evisceral

anonymous asked:

Ate three chorger and mom bought one made metal. Best suggest for destroy? Try chew and owch.

have tried kick to eviscerate chorger?

the best, most biting callout i’ve ever received was “it clearly shines through in nearly every aspect of your personality and general aura that you loved dave strider during your teenage years” like… dead on the nose. fucking eviscerated, right then and there. no one can top that. no one ever even needs to try because, beating that? impossible

In general there is like. a whole category of Voltron angst premises that utterly fails to make me feel anything because it often severely underestimates the strength of the characters that it proposes to be breaking.

Like… Listen. Lance pretty dang likely had internal injuries and had spent a pretty impressive amount of time unresponsive and he woke up like that and shot Sendak in the shoulder before nearly back out again. This tells us Lance woke up, probably in no small amount of pain, probably pretty loopy since he remembered absolutely none of it afterwards, and the absolute first thing that occurred to him to do is Sendak was right there and he had a clear shot so, fuck that guy. He got in that situation in the first place because he saw a bomb going off and his first priority was to protect Coran- who at the time he’d known for… days, maybe? 

Pidge, the fourteen-year-old, who was pretty much entirely alone on the castle during that same time, having just lost contact with Allura, losing Rover and then hearing Shiro get tortured by Sendak- still kept her head about her enough to try and bait Sendak off with a hologram and was a major part of that fight. I mean. literally, take this emotionally compromised kid and go “you’re officially alone on a spaceship with murderous adult soldiers. They have your friends. They’re hurting your friends. You are the only one in position to do anything. Have fun.” And she won

Keith had his shoulder hacked pretty impressively in the first room of the Trial of Marmora and was given multiple opportunities to bail with a pretty clear pattern that the next room would be worse and have more attackers and Shiro states it as a given that Keith will not give up. Kolivan unambiguously tells him going in this is a life-or-death scenario. This is also Keith who willingly soloed freaking Zarkon with Coran actively telling him that he had no chance of surviving that fight because Zarkon is not getting the Black Lion.

Allura destroyed the last thing she had of her father in order to protect her team and let herself be captured by Zarkon in order to protect Shiro. She caught her second wind and held out against Haggar as best as she possibly could even knowing those odds were not good.

Coran picked a fight with Zarkon’s entire fleet piloting a ship ten thousand years old, alone, and did pretty dang good

Hunk actively, voluntarily, and enthusiastically picked a fight with a planet-eating monster stated to be one of the most dangerous things in space and long before that, all of his misgivings about signing up to save the universe evaporated like morning dew in the Sahara as soon as he saw what Shay and her people were going through. 

A lot of “angst” content seems to really disrespect or even ignore that these people are fighters. Survivors. These aren’t people who flake under pressure. In Shiro’s case, he literally never would have made it if he was. We see that at his worst, during his missing year, when he was utterly baffled by the idea anyone would help him and was pretty unsubtly about to be knocked out and experimented on- he was full of fight. There wasn’t much he could do but he wasn’t going down easily and if nothing else, the fact that there were two good-sized soldiers in full armor in the room taking the role of sedating him would tell us that Shiro didn’t exactly obediently walk to that room in the first place.

I see a lot of stuff that acts like Lance could get captured and in the time it’d take the team to get to him he could be ‘turned to the dark side’ or broken as a person and it’s like… the empire had a solid year to work on Shiro when the latter had the assumption that no one who would want to help him would even have the technology to reach him or even know he was alive in the first place and the empire didn’t win. What honestly makes you think they could take a month and destroy any of the team?

can we take a moment to just think about how incredibly scary magical healing is in-context?

You get your insides ripped open but your friend waves his hands and your flesh just pulls back together, agony and evisceration pulling back to a ‘kinda hurts’ level of pain and you’re physically whole, with the 100% expectation that you’ll get back up and keep fighting whatever it was that struck you down the first time.

You break your arm after falling somewhere and after you’re healed instead of looking for ‘another way around’ everybody just looks at you and goes “okay try again”.

You’ve been fighting for hours, you’re hungry, thirsty, bleeding, crying from exhaustion, and a hand-wave happens and only two of those things go away. you’re still hungry, you’re still weak from thirst, but the handwave means you have ‘no excuse’ to stop.

You act out aggressively maybe punch a wall or gnash your teeth or hit your head on something and it’s hand-waved because it’s ‘such a small injury you probably can’t even feel it anymore’ but the point was that you felt it at all?

