ex boyfriend advice

When she asks about me, tell her.
If you tell her that I was just some girl
you dated for nearly 3 years, you can
bet that she will only give you a hard

The pictures and posts tagged between
our two profiles will tell her it was more
than just that. If she’s smart, she’ll look
at the notification that’ll pop up midnight
every night, telling you what you were
doing that day, one…two…three years
ago, you’re in my ones too.

If you tell her that I was just an old
friend, she’ll know you’re lying. See, if
she’s smart like me, she’ll soon realise
that you’re easy to read when you’re
lying and that your voice goes off in a
mind of its own.

She’ll remember how one night you were
at the bowling alley, she said “lets try
that chinese buffet place, I heard it’s
great.” But with a heavy heart, you’ll
make up some story about how you seen
a rat there, once, because you wouldn’t
dream of going to our place with
someone else. But sweetie, it pains me
to say that I know that one day, we
both will. One day, I’ll want the soup
there that I always had four bowls of
before an actual main course, and you’ll
want to have the ribs you loved there.

She’ll remember that day when she
picked you up from university to bring
you back home, how you skipped a song
that was on the radio. Of course, it’ll be
the song we always danced to. And I
know you’ll make an excuse why you can’t listen to it whenever it comes on
when you’re together.

If she holds up her phone with a picture
of you and I from way back, lie a little
but not a lot, she’s not looking for truthful
answers. She’s looking for reassurance
from you.

Don’t tell her how we decided we were
going to have three children, and talked
about how we’d explain our story to
them. Or the plans we had because you’re
going to have bigger and better plans
with her.

Keep the top drawer of your black case
shut until you’ve gotten rid of the cards, my 52 reasons why, post it notes from
me and the pictures. She doesn’t need
to know why you visit your old tagged
page and why you reread our old
conversations on nights she isn’t

Change the subject when
you’re all gathered around the family
dinner table and your Mum asks you
if you’ve ever heard what I’ve been up
to lately, don’t let her hear your Mum
call me the daughter she never had.
It’ll kill her with the thought of never
standing a chance against me.

Kiss her forehead and tell her you
love her on nights that she’s had too
much to drink and she’s rambling on
about the girl you loved before her.

I hope that she forgets that you still
say my name in your sleep, and that
she ignores how you twitch when
someone mentions my favourite author, or mentions that movie and book I
always used to cry at.

And when she does find out who I am,
I hope she’ll take it in the best way and
silently thank me, because without me,
you wouldn’t know how to love her,
kiss her, take her bra off and make
love to her.

—  this is the last lesson that I’ll teach you.

11 Things I Have to Remind Myself Everyday
1. Don’t put on the sweatshirt he gave you that’s sitting in the top of your closet. It doesn’t actually smell like him.
2. Don’t listen to the playlist you named after him when you broke up. He isn’t worth ruining your favorite songs.
3. Don’t check his Instagram to see if he’s untagged himself in the photos you posted while you were together. He probably hasn’t, and he probably doesn’t even realize they’re still there.
4. Also, he probably hasn’t unfollowed you.
5. As much as you want to text him, call him, or drive to his house and tell him what you’re thinking, don’t. Nothing good will come out of it.
6. Stop trying to grab his attention when he’s around. He sees you. He knows you’re there. If he wants to acknowledge your presence, he will.
7. Crying doesn’t solve anything, but it’s still okay to do.
8. It’s okay to still be hung up on him, even after such a long time. You can’t turn feelings on and off.
9. Talk to other boys. You can’t wait around for him, and you can’t close yourself off to someone who could be three hundred times better for you.
10. Don’t let him dictate your life. Don’t stop doing things you want to do and going places you want to go just because he’ll be there. Don’t give him that power.
11. It’s okay that you loved him, it’s not okay to think that you’ll never love or be loved again. One day, you’ll wonder how you ever could’ve been so upset over him, because you’ll have someone so much better.

My stupid effective advice for anyone going through a breakup

Remember when they said that one terrible unforgivable thing? Screenshot that. Set that text as their contact I.D. in your phone. When they call it’s a reminder so you don’t answer, so you don’t go back. Just leave it be. You don’t deserve that.

