every value i have ever had is being questioned and i am loving it

There Will Be Blood

I didn’t know my face was caved in, but I knew it wasn’t good.

I knew it wasn’t good from the sound my cheek had made when it hit the dasher above the boards. I knew it wasn’t good because the referee had blown his whistle so quickly. I knew it wasn’t good because our trainer, John Wharton, had jumped over the boards right away to check on me.

I saw the blood on the ice, but I didn’t know the right side of my face was caved in.

My only thought was, O.K., this is a bad one. How many stitches?

It was Game 6 of the ’96 Western Conference finals against the Colorado Avalanche. We had to win the game in their barn to keep the series alive. The whole series was a bloodbath. To say “there was no love lost” between us would be an understatement. I rarely ever use the word “hate,” but I’ll use it here. We hated them. They hated us. That’s just the way it was.

Moments before, I had collected the puck along the boards and made a pass, and I was drifting backwards right by our bench. The next thing I knew, I got hit from behind. I felt my face hit the top of the boards. Everything went black for a second. I was on all fours, trying to get up, but I couldn’t.

I looked up at our trainer and he was blurry, but I could see this look of horror on his face. I’ll never forget that look. He put a towel over my head to hide my injuries. The last thing I remember is him and Keith Primeau helping me to my feet and escorting me off the ice to the dressing room.

Then I blacked out.

The next thing I remember is waking up in the dressing room, and looking up at our trainers and our doctor, and finally feeling the pain. 

Then I blacked out again.

The next time I came to, I sat up and the pain was gone. I didn’t know it, but I was on some serious painkillers. So I started trying to put on my shoulder pads so I could get back on the ice.

Our team doc said, “Kris, what the hell are you doing?”

I said, “What period is it? Am I stitched up?”

He said, “Uh … Kris, you better take a look at this.”

And he walked me over to the mirror.

The right side of my face was caved in.

He told me the damage: Broken orbital bone. Broken cheekbone. Broken nose. Broken jaw.

That was not the worst news.

I asked, “What’s the score?”

“It’s 4–1. Colorado.”

O.K.

Then I asked, “Who hit me?”

“Lemieux.”


March, 26, 1997.

Say the date to anybody in Detroit or Colorado and they’ll know exactly what you mean.

March, 26, 1997.

Exactly 301 days after I broke my face.

It’s hard to believe that it was 20 years ago this month. But if I just tell you the story of that brawl, it won’t do it justice. A 21-year-old reading this right now was just a baby when it happened. If they’ve only seen the YouTube videos, they probably think we were all a bunch of animals. But the reason things got so out of hand on March 26, 1997, is because of everything that happened before and after that brawl.

See, we have to go back.

Everybody involved in that fight had a story. For me, you have to go back to Career Day when I was in sixth grade in West Hill, Ontario. The teacher went around the room and asked every kid what they wanted to be when they grew up.

Doctor. Lawyer. Teacher. Veterinarian.

Everybody smiled and nodded.

When it was my turn to go, I said, “I’m going to play in the NHL.”

I was a small kid, so there was some laughter in the room. After school was over, I was sitting outside on the portable step, and I’ll never forget this as long as I live: This kid (who shall remain nameless), came up to me and said, “Ha! You’ll never play in the NHL.”

Just the way he said it, with such certainty, always stuck with me. I used it as motivation. I’d picture his face, and just the way he said it, and I’d think, Oh yeah? I’ll show you.

My mentality was that I was going to do whatever it took to make it to the NHL, and for the first few years of my career, it was a real struggle. I spent four years in the Winnipeg Jets’ system, mostly toiling away in the minors before they traded me to the Red Wings in ’93, just as Scotty Bowman was taking over as head coach.

So one night I’m playing for the Adirondack Red Wings in the AHL, and I score a hat trick. I come out of the locker room after the game, and there’s Scotty with a few Red Wings scouts. I had no idea they were in the building.

I’m thinking, Finally, they saw the hat trick. Now they know what I can do. Now I’ll get my chance.

The first thing Scotty says to me is, “Do you know how many face-offs you won tonight?”

Face-offs were just starting to be kept as an official stat, especially in the AHL.

So I said, “No, sir, I’m not really sure.”

Scotty said, “You won 19 of 21. Can you do that in the National Hockey League?”


Six weeks later, I got called up to the Detroit Red Wings. The implication was pretty clear. If I wanted to be one of Scotty’s guys, I had to grind. I was 5′ 10″, 180 pounds and I was joining a team with unbelievable skill guys — Sergei Fedorov, Steve Yzerman, Slava Kozlov, Keith Primeau, Vladimir Konstantinov, Paul Coffey, and a young Nick Lidström. So my mindset was that I was going to be the biggest pain in the ass you ever played against. I definitely knew my place. But I didn’t know my exact value until we played the Sharks in the ’94 playoffs. After we beat them in Game 3, I was getting interviewed by a reporter from a San Jose newspaper. After he finished up, he turned to me and said, “Hey, not bad for a kid who was traded for a dollar, huh?”