Your pain literally means nothing because as long as you’re not bleeding you’re not injured, right? Here drink this potion and who cares about the emotional exhaustion of that butchered village, why are you so reserved in camp don’t you think it’s fun retelling that time you fell through a burning building and with a hand-wave you got back up again and ran out with those two kids and their dog? 

Older warriors who get a shiver around magic-users not because of the whole ‘fireball’ thing but the ‘I don’t know what a normal pain tolerance is anymore’ effect of too much healing. Permanent paralysis and loss of sensation in limbs is pretty much a given in the later years of any fighter’s life. Did I have a stroke or did the mage just heal too hard and now this side of my face doesn’t work? No i’m not dead from the dragon’s claws but I can’t even bend my torso anymore because of how the scar tissue grew out of me like a vine.

Magical healing is great and keeps casualties down.

But man.

That stuff is scary.

The Things We Give Welsh Learners: y Babi Sinsir

So I was going through our bookshelf yesterday, because we’re fast approaching the point where we need a clear-out, and I came across one of my all-time favourite creations ever, probably even beating shit like the wheel and penicillin. Years back, before leaving The Man to pursue his dreams of being a sort of professional clown-thing, my husband used to be a translator for Neath Port Talbot Council; as is often the way with Welsh councils, though, owing to a lack of money and also everywhere is really close to each other (this country is 150 miles wide at its widest point, and about 47 miles at the thin bit. Ver ver small), NPT Council’s translating department was shared by Swansea Council. Thus it was that, in the halcyon days of circa 2009, the two decided to team up and produce a new Welsh language book for learners between them, and thus it got sent through to Steffan to proof read it.

A Thing You May Not Know: Welsh is one of ten indigenous languages to Britain, arguably the oldest, and has been viciously oppressed over the last millennium and a half as part of England’s big If You Destroy Their Culture They’ll Be Glad To Be Ruled By You policy. These days, it’s nonetheless still spoken by approximately a fifth of the Welsh population; a hell of a feat, considering, but the suppression of it continues to this day (just in cleverer, sneakier ways now than whipping people’s children if they’re heard.) But it is classified as Endangered. Thanks to Welsh-language schools now being a thing (though supply is much lower than demand), transmission rates to the younger generation are pretty good; but, Welsh is peculiarly dependent on adult learners.

This means that learner books might have to appeal to both children and adults while using very simple language, which I explain in case it in some way justifies the bewildering weirdness of what I’m about to show you; because at first glance, this book is simply for children. But it’s… Well. 

Well.

I present to you, with translations in bold and commentary by me, Y Babi Sinsir.

Literally, “the Ginger Baby”, but they mean ‘ginger’ as in ‘gingerbread’. Literal ginger. Not the colour.

This is Mr Jones. This is Mrs Jones.

What’s wrong, Mrs Jones? I want a baby.

Note: there will be some confusion in this book about whether the narrator is speaking, or anyone else. It might seem cut and dried here, but there are no speech marks around “Dw i eisiau babi”, whereas later speech marks are used, and also in two pages’ time the narrator will actively pass a value judgement using first person, so… Well.

But, so far so good.

Mrs Jones is making a Babi Sinsir.

… okay, so I like this page because of the capitalisation of Babi Sinsir and the lack of definite article. She’s just making a Babi Sinsir. You know, a Babi Sinsir? Magical baby made of gingerbread that you make if you can’t conceive but can’t afford IVF? Yeah. A Babi Sinsir. That’s right.

Let it be known that this is Not A Thing in Welsh folklore or mythology. What the fuck. How does this work. Where does the magic come from? Do you need a faerie ingredient? Will the next page tell us?

This is the Babi Sinsir. I like the Babi Sinsir.

Nope.

But it is apparently shit-capable and needs a nappy. It’s good that the narrator likes it anyway.

The Babi Sinsir is bad. He’s running.

Uh oh.

“Come back, Babi Sinsir.”

Look how Worried the Joneses are. Funny how they don’t seem to be calling that enthusiastically, though. I’d have expected an exclamation mark at least. Did Mrs Jones always have a massive left arm? I can’t remember.

“Run, run, catch me. I’m the Babi Sinsir.”

Yeah, okay, so that’s the Welsh for “Run! Run! As fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m the gingerbread man!”, but once again, I’m going to have to draw attention to the lack of expressive punctuation here. It really feels like this naughty Babi Sinsir’s heart is just not in this.

“Come and help, Mr Horse.” “Run, run, catch me. I’m the Babi Sinsir.”

Cool, look, a floating horse has come to help.

The pen there, incidentally, was an attempt by the translators to work out who was talking. I can’t imagine why. This dialogue is on fire, everyone can tell.

“Come and help, Mrs Cow.” “Run, run, catch me. I’m the Babi Sinsir.”