If you break up with someone:

• Take your anger out on them
• Take away opportunities for them to do things
• Tell their secrets
• Throw every new relationship you have in their face when you know they’re still getting over it
• Tell them they meant nothing to you
• Insult them, if they ask what they did wrong, tell them respectfully
I don’t normally post personal stuff, but I feel like some people need a refresher course on how to be a decent human being in a relationship

Skam fandom: The very best of

I’ve seen some ridiculous theories about the actors’ personal lives and what not in the Skam tag, so how about we have a little reality check and take a moment to remember some of the crazy theories and predictions the fandom came up with during the run of season 3.

1. Theory: Isak dies. This theory started to circulate as soon as Isak saw the video of Even talking about great love stories and death. People were looking for clues in the Bible and in the official header. This is the first time I’ve seen a fandom study the Bible to predict how a gay love story ends.
Outcome: Isak doesn’t die. Isak is born. Isak is born as his true self. The ominous letter I with the skull above it in the header? Turns out it’s not a skull, and turns out Even is a ridiculous romantic who enjoys tracing his lover’s name with his finger on café windows.

2. Theory: Even dies. Aka the Theory That Just Wouldn’t Die. This shit was everywhere after the first Romeo + Juliet reference, and some people wouldn’t let go of it until the very last clip.
Outcome: Even doesn’t die. Even changes the story. Moreover, they are both Romeo and Juliet on different occasions, which I feel is Julie Andem’s way of showing that their relationship doesn’t conform to heteronormative expectations where one is always the girl and one is always the boy. They switch. What a concept.

3. Theory: Even is a homophobe who intends to lure Isak into a trap and then assault him or out him.
Outcome: Even is a 19-year-old bipolar probably bi or pansexual cheesy romantic with artistic tendencies who intends to lure Isak into a hotel suite to pamper and love the fuck out of him.

4. Theory: It’s been over two weeks and they haven’t even kissed yet. NRK doesn’t dare to show two boys kissing. The show is queerbaiting harder than a Shameless producer.
Outcome: Soft boys kissing, nuzzling, mumbling, whispering, and stroking each other’s hair take over tumblr. There is softness everywhere. We’ve never seen anything quite like this. We cry in Norwegian. We cry in all the languages.

5. Theory: The voice behind the door in the Hjernen er alene clip doesn’t belong to Eskild but to Jonas. Isak accidentally outs himself and Even to Jonas this way.
Outcome: Jonas has broken into the flat, gone through a dramatic voice change after going down on too many girls, and memorised every shoe in the flat due to his shoe fetish. Nei.

6. Theory: Isak steals Linn’s sleeping pills and overdosesto deal with his insomnia and heartbreak.
Outcome: Isak deals with his issues by coming out to his best friend. Jonas reacts like a pro by having no reaction. Express Yourself by Isak’s favourite artist N.W.A. plays during the ending credits. The red heart on the Skam website changes to pride colours, people rejoice, I cry from happiness. Winter is coming, yet the air  – oh the air, it feels like spring.

7. Theory: Isak has sex with Emma or Eskild. The hiatus week was wild. People were climbing up the walls. Moles and boobs and nipples and freckles were screencapped and zoomed and discussed like we were a bunch of scientists on the verge of a breakthrough. I’m not one to judge, though. The Bros clip wrecked me, but at 5 am I was finally able to go to sleep after comparing Even’s chest from the pool scene to the anonymous boob of the preview and noticing that they kind of match.
Outcome: Isak has sex with Even. The sex scenes are super romantic and very tastefully done and don’t adhere to any stereotypes. Isak sure as hell doesn’t have sex with Emma or Eskild because Emma is a girl and Eskild is the mom. If Skam were a different show, maybe there would have been a sex scene between Emma and Isak that would then be used in all the promos so that the straights could ~relate~ and not be scared off by too much gay, but with Julie Andem in charge this was never really a worry.

8. Theory: At least one of Isak’s friends doesn’t react well to Isak’s coming out.
Outcome: The boys debate the difference between bi and pansexuality while Isak just stares at them in confusion because he has just come out and the boys have given exactly zero fucks about his news.

9. Theory: Sonja is evil and is holding Even hostage.
Outcome: Sonja is so evil that she calls to apologise for her mistakes instead of just sending a text, gives her ex-boyfriend’s current boyfriend advice on taking care of him when he’s depressed and even wishes merry Christmas to them both as a couple. What a nasty woman.

