except for nitori

au where everything is the same except for inappropriately-timed puns
  • Nitori: Thanks so much for coaching me, Yamazaki-senpai!
  • Sosuke: No problem.
  • Nitori: I owe you one, so if you need anything any time, just let me know and I'll LEND YOU A HAND.
  • Sosuke: D:
  • ...
  • Haru: Look. I know we've had our differences in the past...
  • Sosuke: Yeah? Where are you going with this?
  • Haru: ...but hey, you're a friend of Rin's, so I think we should make an effort to get along. So I'd really appreciate it if you...
  • Sosuke: ...
  • Haru: ...stopped giving me the COLD SHOULDER.
  • Sosuke: Oh for fucks' sake.
  • ...
  • Rin: Sosuke, you REALLY need to stop working so hard. We're all worried about you-
  • Sosuke: No, seriously, I'm fine.
  • Rin: You're not. It's like your carrying the entire Samezuka swim team on your SHOULDERS!
  • ...
  • Makoto: Hey, Sosuke, I heard you were going through a fairly tough time...
  • Sosuke: Yeah. You could say that. My swimming career is in ruins, I've got basically no future plans, Rin has a shit ton of other friends, I'm in pain pretty much all the time, and to top it ALL off, everyone keeps making these god-awful shoulder puns around me.
  • Makoto: D: That must be hard. Hey, I know we've only just met, but I already kinda think of you as a friend, so...
  • Sosuke: Really? :)
  • Makoto: ... I just want to let you know that if you ever need a SHOULDER to cry on, I'm here.
  • Sosuke: OH FOR THE LOVE OF-

Okay let’s talk about track 10 in the drama CD.

So there’s this

Rin: Yo, Makoto. I’ve been waiting.
Makoto: Rin! I was so surprised when you called me and said, “come to Samezuka right now!” Did something happen?

So I was like hmmmm somehow this really sounds familiar

haha WHAT?!!

And then there’s this

Rin: So, Makoto! You’re coming too!
Makoto: Wahh, why?! Wait, stop pulling me!



And this

Makoto: Oh? Haha. So in the end, you really are a nice person.

So like…



This track is basically MakoRin doujinshi’s rip off like seriously KyoAni are you for real lolololol.

And is anyone gonna talk about Rin introducing the stray cat he picked up to Makoto while nobody else knows about it? (except for Nitori because he’s basically Rin’s stalker.)

The translation of the drama cd is quoted from shiroxkagami@tumblr.

The first and second panels are from MakoRin doujinshi ‘Unmei Ja Nai Hito’ by Kiri, scanlated by ruritto@tumblr and translated by yefione@tumblr.

The last panel is from MakoRin doujinshi 'Love Affairs’ by American Rock/ Kotarou, scanlated by Sabapple and translated by Ebil Trio.

((I tried to combine these somehow…I lost my first version, and I wrote like a million things afterwards, but I just never got over how much I loved my first version and I lost it………………..But it’s about damn time Momo finds out, so…Here we go…))



‘’Hey, Starky! Come on! Don’t run away! I just wanna pet you a little…!’’ Momo was chasing after the little bunny that was jumping all over the room. The animal was fast. ‘’Damn, he got under the bed…Come ooon, get out! I’ll give you a treat!’’

Momo kneeled on the floor and looked under the bed…But another thing caught his attention soon.
He dragged it closer.
‘’Oh? How exciting! A mysterious box!’’

Momo opened it without hesitation finding, among other strange…’Objects’…A few magazines.
‘’Mmm? Could these be…Porn magazines? NICE! They must be senpai’s…’’

Momo picked one and sat on the bed. The cover was weird, but he was still curious so he started flipping the pages.
‘’Wo…There are a lot of penises…’

He stopped smiling gradually, when he started to understand.


‘’Momo-kun! I’m back!’’ Nitori greeted. He froze in his position when he saw Momo sitting on the bed, with the magazine still in his lap and a very dark expression on his face…

‘’Oh, dammit. Momo-kun…I wanted to tell you…’’ Nitori felt bad immediately.

‘’…Too late.’’ Momo seemed distant.

‘’I’m really sorry…I didn’t want to keep it a secret, but…’’

‘’Don’t. It’s not like it’s your fault…Besides, I kinda suspected it…’’


‘’Yeah, this explains everything. I’m so embarrassed.’’


‘’Don’t pretend this is not embarrassing…’’ Momo glared at Nitori for the first time. He seemed miserable for some reason.

‘’Momo-kun…I don’t think…’’

‘’I thought my penis was ok. Hell, not the biggest penis ever, but OK. But now…Looking at these pictures…I realize how wrong I was…’’

Nitori couldn’t believe his ears. ‘’E..Eh?’’