Now they have been joined in their high-speed zombie shuffle by a married floating cow who is, if I’m not much mistaken, high as shit.

“Come and help, Mr Goat.”  “Run, run, catch me. I’m the Babi Sinsir.”

I’m starting to suspect the artist only knew how to draw the legs on animals in one way.

“Come and help, Mr Dog.”  “Run, run, Catch me. I’m the Babi Sinsir.”

Yes, that dog is definitely here to ‘help’. Also… the Babi Sinsir is literally within reach of Mrs Jones’ massive left arm now. Why is she not just picking him up?

“Come and help, Miss Cat.” “Run, run, Catch me. I’m the Babi Sinsir.”

You may be wondering at this point if this is just… the whole book. An ever-increasing flock of floating zombie creatures shuffling after a naughty gingerbread baby in a nappy who is committing the cardinal sin of running. I mean… where can they go from here, amirite? A sheep? A squirrel? A chicken? We can hit a hundred pages this way, easy. The concern is the artist, whom I think was stretched a bit beyond their means on this project anyway.

BUT WORRY NOT! Shit’s about to go down, guys.

Oh no! Here comes Mr Wolf. Mr Wolf runs and catches the Babi Sinsir.

THAT IS A FOX

THAT IS A GODDAMN FOX YOU HEATHEN FUCK

WHAT THE FUCK

AND WHY THE FUCK IS IT WEARING CLOTHES WHEN NONE OF THE OTHER ANIMALS WERE

WHY IS IT DRESSED IN DUNGAREES LIKE A LAZY FARMHAND ON AN AMERICAN RANCH IN THE 1800S

This doesn’t bode well for the -

Half of the Babi Sinsir is left.

WHAT THE

Quarter of the Babi Sinsir is left.

WHY DOES IT STILL LOOK SAD AND HORRIFIED WHY IS IT STILL ALIVE OH MY GOD

The Babi Sinsir has gone! There’s tasty.

What the

Wha

It

I realise this is not the main point to make here, but two pages ago it had eaten half of that nappy, and now it’s whole again and delicately discarded to one side, I just want

I mean

It’s okay, right? This happens in fairytales? Little Red Riding Hood? Someone will eviscerate the fox and out will come the Babi Sinsir…’s pieces, and they can be baked back together…?

No one cares!

Mrs Jones is making another Babi Sinsir.

The new Babi Sinsir loves Mrs Jones.

… 

…okay, so there’s a lot for us all to take in right now, and we’re all going to get through it at different speeds. But I’m just going to draw attention to the fact that Mr Jones is now merely depicted as a picture on the wall, and the new Babi Sinsir apparently only loves Mrs Jones, and…

Okay so they just lost their beloved baby gingerbread son because he got eaten alive by a fox in dungarees calling itself a wolf, right? Mrs Jones apparently couldn’t give less of a fuck if she tried, as long as she has some flour and ginger left over to make another. This one she made to love her.

Mr Jones, I presume, had a total mental breakdown and drank himself to death. At the very least, he’s left her, look. All she has left is the photo.

But does dim ots! Mae’r Babi Sinsir newydd yn caru Mrs Jones.

And that is the story of Y Babi Sinsir, aka the greatest work of literature ever written.

5

Bernie Sanders issues a scathing takedown of everyone who won’t call Trump a liar

  • Sen. Bernie Sanders issued a fiery response to critics who take issue with him labeling  Trump a “liar” on Tuesday, penning a Medium post titled “What should we do if the president is a liar?”
  • Sanders took specific issue with a recent Washington Post piece by Amber Phillips denigrating the senator for lowering the “state of political discourse” by calling Trump a liar. 
  • Phillips argued several of Sanders’ “corrosive” tweets represented how “Political norms — like, don’t accuse the president of the United States of lying without evidence, or don’t accuse the former president of the United States of wiretapping your phones without evidence — have been eviscerated.”
  • Sanders was not pleased, to say the least. In his post, he burned Phillips, saying her “complaint appears to be that it is improper for a United States senator to state the obvious.” Read more (3/7/17 8 PM)

anonymous asked:

Hi cunt women are lesser animals,with usually smaller brains, less neurons, and less synapses. That's why women rely more on instinct and emotion, rather than logic or reason. That also explains women's relative lack of intellectual accomplishments or invention over the past 3,000 years (and more). Your gender's main contributions have been singing, giving birth, cooking and cleaning, Nearly everything women have accomplished is with help from men or from a group of men. Women deserve no rights

Hi dickhead I’m feeling petty this morning so I’m gonna eviscerate this swill part by part. It seems like the concept of basic science confuses you. I’ll start by citing this article for you and provide some choice quotes. It used a heavily peer-reviewed study and the methodology was completely sound (i read the whole goddamn original work and several of its external citations).

