Scrapped Apologies.

Locked in his lab with his experiments Oakdown had a stack of papers.

Scraps of papers with words scribbled on them. 

To the untrained eye they would have looked simply like unorganized notes, but anyone who knew Oakdown knew how desperately he needed certain things to be neat. His notes being one of those few things. Trapped on those scraps of papers were the beginning to letters. 

Tap tap tap tap on the table and than at the height of tension he shoved his hand out sending the stack flying as he buried his face in his hands. 

It wasn’t his fault.
It wasn’t his fault.
It wasn’t his fault.

On the edges of most of the papers the scratchy and yet strangely beautiful circles read ‘To Vallen' 

What was the point of words? Trying to communicate with the dead? They were dead what the fuck did they care about how sorry he was? And wasn’t he being punished?

There was no point in apologizing if he was paying for it. 

He laid his head on the cold table, hoping the cold would ease the pain. Only the weak lost to hallucinations and he refused to be weak any longer. He wouldn’t lose Lungbarrow the way he lost Vallen - even if it all was a punishment. Tap tap tap tap and the world would fall away into a steady beat. 

Tap tap tap tap
Everything would fall away

Tap tap tap tap
And nothing had to hurt if he stopped focusing on it

Tap tap tap tap
And he wouldn’t have to care

Tap tap tap tap
He wouldn’t have to feel the guilt anymore.

All he wanted was Vallen back. To be the one who had died and taken it all with him. Why did the worthwhile people never live? Why did people like him and Lungbarrow survive? Cowards and bastards, liars and cheats.

He was so sorry. He was tired and crying. And so close to the edge and his breaking point.

So close to walking away.
And never able to.
Because it was always going to be his fault.

And with Lungbarrow he could atone.  

[[ Dear Ko, 

Happy belated six month anniversary. When you first encountered me on Ara I never would have guessed half a year later that I would have the universe that I have. I never would have guess that I’d have a Theta who is broken but brilliant and beautiful and made so much more stunning by the rock that keeps him steady. Sometimes late at night I sit and panic that you don’t enjoy this as much as I do and then it occurs to me that we have three AUs running and gods only know how many ideas that we throw back and forth.

I know I’m not the easiest partner in the universe. I’m a clingy pain who probably never understood what the words ‘stable’ or 'healthy relationship’ meant. 

You are the reason I have a family now. 

And it’s broken, and the people in it are imperfect at best. But they love me. And mean more to me than I ever thought possible. And it’s all you. It’s always you. 

And I know we’re not a couple and so counting time might seem a little silly but I wanted you to know that you have me. Through thick and thin you always have me to lean on. 

You are the Koschei to my Theta, the John to my Sherlock and now the Nezumi to my Shion. And I have never really deserved you. But that’s okay because life’s not fair and I’m okay having you and not deserving you and keeping you all to myself. 

Thank you for everything. Thank you for what is soon going to be eight months. 

I love you so much.

- Evie/Thete ]]

Not That Easy

Before he did anything, he wrote Theta a handwritten note. No goodbyes this time. Mainly because Brax couldn’t bring his hands to write it. But he took his time to carefully write, as neatly as he could, simply this:

I’m sorry. But I’m setting this right. I’m taking control back. 

Crying as he was, a couple of tears dripped on the paper before he could stop them, and he left it to dry. He wouldn’t have written the note at all, except that he felt it was only fair to let Theta know his intentions. That he’d done this for the right reasons. [x]

Theta had gone to classes. He’d been going to all his classes lately (sure he’d been spacing out in all of them but he was attending and it was stating to worry his teachers more than his disappearances had). But he had gone. He had ‘taken notes’ (or rather doodled out plans for his TARDIS). And now he was busy contemplating the nature of his job, which he was going to have to deal with. Eventually. He didn’t want to work tonight. 

But the last thing that was on his mind was the nonsense with Pandora.

So when he spotted the note at his door it took him three reads before the reality of the words to crash in on his world. 

