaving Homestuck and Lord English “entering” it are two circumstantially simultaneous events orchestrated by the juju. Lord English has become trapped within Homestuck. While the comic may end for the kids, and they can move on, English is forever trapped within a loop of destruction, held by the bounds of canon.

The reason the juju flashes with the kids colours is because it is preparing to release them, but not to fight English, it is preparing to release them from Homestuck itself, by the comic’s ending.

This is why the comic had to end right after this moment, because otherwise the kids would not have escaped and English would have more canon scope throughout which to dominate.

This is why the juju is white, this is why the Act 7 curtains are white. White is the colour of Homestuck itself, as shown in the text for the logo displayed in the flash in act 1. The white curtains close on the comic, the white juju acts as the gateway into canon.

Perhaps the Green Sun had influence that reached beyond the canon (Paradox Space comic)? If this was the case, the English can no longer use it to access anything outside the canon, because Calliope destroyed it.

This is what Homestuck means. The clue was hidden in the name all along. This was a story about four kids who had literally been trapped inside their own story, and escaped it, trapping their unkillable villain inside it as it ended, meaning that he could spread his destruction no further. Of course Lord English can no longer cause harm within Homestuck, if Homestuck itself has ended! What an appropriate way to defeat an undefeatable villain in a comic where fourth wall breaking and metacanonical interactions with the main narrative are such an integral plot device.

Here is Hussie, deciding to kill off Lord English the only way he can; by ending his own comic. If the ending seemed abrupt to you, this is why.

That magnificent bastard.

  • hiveswap good ending: Joey goes back to her home on earth
  • hiveswap bad ending: Joey is publically executed for refusing to laugh at Trizza's rage comics
  • hiveswap true ending: Joey, still undercover, studies biology at an Alternian university for 7 years. she presents her doctoral dissertation to the university review board, and to us, the readers. it's a comprehensive, evolutionarily informed biological explanation of the form and function of troll titties. it all finally makes sense. ARquiussprite extracanonically appears, drenched in sweat and a single emotional tear. we finally know.

🔥 From @byronicwoman‘s transcription of the original Dolarhyde ledger. #EatTheRare

anonymous asked:

would you consider doing the marauders? and lily evans as well?

Note: in the way we play this sorting game, “primaries” are WHY you do things and “secondaries” are HOW. 

James Potter is a Slytherin Primary where Sirius Black is a Gryffindor Primary — they share a charging Gryffindor secondary, but where we see Sirius raging because it’s right and that’s what you do (you die for your friends), James dies because they are his.

We’re largely drawing here off other people’s reports, Harry’s memory of their death, and one brief scene from Snape’s pensieve. but James latches on to people— Lily (who he dies for), Sirius (who he takes in, and changes), Remus (who he becomes an Animagus for).

James is also framed as their leader (see: Gryff secondary). You could read him as a lot of things, because we see so little of him, but we think the simplest explanation for him is a Slytherin primary. When he goes in to stop Snape from getting chomped by teenaged Lupin after Sirius almost lethally pranked him, it’s framed like James was doing it for *Remus* not for Snape (the way a Hufflepuff might), or because it was wrong (the way an idealist might). It was going to hurt his Lupin; so he stepped in

Lily Evans is a Gryffindor/Gryffindor. Her secondary, shouting at that bully Potter, charging with all that red hair flying, is fairly obvious. Her primary, though, we get from the two main interactions we’re given about her: with Snape and with James. She befriends Severus and stays friends with him even as he repeatedly shuns her sister, joins up with nasty people, and calls her slurs. She stays his friend, forgiving, up until she decides he will not change, and then she leaves him with apparently very few qualms. This does not quite follow with the intense personal loyalties of a Slytherin, or the general loyalties of a Hufflepuff. A Hufflepuff will stay your friend and continue valuing you despite your errors and wrongs; they are actually less good at forgiving than (young, uninjured) Gryffindors, who tend to assume people will and can come to their senses and change their minds for the better.

We see this tendency, too, with James— we don’t see it, but we know that Lily went from hating the bully to remarrying the reformed young man. When James changed, she bought it. When James grew up, she believed it and she fell in love. Lily’s valuing of the quality of one’s character and her tendency to have faith and believe people will change for the better (until they’ve stepped on her as often as Snape did) is evidence for a very warm Gryffindor.