“On average, for example, men tend to have a larger amygdala, a region associated with emotion. Such differences are small and highly influenced by the environment, yet they have still been used to paint a binary picture of the human brain,“

“Depending on whether the researchers looked at gray matter, white matter, or the diffusion tensor imaging data, between 23% and 53% of brains contained a mix of regions that fell on the male-end and female-end of the spectrum. Very few of the brains—between 0% and 8%—contained all male or all female structures.” 

A list of early inventions by women (it includes elevated rail-lines, Kevlar, and the submarine telescope! the lack of patents taken out by women early on is actually because men made it illegal for a woman to hold a patent in her name until the early 1900s. those darn men, always inhibiting progress)

 A detailed list of several well-known contemporary female scholars

Here’s Wikipedia’s list of Muslim women who made significant intellectual achievements

A list of 30 Black women who made history

A detailed history of Asian women’s contributions

Notable Native American women from the past 350 years

Here’s TWO articles on the contributions of trans women in contemporary culture (the first one also includes nonbinary people, just a heads up. It seemed more relevant than many of the others tho)

You know what fuck you here’s 50 more women who did important shit

Wikipedia’s history of lesbian literature (which lists a lot of books and authors)

Tbh I do agree with you on the singing being a main contribution, just because women have nicer voices (in my opinion) and are much more likely to use their songwriting expertise to push activist and progressive agendas.

Maybe don’t come into my inbox with this shit when you don’t know what you’re talking about? Put away the 18th century medical book and take a chill pill.

Jojo Fights

PART I
Jonathan: Sunny Delight Overdrive!
*one meaty Hamon-infused punch into an exploding zombie face*

PART II
Joseph: No, but you see, when you tore off that square of toilet paper, you were not actually destroying my channel of Hamon, but simply bringing the ply that I infused with the Ripple even closer to your face! Now you will say, “But I already wiped my nose with it!”
Pillar Man: But I already wiped my nose with it! *explodes into a pile of molten Aztec god* (Pillar Man, to self: Little does Joestar know that my duodenum has survived his Hamon blow, and shall slip into a Switzerland-bound envelope along with the Red Stone of Aja!)

PART III
Jotaro: Yare yare daze…you though your stand, a werewolf that can turn its claws into knives, could defeat my Star Platinum. But you didn’t prepare for this, the Star Kneecap! *Star Platinum’s kneecap flips over and flies into the air, turning into a moon that burns the werewolf with silver light* ORA ORA ORA!!!

PART IV
Josuke: you thought your broken stand, Blood Sugar Sex Magic, could level this block. But you didn’t count on what I can do with broken things.
*Crazy Diamond reforms a flattened stop sign Josuke is standing on, flinging him directly at the enemy’s face with a hail of punches*
Josuke: DORADORADORA!
Enemy stand user with a normal but mildly uncommon Japanese name: Alright, I’m your friend now.

PART V
*Mista takes a hail of razor tipped leaves to the chest and collapses to the ground.*
Mista: alright, you may have me on all f- threes and another hand, but as soon as I reload, you’re fucked!
*Giorno steps from the shadows*
Giorno: ah, yes, I was also here but decided not to do anything until my friend was eviscerated. *heals Mista* Ah yes, now, Mr. Pischetti N. Meatbalzo, here is another thing my stand can do sometimes.
*Gold Experience punches Pischetti, sending him reeling with sensory overload as he perceives time too fast for his body to handle*
Gold Experience can also do this thing.
*turns one of Mista’s spent shell casings into a scorpion that runs up Pischetti’s trousers. Pischetti then crushes it in a panic, collapsing his own ribcage and killing him instantly.*

PART VI
Vera Wang: ah, you see, you’ve fallen for my trap. You opened a bottle I left on the floor filled with water that reflected the light of my Stand, All Eyez on Me, and now your stomach is going to fill with Sasquatch hair until you turn into a cryptid.
Jolyne: Yare Yare dawa…how pointless. See, I increased the tensile strength of my stomach’s string and had Anasui shape it into a Klein bottle. Now I can never be filled with any kind of cryptid hair.
*Diver Down retracts from Jolyne’s body*
Anasui: can I smell your hair now?
Jolyne: no, Anasui

PART VI
Johnny: Yeah, come out and play, you shit head gunslinger! (To self: calm down Johnny…don’t blow all your fingernails in a panic)
Money Cash: Alright there partner, looks like I found you!
*Johnny fires off three of his fingernails in a panic, missing Money Cash completely*
Money Cash: Now, don’t go getting any crazy ideas. My stand, Sorry Ms. Jackson, prevents any kind of injury unless you beat me in a game of Battleship. Also my cousin has the same stand for some reason.
*Johnny panics again, firing off another 4 fingernails.*
Johnny: Gyro, halp. Gyro, pls.