And he started to walk away.

I said, “Excuse me … what did you just say?”

He said, “Yeah, a dollar. Winnipeg traded you for a buck. Now you’re playing in the Stanley Cup playoffs. Pretty good … Wait, you don’t know the story?”

I turned and looked at our public relations guy, totally confused.

He said, “Uh, yeah, Kris. It’s true.”

I’m like, “What? I was traded for future considerations.”

He says, “Yeah, well, you know, when Scotty called you up from the AHL, they still hadn’t worked out the considerations, officially. So Bryan Murray called Mike Smith and … well … you were traded for cash considerations.”

“A buck?”

“A buck.”

Whenever somebody tells me I was traded for a bag of pucks, I have to politely correct them — because a bag of pucks would’ve been a lot more expensive. But I loved it, because the whole story just added to my underdog mentality.

We ended up losing that first-round series to the Sharks in seven games, which was bitterly disappointing. Then in ’95, we felt like we were so close to the promised land, but we got swept by the Devils in the Stanley Cup finals. That’s when the questions started.

A lot of people don’t remember this now, but at the time, we were getting a tremendous amount of heat for not being tough enough to win a Cup. The media was questioning the leadership of guys like Yzerman and Fedorov, if you can believe that. They were questioning the way our whole team was built. The implication was that we were skilled but soft.

So we came out in ’95–96 with a gigantic collective chip on our shoulders. The first two months of the season, we were on fire. With our speed and skill, we overwhelmed teams. Then, on December 2, 1995, we went into the old Montreal Forum to play Patrick Roy and the Canadiens. That night, something happened that changed hockey forever.

We came out hot. Roy let in four goals, then five, then six….

For whatever reason, they wouldn’t pull him.

Seven. Eight. They still wouldn’t pull him.

We were all kind of looking at each other on the bench like, What’s the deal here?

At one point, the crowd did a mock cheer when Roy made a save. It was ridiculous, because he was such an incredible goalie.

Finally, after nine goals, Roy had had enough and just pulled himself. Later on, it came out in the press that when Roy got back to the bench, he turned to the president of the Canadiens and said, “This is my last game in Montreal.”

Roy was traded to the Avalanche a few days later. That was the moment when the whole rivalry between us and Colorado got its spark. He never forgot what we did to him at the Forum. From that moment on, he took it to another level when he played us.

It felt like destiny that we would have to go through Colorado in the playoffs that season. And, wouldn’t you know it, who was waiting for us in the ’96 Western Conference finals? Roy and the Avalanche.

This is the part of the story where things get a little crazy.

Most people think that the feud started when I broke my face in Game 6. But it started way before that. From the first drop of the puck of Game 1, guys were taking runs, slashing, grabbing, sucker punching, you name it. There’s no point in even going over every incident. We did stuff. They did stuff. If you played in the NHL playoffs back then, you were not coming out unscatched. I’m not glorifying it, but that was the way it was.

Early in Game 3, Slava Kozlov rammed Adam Foote’s head into the glass and cut him pretty good. Later on in the period, Claude Lemieux snuck up behind Slava and sucker punched him in the back of the head to get revenge.

Our bench went crazy. And then the whole game went crazy. And then the whole series went crazy. Everything turned into a battle. We were battling over loose sticks from the benches.


Game 3 was the moment when the rivalry rose to another level entirely. We wanted to win that series so, so bad. Colorado was not a team full of goons. That’s the thing. They were an unbelievable team that had everything you could want — pure skill with Sakic and Forsberg, grit and experience with Lemieux, Kamensky and Ricci. And, of course, they also had Roy.

They had everything we had. They were a tremendous team, and we didn’t like them one bit.

So when I looked in the mirror after I got hit from behind in Game 6, and I saw my broken face, I was kind of numb.

But when the trainers told me that Colorado had won, and that the series was over….

I was beside myself. I was so disappointed.

The doctors advised me to stay in Colorado to have surgery right away, but I wanted to be on the plane with the guys. I wanted to be back in Detroit. So I draped a towel over my head and walked out of the building, and I got on the plane and waited for the guys.

My teammates didn’t actually know how bad my injuries were until they got on the plane and saw me. So they had gone through the whole handshake line not knowing my face was caved in. That’s the backstory for Dino Ciccarelli’s famous quote about Lemieux: “I can’t believe I shook this guy’s friggin’ hand after the game. That pisses me right off.”