Severus Snape is a Slytherin/Ravenclaw with a solid Slytherin secondary model. His focus on and obsession with Lily is a very unhealthy and nonconsensual example of the Slytherin primary’s loyalty. Through loss, through death, through different sides of a war— when it came down to Lily’s life vs. the Dark Lord’s wrath, the cause, everything, Snape’s priorities were immediately and obviously the safety of Lily Evans. He is not fighting for ideals or reasons; just for Lily. And it feels slimy and stalkerish the way Narcissa’s love for Draco feels warm and powerful.

Snape looks a bit like a (rather unflattering example of a) Slytherin secondary in that he is false, that he lives in a twisted persona and not a self— but he’s actually a Ravenclaw secondary who’s had to learn really well how to be a Slytherin. He does not react or improvise with much skill or enjoyment. He is deliberate, studied, and planned.

You could definitely argue a “burned” secondary for him—he seems to err towards Ravenclaw, with a bunch of learned Slytherin tacked on, but he also seems to have decided that methods are immaterial and all equally a bit useless. He’s despairing in a lot of ways. His primary has not burned in the least — he holds to and is driven strongly by the loyalties and priorities of his Slytherin primary. But he’s lost faith in methods, in use, in… a lot of things.

Peter Pettigrew is a Hufflepuff secondary. Hufflepuff secondaries don’t have to be the community builders— they can also just thrive in or feed off of built communities. Peter draws a lot of his use and strength from tying himself in with powerful people— with with the marauders, and then with the death eaters. When he cuts off his connections is when he becomes useless. His strength are almost always the strengths of the people around him. 

Peter’s not a Slytherin primary—his personal loyalties have little to no effect on his actions or his guilt. He’s not a Hufflepuff, either, which leaves the two idealist houses. We try to take canon into consideration when sorting within HP verse— and, we emphatically refuse to sort the single and sole malevolent Gryffindor into any other house. Gryffindor gets to keep its villains, too— so, that makes Peter a Gryffindor/Hufflepuff.

Peter has an intuitive sense of right and wrong that allows him to move through his betrayals and skittering with a sense of justification. He does not feel guilty—listen to him plead and explain in the shrieking shack. He has given himself excuses and he believes them with the wholehearted certainty of a particularly selfish Gryffindor primary.

Sirius is a Gryff/Gryff, just like Lily— James may have a type. Sirius’s vehement, “You should have died rather than betray your friends!” in PoA is a statement of such strident, destructive loyalty that we were tempted towards Slytherin Primary, as with James. However, JKR’s extracanonical discussion of Sirius convinced us of Gryffindor. This was still about right and wrong, not loyalty. Sirius has a Slytherin model, probably, but deep down the boy’s all Gryffindor. 

JKR: I think the question really is do you, as readers, believe that Sirius would have died? Because Sirius is saying that. […]

Sirius would have done it. He, with all his faults and flaws, he has this profound sense of honor, ultimately, and he would rather have died honorably, as he would see it, than live with the dishonor and shame of knowing that he sent those three people to their deaths, those three people that he loved beyond any others, because like Harry he is a displaced person without family. (source)

Lupin is a Stripped Gryffindor— he’s an idealist, and he has a sort of careful, built idealism that hints at Ravenclaw. However, he feels bad about it; or empty. He wants to be intuitive and brave, but his life has been such that his surety in his self and his goodness is shaken. He has to build it, when he wants to just be it. But this is a boy whose very body fights him, and the way he has dealt with that is to Fall and to build himself a system outside himself.

Lupin also has a strong degree of Hufflepuff — he values kindness. He pays attention to the kids in his class, not just what they learn but how they are. He is the one to provide chocolate after dementors, to the kids huddled in his train car. It’s a Hufflepuff that feels slightly detached from him, in some ways — it’s something he’s grown into much more in his Bk. 3 and later appearances, than it seems in the few Marauders era flashbacks and stories we get. In the flashbacks and stories, he is a rule follower, and a tagalong, a good friend — but not the specific kindnesses of Lupin we see in Harry’s childhood experiences.