PART VIII
Sato Aparachin: ah, my stand, Rock Around the Clock, cannot be bested. See, I am a rock human. And despite our many glaring weaknesses and no real advantages, I believe myself invincible!
Josuke: ah, see, but my Stand, Soft & Wet, has plundered your ability to win. I have taken its bubble into myself, so now I can double win!
Sato Aparachin: alright, that hardly seems fair.
Josuke: It isn’t. Can you help me find muh memories?
Sato Aparachin: No, I hate you. Stay away from muh fruit
Josuke: Muh memories!
Sato Aparachin: muh fruit

The Crisis of Governance

America is in a crisis of governance. There is no adult in charge.

Instead, we have as president an unhinged narcissistic child who tweets absurd lies and holds rallies to prop up his fragile ego, whose conflicts of financial interest are ubiquitous, and whose presidency is under a “gray cloud” of suspicion (according to the Republican chairman of the House Intelligence Committee) for colluding with Russian agents to obtain office in the 2016 election.

He’s advised by his daughter, his son-in-law, and an oddball who once ran a white supremacist fake-news outlet.

His cabinet is an assortment of billionaires, CEOs, veterans of Wall Street, and ideologues, none of whom has any idea about how to govern and most of whom don’t believe in the laws their departments are in charge of implementing anyway.

He has downgraded or eviscerated groups responsible for giving presidents professional advice on foreign policy, foreign intelligence, economics, science, and domestic policy. He gets most of what he learns from television.

Meanwhile, Congress is in the hands of Republicans who for years have only said “no,” who have become expert at stopping whatever a president wants to do but don’t have a clue how to initiate policy, most of whom have never passed a budget into law, and, more generally, don’t much like government and have not shared responsibility for governing the nation.

As a result of all this, the most powerful nation in the world with the largest economy in the world is rudderless and leaderless.

Where we need thoughtful resolve we have thoughtless name-calling. Where we need democratic deliberation we have authoritarian rants and rallies. Where we need vision we have myopia.

The only way out of this crisis of governance is for us – the vast majority of Americans who deserve and know better – to take charge. Your country needs you desperately. 

Warden: and these are my new recruits, a psychotic murdering Dalish who tried to make a tree eat me, this bloke who killed several of our troops while trying to rob the keep, a drunken dwarf outcast, an apostate who probably didn’t murder any Templars, this other dwarf who gets really excited when you suggest she’ll likely be eviscerated by darkspawn, aaaaand a possessed corpse.

Other Wardens: um.  ser

Warden: what

Other Wardens: maybe, uh… are you sure this…

Warden: I KILLED THE ARCHDEMON I DO WHAT I WANT

Top 9 Most Fight-Able Characters in Mystic Messenger

(ranked by the likelihood of winning from least to most likely)

9. “Mary” Vanderwood, Secret Agent Murdermonster

Result: A swift and painful death

Are you shitting me? You’ll be goddamn eviscerated on the spot. Not to mention nobody will ever find your body. This is completely fucking unadvisable. DO NOT DO THIS unless you have a DEATH WISH and want to disappear from the world completely. Vanderwood is not to be messed with. They’ve killed many a worthy foe, and you will not be one of them. There’s not much else to say here. I don’t care who you are, you should not challenge Vanderwood. Say your prayers, fucker

8. Unknown/Saeran Choi, Total Edgelord

Result: Utter defeat, probably followed by torture + imprisonment

I don’t think you need me to tell you that this kid is fucking off his rocker. Let’s be real, he’s probably killed a few people, and he enjoyed every minute of it. You can bet your ass he’ll likely torture you after defeating you, too. And you know, some of you sick fucks will probably enjoy the whole damn ordeal. You’re probably the only ones who’d WANT to fight him just to have him fucking step on you. Well congratu-fucking-lations, you got what you wanted. He still beats your ass. The only reason Vanderwood beats him in this ranking is because it’s possible he’d keep you alive for fun, and some of you would enjoy that, so at least it’s a fuckin victory for somebody. Fuck.