The paper crinkles under the weight of Theta’s fist. He didn’t even open the door to see if Koschei was in. He was probably sleeping, and the truth was Theta’s mind had blanked. It didn’t occur to him to go and curl up with his boyfriend. Or to seek out Drax. What would he say anyway? My brother is going to die. Alone. In pain. And it’s my fault. I couldn’t change anything. Drax wasn’t even aware yet of just what Theta had been trying to do. It didn’t occur to him to go to Death, and knowing Her She’d have taunted him anyway. Something that had to happen. 


In truth his mind was set on one thing. 

He wanted his brother.

He took off, reaching his brother’s room in no time flat and kicking the door in. If he saw the state of the room it didn’t actually show. The fact of the matter was Brax wasn’t in here. That was all that mattered. He looked around the room carefully, as though he might somehow have missed someone. 

Mind still blank he climbed inside the closet, pushing out just enough of Brax’s things to curl up and close the door, closing himself inside the darkness.

You have to stop coming in here. It’s not appropriate.

His stomach turned at the memory and he tucked his knees close to his chest, burying his face in his knees. 

Brax would come from him.

Brax always saved him from the darkness. 

Held So Very Tightly

Theta smiled, unable to sleep despite Koschei leaving on the light for him. He was shocked that his dark haired love had managed to doze off. He was more surprised by the fact that he had talked himself into getting up and turning the lights off all on his own. He froze in the moment turning away from the switch, and not because the darkness and the way the shadows shifted had caused him to snap, no. It was the way Koschei looked in the glow of the twin suns. 

And how it brought him back.

All this had started because two boys were so alone in the universe. One boy’s brother always lying for him and letting him play in the sun-touched fields. He could still remember the scolding he got when he finally told Brax about the boy he had met. The boy who had walked right up to him and punched him calling him an idiot. He couldn’t help the smile that crossed his face at the thought. 

That was the part of the story he always shared happily. That was the part that amused everyone. It shocked no one. Koschei had always been violent. Always had a touch of madness about him, and Theta was taken with him almost immediately. Everyone in his House had been so much older than him - the last of the cousin’s to be loomed. He slid closer to the bed, pushing back a few strands of Koschei’s hair.

We spent some time together…walking, spent some time just talking ‘bout who we were. You held my hand so very tightly and told me what we could be dreaming of…” He laughed quietly and kissed Koschei’s cheek shaking his head. 

Koschei had dragged him through those fields. 

You’re mine. You trespassed and that’s wrong. I could go to my Father you know! So now you’re mine! For the day…

Theta chuckled again remember that. He hadn’t argued. How could he have argued. He had, after all, broken the rules. It would have been well within Koschei’s rights to go straight to his father and then Lungbarrow would be contacted and then there would have been punishments the like Theta had never seen before and Brax would have never spoken to him again. 

And if he was being honest with himself he wanted a friend. Even a bossy companion. 

Looking back on things he suspect Koschei had simply wanted the same thing, and he had hesitated in his harshness with the grass-cuddling blonde moron.

Theta’s hand found Koschei’s and gripped it tightly as he followed the memories. He couldn’t remember all the ways they said things. Just that they talked and spoke about their Houses. Nothing to deep. Nothing dangerous. You didn’t air dirty laundry in public with new friends and not necessarily because you cared for the House’s integrity but because you didn’t want to scare your new friend. But he could recall Koschei’s grip, his gleaming smirk - finally the boss of someone, and the sound of his laughter. 

The hot sting of tears made it’s way down his cheeks.

“I want to travel” he whispered as the memory reached the point where Theta had spoken about himself, “But I’m going to be an important Time Lord. Better than Rassilon. On the Council and everything. No adventures for me…”

And Koschei hadn’t been sure he really wanted to travel, just that the sight of the blonde so unhappy tore him apart somehow. Theta remembered the way his grip tightened, he shook his head and walked the blonde back to the the edge of the property. 

You’re not their property you know. 

There had been such confusion in his eyes, and Koschei hadn't clarified. Not for a long time. No. He simply made one demand.

You have to come back. Every day. Or I’ll tell my Father. 

It was hardly a threat anymore. But Theta had complied. He had a friend. One that said such crazy and bold things out loud where people might hear him. 

