Because apparently I love self-inflicted pain and dying and being dead so here’s a short piece I wrote about breaking up with Harry.
Maybe you and Harry have been dating for a while but you two have been keeping it quiet. He hasn’t done any interviews in a while since the band’s break and all, so how were people supposed to know anyway? But he’s due to be back in the center of everything with the eyes of the world taking in any and every detail he might give. And they’re gonna wanna know- is he still on the market? Is Harry Styles, now solo artist and big screen actor, still single and ready to mingle with these models with the long legs and the silky hair and the lot?
You want him to say no. He’s yours and you’re his and you want to be able to acknowledge that outside of your home. I mean, who brushes their teeth next to him, making silly faces in the mirror and bumping hips while trying not to spit out their toothpaste from all the giggling? Who sends him boring texts about the everyday things, like, “don’t forget tomorrow’s rubbish collection day, put the bin out” or, “saw a man walking with his dog and was sad you weren’t next to me to talk about it” and who knows exactly how he takes his tea (just milk, no sugar, thank you) or how he’ll be too polite to order his sandwich without the tomatoes? All of that are things only you have the pleasure of knowing. So you want him to say no, I’m actually not single, I’ve got a lovely girlfriend, thank you very much.
But you also want him to say yes, I’m single. It would protect you from the inevitable questions and stares that follow the news that Harry Styles is completely and wholeheartedly taken. But more importantly, it would protect him from the added stress of having to address yet another topic that he would rather keep private. Because although he’s papped everywhere he goes and his fans know about his every move, he’s rather secretive and likes to keep certain things to himself. You’ve learned that over the years. His exposure to years of unwavering stares from the public conditioned him to always withhold the important things. Revealing someone like you to the world would be too personal and too intimate for him. That’s unprofessional, ‘s not about the music, ’s between you an’ me, he says.
So when his management asks what you two are going to be telling the world in a few weeks when Harry’s back at it with the interviews and the appearances and the works, you have no answer. They try to persuade you for the millionth time to “just tell a few people and we’ll see where it goes from there.” And you panic. Because “from there” is at the top of a hill with a pebble as your foundation, rolling down down down and building a colossal boulder of hateful comments, wild conspiracy theories and downright abusive actions.
You panic. You absolutely panic. And then you panic even more.
You’re worried and guilty for Harry, who’s suddenly more focused on how you’re feeling about this than on his single that’s due for release in days’ time. You’re worried and guilty for his whole team, which consists of real people whose real jobs entail getting correct and consistent information about Harry Styles™. You’re worried and guilty for his fans, who are awaiting new material from their idol but might get a little more than what they bargained for, should you ever be revealed to them.
“Babe, I don’t wanna hide you,” He’s rubbing a knuckle up and down your cheek as you try to control your breathing, his green eyes full of concern and frustration. You two are finally sitting down about this and considering your options, seriously debating on the pros and cons of hiding or laying it out there. He’s ready to tell everyone- you’re not. This hasn’t been easy for anyone.
“I know you don’t, but wouldn’t it be easier to-”
“I don’t want easy, I want you-”
“Well maybe you shouldn’t want me!” You cry out. After twenty minutes of back and forth, you’re finally losing it. You push his hand away from your cheek, standing up and away from him. You can feel your heart thump against your ribcage like a bass drum, so hard you’re surprised it hasn’t burst through your chest. But you’re certain it will soon as you find the courage to say what you’ve been thinking for the past few days. “Maybe you shouldn’t want me,” you repeat.
“What?” Harry’s brows furrow as he follows suit and stands up to move closer to you and tries to hold you again. “Babe, don’t kid with me right now and let’s just-”
“Let’s end this, Harry.”
And just like that he takes a step back and freezes. “You don’t mean tha’.”
You’re staring up at him sadly, nodding your head to indicate, yes, you absolutely mean it. “You don’t need this right now, with the album, and the movie-” and you would’ve said how much it hurts you to break it off if he didn’t grab your arms and smash his lips against yours.
It’s not so much a kiss as it is tight and desperate and a little wet because you realize you’re crying and he’s crying and he’s whispering plea after plea for you to think about this, baby, you don’t mean that, as if you haven’t talked yourself out of doing this a million times.
But you can’t be selfish about this anymore. You’ve had him for longer than you probably deserve, and it’s time to give him back to the fans, the music critics and the rest of the world. You can’t be selfish in letting him continue on with the relationship, giving him the burden of ending it after a few months of scrutiny. You know that it would be much easier for you to break it off now than it would be for him to break it off later down the line, when he realizes, yeah, this isn’t gonna work.
“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry,” You whisper against his lips. You’re both clinging onto one another, because you’re both finally accepting what’s going to happen and that it’s for the best. “I’ll always love you, you know?” He nods against your forehead and lets out a sob, and you can’t help but cry even more. “I’m so proud of you, baby. And I know your fans are gonna love your album, so just focus on that, yeah?”
“Please don’t leave me,” he pleads one last time, but you both know that this is it. He’s got to be Harry Styles for now, and you couldn’t bear to get in the way of that.
read part 2 here!
Thank you so much for reading!
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