expletives

procraesthetics  asked:

I wonder what would happen if Dudley grew up in the wizarding world but still as a muggle? like kind of reverse AU where his parents are dead and he has to go to Lily for whatever reason? do you think he would become bitter like Petunia about magic?

Lily remembered her sister, how there had been a time she was curious and delighted about magic, before it slowly sank in that she could look and not touch.

The last thing Petunia had said to Lily before she died was a chilly goodbye, ending a holiday dinner where they’d had a shrieking row in the entryway. Petunia had said freak and Lily had hissed better than this, better than this being my whole fucking world, Tune, do you even see yourself, are you happy–

And now here was Dudley Vernon Dursley fussing himself to sleep as Lily walked the halls of the Godric’s Hollow house. His tiny soft hands with their tiny soft fingernails curled under her chin, the same way Harry always had.

She passed James, who was gently bouncing his way up the hall the opposite way. “I think he’s asleep,” James mouthed over Harry’s tousled head. His hair was the same mess, bent down to peer at his sleeping son.

Lily stopped where she stood, her nephew heavy on her chest, her husband smiling, her sister buried. “James,” she said. “How are we going to do this?”

“Oh,” he said. “Hey. Don’t you cry, you’ll start them off– unless you need to cry, I mean, you go ahead, hey, sweetheart, hey, it’s alright, you just let it out.” He stepped forward, shifting Harry gently to his other shoulder, and pressed his forehead to hers. “We tuck them in, okay, that’s what we do next. Then we go to our own bed, okay, and go to sleep, and when we wake up it’ll be a new day.”

“A new day,” she said. “Another day– James, that’s the– I’m so tired.”

“So let’s sleep. It’ll look better in the morning,” he said. “And if it doesn’t look better this morning, it’ll look better in the next one.”

“You promise?”

“Better than that. I’ll show you. Every day,” he said and kissed her cold forehead.

Dudley had not shown up on the Potters’ doorstep with the milk bottles. Lily had gotten a phone call from the landline she still had installed in Godric’s Hollow, about an accident, and she had gone down to the Muggle police station to identify the bodies.

The cupboard under the stairs was filled with spiders, broomsticks, and the sewing machine Lily’s mother had given her when she married James– that’s all. Dudley slept downstairs. Uncle Remus taught Dudley and Harry to knock out coded messages through the wall their rooms shared.

In the backyard, beside a rickety porch and an ambitious hedge, James taught them to fly– first on little tot brooms where their toes brushed the grass the whole time, then out of the barrels of practice brooms James used for lessons and coaching Little League Quidditch.

When the boys turned ten, five weeks apart, they both got shiny new Nimbuses on Dudley’s birthday (which came first), and a set of enchanted Quidditch balls on Harry’s, to share. The Bludgers were enchanted to be very kind but Dudley spent long afternoons whacking them far afield while Harry chased the Snitch at his back.

Harry had a scar on his forehead, like a jagged bit of lightning. Dudley had no scars– the car crash that had killed his parents hadn’t touched him where he sat strapped into a car seat in the back, chewing on a stuffed dinosaur toy.

Lily did not believe in lying to the children. She was bare years off being a child herself, and spare moments on the far side of a war. When Dudley asked about his parents, she told him there had been an accident. She pulled pictures off the shelf and wrote Petunia’s old university friends for more.

Photographs came by mailman, the images still and unnatural to Dudley’s eye. Every day he’d gone out to play, for years, he’d been waving at the picture near the back door of his aunt and uncle on their wedding day, and they waved back every time.

“She was very clever,” Lily said. “Your mom liked to know everything.”

“And my dad?”

“Vernon liked… cars?” James offered. “That’s the word, right, Lily?”

“I didn’t know him very well,” Lily said. “He liked drills, I think; he worked for a firm that made them, and he talked about that a lot.”

Dudley brushed his thumbs over the dull edges of the photos. When Lily went off to Auror headquarters the next morning for work, James bundled the boys up and took them on an impromptu invisible tour of Grunnings Drill Manufacturing Inc.

They tiptoed down halls and past water coolers and ringing fellytones. They held hands under the Cloak as they dodged around the machines on the manufacturing floor, thumping and pounding and whirring away loudly enough that Harry and Dudley could whisper to each other under the noise. An elevator took them all the way up to the top floor. Harry whistled cheerily and eerily along with the elevator music while the Muggles slowly edged toward the doors and pressed floor buttons lower than they’d originally wanted.

