exhumed corpse

The Call of the Wild Burrito

So I got a request from @sassyspn67 that says:

“Reader in spn gag reel pls!!!!!!! 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘 funny things”

Here’s my best attempt at this; I hope it’s funny enough, and thanks for the request!

Word count: 1329

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“God damn it, Jared! Get it together!” you crow, hitting his shoulder with the back of your hand. “We’ve done this like thirteen times!”

“You’re still new here, [Y/N], but Jared is always gassy,” Jensen tells you, grinning slightly. As if on cue, Jared releases another blood curdling fart that nearly makes you gag.

“All right, that’s a cut!” the director calls as Jared bursts into laughter. “Take five to settle and we’ll get back to this.”

“We’re so close to being done!” you groan, falling back into the chair you were supposed to have just been freed from.

You hear the snap just too late to get up, and you tumble backwards onto the set floor into the fake puddle of blood.

“God damn it!” you screech, lifting yourself from the red goo.

“What was that?” Jensen asks, holding his gun up and aiming down the hallway behind you.

“I thought we killed them all!” Jared says, his eyes widening as he looked over Jensen’s–sorry, Dean’s–shoulder.

They really chose right now of all times to get into character?

After the past ten minutes of trying to film this scene with zero successes because of Jared’s butt cheek screeching, now they decide to get into this?

Of fucking course they do, because they’re Jared and Jensen. Sam and Dean. Whoever the fuck they are right now.

“You okay?” Dean asks, and you roll your eyes.

“I’m fine, and you two are stupid,” you snap, wiping your hands off on your pants, since you’d have to get a wardrobe change anyways.

“One of them obviously broke the chair!” Sam says, sending you a subtle wink as his back turned to the camera. He mouths, “Go with it.”

“Did you hear that?” Dean asks, looking back at you. “Down the hall. Sounded like Sasquatch.”

“That was Sam’s ass,” you return, shooting him a look. Dean snickers but holds his composure for the most part.

Why couldn’t they do this while filming?

God, you hoped someone was getting this for the gag reel though. Their ideas were always wild, and who knew? This could be the next “Eye of the Tiger.”

“I had a burrito for lunch!” Sam cries as Dean starts down the prop hallway. You roll your eyes but go along with it, following the taller male as he followed his brother.

“Look!” Sam says, gesturing to the red paint on the wall that was supposed to look like blood later on in the scene.

You know, the part that you couldn’t film because Sam’s butt trumpet was acting up? Yeah, that one.

Dean presses his fingertips to the red liquid and then touches it to his tongue.

“Cherry pie filling,” he whispers, and Sam snorts. “Wait…”

He sniffs his fingertips twice, looking back to the two of you.

“Smells like sulfur to me,” he says with a wicked grin. “Looks like we got a demon on our hands!”

“Or it’s still Sam’s ass,” you state, wondering how long they were going to play this off.

It was kind of funny, to he honest, how witty they were. How they just seemed to know what train of thought each other were on, and how to improvise so well.

“Wait, so…” Sam swallows and looks around the set, pointedly avoiding the camera. “We have smell, taste, sound… It had to have touched the chair, so we have touch… We just need sight.”

“What if it’s invisible?” you ask, and they both look at you with wide eyes.

“Damn these demons are getting craftier and craftier,” Dean says, cocking his gun. “Come out, come out, you invisible son of a bitch.”

“Damn it, Dean! Don’t call it to us!” you cry, smacking his arm. Okay, this was a little bit of fun. “It might not even be a demon!”

“She’s right,” Sam says, and you struggle to keep a straight face as Sam’s stomach rumbles loudly. “What was that?”

He turns so quick you think he might get whiplash, and you rush into action since neither of them seem to know where to go with the improvised scene.

You pretend to aim a kick beside Sam, punching at nothing as though fighting an invisible foe.

Pressing your hands to your neck as though trying to pull off invisible hands, you drag yourself through the doorway and then scream.

“Where did she go?” Dean runs into the open doorway, but you don’t see the camera following him. He holds his finger up to his lips, signaling for you to remain quiet. “She’s gone, Sam! She disappeared!”

He rushes away, and you have to stifle your laughter as you hear them run down the hallway.

You bury your face into your hands and laugh quietly as your shoulders shake.

God, those two were a hoot.

“Sam, help me!” you cry through the doorway. “Dean!”

“She’s back there! Go, go, go!” Dean yells, and you hear the thundering footsteps coming toward you.

“Where is she? I don’t see her!” Sam yells as he leans through the doorway. He looks right at you, and you crack up slightly as Dean pokes his head in beside Sam.

“Maybe she’s invisible too!” Dean says, looking to Sam. “Check the room! Maybe you’ll bump into her!”