10. Theory: Isak doesn’t love Even enough because he never says I love you. He’s already thinking about breaking up.
Outcome: This theory is a personal pet peeve of mine. Were we not watching the same show? Even says I love you because he thinks he’s saying goodbye and because this show loves parallels, the previous episode ended with did you really think he’s in love with you so of course there is going to be a parallel that proves the opposite. And let’s face it. Isak “I’m not gay well maybe I’m a little gay” Valtersen was never going to say his first I love you under the mistletoe with angel choirs singing and stars exploding in the background. He’ll blurt it out by accident without any planning. It’ll be one of those I meant it but I didn’t mean to say it kind of situations. Also, maybe I’m alone in this, but when I say yes to meeting my significant other’s parents for the first time, my thought process is not I’m gonna break up with you next week but certainly not before I’ve hung out with your mom.

11. Theory: Even can’t reply to texts because he is a lizard.
Outcome: Investigation still pending.


What can we learn from this:

1.       Let’s have a little more chill during season 4. Myself included.

2.       We couldn’t even predict a fucking tv show, how could we make assumptions about actual living people and their actual lives.

Sadly these are things I had to deal with in past relationships. Ladies let me tell you something, THAT, is not ok! No man should treat you like shit and you shouldn’t stick around and take abuse like that. The amount of emotional abuse I went through is something I don’t want anyone else, male or female, dealing with. It rips you apart in ways you never knew existed. Being called a bitch and getting yelled at for no reason is emotionally scarring. Getting cheated on as well. The amount of shit I had to deal with was unreal. Please don’t put yourself what I had to go through. 

*a short first date prompt, I had to include today’s clip. Enjoy a little more of Chris x Eva!*

It wasn’t exactly his scene. Christoffer Schistad has never done anything like this, for anyone.

And yet, there he was, making sure that the bowl with nachos was standing perfectly in the middle of a glass table in his living room.

She changed him in so many ways, that he probably still didn’t realize it.

Chris did take a note of the fact that he wanted to be with her so bad, and that has never happened before. And to be honest, he was quite taken aback when she refused. He wasn’t used to girls denying him, he always got what he wanted. Maybe that was the reason he liked her so much.

She challenged him, Eva made him question everything he knew so far.

He didn’t even know when spending time with her became a routine for him. Schistad was always keen on not hooking up with the same girl twice. That was one of his rules – it prevented the other party from gaining feelings.

And now, he got caught in his own trap. Chris stopped counting his escapades with Mohn after a third time. And each time he saw her, he wanted more.

Even William was always surprised when he told him he was doing something with her, or that she was coming over.

It was obvious that he had a little crush on a certain ginger haired girl. And he finally admitted it to himself the morning he woke up next to her. He realized that he could get used to it, seeing her face first thing when he opened his eyes, see her smile and even kiss her to wake her up.

And when his hand was tracing the outline of her face, he wanted his mind to remember it, in case something went wrong, and he wouldn’t be able to see her anymore.

That moment, he knew that he fell hard, and that there was no going back.

So he made up a story about a dream that he had, he was so nervous whilst telling it, hoping she would understand the message he wanted to convey.

Instead, she hit him with a brutal truth. We are never going to be together, a cheating fuckboy. He wasn’t proud of his past, but he also couldn’t change it. And Chris knew that Eva would never trust him. At the same time, he wanted to change her mind so badly.

He wanted to show her that he was not that person anymore, because the Penetrator Chris was now just Chris who wanted to be with her.

Schistad spent hours and hours thinking of a way to do that, and nothing that was good enough for her popped up in his head. She really did deserve the best.

So he did the only thing he could think of; messaging her ex-boyfriend.

He felt awkward even typing the message so he added ’hahaha’ at the end. And then he regretted it immediately, because he realized he sounded like an idiot.

Chris wanted to know what she liked and didn’t like, what would make her happy. He wanted to start with the flowers first. Girls liked flowers, right?

He never gave any to anybody.

Finally, after few minutes Jonas replied and gave him the advice he wanted.

And so now, he was sitting in his living room, making sure that everything he prepared was ready.

She was supposed to come any time, but Eva didn’t know that he planned a little date night for them. He felt kind of weird doing that, and he wasn’t sure if it was okay as he has never done anything like this before.

He heard someone putting in the code number to open the front door, and a while later, his eyes met hers as she was making her way down the corridor.

Schistad showed her the code as they decided it would be easier for her to know it, and so that she could come in without him having to run to the door.

She looked as good as ever in her favourite green top, and her hair curled into loose curls.


She smiled at him, putting down her bag at the kitchen counter, before flopping down on a couch next to him. “Hi.”