We think he’s a Hufflepuff Secondary, but that this is a secondary that he has lost faith in, like he has lost faith in his Gryffindor primary. Remus is hurting and he feels destructive, polluted, and wrong. He cannot trust those kindnesses to come from his hands; he cannot trust that he should be building communities and tying himself to people and groups, which is the strength and joy of a Puff Secondary, because of that internal pollution and risk. We see it, too, in his reaction to Tonks’s pregnancy. Remus wants connection, fears it, and flees. His school years were years of him fleeing, quietly, blocking out the kindnesses and connection of his Puff and clinging desperately to the effort, integrity, and rule-orientation it can also embody.


James and Snape are both Slytherin Primaries, but James has a charging, passionate Gryffindor Secondary that he shares with Lily and Sirius. 

Snape and Lupin seem to both have burned secondaries — they’ve lost their faith in the efficacy of their methods, or the worth of their own hands to use them. In safer moments, Lupin has the kindnesses and emotional investment of a Hufflepuff Secondary and Snape has the deliberate good sense of a Ravenclaw Secondary

Peter and Remus are both Gryffindor Primaries with Hufflepuff Secondaries, but Peter is gross and self-serving (and frightened).

Lily and Sirius House share entirely, with a double helping of Gryffindor for each. James, you have a type. 


Don’t worry, the general religious tag is still ’it begins in a garden’ so you can blacklist it according to your needs. BUT I got tired of looking through 26 pages just to find one post, so I’ve broken it out into some sub-tags for easy perusing.

nobody fresher (than my motherfuckin clique) – for jesus and company, including all disciples, apostles, mary magdalene and one mother of god.

as it was and ever shall be – the history of the catholic church

ask a catholic – the general tag for questions, queries, and my own takes on catholic dogma

they very much did kill jesus – religious jokes, because they’re honestly the best part.

unto the prophet spoken – discussions of the bible and the catholic canon.

and the bible didn’t mention us – quotes, poems, and extracanonical writing

houses of faith – for churches, and other holy sites.

saints and martyrs

a glory of angels

fall like lightning from heaven
(lucifer, judas, and other fallen things)

anonymous asked:

Do you agree with others that Himura Kenshin wed Kamiya Kaoru only out of pity?

This is a stupid question, and you should feel stupid for asking it.

No.  I don’t.  And the fact that you felt the need to ask this question implies such an absolute misreading of the text that I am forced to conclude that you’re either willfully and maliciously misreading it, or you suffer from mental disability so extreme that you are incapable of breathing without a teaching aide and a trained helper monkey.

It was not pity that made him willing to kill to protect her.  It was not pity that drove him into a catatonic state when he believed her dead.  It was not pity that brought him back from the edge of death for the sake of the promise he’d made her.  And it was not pity that made her the only person he said goodbye to when he left for Kyoto.

She is his most important person.  He married her because he loves her, and didn’t want to live without her.

Anyone who tries to argue otherwise is wrong.  And I don’t say that lightly.  They are wrong, they are interpreting the text incorrectly, and there is not a single scrap of canonical or extracanonical evidence to support their conclusions.  Full stop.

I did the whole in-depth exploration of canon “read ALL the author’s letters and notes and short stories and extracanonical writings!” thing with Tolkien and it’s super fun! a master class on expanding a universe and figuring out how to navigate within the rules it sets out and then sometimes ignoring them entirely

but I’m not doing it again and not with star wars, it’s a dumb monomyth about one fucked up family of space wizards who fucked up the galaxy

what happened off-screen is what I say happened off-screen

game theory

when you give it enough thought, their character arcs have far too many similarities

both characters exist as the one self-aware agent in a constantly resetting canon where the state of reality is controlled by a more often than not benign entity that has the potential to do as much harm than good

both characters have become jaded by their Sisyphean attempts to govern the changes to their universes, although candace was less easily swayed than her skeleton counterpart

however, as shown in both canons, the most dire of circumstances (see: across the second dimension, undertale’s no mercy route) prompt a conscious use of these extracanonical powers to restore the original state of events

it just makes too much sense

anonymous asked:

Have you read the version of the Christmas story in the ancient, but non-canonical, "The Infancy Gospel of Thomas"? It has lots of cool stuff including a killer scene where time stops Matrix style when Jesus is born.

