everything i learned in college

What being autistic means to me

For me, being autistic means being extreme. There is no way to explain it differently.

I am extremely human.

In many ways, I’m very rational. I rely a lot on my thinking and well, I think a lot. I am extremely interested in getting knew knowledge and in discussions about almost anything I can get extremely opinionated. I am very direct and honest. I speak my mind. I love solving problems which is why I often get extremely involved in them. I can spend hours studying for college – because I love everything I learn so much. Because I like to understand things. I have an extreme eye for details, patterns and logical connections. I am very analytical and I love analyzing – I can focus so perfectly on it that it almost feels like I never think anything else. I am philosophical, I like taking many and different approaches. I rather collect and connect the details myself than see the whole picture. I think extremely often about myself and analyze me and my behavior a lot. I talk to others about it and take their opinions into account. I try to learn about myself and improve through that. I am dedicated to take as many details as possible into account and connect them with each other. And it feels like I’m making progress every day, even if it’s just a little and even though it sometimes might need a few setbacks.

But I can be extremely emotional as well. I am so unbelievably passionate about the things that mean something to me. I can see beauty everywhere, in the strangest places. I can feel deeply. Sometimes, I like people so much because they approach me in the right way. Because of how I can speak to them. I enjoy their presence. But I can get extremely overwhelmed, too. I stress easily and worry a lot – about myself, others and just life in general. Sometimes I feel so strongly that I can’t describe it or even become numb. I love deeply and I love a lot of things. With all my heart. In my honesty, there is often a lot of kindness as well. I can get really involved in music, stories, art and people, even to a point of dedication.

I am extremely sensitive. I hear too many sounds and they are way too loud. Some of them even hurt – like a police siren, or the sound of chairs moving across the floor. And all these noises are tiring. Light blinds me extremely. You can easily scare me or make me jump. I am extremely ticklish. I can be sooo picky about my food, you wouldn’t believe it. And I am very aware of every aspect of my body, even though I can be extremely insensitive to pain. Sometimes it all gets overwhelming – then I often need to either sleep or cry.

For me, being autistic means being extreme. Extremely human.

I am tired.

These last few weeks have truly shown me who really matters in my life. I’ve learned that high school friends, are purely just that. High school friends. They are the people you thought would be by your side, but instead leave you out of everything and get drunk with your abusive ex boyfriend instead of you. Because they’ve always cared more about going out to parties and getting drunk than they ever did about my friendship. I’ve learned that I don’t have to keep people in my life that bring me down. I can simply choose to move on and find people that fill my life full of happiness and color. I’ve learned that college friends, are everything. I’ve learned that what I’m doing in life is amazing, and that I am actually doing something significant with it. I’ve learned that I am special to people, and that I am wanted. I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel sad, and that it’s okay to open up to people. I’ve learned that I am loved, and that I have some of the most incredible human beings in my life, and I wish I could express to them how much they mean to me without it being weird. For once I feel like I am good enough. For once I feel like I belong. 

I am tired from the people that keep bringing me down, and hurting me, and finding ways to ruin my happiness. 

But I am learning to move on. 

4

Hey friends so the other day I waited to meet fall out boy at the hotel/airport for almost 24 hours (yes) and I eventually got to meet Pete wentz and he high fives me and said he was glad I made it and I got to watch him talk about everything you could imagine for an entire hour in trinity college (I learned so much from him honestly) and I made friends with the visual tech guy Eric at the hotel who gave me andys used drumsticks at the end of the concert and it was a great time

the main thing I’ve learned in college is that everything in our society is intricately nuanced and intertwined in such a way that it’s impossible to separate one cause, system, meaning from another. I’m so tired

This isn’t anything new, but after having a conversation with someone I’ve grown more passionate about our educational system. There are classes that are more important than advanced trigonometry. 

We need classes on taxes, interaction with police, climate change, cooking and other household duties, sex education, social skills, history of the world(from other perspectives), music and so much more. 

Of course this a pipe dream and of course this isn’t a new thought, but I wanted to share. It’s terrible to know that at the age of 20, everything I learned of some importance I learned on my own or at college. I shouldn’t have had to be lost and blind to the world until I was legally an adult.