When she finally settled in, he leaned in and gave her a kiss. Eva put her hand on his neck, trying to deepen the kiss, but Chris decided to draw back before it was too late and they would end up in bed. He didn’t invite her over for sex, not that night, so he pulled away, licking his lips.

She looked at him questioningly.

“I thought we could maybe watch a movie?” Chris pointed at a DVD on the table.

The girl still looked really confused, but followed his gaze. And then her eyes roamed around everything he prepared, the snacks, the drinks, even the bowl of nachos that he made as a main dish of the night. She picked up the movie box, and she started laughing.

Now he was the confused one.

“Is this some kind of joke? You’re pranking me, right?”

He didn’t really know why she reacted like that. Maybe partially because she wasn’t expecting him to do something like that, but he had to admit – he was kind of hurt by it. It only showed that his efforts were pointless, she’d never want to be with him, nor trust him.

When she saw his blank face, she must’ve realized that he was being serious, but she couldn’t stop laughing.

“I’m sorry, I just really, really hate that movie. And I can’t stand the taste of nachos.”

Chris’ mouth opened in awe. He came to a realisation that he was played by none other than Jonas. And he kind of did it to himself, after all he did go to her ex-boyfriend for advice, not to mention that the guy hated his guts, he should’ve known that he wouldn’t be serious and help him get a girl he once loved. Or maybe he was jealous.

At that moment it didn’t matter, what mattered was the fact that he made a complete fool out of himself in front of Eva, who was still chuckling thinking it was some kind of prank.

“What is all this about, Chris?” She asked, when she finally calmed down.

Schistad had enough for one night, he wanted to tell her to go home, but he couldn’t. He wanted her to stay. And this was his chance to be honest for once, without playing any games or beating around the bush by making up some stupid story.

“I asked Jonas for help.”

She laughed once again, and this time he joined in. This whole situation was actually really funny. “What?!”

“I asked him to tell me what you like, what I could do to win you over.” He simply stated. “And I followed his advice. Fresh Guy and nachos, perfect ending to a perfect night.”

Eva’s laugh was one of the most pleasant sounds to his ears. And the way she laughed could also be admired, at least by him. And he did, he stared at her while she was still trying to process this whole situation.

Then, they talked. And went for a walk. He bought her flowers she picked herself and now he knew that she loved lilies.

She would casually start teasing him about the event he prepared for her, at some point she even told him that she never expected that of him and that he surprised her, in a positive way, thankfully.

Once again, he was doing something he has never done before.

He went on a date.

With Eva Mohn.

And it was the most perfect date, and he could have never imagined it to be better than that.