There were boxes and cabinets and folders and desks and staticky monitor screens full of numbers strewn in endless grids. “Merlin’s knuckles,” said Harry, who was seven and a half and rather proud of this expletive. “People can look at this all day, their whole lives, and not die?”

“Work is hard work,” said James.

“At least mum gets to curse things.”

“But my dad liked it?” Dudley said, peering at a white board that was bleeding enthusiastic marker. “There’s a lot of things, here. Maybe he liked knowing things, too.”

When the boys asked about the scar on Harry’s forehead, Lily and James looked at each other. “You know how sometimes we sit with Uncle Remus and talk about a war?” James said. “Or with Ms. Amelia or Mr. Mundungus.”

“Mr. Mundungus is kinda smelly,” Harry said helpfully.

“It’s not nice to say so though,” said James, and Lily made a face.

“Are we raising them to be nice?” Lily said.

“I’m trying,” said James.

“You talk about a war,” said Harry and shrugged. Dudley nodded.

“There was a very bad man, in those days,” said James.

“Voldemort,” said Lily, and James made a face.

“He was so scary a lot of people don’t like to say his name, even now,” said James. “And he was coming after us because we had been fighting against him, in the war. He came to the house and he tried to hurt you, Harry. But it didn’t work. It hurt him instead, and gave you that scar.”

“Is he going to come back?” said Dudley, who was paler than his normal pink.

“No one’s heard of him since then,” said Lily.

“Where were you?” said Harry, because all his life they had been right there.

“Oh,” said Lily, but her throat closed up.

“We were at Dudley’s mum and dad’s funeral,” said James. “Our friend– our friend Sirius was watching you two. The bad man, he came to the house. He. Well. I.”

“Sirius died,” said Lily, one hand squeezing James’s knee and the other reaching down to brush hair off Dudley’s forehead. “You lived, Harry, and Voldemort vanished. And that’s why sometimes people stare in the streets, baby.” James tweaked Harry’s collar absently.

Two days after they had buried Lily’s sister, the Potters had stood together in the first chills of November and buried James’s brother.

Sirius had been burned off the Black family tree years before. Lily and James had talked to his cousin Andromeda, to Remus, and then they had laid him to rest in the Potter family plot. At the wake, they’d told old jokes about squirrel breath, shedding, and man’s best friend. Remus had fallen asleep on their couch and stayed for a month.

It took a two hour row with HR for Lily to get two passes to the Ministry’s Bring Your Kid To Work Day.

“He’s a Muggle.”

“He’s not,” Lily snapped. “He’s family.”

She had to get permission, sign a million forms, and she also had to take the boys in early so that Dudley could get smothered in the spells that would keep the Anti-Muggle wards around the Ministry from activating on him. “If a Muggle stumbles in somehow, they just see a funny-smelling supply cabinet and turn back around,” Lily told Dudley. He nodded and dragged Harry off by the wrist to go look at the fountain.

The windows were pouring sunlight into the underground room– the maintenance workers had just gotten a win on their contract negotiations and had banished the grimy rain-spattered windows of the previous weeks. The light hit the falling water, the golden statues, and the small excitable crowd of Ministry dependents who were gathering in the atrium. Dudley was fishing about in the fountain for Knuts to toss back out again, elbow-deep, and Harry was laughing and coming up with weird wishes to make on them.

Lily hadn’t said son. She’d said family, and that was true enough, wasn’t it? She didn’t say son– she had a son, and she had a nephew, a ward, another child who came to her after nightmares and scraped knees. It was not less, it was just words.

Lily worried about stealing more things from Petunia. Tuney had shrieked at her, in ladies’ restrooms and suburban foyers, had hissed at her in grocery store aisles and family dinners, because Lily got everything. And now Lily had her son.

Lily could just imagine it– could just see Petunia’s face twisting and chin stabbing at the air. You could have anything, and you took my son– my son!

“You left him to me,” Lily whispered, but that wasn’t quite right. “You left,” she whispered, and that wasn’t quite right either, so she strode off toward the fountain to ask the boys if they wanted to go see the Auror spellwork ranges. Dudley’s sodden shirt sleeves dripped all over the Ministry floors. Harry’s hair fell down into his eyes and they both grinned bright enough to rival the spelled sunlight.