Hello! I have been excited about this question since I received it last week, and I am glad that I finally have some time to respond to it. I was without internet for more or less all of last week, and despite what ericafailsatlife told me on Twitter, I wasn’t going to type out this response on my phone.

I am, as it happens, rather familiar with the Infancy Gospel of Thomas. In fact, a while ago on this very blog, I gave a blow by blow account of what happens in that particular document. (You might also want to check out that post if you are interested in the concepts of canonical, deuterocanonical, and extracanonical books of the Bible.)

If you were to look at that post, you might notice something: the account of Jesus’s birth and time standing still is not part of it; the book begins with Jesus already as a walking-and-talking age child. The story you’re thinking of actually comes from the other most prominent infancy gospel, the Gospel of James aka the Infancy Gospel of James aka the Protevangelion of James.

The bad news is, you’ve pulled a horrific boner and embarrassed yourself in front of the entire internet; the good news is, you’ve given me reason to do a write-up on another infancy gospel.

So here’s the thing: the Protevangelion is a pseudepigraphal account (meaning it claims to be written by someone it definitely was not written by) of the conception and birth of Mary, the conception and birth of Jesus, and then the horrific murder of thousands of babies and one old man. The work itself claims to be an eye-witness account of James, the brother of Jesus (or rather, according to itself, the step-brother; more on this in a second), but it was almost certainly written at the end of the first century CE, well after the real James’s mid-century death.

What happens in this bad boy? Well, despite allegedly being an account of the birth of Jesus, the stuff we would recognize as Christmas business doesn’t pop up until the final third of the book. The majority of this work is focused on Mary, and more specifically, it gets freaky specific and insistent on her forever-ever purity.

The conception, birth, and childhood of Mary are, according to this book, pure as SHIT. As faithful readers of this blog will recall, it is a mainstream belief in the Catholic church and others that Mary was conceived without the stain of Original Sin (periodic reminder that the term “Immaculate Conception” refers to the conception of Mary by Saint Anne and not the virginal conception of Jesus by Mary), but the Protevangelion goes even a step further to imply that Mary was conceived virginally as well (kind of cheapening the later miracle IMHO, but w/e), because Anne conceives Mary while her husband Joachim is out in the desert being really mad that he doesn’t have any children.

As soon as Mary is old enough to walk, Anne freaks out about the idea of her pure daughter putting her pure foot on impure ground, and so Mary’s room is converted into a sanctuary and she is kept in there and is not allowed access to impure foods or any human that is not a virginal Jewish girl.

When she turns three, Mary is turned over to the temple to be a sort of Vestal Virgin in an apparent misunderstanding of what Jewish temples were actually like, which is weird since this book was definitely written by a completely Jewish son of actual Joseph and not some rando eastern empire Roman a hundred years later. Her time in the temple was spent being hand-fed by angels. You know, for purity’s sake.

The problem, however, is that little girls eventually become big girls, and the priests of the sanctuary became terrified at the prospect of Mary’s dark vagina magic (i.e. menarche) polluting the temple, so they send out for all the men of the town to determine who would become the guardian of this twelve-year-old girl. I guess her parents were dead? Dunno, they are never mentioned again.

Anyway, among the dudes who show up as a candidate for the guardianship of Mary is a local carpenter named Joseph. God shows that he wants Joseph to watch over Mary by disappearing all the other candidates and then making a bird fly out of a stick and land on Joseph’s head. I am aware that what I just said sounds like code language, but nothing else I could say would make more sense given what God did and what flew out of what and to where.

Here is where we get the first major deviation from biblical canon (if you ignore that zero percent of anything I was just talking about appears anywhere in biblical canon): Joseph is portrayed here as an old man and a widower, who already has several children of his own. This is, as far as I am aware, the first appearance of this idea which basically serves as a retcon to make it so that the Virgin Mary is a virgin forever, which is a thing certain denominations of the church even today are basically super adamant about.