‘’Just look at this penises! Look at them!!!’’ Momo cried, over dramatically.


‘’And now look at mine!’’ Momo got up, determined to take his pants off…But Nitori was faster.

‘’WAH!!! NO!!! Momo-kun, stop it! I don’t wanna see IT!’’

‘’I…Understand…My penis is so worthless…No wonder you don’t wanna see it. I’m sorry…’’ Momo went back from anger to sadness way too quickly.

‘’Momo-kun, it’s not that…’’

‘’Why? Why me?! I’M A MONSTER! A monster with a really small dick!!!’’ He sat on the bed and covered his face with shame.

Nitori sighed. The whole situation was so ridiculous he didn’t know what to do…

‘’But Momo-kun…The size of your…Penis…It doesn’t matter…’’

‘’Bullshit! It explains why everybody has a girlfriend except me…’’

‘’Oh boy…’’ Nitori rolled his eyes, but he sat next to him and patted the boy’s shoulder. ‘’Come on, that’s not even true. Not everybody has a girlfriend…’’

‘’Everybody I know…’’

‘’…E..Ehh…Not true! Look at Sousuke-senpai! He doesn’t have a girlfriend either!’’

Momo seemed to think deeply about that…And then he started crying again. ‘’But have you seen that guy’s body? I bet his dick is huge…!’

‘’You’ve got a point there…BUT STILL!!! As you can see, it’s not like size is a guarantee in love matters anyway…Size is irrelevant…’’

‘’Really?…’’ Momo looked at Nitori with hope in his eyes.

‘’Really. Besides, you shouldn’t compare yourself with those models. They’re probably edited with Photoshop anyway.’’

‘’You…May be right…!’’

‘’But of course! So don’t worry about a thing…’’

Momo wiped his tears and nodded.

‘’Thank you, senpai…I needed that.’’


Nitori sat in his desk and turned on his laptop. He let his guard down…

‘’So you gay, huh?’’ Momo suddenly commented.

Nitori almost chokes with his own saliva. ‘’Oh, so you actually…’’

‘’I’m not that stupid, you know…Why would you have a box full of such things if you weren’t into dudes?’’

‘’…Oooh…I see…I’m sorry I didn’t tell you…’’

‘’It’s cool. It’s not like you owe me explanations or anything. It’s your business, isn’t it? You’ve got the right to tell whoever you want.’’

‘’I guess…Thank you for being so understanding’’ Nitori said.

‘’No prob…’’ But suddenly, Momo opened his eyes wide…He remembered something that actually shocked him. ‘’Hey, Nitori-senpai…’’


‘’Just tell me one thing…Then…That night I heard you…Doing the do with somebody…’’

‘’…W-WAIT…’’ Nitori never blushed harder in his entire life.

‘’Was it…With a boy?’’ Momo continued, ignoring everything.

‘’YOU HEARD???’’

‘’Please, answer my question…’’

Nitori’s face was about to explode, but there was no point in denying it so he just nodded and looked away…’’I’m…sorr…’’

‘’Holy shit. I may be gay as well.’’ Momo’s own face became blue.


‘’I got turned on and I jerked off to two guys doing the dance with no pants…I must be gay.’’

Every new word Nitori heard was more outrageous than the last. ‘’You did…What?…You…HUUUUUUUUUUUUH?’’

Momo explained the whole story to Nitori and although it was uncomfortable, Nitori had to be strong for the two of them.

‘’Momo-kun…You didn’t know who that person was. You thought he was a girl…So you’re not gay.’’

‘’…At least tell me your boyfriend is pretty…’’

Nitori opened his eyes wide. ‘’…He…Is?’’

‘’That makes me feel better.’’ And Momo just shrugged and finally picked the bunny up, happily.

‘’…Momo-kun…You…I’m sorry, but you’re the weirdest person I know.’’

Momo started laughing. ‘’Hahahaha. I get that a lot.’’

Nitori laughed as well. ‘’Rin-senpai…’’ He said after a while.


‘’My boyfriend. He’s Rin.’’

‘’HOLY FUCK.’’ Momo almost drops the bunny.


‘’Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice, senpai.’’ Momo grinned suddenly.


‘’Rin-senpai looks just like Gou-san. Only with shorter hair, pointy teeth… And muscles. You have great taste!’’

‘’Oh, God…I’m so done…’’ Nitori laughed, turned around and started typing something using his laptop.

‘’We have the same taste…!!! Sort of…’’

‘’If you say so…’’


Nitori wouldn’t admit it, but he felt so relieved and so happy he didn’t have to keep that a secret anymore, he actually couldn’t stop smiling.