everything is awful

2
AGUST D

there are so many important messages that suga is trying to convey to his listeners through his mixtape and im sure that if you’ve read the lyric translations, you definitely know what i mean. i am seriously blown away that we’ve been fans of bts for what, 3 years now? for 3 years, ARMYs have easily labelled yoongi as ‘lazy’, given him that ‘idagf’ image, and yet, we were oblivious to so many of his hardships. we’ve always known that he’s hardworking, more quiet than the other members, and more reflective, but this mixtape honestly blew me away because yoongi’s gone through so much in his idol career and we had no idea. 

first off, he touches on a sensitive topic that idols don’t speak openly about: mental health. he raps about seeing a psychiatrist, battling with depression, self-hate, experiencing social phobia since age 18, putting on a front, and loneliness. His entire song “The Last” really touches on this:

a word said like habit, oh, I don’t give a shit, I don’t give a fuck
those words are all words I use to hide my weak self
that time I want to erase, that’s right, the memories I want to erase of that day I had that concert
I was afraid of people, so I hid in the bathroom and stared at myself

and in “So Far Away”:

I’m in so much pain and lonliness but people around me keeping telling me to regain my consciousness
I try to vent my anger but I only got myself so what’s the point of venting my anger
I’m scared to open my eyes everyday and start breathing

these lyrics from ‘At Dawn’ also illustrate this:

I pretend I’m not lonely, I pretend I’m not suffering
I pretend I’m okay for no reason, meaninglessly I pretend to be strong
don’t come over the wall I’ve put up in front of myself
don’t throw me off this island in this wide sea 

he also talks about his struggles during his trainee days and i dont think he’s ever talked in depth about this period of his life. this mixtape gives us some insight about him moving to seoul, getting a part time job to afford the cost of living in the city, going to school dead tired after work, and still training with big hit to live out his dreams

was I needy for success? No just needy for money
it’d been a long time since I forgot the words ‘in style’
I practiced at night and went to my part time job at dawn
then even if I dragged that tired body to school I just slept
I became 20 that way, the sight of the graduation room was suspicious

and the fact that he admits he puts up a front:

I hide the self that’s behind my defensive posture
I hide myself completely like I’ve become a criminal, always
I can’t even take one step outside the dorm that’s like a prison 

all of these are reasons im so moved. because it really highlights how idols only show one side of themselves to the camera, and fans can never really know them fully. we only know the version of bts’ min yoongi that he wants to show us through shows and broadcasts. 

behind every idol rapper who succeeds
there’s a weak self standing, it’s a little dangerous
I fall sometimes again into depression and compulsion
hell no, anyway I don’t even know if that’s the real me

but through his music? through his mixtape, he’s trying to show us another side of him, and i’m so thankful that he’s opened up to his worldwide audience. this takes courage. talking openly about your hardships and your weaknesses to people who look up to you, that takes some damn courage. so thank you, yoongi, for opening up to your fans. 

Zombie Apocalypse AU
  • Shiro is a veteran. All of this situation is just triggering his PTSD, but he has to get through this, he’s got fucking kids to look after now. He’s the only one who really knows what to do in a combat situation, he’s always on edge, always looking over his shoulder. He has to have his arm amputated after he gets bitten saving Pidge, but it saves his life and keeps him with them. He’s just trying to get them through this all alive.
  • Pidge’s father, Dr Holt, was the leader of the research team that was working on something top secret. The top secret something was leaked, and led to the outbreak. They just wanted to find their father and brother Matt (who was also working in the labs), because they’re certain that they’re the ones who might know about a cure. They’re small, but agile and competent, and with Hunk they make a formidable team that can make any piece of electronics or machinery work again. However, they’re also stubborn to a fault and incessantly curious, which gets them into trouble.
  • Allura is the daughter of the man that funded the research that led to the outbreak. When he went missing along with Sam and Matt Holt, she became determined to find out what the hell was going on. Unfortunately, there is no other way to get to the labs other than travelling on foot. She is surprisingly competent in combat and survival situations, incredibly brave and incredibly intelligent. She and Shiro work well together, and if there’s something more there, well… this isn’t the time or place.
  • Hunk was an engineering student: now he’s stuck crossing the country with five other people, only one of which he actually knows, and he’s terrified, but he also knows that it’s better for them to be together than alone. As well as the designated cook (he works with what he has), he’s amazing at getting things to work again, and for a while it’s thanks to him that they have a vehicle. He’s extremely reluctant to kill zombies, so he leaves that to Lance, but his strength comes in handy.
  • Lance is technically just a kid who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, but he’s good with a baseball bat and has amazing aim. He’s Hunk’s best friend, and he was just swimming along in his modest coffeeshop job and dance scholarship, unsure of where to go in life, until the outbreak happened. Now he’s determined to find out whether his family is safe, which means heading south with the others. Keith really gets on his nerves.
  • Keith is a mystery. He knows Shiro, and Shiro knows him, but other than that, he just… appeared. He’s good at fighting, but he’s also good at just rushing in and nearly getting them all killed, a habit he shares with Pidge. Not even Keith knows it, but he holds the cure, as it’s running inside his veins (he never knew that his real father, Dr Thace, was also one of Dr Holt’s scientists). Lance infuriates him, but there’s definitely something else beyond just aggravation there.

worst

it has been three years and i am still picking gravel from the skin of my knees where i knelt too long by altars that only ever burned down. i am godforsaken and forsaking god, a church of disappearing deities. heaven is receding and i am retreating and i am sick of pretending things have changed. i didn’t want to be this burning person, this bloody body with a bible between my teeth but here we are anyway. god’s gone and i’m leaving. what is the use of abandoning something that is already vacant? what is the use of being there at all?
—  GOD, FORSAKEN || s.o.