You see, the Bible says just like straight out that Jesus has at least four brothers and two sisters. Some of them went on to write books of the Bible, like Jude (note: this is a book of the Bible). But if you want to make Mary a virgin forever for some reason, how do you reconcile that? Some commentators say that the evangelists are just idiots and wrote “brothers” when they meant “cousins” or “Facebook friends” or something. Or you could go the Protevangelion route and say they were Joseph the widower’s kids from a previous marriage.

But pseudo-James goes even farther than that: in this book, Mary and Joseph are never married, nor even engaged. Joseph is old, Mary is a teenager, and Joseph treats her like she is just the grossest, cootie-riddenest girlchild he has ever seen. In fact, despite that God just appointed him Mary’s guardian by shooting a dove out of a stick like he was GOB fucking Bluth, Joseph say, “Yo, girls are gross, I’m going to build houses for four years. Take care of yourself, twelve-year-old.”

Uh, let’s see, then there’s a weird thing about some magic threads that isn’t that interesting, and then finally we get Gabriel the angel showing up to tell Mary that she’s pregnant now; this part is pretty basic Christmas jazz. She goes to see her cousin Elizabeth, who is pregnant with John the Baptist, blah blah; this is in the normal Bible.

Joseph finally comes back after literal four years building houses and Mary is six months pregnant and he fliiiiiips out, because he knows he can be killed for having sex with someone who is not his wife. He demands to know where the baby came from, and, I swear to god, Mary just shrugs and says, “I don’t know.” She…forgot, I guess?

Anyway, when the people find out that Mary is pregnant, they get really mad at Mary and Joseph, but the two both plead their innocence. In order to prove that neither of them has had sex, they do this weird ritual where they each drink some special water and then walk out into the desert. When this doesn’t kill them for whatever reason it’s supposed to kill them, the priests have to conclude that they are in fact innocent. That’s science, folks.

Then there comes to pass that decree from the emperor Augustus that you might know about coming to pass where everyone has to go to the hometown of an arbitrarily-decided ancestor for some reason in order to be counted. This means Joseph and his not-present-in-most-Nativity-scenes other sons have to go to Bethlehem, and, he decides that he probably also has to take this shitty pregnant teen WHO HE IS DEFINITELY NOT MARRIED TO with him.

Anyway, Mary, riding a donkey, eventually goes, “Hey, I’m having a baby,” and Joseph says, “Okay, let’s go into this cave.” Yeah, no stable, no manger, no ox and ass before him bowing. A cave. Joseph goes out to look for a Hebrew midwife to attend to this cave-birth, and that is when you get the scene of time freezing as Joseph walks around. Bird hang in mid-air, sheep stand still mid-stride, dudes are double-dipping mid-chew. This freezing of time marked the moment of Jesus’s birth. Time unfreezes and Joseph runs across a Hebrew midwife like he’s looking for, and he takes her back to the cave.

The cave entrance is blocked by a dark cloud, but the cloud disperses and a bright light shines out and blinds everyone. By the time the light subsides, the baby Jesus has teleported from Mary’s womb into her arms. The midwife is like, “This shit is a miracle” and goes to tell some other midwife about this miraculous virgin birth. The other midwife says, and let me assure you I am not making this up or exaggerating, “I will not believe this is a virgin birth until I can stick my finger up in that lady business and feel that hymen for myself.”

You might ask yourself, how does one’s hymen remain intact following natural childbirth? The answer lies before you if you will see: the baby teleported out of her womb in a flash of light. Anyway, the other midwife does in fact get a handful of v-j, but for her lack of faith, her hand is consumed by fire. She begs forgiveness, and then an angel appears and says, “Hey. Touch that baby with your fire hand. Peace out.” She touches the baby and her hand is healed.

The next thing that happens is a bit of continuity clean-up, which is strange, considering pseudo-James didn’t seem to care about continuity when he had Jesus born in a goddamn cave with the adult sons of an old man who is definitely not his human father standing around. Anyway, the only two canonical gospels that discuss the birth of Jesus are those of Matthew and Luke, and their accounts differ slightly in what they include. Only Matthew includes the arrival of the Magi, and only Luke includes the conception and birth of Jesus’s slightly older cousin and forerunner, John the Baptist. If you know your Bible Christmas, you might see where the continuity snag is here. I’ll wait. Think it over.