I still remember sitting at the front of that plane with the doctors, and all my teammates getting on and tapping me on the shoulder and telling me it was going to be alright.

When we got back to Detroit, I was in the hospital for four days. I couldn’t eat solid food for six weeks because my jaw had to be wired shut. Having your jaw wired shut sucks, but it sucked even more in 1996 because they didn’t have all the protein shakes and fancy smoothies in every store like they have today. For the most part, I was drinking Ensure. Sometimes I got lucky and they’d let me have a chocolate milk shake.

I wish this story could have Smell-O-Vision, because if you could only smell a vanilla Ensure right now, you’d know how miserable I really was. But the worst pain, by far, was knowing that the Avalanche were dominating the Panthers in the Stanley Cup finals.

I couldn’t stand to watch. It’s still the only Stanley Cup finals that I’ve never seen a single second of.

As I was sitting in that hospital bed, I promised myself two things:

  1. I wasn’t going to let the hit affect me mentally.  
  2. It wasn’t to change the way I played.

You have to understand what hockey means to me. It was always my joy in life. I was a small guy to start with, and I made it to the NHL by playing a certain way. If I took my foot off the gas even just a little bit … if I was even just a little bit timid because of that hit, I wouldn’t be effective. I’d be letting my teammates down. I’d be letting the city down. The people of Detroit were in my corner every single day of my recovery. I mean, the response from fans was so overwhelming that I had to get two hospital rooms: One for me, and one to store all the flowers, cards, and stuffed animals that people sent to me. There was so much that I couldn’t take it all home. I donated all the stuffed animals to the pediatric ward.

Detroit is such a blue-collar town, and they love their Red Wings so much.

We had to get back to the Western Conference finals. We had to beat Colorado. We had to win a Stanley Cup.

I would close my eyes and picture the weight room and think, Soon.

As I was leaving the hospital, my doctor gave me a pair of pliers.

“Keep these on you at all times,” he said. “Whenever you leave the house. Whenever you go to bed.”

I couldn’t speak. I just shook my head, confused.

“If you get sick and have to throw up, you’re going to have to cut the wires to keep from choking.”

So I went home with my pliers and my cases of Ensure. It was a long road. I ended up losing almost 20 pounds over the six weeks that my jaw was wired shut.

I’ll never forget the day they came off. My first meal was at Andiamo on the riverfront in Detroit. I ordered the angel-hair pasta. But I still had to have these restrictive bands on my teeth, so I sat there eating it noodle by noodle for like an hour. My friends were on dessert by the time I made it to the 10th noodle, but it was the best feeling ever.

That was the end of June. I had two months to gain 20 pounds back before camp. Whenever I needed motivation to drink an Ensure, I’d just think of The Joe on opening night, and the feeling of walking down the dark tunnel and taking that first step onto the ice.

To be 100% honest, I rarely thought of getting revenge on Lemieux. It wasn’t about that. Unfortunately, Detroit did not feel the same way. It was like the entire city took the hit personally. When the season started, and I was back in the lineup, all anybody wanted to talk about was our first game against Colorado. But, as fate would have it, Lemieux wasn’t in the lineup for our first two games. The third game in Colorado got very heated — you could feel the tension — but the referees were on top of it. Nothing major happened. But you could feel the hatred building and building….

Right up until March 26, 1997.

When it all exploded at The Joe.

I pulled into the parking lot of the arena that night and a TV cameraman followed me from my car to our dressing room. Camera guys never followed me. They’d always follow Yzerman or Fedorov. That’s when I knew: O.K. Here we go.

You could feel it in the dressing room before the game. You could feel it during warmups. They were 3–0 against us that season. They were No. 1 in the division. This was our last game against them going into the playoffs. It was a huge moment.

But the game was relatively tame for most of the first period. Until….

Igor Larionov and Peter Forsberg, two of the most skilled guys in the league, got into a wrestling match by our bench. At first it was nothing — just a small scuffle. The refs came over to break it up. The building was quiet.

And then you just heard this incredible roar out of nowhere.

I look to center ice, and there’s Mac.

Darren McCarty, the guy who visited me in the hospital every day. Mac is reigning punches down on Claude Lemieux right in front of our bench. Lemieux’s helmet pops off, and he goes down on all fours, trying to turtle to protect himself.  

And then another huge roar — louder than the first one.

Patrick Roy leaves his net. Mike Vernon leaves his net.

They’re skating toward one another from across the rink, like a Wild West movie.

But then, out of nowhere, Brendan Shanahan intercepts Roy and they both go flying.