They both stumble in, hands outstretched while roaming around. You see the cameraman come in and focus on Dean, since filming Sam would put you in the shot, too.

Finally, Sam’s big hand lands on your arm, and he yells loudly. The camera switches over to you, and you make it look as if you were just turned visible once again.

With a loud scream.

Dean sees the two of you and starts to yell loudly, jumping up and down while waving his hands.

As though one being, you and Sam both start yelling and mimicking Dean until the crew filming the three of you are laughing loudly.

Finally, Jensen can’t hold it in any more and starts laughing his ass off, and Jared follows suit.

You even manage to crack a smile for a few moments before the Sam’s ass lets loose another yodel, and then you absolutely fucking lose it.

Sam shoots upright, trying to get into character while simultaneously stopping his laughter.

“Wait,” he laughs a few times and lets out a breath. “Wait, I think…” He laughs again, and by this point Jensen is nearly in tears. “I think I heard it again.”

“Sam, the only monster here is your ass trying to exhume the dinner corpse,” you say, and he doesn’t even try to hold character any longer.

“Shit, this is definitely going in the movie,” Jensen exhales after a few moments.

“You three done?” the director calls, and you stifle a giggle. “All right, let’s get [Y/N] a wardrobe change and start this over. Let’s run it from the top and get it done so we can go home.”

You sigh and make your way to get a change of jeans and a new jacket from wardrobe, and by the time you make it back to the set, Jensen and Jared are back in place where the scene had been before all of your shenanigans.

“We good?” Jared asks you as you take your place in the new chair they’ve placed, since you managed to break the other one.

“As long as your rectal turbulence is,” you return, and a fresh round of laughter erupts.

“Focus,” the director calls, and the three of you manage to get into place. “And…”

In the span of the two and a half seconds of silence before the director calls “Action,” Jared releases the loudest ass acoustics of the night.

You let out a weak whine as you try to keep a straight face.

“Did you hear that?” Jensen asks, his eyes wide. “I think it’s back.”

You burst into laughter and Jared does, too.

God, this was going to be a long scene to film if they kept this up.

2

There’s a grave in the middle of the road in Franklin, Indiana. As the story goes, there was once a cemetery where the road now is and when they were turning it into a road some of her family had a problem with moving her grave, so she remained and they added a plaque for her. In 2016, Barnett’s remains were temporarily moved so they could repair the street. At this time they decided to exhume her corpse and ended up finding remains of not just Barnett, but six others.

This is what it looks like as of 2016, after its remodel. It’s literally in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by cornfields and some random houses around, but cars were lining up to see it the whole time I was there today.

Who in House Fortemps You Should Fight

Haurchefant de Fortemps - I will fight you
Haurchefant is the Minfilia of the expansion, in that he only spreads love and sunshine wherever he goes.  He’s so proud of you and of everything you accomplish, why would you ever want raise a hand against him.  Go and ask yourself why you have to be such a horrible person before you even think about fighting Haurchefant again.

Count Edmont de Fortemps - No
This man is the sweetest, most kind-hearted Elezen you’ll ever meet in Ishgard.  He opens his doors to you despite only knowing what Haurchefant has told him, and not totally believing all of it.  You could be a lying cheat for all he knows and he still optimistically trusts you enough to give you room and board for nothing.  He sees the good you can do for the people of Ishgard and he wants to help you in any way he can.  He suffers so much on your behalf, please don’t fight him.

Artoirel de Fortemps - Maybe
Not gonna lie, Artoirel is kind of a dick.  You could blame it on him being the first in line to become head of House Fortemps, and the pressures that come with that, but he’s still a jerk who lowkey wanted you to die by heretic the first time you met.  Seriously, he was fully prepared for you to get fucking murdered in the western highlands.  Later on his opinion of you improves and he apologizes, so like, don’t fight him too hard?  But still fight him.  He kind of deserves it.

Emmanellain de Fortemps - Depends on who you ask
You hear differing opinions of Emmanellain all over the place.  Some people say he’s the walking concentrated essence of fuckboy, others think he’s just a stupid kid who shouldn’t be judged too harshly.  The fact of the matter is he’s both at once.  Being a stupid kid has made him into a fuckboy which gives him leave to be more of a stupid kid.  You could win a fight against him, hands down, but just remember that his dad already hits him, so the fight might not have the intended effect.

The Countess de Fortemps - I will pay you
Fight her.  Please fight her.  She made baby Haurchefant’s life hell, please for the love of god exhume her dusty ass corpse and fight her.  I don’t give a shit that she was angry about Edmont’s affair, it wasn’t Haurchefant’s fault.  If you’re shitty to a kid you deserve to be fought for all eternity.  I will seriously pay you to find her skeleton and fight it.  I have like 28$ in quarters and it will be yours if you just kick her ass.  Please.  Do it for Haurchefant.  And quarters.  But mostly Haurchefant.