7. Jaehee Kang, Smarter than the CEO

Result: Total annihilation + jail time

Do you see this face? This is the face of someone who has been repressing violent urges for fucking years for the sake of keeping her job. If she could snap Jumin’s neck, she would in a heartbeat. You do not want to give her a justifiable reason to unleash that utter fucking rage on your sorry ass. Did you forget she has a black belt in judo? She could beat my ass. She could beat your ass. She could beat anyone’s ass. I don’t care WHO you think you are. And after the fight? She’ll report you to the proper authorities, pick up a cup of coffee, and finish her daily tasks like nothing fucking happened. What a wild bitch. I fucking love her to death, tbh. And you know what? How dare you challenge her. She deals with enough shit in her life. I hope she beats your ass with a righteous fucking fury. Have fun in jail, dipshit.

6. God 707, Meme Lord Supreme

Result: Depends on your approach, but probably a failure

Honestly Seven’s about as fucking predictable as a lunch box full of wasps. What am I even supposed to say here? He’d probably imitate that shitty ass vine meme the first time you punch him and say “I can’t believe you’ve done this”, complete with a British accent, but when you keep hitting, it’ll confuse him. The element of surprise is probably your best bet, but you also have no fucking clue what he’ll do. He might beat the shit out of you. He might scamper away on his scrawny ass legs and proceed to hack into everything you once loved or held dear. He might lay down on the ground and let you kick the shit out of him. In the end, it depends on his mood. Is that reliable at all? Absolutely fucking not. So go for it, but I literally have no idea how it’s gonna turn out for you.

5. Zen/Hyun Ryu, A God Among Men

Result: You have a good chance of winning, but at what cost?

OK BEFORE YOU LOSE YOUR MIND LISTEN THE FUCK UP. Why is Zen higher up on the list, Nani??? you ask me, pouting, clutching your Zen body pillow(s) in agony. Zen had a bad past!! He’s not easy to fight, he was such a bad boy!! v//w//v He’s so tough and strong and he’s our knight in shining armor! Hey!! Good for you! But GUESS FUCKING WHAT!! If you’re female, he’ll probably forfeit to you immediately, unlike the barbarians before him on this list, so technically he’s easier to fight! He’d probably LET you beat the shit out of him if it made you feel better. It’s not even a fucking question of who would win if a woman challenged him, so we’re gonna move on.
Now, if you’re a GUY, he’d be more willing to square up, and my advice is go for his face. Pretty boy doesn’t like messing up his pretty mug, and if you play dirty, he’ll get scared real quick. His ponytail is a disadvantage for him, so yank it real hard. You have a better chance of beating him with perseverance, but if you let him get the upper hand, you’re deceased because he’s probably a heavy hitter. Also, you will incur the wrath of all his fangirls, and probably the angels above, and you will spend the rest of your life MISERABLE AND CURSED, so proceed with caution. If you can get away with it without anyone knowing your identity, you’re golden. Good luck, but also, why? do you even want to??

4. Jumin Han, Mistah Trussfund Kid (The CEO)

Result: Instant win, but your life will be RUINED

Honestly, I think certain RFA members would actually be very glad if someone handed Jumin’s ass to him, but good fucking luck accomplishing that without having your entire life destroyed. On a purely physical level, Jumin is no competition. He may be the tallest motherfucker around, but he’s never fought anyone before in his LIFE. You’d probably only have an issue here if you were short as shit, and even then, go for the knees, amirite? He’ll fall like a fucking oak tree, and then you can rip him a new one while he’s down. Easy peasy, right? WRONG. He’s got a horde of like 50 bodyguards that you have to sneak past or defeat first or something. And if you somehow make it to Jumin first, they’ll swarm your ass after you first start swinging and have you incapacitated in a few seconds. Are those first few swings worth it? Maybe. But he’s gonna sue your ass for everything you own. The whole world will know your name. If you don’t get jail time, you’ll wish you had. It will be an easier life than trying to live in the public. Zen and Jaehee might love you forever, though, so maybe they can pull a few favors for ya. You better pray they do. Good fuckin luck out there, champ.

3. Yoosung Kim, Small Child

Result: Victory, but with a catch

Look into this child’s eyes. Look me in the eyes. Tell me that Yoosung isn’t a fucking pansy. You can’t, can you? It’s because Yoosung is a fucking pansy. This kid would be down for the count after exactly one (1) punch. He might enjoy it a little too, which’ll be awkward as shit for both of you. HOWEVER. If you trigger his Yandere side, which is bullshit but whatever, he might put up more of a fight. How do you do this, you may ask? Insult Rika. or MC. (Probably Rika tho). Something inside him will snap, and then he’ll be trickier to handle. He’ll probably play dirty when he’s like this, so expect to get shanked or bitten or something. It doesn’t change the fact that his scrawny ass can’t fight for shit, so you’ll still probably win, but not without a few injuries yourself. Hurting Yoosung is probably the moral equivalent to kicking a puppy. If you can be ok with yourself after that, then I mean, go for it.

