ღ 67 Things Stevie has taught me ღ
1. Always follow your dreams because magic is real if you believe in it.
2. Sometimes, you have to choose between your great love and your career. You might choose your career, and that’s OK.
3. Never let a man tell you what to do. Switch tenses like it’s gone out of style. After all, you’re practically Bob Dylan.
4. Never let anyone know every single thing about you. Keep some ‘you’ for yourself.
5. Mysteriousness is sexy. You don’t need to wear a bikini to prove this to anyone.
6. You should wear a bikini, though, because it’s your right to wear whatever the hell you want.
7. You may not ever become a mother, but that’s okay. You may inspire more young girls than you can even imagine.
8. There’s no such thing as too many selfies and don’t let anyone tell you other wise and this is coming from the woman who invented the selfie. Excuse me, *self portrait.
9. Wash your make-up off every night.
10. Players only love you when they’re playing.
11. Your ex will move on, but it’s important to remain soft. Bitterness isn’t attractive.
12. If you ever feel alone in the world, adopt a yorkie. Problem solved.
13. Be kind to women. The world is hard enough on us already. Support each other.
14. Keep your best friend’s pianos. In other words, never give up on your friends even when they’re going through something.
15. NEVER do drugs. Self explanatory.
16. If your doctor tells you you need klonopin, run the other direction.
17. The world won’t end if you gain 50 pounds. Shed the weight and start again.
18. A black dress is a wardrobe essential.
19. You may have been born 5 feet tall, but there’s always platform shoes.
20. Joe Walsh is a jackass.
21. If you film a movie in your house, find one outfit you look good in and buy 5 of them. Wear nothing but this outfit and you won’t be upset with the way you look in any of the scenes when you see the final cut.
22. If you have questions, find the answers while you can. Life is short.
23. Respect your colleagues. They’re not your competition, they’re your allies.
24. Never let a man put his hands on you.
25. Sleeping with band members creates more problems than it fixes. Apply this to your own situation.
26. It’s okay to be an introvert. And even if you’re not, spend time with yourself. Write poems. Be creative.
27. Never forget the work of past feminists. They worked hard to create a world where you can be an unmarried 67 year old woman. Don’t let the world tell you who to be.
28. You have the right to an abortion. But make sure it’s what you want.
29. Sometimes, people are meant to fall in love, but they’re not meant to be together. It’s a terrible concept, but it’s life.
30. If you don’t make a good scaredy-cat, you might as well be brave.
31. Don’t date rockstars. They’re the ultimate fuckboys.
32. Fight menopause to the death, because it won’t mix well with your career.
33. Botox is a TOXIN. Do you really want that stuff in your skin? You don’t.
34. One day, you might see your ex with his new wife and children and think that you made a mistake. So, if you want kids, have them. Just remember that it’s very difficult, if not impossible, to be both a great mother and a great career woman. One will end up suffering.
35. Don’t be a stupid girl singer, or a stupid girl lawyer, or a stupid girl doctor. Don’t be a stupid girl anything. Be more than that.
36. If you’re ever lost, look to the moon. It seems to connect us all. Wear a necklace in case you forget.
37. You have your own life and you are stronger than you know. Don’t surround yourself with people who make you feel otherwise.
38. Say thank you to veterans and remember that your freedom doesn’t exactly come free.
39. Beyonce’s not skanky. Be Sasha Fierce every chance you get.
40. Twirling around a room with a shawl is perfectly acceptable at any age. It’s also a great form of exercise.
41. Stay away from older men who are only interested in 25 year old girls. It’s a losing battle and it’s not one you want to fight.
42. If your best friend dies and I pray they don’t, marrying their spouse is not the best idea.
43. You may find your self 67 years old and single, and that’s OK. Here’s to hoping for a better love life at 75.
44. Adorn your entire life with lace, velvet, and chiffon.
45. Do not air your dirty laundry on Myspace and Facebook. That’s for little girls. You’re a big girl.
46. You may build your entire life around someone, but things change. It’s something you have to accept.
47. If Stevie can make it through the hamburger helper phase, you can make it through this day.
48. Rod Stewart is very particular about wine getting on his carpet. Important to know if you ever go to one of his parties.
49. In the midst of sewing crescent moons on your boyfriend’s jeans, never forget who you are. Maybe you don’t mind waitressing, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you should be the one to give up your gift.
50. Of course you can wear sunglasses everywhere you go. Your future is so bright you’d go blind without them.
51. When you’re old and wise, find your Lily Rabe and mentor the fuck out of her.
52. Knowing all of the words to “Country Grammar” by Nelly doesn’t make you any less of lady.
53. Decide how much having bigger boobs is important to you before you get implants. No surgery is without risk.
54. Releasing a live dove on stage is not as easy as one might think.
55. Top hats are not just for Abraham Lincoln.
56. Animal crackers can be addictive. Not quite as addictive as klonopin, but they make the list. Try swapping these out for some yoghurt.
57. Sleeping with another man’s husband won’t make you the woman, it’ll make you the home wrecker. That’s not what you want to be.
58. Keep your rings on a chain, that way you won’t lose them.
59. You don’t need art lessons to be an artist. Just start drawing.
60. Don’t trade your witches of the canyon for a love, even a great one.
61. Have no fear. Have only love.
62. If you dress like a hooker, people will treat you like one. Likewise, if you’re not a feminist, you’re already being taken advantage of.
63. You may be a rat and the love of your life may be a boa constrictor. That doesn’t mean he’s not the love of your life, but it does mean you’re going to have some tough choices to make.
64. Relationships end. Exs move onto 3rd wives. You’ll want to get revenge, but you cannot throw people under the bus in the process. But you can write a song. Whatever you do, make sure it’s tasteful. Unless they’re 90 and they don’t care. Then, yes, go the vengeful memoir route.
65. Don’t skip out on a vacation because you think you’re fat. In 20 years, you’ll look back on old pictures and think you look great.
66. Watch soap operas before they become extinct and get replaced with more shitty reality TV.
67. Above all, be gracious. If nothing else.