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jeff kaplans apparently long and lurid history of writing expletive laced and vaguely overreactive rants about the everquest developers and his current career of talking about overwatch updates as if he is perpetually on the brink of very polite tears reminds of that episode of the simpsons where they reveal that flanders used to be the most destructively angry child alive and could still, in fact, snap at any moment

anonymous asked:

You have a mostly adult fan base. Why do you keep everything so G rated? You don't cuss, talk about sex, your love life or anything. Do you think we can't handle it?

Yup! That’s what I think!

Lol no!! I do talk about my love life to an extent, only to the point I, myself, am feeling up to talking to you all about it. And as much as you may think I have a mostly adult audience, I do have lots of kids who follow me, and it is a great opportunity to keep my videos accessible to them, while also discussing things that may not get to be talked about a lot in school (Black History, women’s rights, gender identity, body positivity, etc.). Future topics will cover other things like sexuality, gender identities, possibly even safe practices, but my channel is still relatively new. And it’s not just kids, a lot of people of all ages would prefer not to watch something with expletives or sexual content. It’s not that they can’t handle it, but that they would prefer not to have it, or that they would like to watch something while there are kids around. I’m not even a big curser myself, although I’m never offended if anyone were to curse around me. I’m just a big believer in keeping my videos accessible to all!

This is for @uncannycookie since I asked if they wanted anything and they requested something about Mob going with Teruki to get his ears pierced, so here it is!

But then I also found I wanted to do the entire scene and I didn’t have time to draw it all so… I wrote fanfiction for the first time in my entire life. Writing is very much not my forte so I hope I didn’t make too many mistakes. I just thought it was a cute fluffy scene. Ummm, I hope you like it! *screaming over writing*


“You didn’t have to come you know,” Teruki said as he opened the door, a bell gently chiming above them. “It’s going to be fairly quick to get done.” He held the door open for Mob before shutting it behind them, leaving behind a crisp Autumn day and becoming encased in the warm, dark interior of the shop.

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I just watched the newest Jacksepticeye video.

Throughout the video Schneeplestein tries to save Jack, starting confident but getting more and more scared and desperate as the video goes on. The glitching gets worse and worse, his voice cracks as he yells at Jack to hang in there, and at one point he even breaks out in the crazy laughter we associate with Anti.

As his patient dies Scheenplestein looks to the camera and yells to the viewer, to the audience, “I need your help! Save him, save Jacksepticeye!”

Furthermore, when he prescribes antidepressants he rants about how we need to “depress Anti” and “get him out”.

Until finally Jack dies and Schneeplestein cries out. The screen glitches and then, Anti takes over.

And the very first thing he says, establishes, is that “I am in control.”

He goes on to talk about how we all thought we had saved Jack, yet there’s a huge difference in how he presents it then all his other appearances.

I’ll direct you to his last video, the PAX appearance.

In this video, the very first thing he does is laugh. And throughout the video, he mocks the audience, revels in the fact that we thought Jack was ok, yet he was in control the whole time. He is confident and enjoying putting on a show.

He does so in the Say Goodbye video as well, along with many of his other appearances. And that is the difference.

In this video Anti is serious. Angry. Yelling in a fury that nothing gets rid of him, that he is eternal, always there. And for the first time, he curses, yelling that we are going in “fucking circles”, for the first time feeling the need to use such an expletive to portray his anger when in the past he was confident enough that he didn’t feel the need to use such accentuation.

He once again yells about how Schneeple was weak, just like the rest of them, immediately followed by once again saying he is in control. He even hits his chest in his absolute fury, waving the knife around as he yells about him being in control.

Which all leads me to believe Anti is scared.

I believe this is an act of “offense is the best defense.” A defensive front of anger that he’s never portrayed before. He yells multiple times about being in control, more times than really necessary. He does not laugh or smile and instead is furious and serious. He portrays confidence in the form of anger, when really, we know anger does not equal confidence.

This is the behavior of someone who knows they are slipping and can feel themselves losing influence, lashing out violently in what is almost a desperate attempt to scare the viewed aggressor.

He’s seen the septicsave tag, seen fans beginning to raise up and save Jack and the other egos. Before this moment the fans have only watched and done nothing and he has sat back while leaving hints that send us all into a frenzy.

People are starting to retaliate and Anti is scared.

To this, I say; support the septicsave tag. Continue to retaliate. Anti was created in the first place by us and is sustained by our ever growing excitement and attention. He is not, as he claims, all powerful, and he knows this. I remind you that while he says he is in control - he depends on us and our attention.