Next thing I know, Mac is dragging Lemieux over to our bench, as if to say, I told you I’d get him, boys.

Then Vernon and Roy finally make it to one another, and they start brawling at center ice. Not just tying up, but throwing haymakers.

In the middle of all this pandemonium, Marc Crawford, the Avs coach, is yelling at me, “You started all this, Draper!”

And then Scotty Bowman starts yelling at Crawford, “Don’t talk to my players! Don’t you ever talk to my players!”

When the refs finally got ahold of everybody, there were helmets and sticks and gloves and jerseys and blood all over the ice.

What can you say? You just say the date, and everybody knows.

March 26, 1997.

Exactly 301 days after I had my face caved in, my teammates stood up for me. We settled it. But this is what a lot of people don’t remember: For the players on the ice, that night wasn’t just about the fight. That night was about proving that we could beat Colorado on the scoreboard.

After the refs cleaned up the ice, there was still a game to be played. We were down 5–3 in the third. If we lost, and Colorado swept the season series, then the fight would have meant nothing. But we started chipping away at their lead, and we tied it up at 5–5 to send it to overtime. In OT, who do you think came out and buried the game-winning goal?

Darren McCarty.

We couldn’t have scripted it any better.

The brawl was one thing. But us winning that night changed everything. It gave us the belief that we could beat them in the playoffs. We knew we’d see them again in the Western Conference finals. We just knew.

When they dropped the puck in that series, the tone had already been set. The vibe was different. As soon as Lemieux turtled at The Joe, everything changed.

We beat them in six games, and I got what I really wanted — what I had burned for since I was in the hospital. I got the handshake line. I got to look every one of them dead in the eyes, and I got to shake their hands knowing that I was going to the Stanley Cup finals, and they weren’t.

In the finals, the Flyers were heavily favored to beat us. They were “too big, too strong, too fast.”

First shift. Game 1. Philly comes out with the LEGION OF DOOM. Lindros. LeClair. Renberg.

Everyone expects that.

But nobody expected who Scotty sends out.

The Grind Line.

Me, Joe Kocur and Kirk Maltby.

What a feeling. Almost exactly a year to the day that I was laying in a hospital bed with my jaw wired shut. Now I’m starting Game 1 of the Stanley Cup finals.

We came out flying. After finally beating Colorado, we were not going to be denied. We took Game 1 on our way to a sweep.

That first time you touch Lord Stanley, after so many years of burning for it, your life flashes before your eyes. Your whole journey plays like a quick film in your mind. I wanted that Cup so bad, for so many reasons. But mostly I wanted to prove to myself that one hit wasn’t going to define my career, or change the love I had for the game.

We won again in ’98, 2002, and 2008.

Now, we’re known as champions. But on March 25, 1997, we were called “soft.” Our leadership was questioned. Some people wanted to blow up the team.

Do we still win the Stanley Cup without that brawl? Maybe. But I know that it certainly didn’t hurt.


Over the years, Lemieux and I never spoke about what happened. He never apologized, and I didn’t need him to. They won Cups. We won Cups. Even if I didn’t like him very much, I actually respected how clutch he was as a player.

Then, a couple of years ago, I was at the 2014 NHL draft as a member of the Red Wings’ front office. My whole family was there with me — my wife and three kids. When the draft was over, we were waiting outside for a taxi to take us to the airport, when my wife’s face suddenly went pale. She was looking right through me.

She said, “Lemieux’s walking towards us.”

I wasn’t going to turn around. I didn’t think I had anything to say to him.

Sure enough, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around and it’s Claude.

He says, “Oh, is this your family?”

My son, Kienan, has watched every single YouTube video in existance of the Wings-Avalanche rivalry. He knows the whole story. So he was looking up at Claude with these big eyes, like, Oh, my God. Here he is, in real life.

Claude bent down and shook his hand, and my son just kind of looked at him in awe. Claude politely introduced himself to my whole family, and shook everybody’s hand.

And that was it. We went our separate ways.

I’m glad we had that moment. For everything that we went through during that rivalry, the beauty of our game is that at the end of the day, as (much older) men, we are still able to shake hands.

Now that it’s the final year for The Joe, people have been talking about their favorite memories of the place. We won two Stanley Cups in that building, and yet every time I meet a Wings fan, you know what they want to talk about?

March 26, 1997.

Those gongshow days are gone now, and it’s probably for the betterment of the game. But ask anybody from Detroit, and they can tell you exactly where they were when that brawl went down. Long after that arena is torn down, people will still remember that night.

It defined a rivalry, and it defined my career for a lot of fans.

But for me, when people ask about my favorite memories of The Joe, I always give a boring answer. And I do it because it’s the truth: It’s the Stanley Cups. The sacrifice it takes to lift one Stanley Cup is almost beyond words.