13 Reminders after the First Break-up
  1. Do not dismiss your pain. Feel it, allow your body and mind to feel every inch of it in order for it to pass through you. Think of it like a hot bath; when you first step in, the burning water stings and you don’t think you can stand it for very long. But as you let your body sink and absorb the heat in every inch, slowly it starts to stop stinging. Let your heart go through this healing process. Being sad for a while is healthy, and in no way does this sadness define you or label you as pathetic. In the long run, it will make you much stronger. 
  2. Breathe. You will find yourself thinking about him (all of the time; this is normal). If you struggle with anxiety, do the best you can to keep a slow and steady deep repetition of breaths. This will ensure a healthy amount of oxygen to your brain to increase your reassurance that you are in fact not crazy, no matter what he might have told you or his friends. You did love him, you did feel those feelings, but he just couldn’t accept and reciprocate them.
  3. This feels like the hardest thing in the entire world that you’ve had to deal with, doesn’t it? That’s because so far it is. At this point in your life, he is the only love you’ve experienced. He is the only person you’ve touched, and shared all of those incredible first times with. The reason this feels so hard is because you have no other guy to compare him to, so you are mentally inclined to believe that everything about him was perfect, or at least close to it. Remind yourself that there are a million more experiences out there, and you will experience them, and you will compare them to him, because he was the first.
  4. It’s never going to completely make sense to you. You’ll look back and reread conversations that you had saved and be dumbfounded because how could anyone who said these things at that time, say what he said when and after you broke up? He seemed so genuine, could he really have been lying? Yes and no. He may have felt those feelings at the time, but boys change their minds at the drop of a hat. He may also have been lying and saying what he said in order to manipulate you. Unfortunately, even though they are and will always be incredibly stupid, guys can be clever.
  5. Don’t let movies and TV shows, no matter how perfect they may be, manipulate your vision of what a relationship should be like. Movies are not real life, that’s why they are movies. They are someone’s ideal version of an experience, but not the real thing. Don’t confuse yourself into thinking there was some bigger picture, and that he was trying to look out for you in the long run. Believe his words that came out of his mouth when he ended it, not the words that Zac Efron says when he’s trying to win back the hot blonde.
  6. Not ever truly knowing the whole story can be extremely frustrating. Learn to accept that, and once you do it becomes easier to handle. You’ll also have to learn how to re-convince yourself of the truth many times because sometimes you will get optimistic and think he’ll come chasing after you six months later. Remind yourself that you are worth more than something he can come back for for seconds. And even if he does show up or start the conversation again, don’t give him the satisfaction. Second chances are good, but believe me, you already gave him plenty.
  7. It will be 5 or 6 months after the break up and you could still find yourself thinking about him. Every day even. You might not be able to clearly see every detail of his face, or hear his voice in your head anymore (which is a good sign), but you will still think about him and the memories you had (the good and the bad, but mainly the good). You rehash these memories because you’re going through a withdraw. You don’t miss him, so don’t beat yourself up about that. You miss having the kind of person that he was for you when things were good. Remind yourself that you are still healing and it is okay to look back at old conversations on occasion.
  8. He is never going to be completely irrelevant to you. You will go through phases where you agree with this and where you argue it, but he will never be 100% irrelevant to you. Like it or not, he completely changed who you are. The happiness he gave you in the good months allowed your heart to grow. The sadness and anger he gave you during the hard months and the break up completely ripped it to shreds. Now you’re trying to repair it all by yourself (and with the help of your friends) and that is one hell of a job. Don’t lose faith though because you will put it back together, and once you do, it will be ten times stronger than it ever was during the happy months. Why? Because YOU made it strong, not him. And unlike shitty ex-boyfriends, YOU can’t ever leave you.
  9. You will find out who your true friends are when you go through this kind of experience. The ones who say let her learn on her own? They probably won’t be as close with you in a year or so. But the ones who never give up and always try to get inside your head and somehow get you to realize how much better you are than him, those are the ones you keep.
  10. One of the hardest parts is accepting the fact that you won’t marry him and have kids and live the life you planned out in your perfectly optimistic head. All those plans you made, just completely thrown away, and that hurts. Remember that this is not the only guy that you will make those types of plans with. You’ll make them with your next boyfriend, and the one after that, and the one after that, and then probably actually carry out some of those plans with the one after that. Focus those optimistic thoughts of yours on the fact that you get all of those chances and experiences with all of those other guys. Just like this one did, they will make you stronger and give you a hell of a lot more perspective.
  11. This is the time to be selfish. Like honestly this is the only socially acceptable time in your life to be selfish, so take advantage of that and spoil yourself. Make yourself stronger. This relationship and this break-up did not and does not define you. Who you chose to become when all the dust has settled, that defines you
  12. No matter what your friends or parents may say, it is not immature or unreasonable or overreacting to completely remove him from any social media you may have. Snapchat, Facebook, Skype, Instagram, (if he is gay enough to have a Twitter), delete him on all of them. Or block him (whichever you prefer). You may say at first that you don’t want to because you want him to see all of your pictures still, but trust me, your life and your pictures are none of his business anymore. And it also sucks to be casually tapping through Snapchat stories and looking at his selfie with some slut at a bar. Save yourself the gut wrenching uncomfortable-ness, you won’t regret it.
  13. When and if the time ever comes where you see him on the street, run into him in the store, or at a party, etc. etc. do your absolute best to treat him like a complete stranger. If he has the balls to come up and ask you how you’ve been, then you can be civil, but keep the conversation short. Depending on how long it has been, odds are you don’t even know this person anymore, he practically is a stranger to you, so there’s no point in rehashing all of the memories and feelings that will still be there (buried very very deep down) because he was your first. Or you can ignore him. Either way, he does not and will not ever deserve your new life story, since he didn’t want to stick around to be there for it.

Do you ever just try so hard to be a friend for an ex/ex best-friend but they don’t even put any effort into trying to fix the past. You draw them stuff, or write them poems, you act as a shoulder to cry on when they’re in need but when you need someone there they just disappear? And yet you still care about them enough to put all they’ve done aside in attempt to move ahead while they don’t make an effort….

What I need is to stop
Letting your perception of me
Tell me who I am
I need to sleep calmly and
Peacefully knowing you are
Existing someplace else
I need to make peace with who
You really are and learn to detach
I can’t spend my life surrounded
by your toxic mentality
—  e.k.s.