I think I keep falling in love with people to distract myself from the fact that I cannot fall in love with myself. I have loved other human beings more than myself, I have loved their flesh and bones more than my own. Not because my love for them was immense, but because the love I had for myself was lacking. I had so much of love and I gave it all away without leaving any for myself, and I know that was wrong. I am trying to love this shell that I am in, along with everything inside of it. I have been searching for the love of my life for so long, I never realized that they were right inside of me. They have been all along.
This is a very interesting question, and I suppose I’m never quite sure. There are sometimes these literal gut feelings I have, like I miss one of my characters, I want to go write them for a while, and I suppose that is inspiring. But for the most part, my instinct with everything has just always been to tell stories. When I was a kid, I was a compulsive liar. I have just always made everything into a story. I am always searching for the story, and it is probably more this instinct than anything that inspires me to write.
31. What’s the nicest thing someone has ever said about your writing?
Overall, like in my whole big life, I remember that when I got into my MFA program, and I first met one of my brilliant professors, and she told me that the thing she could not forget about my writing, and my truest talent, was my vision for small but effective juxtapositions in imagery. She compared me to Truman Capote, and her example was this image from In Cold Blood: “the bloody knife on the hope chest.” I think she was being emphatic but still. It was very nice. :-)
43. Is there anyone in your fandom who really inspires you?
I’ve often been inspired by these writers who have had multiple long form fictions going at once, like @littleblue-eyedbird or @love-in-nature. It’s so rare to find writers that prolific anywhere. I can only ever really have one pot going on the stove at once. I can’t split my energies. So watching these writers work can be mesmerizing and so, so impressive. I’m also most certainly inspired by @thevikingwoman for her investment in Sene and Solas, Sene in particular. I love how you worry and root for her. She is a masterpiece for me in many ways, and I’m so glad you’re on her side. Ooh and @5ftgarden? I just luv ya. You are a creative jack of all trades. You do it all, and you do it so well. And I love having you as a reader. And :kisses you: <3
I search for your face in every mirror I don’t look twice in.
I’m afraid I won’t find you,
and you will look just like me.
Everything is heavy again.
Like every night I am returning to an empty home I forced into abandonment.
I want to cry without feeling guilty.
I’d like to stop casting the first stone.
I’m covered in bruises shaped like my own hands.
Sometimes, I daydream about dividing up my bones,
like a backwards puzzle
I don’t want piece together.
Do you ever wonder if people pray to you to prove they’re good enough to do so?
Do you ever wonder if people really love you for you,
or for the stories and perks that come with your name?
I’m not saying I’m like you.
I’m just saying if a supreme being can doubt their own existence,
I can, too.
I think all the wine I’ve drank is turning back into water.
I’m learning to love drowning on dry land.
It helps me remember the concept of breathing.
I am always tired.
Do you ever rest?
Or are you kept awake by the thousand aching voices washed away in your anger?
Will I become like them?
the burning sinner, the praying bush | bianca phipps