I went on to win four of them with teammates who I consider brothers. They can never take that away from us.

So, to a certain sixth grader in West Hill, Ontario, from a very long time ago, I’ll say it again: Oh yeah?

KRIS DRAPER 
RETIRED / DETROIT RED WINGS 

rant. sorta. hiatus.

I’ve just found out that some people here think I’m using my blog for the wrong purpose, that I’m cliquey, and that they dread being associated with me. That’s completely fine but that’s not who I am.

I talk to everyone who talks to me. I have trouble reaching out to people because I don’t want to bother anyone. I don’t think everyone wants to talk to me or anything similar, so I don’t reach out to people. I have mutuals that I adore, but I’m too scared to talk to them because I feel like I’ll be bothering them. I still feel annoying when I message some people, for example @noona-la-la-la, who I’ve been following from day one, let alone when I message people I’ve just met or that have just followed me.
As for the cliques … I have a couple of writer friends. I talk to a lot of writers, but it’s about our stories and it’s basically mutual fangirling.
I think it’s extremely unfair of people to talk about me when they don’t know who I talk to and they can’t see my inbox. I talk to a lot of writers who are just getting started, I just don’t promote people because I don’t want to get used for that. If everyone on my blog asked me to promo them, this would become a promo blog and I don’t think you guys are here for that - this is a fanfic blog. I think anyone can understand that. Besides, I’d like to think that the people whom I talk to aren’t here to get promoted but are here because they like talking to me, even if they are considered “smaller blogs”. That’s so subjective and depends on so many things like how often you post, what members you post about, how long you’ve been on this site, what time of day/week you post, who reblogs your stories etc. Notes don’t mean quality.

At the end of the day, I am who I am. I may come off as mean to some people, but I know in my heart I’ve tried to be the best person I can. If you’ve been following me for a while, you know I’ve been through a ton of shit this year, starting from a breakup of a 4 year relationship to getting diagnosed with a disorder (which I don’t want to get into because it’s TMI and it’s personal). I like to keep my things private and I think people tend to forget they’re not the only person that follows me and that I’m a real person with real problems and feelings. Right now, there are about 28 000 people on my blog. To me, that number is INSANE. This isn’t me boasting or bragging about it - I don’t think my blog deserves that many followers at all. I don’t deserve that kind of attention. There are people that are so much more talented than I am that don’t get enough attention and I don’t think I’m better than anyone. I don’t even know what most of the followers are doing here since a lot less people interact with me than before. But realistically, if anyone thinks I can talk to a hundred people daily and answer all the asks I get and write and work and deal with personal shit all the time, I’m willing to give them my password and see them try to keep up with it. It’s hard to deal with your own life and then come to tumblr and get messages about people asking you to help them overcome depression and suicidal thoughts, asking advice about a breakup, asking help about tumblr stuff, about uni, school etc. I’m not a machine. When someone sends me a message saying they want to die, I feel like shit because I know nothing I say can help that person and I try to come up with the best answer possible to give them some comfort and try to get them to ask for help. So if I don’t reply to an ask asking about when I’m updating something, it’s because I tend to prioritize the asks I get, if I even get the time to go through them.
This is tumblr, not the real world. It isn’t something serious, it doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t change anyone’s value as a person. I DON’T THINK I’M BETTER THAN ANYONE HERE, especially not based on notes and follower count. Personally, I felt happier when I had around 1 or 2 000 followers because I knew they were all here for my stories and not for whatever reason they are now, and I talked to a lot of them on a daily basis and I still do. Now I don’t even recognize most of the usernames that like and reblog my stories because that would just be impossible. It’s easy to preach when you’re not in this situation, I think.

If you’ve ever felt ignored, I’m sorry. I’ve tried to reply to every ask and message I got, but a couple of months ago, I was going through something and I let them pile up. And then I just didn’t have the mental strength I needed to go and answer the asks so I let them pile up and I hated logging on. Then I had a literal breakdown and I deleted the 4K messages that were in my inbox because they were just adding to my already insane anxiety. They were stressing me out and I felt horrible for not being able to reply to all of them and they just kept piling up and I wanted to delete the blog and everything that came with it, but the problem wasn’t this blog or the asks or the questions - it was me and my anxiety and I’m aware of that. If that makes me a bad person, I’m a bad person.

