The Zodiac Signs as Crises

Existential Crisis: Scorpio, Aquarius, Pisces

Procrastination Crisis: Aries, Taurus, Cancer, Virgo

Midlife Crisis: Gemini, Leo, Libra, Sagittarius, Capricorn

Horrorscope

Find out the scariest moment of your life (that has yet to occur) based on your star sign!

Aries: Glowing lavender eyes blinking at you from the ceiling of your unlit bedroom.

Taurus: You wake up to the sound of someone breaking into your house in the middle of the night. You call the police, and in your voice they answer, “You are wrong. There is no one there. There is no one anywhere.” You hang up and decide to make a run for it. On your way out, you crash into someone who looks exactly like you. “What are you doing in my house?” they scream. You catch a glimpse of your reflection in a window.  You are not who you thought you were. 

Gemini:  An amorphous tentacled creature lurching toward you from the opposite end of a dark alleyway.

Cancer: Wickedly sharp claws attached to the had of a close friend. She swears it’s just the latest trend. You swear this “trend” is drawing much more blood than it should.

Leo: There is a black hole in the bottom of your mug. It is small. It is strong. It is growing.

Virgo: A package has arrived on your doorstep. You didn’t order anything. You open the box and your own eyes blink up at you.

Libra: A rustic mirror, perhaps hundreds of years old. You swear that your reflection is moving just a touch slower than you are…

Scorpio: You enjoy singing along to the radio.The radio enjoys singing with you. It has fallen in love with you and resolved to destroy anyone who may get in its way. Violently.

Sagittarius: A white, unmarked van. The man at the wheel offers you a wolfish grin and promises there’s candy inside. You enter the van and it is, indeed, filled with candy, but every piece is filled with coconut. Even the lollipops. You scream.

Capricorn: A Tuesday. This particular Tuesday is accompanied by the realization that melancholia will eternally color your life. You are fine. You are fine. You are fine.

Aquarius: One day, while you are swimming, something brushes your leg. You don’t see anything, but whatever it was chills you to your core for reasons you can’t explain. You never do find out what it was, but you often wake up in a cold sweat from dreaming about it. You can almost see it… it’s hungry

Pisces:  A train. Unmoving. But for some reason you can’t explain, you are hurtling towards it rapidly.

  • how I used to be: omg i cant believe anyone would think the government would lie to us.
  • me now: the moon landing was faked, the moon is a damn hologram, elvis didnt die, 9/11 was completely an inside job, our whole history is a lie, the government is out to get us and could kill me any minute now and make it so nobody knows of my existence.