excerpts and quotes

The first sin you commit is when you meet his eyes for the first time and your heart falls to your stomach. Your hands and lips fall loose, blood rushes to your cheeks. The devil stares back at you in all of his glory and you are parched for a taste of his religion.

The second sin you commit is when you talk about him with all of your friends. You’re going to try and convince them that he’s good for you and they won’t agree, but you were never going to listen to them anyways. He’s sitting inside your head with his fingers plunged inside your brain.

The third sin you commit is when you stand in front of the mirror and scold yourself for what you ate for dinner. You’re never going to fit into that dress that you brought specifically for him to like now, are you?

The fourth sin you commit is when you sacrifice your standards to meet his. You like the attention that he makes you beg for, because you have convinced yourself that nobody is going to want you like him. You are a victim of desperation and loneliness and he acts like he has never felt either of those things.

The fifth sin you commit is when you become an addict. All you ever think about is him. You’ll wonder if he thinks about you too, already knowing the answer. You’ll try to master the art of analyzing his behavior because he works like a cycle. The thought is going to bother you, but of course, you’re going to ignore it because your addiction will blind you.

The sixth sin you commit is when you say that you love him. You don’t. What you feel is not love. What you feel is toxic. What you feel will lead you to break, because love is not meant to bruise you more than it is meant to treat you with care. Sharp edges of his teeth are piercing apart your skin and you’re still begging for him to kiss you, don’t you get it?

The seventh sin you commit is when you admit to yourself that you were never going to be enough for him anyways. You’ll belittle yourself by calling yourself naive and it’ll drive you insane. You’ll count your flaws and suffocate. He’s going to sit back and watch you drown. You’re still madly going to hope that he’ll save you. He won’t.

Your smile lights up my day. I love seeing you smile. Your laugh fills ears. I love your laugh. I love seeing you happy. Never stop being happy.
—  smile // 12:27pm
I had a dream that we kissed last night. And suddenly, I prefer sleeping to reality.
—  Dreaming of You (h.c)
I always felt like I knew you inside and out like the palm of my hand, but I guess I didn’t. If you I knew you that well I wouldn’t be as surprised as I was when you left.
—  The moment I realized you didn’t know me at all
do we ever think about the hearts we break? i still feel bits of you in my hands, i still feel warmth of you in my veins. my apologizes are wrapped into bottles of alcohol you drink in hopes to forget. maybe one day time will work in our favor. i left one last piece of my love into your arms and took one last piece of your dreams into my heart. do we know real absence until we lose the one we love? we still write promises into every step we take. we still kiss stars into every lullaby we whisper. do we ever think of each other? maybe at the same time, maybe into different fractions, maybe never, maybe too fast, maybe too late. these maybes are getting me crazy. maybe i miss you maybe i don’t. maybe you love me maybe you never did. i can’t think straight. the light is gone, the truth has run wild, the words are useless. the lies hurt less when we spin them around us pretending not to see, the truth hurts more when our heart is blind. when do we think when it’s too early or too late? will there ever be a right time for us?
—  k.m
the harder remembering gets,
the easier it is to let go.
—  our memories are fading
I saw you in the halls today and your hair is starting to grow out again and it’s almost covering your eyes and you still wear that same old jacket even though it’s too small for you now and you met my eyes for the first time in months and I really wish you would stop looking like the person I used to know so I could stop pretending that you still care.
—  Journal Entry; 24 March 2017
These 50 days while he is away are going be miserable but you know what keeps me going? He’s going to be back and kiss me like he never left in the first place. He is going to come back and tell me he loves me more than anything and everything will be worth it.
The longer you like someone,
The more you see their flaws.
The flaws that make them others run away.
But if you stay to like them,
Despite their flaws.
You know you no longer like them,
You love them.
Even if they do not.
—  || like to love
i don’t desperately hope that you love me back tomorrow. and maybe you never will. but one day, when we’re older and you’re sitting there, i hope you think of me and how the colour of your coffee reminds you of my eyes.
—  and i’ll think about how the warm morning sun reminds me of your smile.
You know the way the sky looks right before a big storm? It’s this obscure darkness, with just the smallest bit of light peeking through. The air is warm, but the feeling of the wind that’s picking up speed overpowers the warmth. And you’re scared, but you’re excited. Your heart races and you can feel yourself getting goosebumps because you’re not quite sure what will happen next. Then it finally hits. The rain is cold, but against your skin it’s calming. And you take a breath and you can taste the saltiness of the air. You can swear your heartbeat aligns with the rhythm of the rain hitting the pavement. The wind is tearing things apart and the rain is flooding the streets and you’re right in the middle of it all but, you’re okay. You’re no longer in the storm, you are part of it. You are the eye of the storm, of your storm. In these moments nothing can knock you off of your feet.
—  what a beautiful mess

the man on the moon
whispered down to me
“if you stay a while
you will be filled with glee”
so on and on
i stuck it out
and soon enough
i lost my doubts
and life got better
and i no longer had to shout
i found friends to stick by me
and lovers that pass and flee
but all in all
in the short time that i have lived
i have learned to love
and what a privilege it is
i have learned that love is gentle
and that there are good people too
so the man in the moon looked back down on me
and when he realized i now had courage to stay
he shined a little brighter
and helped me find my way

And the night got darker. The only light was her. She shown as bright as a star, but was hidden amongst the clouds of her own fears. For to shine bright, she had to show herself. This is not who she was. The brightest stars are sometimes covered by their clouds. Even if the clouds are only visible to her.
and have you ever felt for anything
such wild love–
do you think there is anywhere, in any language,
a word billowing enough
for the pleasure

that fills you,
as the sun
reaches out,
as it warms you

as you stand there,
—  Mary Oliver, ‘The Sun’