To the people with the mean comments - I wish you all the best. I hope you get a lot of followers, lots and lots of them since I’m being judged based on that, and when you do, you will see that it isn’t as amazing as you think it is, and it isn’t easy to keep up with everything. If you’re offended by this post, I’m sorry. That was not my intention. I just want to give my opinion since I’m being judged without anyone even talking to me or addressing it directly instead of behind my back. I’m a person, not a robot behind a blog. When I find out someone’s talking about me behind my back, it hurts, despite this being virtual and despite these people not really knowing anything about me. It hurts because it’s not fair. But the world isn’t fair and I’ll deal with it.

To everyone else, thanks for your support. You guys have helped me a lot without even knowing. I’ve posted about my personal issues through my stories a bunch of times because it was my way of dealing with those things and the conversations I had with you guys about my stories have been so pleasant and some of them have helped me a lot. Thanks for being here and for reading my stories. Conversations with you guys have helped me deal with the problems I have. Like I always say, you’ve made Tumblr my happy place. I know it sounds corny, but a lot of times I would feel horrible and this was the only place I had, and you made it great for me. I loved logging on and talking to you and just being here in general. 💗
I’m going on hiatus because of my master thesis, but also because I keep getting dragged into childish drama that I don’t want to be a part of. I don’t want to log on and see posts about me, posts shading me, or trying to make me feel like shit. I don’t think I’ve done something to deserve that. This is a social media site, not my life, and it shouldn’t be anyone’s.

anonymous asked:

Have you tried counting calories. Don't cite stuff telling that it doesn't work. Have you actually tried using MyFitnessPal and a food scale?

So, my lovely blog followers, fat people get asked this question (or variations thereupon) pretty much constantly. This attitude anon has is one that makes fatphobia so rampant in our society. Being fat is considered a personal moral failing which is the result of “eating too much” and “not exercising enough”.  Fatness is believed to be an aberration that only occurs when certain individuals “don’t try hard enough.” 

You’ll notice that people who hold fatphobic attitudes believe this conclusion without any actual evidence; the result is that, when presented with contradictory evidence, the fatphobic person has to double-down on their fatphobia to maintain their position. It goes something like this:

Fatphobic person: Fat people are lazy, unattractive, bad, and unhealthy! 
Fat person: *Exists, doesn’t die, is a kind person/is attractive/works hard or otherwise has some “value” the fatphobic person did not expect fat people to have*
Fatphobic person: Wait… why are you fat, then? Fat people are lazy, unattractive, bad, and unhealthy. 
Fat person: That’s shitty and fatphobic of you to say, you don’t know anything about me. 
Fatphobic person: I know that you’re fat! And fat people are lazy, unattractive, bad, and unhealthy. You can’t expect to be fat and ambitious, attractive, kind, and active! 
Fat person: Yes, I can. Why can’t I? 
Fatphobic person: Because you’re fat! And fat people are lazy, unattractive, bad, and unhealthy!!

This continues, ad nauseum, in different forms and pursuant to different points surrounding the “debate” of fat positivity. In this particular anon’s case, the fatphobic belief is “fatness=lack of diet/exercise”, and anon has most likely been presented with evidence that no amount of diet, exercise, or “lifestyle changes” has been clinically shown to result in long-term weight loss.  

So, to protect their fatphobic world-view and quiet the cognitive dissonance, anon needs to double-down on their pre-ordained conclusion that “fat people just don’t diet/exercise hard enough to lose weight.” Anon is seeking to verify through a gotchya! ask that their unsubstantiated beliefs which are contradicted by meaningful evidence are actually somehow magically true after all. 

Anon, you can fuck off with that nonsense.


For the rest of you, I have a story. 

I first started counting calories when I was 15. After an awkward year of putting on a lot of weight (I’d always been bigger, but I was starting to get stretch marks on my tummy and couldn’t fit into my pants anymore… you know, like a normal growing teenager) my mother and older sister approached me with a great plan for the three of us to bond and lose weight, all at the same time! We enrolled in a pricey, new Jenny-Craig-esque local diet clinic. 

We had food journals in which we needed to write down everything we ate, even if we had just chewed a stick of gum. The first class was on nutritional food labels. Not something useful like defining unknown terms, explaining nutritional science, daily recommended amounts for proteins, sugars, cholesterol, etc., but how to do the math to answer questions like “how many calories are in 3 peanuts from a bag with a serving size of 1.5 ounces?” This was very important to the program because the diet-plan only allowed for 1,200 calories or less (less was encouraged) a day, and we had to account for every single one of them. There were regular weigh-ins (on a huge bright red scale like those ones at Guess Your Weight?! booths at theme parks, in the open store-front so anyone walking past could see). You were critiqued and questioned by your “weight counselor” if you did not lose weight every week. Even if the calories in your diet journal were under the weight-loss plan’s maximum, you were accused of fudging the numbers or “sneaking snacks” that you didn’t write down. 

A year later I was suicidal and had missed a semester of high school.   

