excerpt from a book i'm writing

You ever have those nights that make you feel incredibly lonely despite knowing you have people who care about you? And for some reason you just want to lay in bed and not associate with anyone or do anything even though you know it’ll make yourself feel less that way.

What sucks is to watch yourself slowly fall back into old habits that you’ve tried a million times to break. It’s like every time I find myself climbing out of this deep hole, I slip right back in. Why am I such a failure?
You’re the one I want to go on late night drives with while holding hands and singing along to the radio, to drive to the middle of no where and look up at the stars while in each other’s arms, the one to kiss at red lights, the one to hold tightly in my arms, the one to go to coffeehouses with while having tired eyes, the one to be mine while I am yours.
What if someone who is so constant suddenly disappears out of your life? Maybe that’s why, I don’t like getting attached. I don’t like the idea of giving someone the power to destroy my heart by choosing to walk away. I want to guard my heart. I want to save myself.
I miss you. I won’t admit that to your face, or over text, but right now my heart feels like it’s shattering over and over again and I just want you right now.
—  An excerpt from a book I’ll never write. (#60)
I miss you, I don’t have a best friend anymore, sure I have close friends, but no one is there like we were for each other. I hope you miss me too.
—  give me a call
Six months of being away has made some of my feelings for you die down. But, I think a part of me will always love you. Even though I will never say it to you for many reasons, I can’t deny the fact that you were my first love. You were the one that made me realize that I was not the person who I thought I was. And for that, thank you.
Did you tell her you love her?”
“She knows.”
“That’s not what I asked. Everyone knows. But she deserves to hear it from you.
—  from an unfinished story #735
i am doing a terrible job
at forgetting you
because i dreamt
about you last night
and your facial features
appeared so neatly.
especially a year after i last saw you.
—  i’m pretty bad at moving on, i guess.

“I’m so tired of loving you in my sleep and waking up alone.”

–a special kind of hell

I wish someone would’ve just sat me down, five years ago, ten years ago even, and told me how much growing up would feel like digging my soul out of my body by teaspoons and burying it.
—  from an unfinished story #810
You are beautiful, not necessarily by looks
But by the way you speak and think
By the way you act with love instead of hate
And how you chose to love others
It’s beautiful, you are beautiful

And maybe it was the best thing to do. To stop chasing someone who did nothing but hurt you.

Promises // ma.c.a

I’m not the same person you fell in love with, nor will I ever be that same person again. My heads gotten a tad darker, and my hearts’ gotten a tad colder, but I still know who I am. There’s a lot that’s changed about me, yes, but the way I look at you and want to grab your hand every time you’re around has never changed. My love for you has never changed darling.
—  An excerpt from a book I’ll never write. (#58)