2. Rika, the Antichrist

Result: Certain victory, but extremely dangerous

Look, maybe I should’ve put her lower on the list considering she’s got an entire cult following her every order. But, honest to God, you would be morally obligated to fight her. Please beat the shit out of her. Physically, her scrawny ass could do nothing to stop you. She’s ruined the lives of her friends, as well as countless other people, because of her deranged and, quite frankly, selfish desires. Basically, she’s a little bitch. I don’t know how you’ll do it, but god damn, you’ll be everyone’s hero. The downside to this is that she might sick Saeran on you, which is gonna be a pain in your ass, and Yoosung might hate you forever, but I think you can live with that, right? Do us all a favor. Fight Rika.

1. Jihyun Kim/V, aka Flower Angel Sunshine Man

Result: Total Victory, but you’re basically Satan

BEFORE YOU SEND ME ANON HATE, REMEMBER: this is a list based on how likely you are to win. And V? V would let anyone beat him. He probably thinks he deserves it. He might defend himself a little, but he couldn’t bring himself to hurt you. Your victory would be almost immediate. There is no catch to V. You’d just win. But you’re a fucking monster for it. And you know what? I’ll beat the shit out of you if you hurt this man. So don’t even think about it, asshole.

Murderbeast in Action

(I posted ages ago, the 7-foot two-headed murderbeast, different party and game (3.5e) but same character (Pathfinder Summoner))

Context: The party has been ambushed by a bunch of horse-sized spiders. My summoner was clever enough to have his eidolon summoned before the ambush happened. The Eidolon had four attacks, multiattack, and was now buffed with a Prayer, Magic Fang, and Bull’s Strength.

DM: Your turn?

Summoner (Me): I multiattack the spider in front of me.

*Rolls Damage, crits twice*

DM: Okay, you just… Eviscerate the spider. It becomes Spider confetti.

Rest of the Party: Nice!

*Round goes by*

DM: (Me), your turn.

Summoner: Pyrefly (my eidolon) turns to the spider next to me, and both heads grin at it.

DM: The spider starts to sweat, despite lacking sweat glands. It also whispers under its breath “Oh shit…”

(The spider died in one turn)

anonymous asked:

Per the IRC fundraiser: I would LOVE to read a blurb about Steve Cap eviscerating David Duke (or any other white supremacist) a la Chris Evans on Twitter :) (Hi. Thanks for using your powers for good!)

This didn’t go quite in the direction I hoped when I started, but I hope you like it anyway, Anon! 

Steve got a Twitter – really, Steve was assigned a Twitter – when he joined the Avengers, but he didn’t use it very often. He didn’t care for it, and forgot about it for long periods of time. People followed him, but didn’t expect much in the way of content. 

Then, one day, a tweet popped up from his account.

You shouldn’t punch Nazis in the face. You will incapacitate a Nazi for longer if you punch in the side of the head or the genital area.

What followed was an eyebrow-raising, thirty-tweet essay in which Captain America laid out the basics of hand-to-hand combat and offered advice for most effective techniques. Every time he could have used the phrase “your opponent” or “the other person”, instead he used “a nazi”.

When someone pointed this out to him on twitter, he tweeted back, ‘A nazi’ is fewer characters.

It was an amazing afternoon, but the news coverage of Captain America’s brutal new twitter branding didn’t really hit a frenzied pitch until the following day, when someone tweeted, So you think I should be punched in the face for my opinions?

Are you a nazi? Steve tweeted back.

I voted for Trump.

There was a gap of about half an hour, and then Steve replied, #trump wants people I love to die; at least to be unprotected from violence. Why wouldn’t I strike someone threatening my loved ones?  

At which point the President of the United States tweeted, Pathetic Captain America wants to punch the landslide who elected me. Captain: you’re fired!

And Steve tweeted, Donald Trump is scared of me. Watching a sad old man try to fire someone he doesn’t employ is hilarious.

After which it appeared the President may have lost his mind; his tweets, growing increasingly erratic, eventually threatened a nuclear strike against New York unless Steve resigned.

Bring it on, I’ll punch that too, or didn’t you hear about what happened the last time someone tried? Steve tweeted.

At which point the President’s twitter went dangerously silent.

The following day, the White House announced that the President had been admitted to the hospital with 'cardiac issues’, and was expected to sign resignation papers at noon.