After I managed to somehow claw my way out of that hole, graduate high school, and make it two semesters into college without completely melting down, I started calorie-counting again. This time, I made sure to make a regular exercise routine part of my plan, so that I would really be getting “healthy” and “doing it for myself.” 

That is what I would tell myself while running 5 miles before heading to my 8 am class, and again when I would yawn and groan through a full day of lectures and extracurriculars. I would tell myself that while spending 3 hours in the gym after I got back to my dorm from my part-time job at 10 pm. It’s what I would tell myself when I started fainting once a week. It’s what I would tell myself when I refused to eat anything but 1 cup of cheerios with half a cup skim milk (breakfast), half a head of iceberg lettuce with red wine vinegar and a tablespoon of olive oil (lunch), and 1 cup of chicken broth (dinner) because I hadn’t lost more than a pound in the past two weeks. “I’m really getting healthy! And I’m doing it just for me!” 

One day, while I was sweating and sobbing on a stair-stepper, muscles screaming after forcing myself through my regular after-job gym routine, I thought for maybe the 10,000th time Why the fuck am I doing this to myself? And for some reason, even though I hadn’t listened to that question the first 9,999 times I asked it, I really heard it this time. I was exhausted, miserable, and alone. I no longer found any joy in my life and had been functioning on auto-pilot for several months. 

I realized that I wasn’t any healthier. I actually physically felt like absolute shit most of the time. I had muscle definition that looked good in photos, but I couldn’t repeatedly lift 50-pound bags of feed like I had before I started counting calories again. When I had weighed 60 pounds more, I had prided myself on being *thick russian accent* “strong like ox”….. and now I was having to ask my roommate for help moving my coffee table. And this was nothing next to the dive my mental health had taken since I’d started counting calories again. 

I realized that the fact that I had less fat didn’t alter my life for the better in any meaningful way. Sure, I could fit into more clothes now and if I flexed my shoulder you could fit a mini-muffin in the hollow space of my clavicle (which I thought was really neat and hilarious for some reason). But I still thought I was ugly and gross and worthless. I still struggled with depression and anxiety. I wasn’t doing any better in my classes; my grades were slipping. I wasn’t creating or performing or dreaming; I hadn’t written or drawn or painted or sung or thought about my future in longer than I could remember. I wasn’t enjoying the company of the people I loved; I had been actively avoiding friends and family for months, embarrassed that I wasn’t dropping weight as fast as I had been when I first started counting calories again. 

I wasn’t any happier than I had been when I was fat. 

And for the first time I wondered to myself, “What if the fat’s not the problem at all?”

Almost 10 years later, and 75-ish pounds heavier (I’m not sure, I don’t own a scale), and I am so much happier, healthier, and fulfilled in my life than I was back then. I am so much more proud of who I am. I have experienced so much more than I would have if I had kept counting calories and hating my fat body. 

Sorry if that doesn’t fit into your narrative, anon.

And to every fat person, know that whether or not your experiences are like mine, you do not ever need to justify your fatness to others. You are worthy of respect, you are worthy of love, you have value, you are important, and there is nothing wrong with being fat. 

truthteaserum  asked:

Hey I just that evil smiling picture of you playing dnd. I was wondering what you did to become a good dm, I've been curious about playing the game for a while and I think I have to be the dm if I want people to play with lol. Thanks for any help

I promise I didn’t ignore you! I’ve been real busy this week, and wanted to treat this question with the respect it deserves. Thanks for asking me…and assuming I’m a good DM, lol. I try to be good by following the cardinal rule: if you and your players have fun, you win! It’s easy to think it’s you v. the players as a DM, but really it’s a story you’re all making together, you help keep it going smoothly but it belongs to all of you. Once you look at it all from that perspective it gets less stressful, for me at least. Now I know it’s kinda weird since I did kill my players in that picture you saw going around… But that was a one shot. And there were ample opportunities for them to reverse the tide, but the dice were not on their side.

Anyway. I’m sure you’re looking for more concrete answers. Here are the most important things I did in learning to DM.

1. Watch D&D games
I watched Critical Role for a few weeks. After years of being afraid to DM, Matthew Mercer made it look easy and fun. He told fun stories and had varied characters and his players were so invested! The more I watched the more I wanted to play. And the best part about watching Critical Role is that there are 102 episodes and counting. Tons of material to mine for ideas. Another good one is The Adventure Zone podcast. It starts out a little slow for my tastes but once you get into it it’s AMAZING. I love the story in this one, it’s a great way to show you don’t have to stick to typical fantasy tropes to have a great game. Any genre can be a fun game.