The Usual Suspects - Part 1

Word Count: 2462

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Warnings: Language

A/N: This one is weird to write. Italics are all flashbacks to prior to the arrest. 

Series Rewrite Masterlist


“Don’t damage my delicate wrists…I will have you buried for police brutality so fast you won’t even know what hit you.” You spat as you and Dean were being led down a hallway in handcuffs. They tossed you in one interrogation room and Dean in the other, cuffed you to the table, and slammed the door in your face. “Rude!” You screamed and started pulling on your handcuffs.

Keep reading

2

This Day In Crime History
Ed Gein Dies

On July 26th 1984, American murderer and body snatcher Ed Gein died aged 77 at the Mendota Mental Health Institute.

Ed Gein committed his crimes around Plainfield, Wisconsin. Gein’s crimes became notorious when authorities discovered he exhumed corpses from graveyards, and made trophies and keepsakes from their bones and skin. Gein confessed to killing two women. At his first trial he was found unfit to stand, but in 1968 he was found guilty but legally insane and sentenced to a psychiatric hospital.

In popular culture, Ed Gein’s crimes have been used. Silence Of The Lambs, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Rob Zombies ‘House Of 1000 Corpses’

2

In 1892, Rhode Island became home to one of the most well-documented examples of the Great New England Vampire Panic of the late 19th century. Exeter resident Mercy Brown and her family were the victims of a tuberculosis outbreak which killed several of Mercy’s family members over a period of several years. 

Locals believed the family to have fallen under an evil curse, and some of the bodies were exhumed in order to judge whether or not they were members of the legion of the undead. While the first two corpses exhumed showed normal signs of decomposition and were declared not to be vampires, Mercy was not so lucky. Her body, which was held in a freezer-like, above ground tomb, showed almost no signs of decomposition.

This led local officials to conclude that she was, in fact, a vampire. Her body was desecrated in order to break the curse, then moved to her final resting place in the Chestnut Hill Baptist Church cemetery in Exeter. It was believed that removing the vampire’s heart would destroy it permanently. In order to cure Mercy’s brother, who was suffering from tuberculosis at the time of her exhumation, her heart was burned and mixed with water for him to drink. Folklore at the time stated that this would cure his illness, but he tragically passed away two months later in spite of their efforts.

Several novels have been based on Mercy’s story, and some say Bram Stoker himself used her as an inspiration for the character of Lucy in Dracula. The film Almost Mercy, released in May 2015, is inspired by her story as well.

   The Death of Inês de Castro, 1834, oil on canvas by Karl Briullov, Russian, 1799-1852.

    Inês de Castro was a Galician noblewoman best known as lover and posthumously recognized as the wife of Peter I of Portugal. She was ordered murdered by Peter’s father, King Alfonso IV. Peter took revenge on her killers

  There is a legend she was coronated by Peter, who exhumed her corpse after her murder in the monastery of Santa Clara in Coimbra, Portugal. She has been the frequent subject of art, music and drama over the years.

   Briullov was a key figure in the transition from neoclassicism to romanticism in Russian art.

Exhumed Corpse - “Mortem Obire” (Robert & Leopold 2011)

I wasn’t going to review this, I just wanted to listen to it, but it as it has been lately, this tape is fucking incredible and the world needs to know about it.  Exhumed Corpse is Sam Wagner, a dude I don’t know anything about, he looks really familiar.  The tape is just what I needed this morning.  Two long, evil, dark ambient soundscapes.  There is a distant keyboard somewhere in there, buried beneath years of delay and reverb; as well as a thick layer of manipulated synth.  Great tape.

-Log. 

please leave anne frank alone its bad enough you are all trying to exhume sappho’s corpse but leave anne frank out of your shitty discourse stop speculating on her sexuality oh my god she is a    child  

she does not deserve this literally just stop dragging anne frank into your arguments its bad enough john green made her some weird symbol of martyrdom to chronic illness in his shitty novel hasnt she suffered enough

dinner with a friend
  • me: hey what do you want to eat
  • friend: i could really go for some curry
  • me: *throws decomposed skeleton at my friend* here you go man
  • friend: OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK
  • me: oh, i see. you wanted curry as in the Indian food. haha, i thought you said Currie as in the great Canadian war hero, General Arthur Currie, famed for his training program using a model of Vimy Ridge, which allowed his troops to easily take what was, for Triple Entente forces at the time, a very difficult area to even approach, let alone attack. Obviously my exhuming of his corpse was inappropriate.

How much longer until the entire Civil War is painted as ‘good v evil’ and the Confederates just your archetypical ‘bad guys’?

No more tragic “brother against brother” narrative. With the corpse exhuming, it seems pretty clear where mainstream leftist thought is going.