You see, the incident with the Magi includes these astrologers from the East following a star and looking for a king stopping to ask directions from Herod, who was the non-metaphorical king at that time. This makes Herod mad, so he has all children under two years of age killed, an action that is remembered today on a feast day known as the Massacre of the Holy Innocents, or Childermas.

See the glitch yet? No? Okay, well, the infant Jesus has a cousin who is only a few months older than he is. Why wasn’t baby John killed? Hold on, I’ll tell you. But first, Mary hides Jesus by wrapping him in swaddling clothes and putting him in a manger (you might recall that canonically, she and her HUSBAND Joseph flee with the baby Jesus to Egypt). I don’t know why pseudo-James decided to wait until now to add the one detail that basically everyone knows about Bible Christmas, but there it is.

Anyway, Elizabeth, the mother of John, runs off to the mountains with her baby, praying for protection. A mountain says “okay” and opens up wide and swallows them both, where they were protected by an angel. Meanwhile, the agents of Herod go searching for the baby John but find only his father, Zechariah, who refuses to give up the location of his wife and child. As such, he is summarily murdered by Herod’s men, right on the altar of the temple.

The next day, people start showing up at the temple and can’t find Zechariah. His body has been stolen and all of his blood has been turned to stone. His murder is never solved.

The end. Merry Christmas!

Why are people obsessed with deconstructing headcanons that are popular in fandom that are perfectly fine and not harmful at all? Like “Percy doesn’t like blue!!!!!!! He hates finding nemo!!!!!!!!!!!!! He actually hates pancakes and pizza and cookies!!!! Fite me on dis!!!” Like listen Karen if you really want to make yourself seem edgy then at least do so by talking about things that actually matter, like Percy’s ptsd or his relationship with his parents or Annabeth or I don’t fucking know, anything but what kind of plushy toy was his favorite as a kid. Not only is it not a matter of discussion as it’s extracanon (and tiny at that) it just makes you look stupid.

anonymous asked:

Why isn't anyone shipping Caitlin and Cisco? I mean they're chemistry is extraordinary, they obviously love and care about each other deeply. And they have like the most consistent relationship in the whole damn show. I mean anytime any one of them is in any type of danger, the other is the one that gets the most affected by it. I feel like a lot of people over look them, smh

I SHIP THEM SO MUCH. I’m in total agreement with you. Killervibe is so sweet and full of mutual support. The story of two friends pulling each other up through share tragedy and moving on together… Only to be torn apart by something else that makes him a superhero and her a supervillain????? Like, HOW COULD YOU NOT.

I’m definitely here for Caitlin/Ronnie, but Caitlin and Cisco’s scenes give me heart palpitations.

The fact that people choose other extracanonical Caitlin ships over the most beautiful and underrated one is beyond me tbh. But what can you do?

anonymous asked:

So um... I think I've asked this twice before, so I apologize if you've answered it, but no amount of google searching will turn up a response: assuming inversion theory is correct, how was Doc Scratch able to see grimdark Rose? We know Void keeps Scratch from being able to properly observe things because of how Mindfang/Vriska hid the cueball, so how was he able to observe Rose so clearly even after she went grimdark? It also seems like Rose is using a physical dark mass to block observation.

You did??

You know, I’ve had inversion theory around for quite some time, but this is the first time I recall being asked this question, which really surprises me? That’s a real discrepancy, and you’d think someone would have noticed it before now.

Regardless of the bulk of inversion theory’s tenets and proposals (like class-flipping, etc), what surrounded Rose during her grimdark state was clearly “Void”, as undeniably deliberate in-comic hints strove to communicate. The fact that Doc could see her fight with Bec Noir isn’t quite enough to DISPROVE all those hints… but it does merit explanation, which is a bit of a puzzle. *Dons investigation kukris…*

Keep reading

So my friend mizurda just came up with some really great terms for us to use when discussing recent comic events, because with this comic “you have to be able to differentiate between different types of nothing”

The intracanon void would refer to the Furthest Ring, where the dreambubbles and Horrorterrors and Green Sun are, the space between sessions.

The extracanon void would refer to the metaspace “outside of the comic”, sharing the color of the site background, where John was before, and Roxy is now on LOWAS.