There’s nothing like you and I….nothing like you and I. There’s nothing like you and I.

He felt his hearts pick of speed for a moment as he lost true control over the rate at which the tears fell. It wasn’t that nothing had changed. Not at all. So much had changed. But it was the important things that hadn’t changed one bit. Theta would always be Theta. A beautiful idiot, stumbling his way through the universe. And Koschei would always be Koschei. An icy statue that only the most talented of sculptors could thing up, gripping his hand tightly enough to keep him from dying and reminding Theta that he is loved. They would always be to brilliant boys with a touch of madness about them, and the will to change everything to give the other the happiness they deserve. 

“Love…the suns are rising…hey…get up sleepy head. … I love you.”


[[ Happy birthday m'dear.

Because there’s honestly nothing like you and I. When they talk about chemistry - well we’ve got it coming out everywhere. From the moment you decided to follow me on Ara we just meshed in a way I didn’t think I’d mesh with a partner ever again. You read me perfectly and to think - we chose characters who’d grown up together - with such a heavy future stacked against them…there’s so many ways this really shouldn’t have worked. This could have gone so explosively wrong. But from that first roleplay it was there and you are incredible.

You support Theta and I every step. Whenever I get nervous or second-guess myself you’re there lecturing me about his awesome. And you tolerate me deconstructing everything just for fun and then putting it back together. And my endless rants about the universe and the constant talking. And it’s just magic. 

So here’s to you. Because you can’t write fluffy!Thete and I can’t write torture!Koschei I got you some nice fluff for your birthday (mixed with some feels I’m sorry). 

So I hope you like it. I thought it was about time we had a proper headcanon around their first encounter. 

<3 Happy 19th Birthday <3 ]] 

Tears to Lillies

[Not Sent] Lilly I’m sorry I lied. Please come by 221C. We’ll have cookies. We’ll bitch about what a bastard he was. You’ll cry I’ll be a proper knight in shining army.

[Not Sent] It’ll be great. You’ll see. 

Theta stared at his phone silently, the darkness of the apartment starting to eat away at his sanity. 

Everyone always forgot just how far the boy could really see. He had one blind spot and it certainly wasn’t the woman he called Lady Lilly. He would watch from the safety of his apartment, from the safety of having a man upstairs who had set him up down here specifically so that Lilly could visit him without having to disturb anyone. And Theta felt the life leave his lungs again. 

Lilly was beauty.

Lilly was brilliance.

She had stood between him and Ginger when the Master had finally gone one step too far and tried to rob the blonde of his light and his freedom. She had been his Champion when he had been to young and afraid to truly fight back for himself - and against the Master he had never stood a chance. But with Lilly in front of him demanding there had to be another way and Sherlock in his shadow reminding him he had the right to choose for himself what he wanted - the boy had actually stood a chance. 

And who was Theta? 

He was supposed to be her Knight.

He wasn’t supposed to be the one who failed her. When it came right to it he couldn’t do the one thing she had done for him without a second’s hesitation. 

And suddenly the world gave out around him and the floor was so much closer than it had been before. 

And his vision was so much more blurry.

The world was empty. 

His universe was growing empty. It was becoming so incredibly dark. And in the midst of it all the blonde couldn’t understand and he couldn’t accept. 

Lilly was a flame. 

But she had been more than that. 

She had been the oxygen that fed the flame.

So how could she be gone?

[Not Sent] What is a Knight without his Queen?

In the Shape of Things to Come

“All alone in space and time. There’s nothing here, but what here’s mine.”

Theta closes the door to his room, looking around quietly at the piles of Earth objects. There wasn’t a free space for a person to really  move around in, but he loved everything far to much to start getting rid of any of it. He had maps, globes, books, trinkets, toys ~ all belonging to various time periods on Earth and he valued each object with his life. On the ceiling he had taped up several maps of the night sky from various locations on Earth. 