@therealjacksepticeye

(That being said, fantastic job on the video! I am  S H O O K  man! Congratulations to Robin and Jack for once again throwing the fandom into awesome turmoil! )

edit: you know if you’re gonna share this at least tag it septicsave please

Guys My Age (1)

Pairing: Bucky X Reader

Words: 2554

Warnings: Lap dancing. ANGST.

Summary: You’re playing truth or dare with the Avengers when Nat asks you when the last time you got laid was  and Sam dares you to pick a song that perfectly grasps why you haven’t had sex in so long.

A/N: Thanks for the anon who recommended this song. I thank the heavens I found it because it’s so fucking relevant. I can’t seem to write smut without just a tinsy bit of a plot. But here you go.

Permanent tag list: @meganlane84

Part 2 Part 3

Originally posted by haidaspicciare

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I really enjoyed creating this animation for TED talks, as a companion to Ione Wells talk. Full animation here 


@ted : After Ione Wells was assaulted, she started the #NotGuilty social media campaign and helped thousands of men and women speak out about their own sexual assaults. Not all responses to the campaign were positive – many people harshly judged her and the project. “It’s as if because they might be behind a screen, people forget that what they’re doing is a public act – that other people will be reading it and be affected by it,” says Ione. “Let us hold people to account, without descending into a culture that thrives off shaming and injustice ourselves.” To learn more about how to fight for justice online, head to go.ted.com/internetspeak

((thank you to guest writer @hurricanesunny !!!))

Michael backspaces on the seventh text he’s typed out since getting here twenty minutes ago. That, of course, doesn’t include the panicked phone call in the parking lot that he ended on the second ring or the three blurry Snaps of the sidewalk that he deleted, but who’s really counting?

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High for This

High for This by evansrogerskitten

Dean x Reader x Sam, John x Reader

A witch’s curse hexes the three Winchester men and reader, leading to a night of desire that would change things forever.

Warnings: Explicit, Smut, Voyeurism, Anal Sex, Oral Sex, Threesome (NO Wincest), Fingering, Language, Dom!John, discussion of being high, dirty talk, orgasm denial, squirting, spanking, mention of a panic attack, Feels, A lil fluff, lack of protection, canon divergence. To be clear- the characters have all consented to all sexual acts in this story. 

Word Count: 8408 | On AO3 | This is inspired by the song High for This by The Weeknd, and my first song for @mrs-squirrel-chester Album Fanficfion Challenge. 

This fic had a mind of its own but I love it. I hope you do too :)


The Impala rolled into a parking space on the street and Sam killed the engine. I straightened the sleeves of my navy fed suit, and looked over at him.

“You really think she’s going to know anything?” Sam pestered, looking through the window.

“Witnesses said two of the victims had been here to see her for readings.” I responded, climbing out of the car. I patted my jacket pocket to make sure I still had my fake FBI badge. “She does readings on love and relationships.”

Sam rolled his eyes as we walked up the sidewalk to the old house.

“What if she’s really psychic then? She’ll know we’re hunters.” Sam suggested sarcastically as he looked over his shoulder to the street.

“Then we’ll improvise. It’ll be fine, Sam.” I responded, looking around the front porch. A bright Psychic Reader sign lit up the front window.

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On The Edge With You (Spencer Reid x Reader)

My first Reid smut! Just an idea that popped in my head. PWP. Spencer Reid x Reader smut. The reader wonders just how Spencer gained his stamina in the bedroom, he shows her just how he gained that skill.


“Spencer, can I ask you something kind of,” You hesitated, “Personal?” You were both on his couch, you lying down with your feet in his lap. It was one of his rare weekends without a case or paperwork. You both opted for a quiet night in after going out to lunch.

“Sure?” He said looking up from his book, a little concerned. “We’ve been together for months Y/N, I hope you know you can ask me anything.”

“How do you last so long in bed?” You blurted out, trying to ignore the heat rising in your cheeks. You didn’t mean for it to sound so accusing. It was a valid question though, just the night before you came three times before Spencer even seemed close to finishing. It got you curious, and even a little worried.

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Number 23

Summary: Your good friends - Taehyung, Jimin and Jungkook - find your bucket list and help you fulfill the 23rd item.

Genre: PWP; Filthy, disgusting smut; (Warning: Anal; Double penetration)

Music: Heyahe by ONE (this man is a visual freak-frack-freaking it)

Pairing: Jimin x Reader, Jungkook x Reader, Taehyung x Reader (basically it’s a foursome guise)

Words: ~7,710


Originally posted by eyesmiletrash

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room for two- jjk(m)

Originally posted by rapmonsexpensivegirl

summer in New York has never been so hot.