“I’m hearing that the rest of the GOP finally pushed him out. I hope you’re proud of yourself,” Tony said.

“Jarvis was the one who advised me on how best to bait him,” Steve replied, stretching smugly.

“Pence isn’t exactly a cake walk.”

“No, but he’s never going to try to nuke New York, and he’s not so irrational he’d announce the attempt on social media,” Steve said. “My job is to make sure dangerous psychopaths don’t threaten the United States. One down,” he added, grinning.

The FCC is Investigating Stephen Colbert for His Hilarious Trump Takedown

Unless you live in a tree (and really, who could blame you now?), you know that earlier this week, Stephen Colbert eviscerated Trump in part of his “Late Show” monologue.

Trump supporters, who insist WE’RE “snowflakes”, flooded CBS with complaints. Because Colbert is on the public airwaves and not, say, basic cable, the FCC has opened an investigation and is promising to take action should Colbert’s bit meet the SCOTUS threshold for “obscenity”.

SO much has transpired this week–the Comey hearing, the Russian hack of French moderate Macron, the horrifying anti-LGBTQ Executive Order Trump signed yesterday–it’s hard to know where to focus.

It’s not that the FCC investigation is more important than the other stories; it’s that its implications are deceptively vast.

By any reasonable standard, Colbert’s words fall under protected free speech, even on public airwaves. Let’s note that the target, Trump, is a self-confessed multiple sexual assailant, is under active FBI criminal investigation for colluding with Russia, and recently settled a $25 million lawsuit for fraud.

He’s ripe for satire. He’s a fair target. And, ostensibly, he’s the POTUS.

As such, there’s no fucking way Colbert’s words merit an FCC investigation.

The outcome has far-reaching implications for satire and, as such, free speech, under this administration.

Pay close attention and, if you can afford it, become an ACLU member if you’re not already. Or donate when you can.

As a friend of mine who’s a political scientist likes to say, “Totalitarianism always starts with words.”

Head Canon: Every time someone (usually a man) says something snotty/degrading to the women in Tony’s life, he gasps and covers his mouth and looks at the guy with wide eyes.

Man: Women shouldn’t be allowed to be field agents because they’re weaker than men. It’s a biological thing I’m not being sexist!
Tony: *gasps, covers mouth in horror*
Maria Hill: *smiles* I’m strong enough to carry your body into the woods.

Man: I just can’t believe we have a woman for our CEO, you know? As a tech company and everything? Tech is a man’s world, after all–
Tony: *gasps, covers mouth in horror*
Pepper: Didn’t you just ask me how to connect to the whiffee on your tablet? It’s pronounced why-fy by the way. And I can take apart and put back together the three latest Stark Pads and the five latest Stark Phones.

Man: I dunno, I just don’t see why Black Widow is on the team. It’s not like she has anything to add to the team!
Tony: *gasps, covers mouth in horror*
Natasha: I will snap your neck with my pinky finger alone.

Man: Women don’t belong in STEM!
Tony: *gasps, covers mouth in horror*
Jane: *snaps pencil, swivels around like a horror movie creature* What did you say!? Tony, are you watching?! I’m about to get a PhD in kicking someone’s ass!

Man: Women have no business– *screams*
Tony: *covers mouth in shock, watches guy fall to the floor spasming*
Darcy: Literally nothing he could have said would have been good. Thanks for the new taser by the way I love it.

Man: It should go back to the way it was, where women stayed at home and kept house! I’m tired of losing jobs to women for some affirmative action bullshit!
Tony: *gasps, covers mouth in horror*
Sharon: :) It :) would :) be :) a :) shame :) if :) you :) died :)

Steve: *accidentally says something sexist*
Tony: *flailing* HE’S FROM THE FORTIES AND DOESN’T KNOW THAT’S OFFENSIVE!
Literally Every Woman in the Room: *skeptical side-eye*
Steve: D: I apologize! I didn’t realize–I’m trying to learn! I know sometimes I don’t get it right but I am trying. :C
Literally Every Woman in the Room: *takes hand off sidearm*
(Steve is, of course, trying, and he would never be outright sexist but times (and women as a whole!) have changed a lot.)

Man-ssassin: Aw, a little old lady! This job is going to be the easiest I’ve ever had! >:3
Peggy: I won’t hesitate, you bastard. *pulls gun*
Tony: *hears gunshot, gasps in horror* Oh my God. Rest in fucking pieces then I guess.

Like I’m sure Tony could eviscerate any sexist he came across but he doesn’t need to because all of the women in his life are perfectly capable of doing it themselves (and better, sometimes!).