But he wasn’t smiling, his eyes no longer filled with the strange childish sparkle that lit up any room he entered. He clenches his first, slamming it into the wall behind him. His breaths are shallow, stressed, and bitter. Solaris had told him to stay away, she wouldn’t talk about what happened. She had insisted it was not anyone’s fault, but right now he didn’t even care about any of that. Just one tiny grain of sand compared to the mountain of problems that seemed to be in front of him. 

A wanted criminal. A renegade. A murderer. A man who ran away. But why? But why? What sort of a man left his best friend behind? More importantly what sort of a man betrayed and left their best friend behind? What sort of man was this ‘Doctor’ that he was going to become? Doctor Who? Theta didn’t want to be the Doctor anymore, of that he was growing more certain with every detail he managed to pick out. The Doctor was his worst nightmare finally come to pass. A man who had failed Koschei and lost what made life here at the Academy worth it. 

Theta crosses the small space of the room with ease, despite the mess. His feet know the floor plan better than his mind. He ignores the pain in his hand, touching the bed gently. Was it really only a few days ago he and Koschei laid here together? How could one conversation with an old man and a few women and a Doctor change everything so dramatically? He was going to fail Koschei. He didn’t know how he was supposed to beat the odds. How many centuries would they spend separated, hating each other? Fearing each other. 

Theta felt his body give out underneath him as he collapsed to the floor, pushing over a pile books. He buries his face into the mattress, and lets out a loud, strained scream of frustration, hitting the mattress with all his strength.

“What….am I supposed to do…?”

“Cause there’s nothing else to do. Every me, and every you.”

[ Lyrics from (and written to) Every You, Every Me by Placebo ]


Cute is What We Aim For - Time

The roads are wrapped around your waist
They lead me place to place
I take trips from hip to hip
In fact, I’ve made a career out of it
I’ve always thought the left was your strongest side
But when it comes to you now I can’t decide
It’s only a matter of time

I need the product of your fears
In the form of tears
It’s the only way I can survive
It breaks my heart to see you crying, baby 
It’s the only way I’ll stay alive
Green eyes, blue skies
Natural disasters when she cries
Green eyes, they’re mine
It’s only a matter of time.


Beauty from Pain by Superchick 

Here I am at the end of me 
Tryin’ to hold to what I can’t see
I forgot how to hope
This night’s been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today, someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Perfect World

Covered in soot to the extent that his blond hair had almost turned black.

Homeless and uncaring though the boy rarely ever bothered to wash it off. He had better things to do. 

To think just a few months ago he was just angel and the martyr that would fall for anything was laughable at best. Theta Sigma had become a Champion of Death alright, but in a very different capacity. Splintered timelines were things that occurred all the time. Every potential played itself out where it could. But this case was ever so slightly different.

It was a choice. 

A moment where Theta had decided to stop smoldering and blaze brightly and destroy everything in his path. 

One boy stepped forward and went back to Gallifrey.
One boy got left behind to take care of things.

But what neither of them had considered was the dangers of leaving a Time Loop (even a stable one) unchecked for so long. A Time Loop without anyone else on his stream. A second recording on an already existent piece of data.

Followed by another choice.

One boy stayed at Baker Street to keep an eye on things.
One boy walked out the door with a leather jacket, a lighter, and a collection of burned buildings in his wake. 

He settled himself in the ashes of the warehouse. A boy who couldn’t die. A boy with a black notebook and an itch that simply couldn’t be scratched no matter how hard he tried. He flicked a match watching the small flame flicker in his eyes with a quiet smirk. He never bothered to check anymore if people were in the buildings. Everything burned. And this was the wrong part of town where no one asked questions. He threw the match to his side, watching another blaze grow from pieces of the building that hadn’t gone down in the initial blaze.

The whole universe would burn at his feet. 

He would save them all and send them all to their graves. 

He would watch everything burn. 

The explosion didn’t even cause him to flinch. He had used propane. More than was probably necessary. But honestly who kept that many tanks of it in their house. For grilling? Really? No. 

He held the lighter up to the sky in the direction of the fire in cheers. 

Soot covered his hair, his clothes, and skin. And the smirk on his face spoke of a boy who had lost all sense of morality.

But really who was going to put an end to a firebug who could skip through all of space and time at a whim? 


All of them.