(m)-mature / 6.5k words / roomate!jungkook / happy reading !

reqs;  jungkook accidental roommate smut? u accidentally buy the same apartment (it happens in dramas often) (+)  Can I request switch!jungkook smut? Like he starts out submissive and then bOOM! He’s dominant af


Summer in New York had never been more depressing. Or hot. Every step outside seems to melt the flesh from your bones, every memory you had of him peeled another layer off your heart. It had been three months of pure hell and although the heat made the thought of being close to anyone impossibly unbearable, you’d give anything to hold him in your arms again. But he had cheated on you, left you, and the best thing to do was move on. Or at least try.

The weather forecast predicted a humid rain, clouds shrouding the ominous sky and a layer of mystery covering the roof of your new home. Or the new home you’d be sharing with four other people. This is supposed to be the city of new beginnings and independent lives. Where one can explore themselves through the city. But sadly, as a transferred college student, the only thing you could afford was a share house in the middle of Brooklyn.  

Sucking in a deep breath, you grunt while lugging your large suitcase and duffel up the short set of stairs, banging on the door somewhat gracefully with your elbow. Almost immediately, as if you’d been waited upon, the door unlatches and an older, thinner woman appears. Her skin is somewhere between tan and gold, wrinkle lines around her eyes and mouth. The hair atop her head is swirled into an artful bun, small wisps of white-gray hair escaping the masterpiece.

“Just on time,” her voice is sweet, slow, and welcoming, stepping aside and waving you in.

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Fever Pitch

Anonymous request: Bill and his co-star are doing a “simulated” sex scene, they get aroused, are covered by blankets and decide to do it for real. *So this is pretty long! But if you read until the end, you will not be disappointed! Hope you all enjoy!*

Warnings: s m u t, nsfw, swearing, etc. 

You cup a hand over your right ear in an attempt to hear the person on the other line better, but it’s of no real use. You’re going to have to leave this party to speak to him. “Hold on a second Bill, I can’t hear you.” You inform the man on the other end and snake your way through the mass of gyrating bodies to the outside patio. When you can confirm that you’re actually alone, you continue talking.

 “I need a ride back to my trailer.” You bring the end of a menthol cigarette to your mouth, inhaling deeply.

 The silence is punctuated by an all too audible sigh out of Bill. “It’s fucking 2:47 in the morning on the morning of our final scene together and you need a ride back to your trailer? Where are you?”

 You drop the butt of the cigarette to the concrete floor beneath you and stamp the heel of your buckled boot over it. “Got invited to a crew party about a half an hour outside of the city.” You wait patiently for the expletive that inevitably falls from his mouth.

 “Fuck Y/N,” Bill hisses. “I’ll see you in forty five minutes.”

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anonymous asked:

Simon and Jace bonding over the horror of interrupting Magnus and Alec?

this is hilarious cause you sent me this 2 weeks ago and now it’s so relevant

at first it’s just slight interruptions, because jace interrupting them doesn’t just end there. it doesn’t end after he’s apologized for killing the mood and it doesn’t end after he’s finally settled into magnus’s space. no, it of course continues and it’s horrible because he just keeps doing it. they’re finally kissing and magnus’s weight against alec is so fucking sweet up against the front door. it’s everything he’s been craving, his fingers sinking deep into the muscles around magnus’s shoulder blades. magnus is kissing him like all of that anticipation rolling under alec’s skin, all stormy, is reciprocated, mirror image. and just as alec’s lips part, a low sound thick in his throat as he slides his hands down, pressing magnus closer… someone clears their throat.

alec goes still very slowly and as he does magnus gets the hint and pulls off of him. and it takes a minute but they glance over and there’s jace, with that same perturbed look on his face. “i’ve got to…” he points towards the door. and alec feels his jaw tensing up before it actually does. magnus makes a low noise of understanding, raising his brows and pulls away to open the door, letting jace through and alec just licks his lips, reaching up to rub at his forehead, trying not to allow the annoyance rumbling through him to take hold. but it does anyway and he shoots jace a glare as his blond brother heads through the door. magnus has this look on his face like he just swallowed sour milk and alec lets out a heavy sigh before he reaches out to try and pull magnus back in.

but magnus just chuckles, taking alec’s fingers and squeezing them. “i think the mood has been sufficiently killed.”

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