While watching, I paid attention to what kinds of rolls the DM called for in situations, how many monsters you could throw before combat gets hazy, how hard it is to DM for lots of people, how long combat takes, how to describe effects based on dice roll, and most importantly, when to stone face your players and when to laugh like the evil genius you are.

2. Get tips from experts
Okay, so, now you think you could probably do the thing, but you don’t want to screw it up right out of the gate. I spent years too scared to DM because it seemed like there was too much to know. I went looking for words of wisdom and found the aforementioned Matt Mercer’s GM Tips. It’s a great series of videos that are short and helpful, split up by topic. Another great series of videos is anything from Matthew Colville, whose Running the Game videos are probably the second largest influence on my work as a Dungeon Master (after Matt Mercer). I also read tons of articles from the official D&D website, like the Sage Advice column. I read every Unearthed Arcana article and thought about how those adjustments compared to the Player’s Handbook. I signed up for the Roleplaying Tips mailing list run by Johnn Four, whose advice is probably the third largest influence on my DMing. I heavily recommend it also because it’s great to get a reminder to work on D&D every few days when a new tip arrives in your inbox. Seriously the best mailing list I’ve ever been on. He also answers questions and solicits answers from the community, so he’s a great resource for obscure wonders.

3. Join a community
This kind of follows from the previous point about advice from Johnn directly. If you’re really struggling with the density of the Core Rulebooks and are daunted by the many columns and tables, a community can help explain things. For instance, I had a lot of trouble parsing how exactly XP adjusted values work. I asked online, and someone helpfully pointed out the reference and made an example so I’d get how to use it myself. Tumblr is good, but I prefer reddit for D&D things. Some great subreddits are r/DMAcademy, r/DMToolkit, r/DnDBehindtheScreen, r/mattcolville (yes, that same Matt Colville), r/UnearthedArcana, and r/worldbuilfing.

There are a number of other forums specifically for D&D that I have accounts for but never use, mostly because I am still recovering from my forum days… I won’t date myself and say how long ago.

4. Google is your friend!
I google everything I need for D&D. Sometimes, even though I know the information I want is in my PHB, the book is on my shelf and I’d have to search for the info. The internet can tell me what I need to know NOW. So! Here’s my advice for googling D&D stuff, along with some of my favourite links.

Rules: Include ‘5e’ or ‘fifth edition’ along with the keyword you’re looking for. This will reduce your chances of ending up on a site intended for players of another edition.
Spells: Don’t google them, go to dnd-spells.com. Seriously. This website saves my life every time I play D&D. You can also make spellbooks for your characters and then generate pdfs before your game! It’s MAGICAL!
Monsters: Homebrew monsters can be fun but be careful when implementing them in your game. If you need help building encounters (like I do), use Kobold Fight Club.
Images: Google image search can get you really general or really specific stuff. If you want random images to inspire you you’re better off looking at something like The MET.
Names: There is one site to end all sites for this. For all other generators, see donjon.

5. Steal like an artist
I have a lot of fun watching, reading, and playing other types of media and thinking, “I’m going to steal that for my game.” I love comic books for example. Recently, I decided to put Iron Man into my game. Not for any reason, just because it would be fun. I didn’t simply put Tony Stark as a rich human noble into my game and wait for my player to meet him so I could do my best Robert Downey Jr. impression. I thought about what makes that character exciting and recognizable and transported it into the steampunk world of my campaign. I changed his name and race. I made him an Artificer, a Gunslinger protective of his prototypes (*waves at Taliesin*), who could also build Mech Suits that are as much works of art as they are feats of magical engineering. I gave him an assistant with a romantic love triangle and let him loose in my world. It was so much fun to watch my player figure out my inspiration! Not every NPC needs this level of detail, but all your choices should circle back to ‘How well would this work in MY world?’

By taking inspiration from the things you love, filling in the 'gaps’ to breathe life into your universe should come easily. I didn’t know Tran Intubi (Tony Stark) had a gallery of retired mech suits in his Tower but I described as such in-game. The description came naturally when I had a base inspiration to rely on.

I hope that was more helpful than long-winded!

in which y/n is harry’s first love… 

She detached herself from his body, and rolled over to plug her phone into the charger next to their bed. 

“Hey!” Harry protested, making grabby hands toward her waist. “Come back. You’re so far away,” he whined.

“Calm down. I’m just plugging my phone in. Jesus,” she chuckled, setting her phone down and rolling back towards him. He quickly settled back down, tucking himself into her, always the little spoon. “You just want to rest your head on my boobs." 

He snuggled further into her, not denying the accusation, draping his arm around her waist and squeezing tightly, then kissed just above the swell of her breast that peeked out from his t-shirt that she was wearing. "I just really freaking love you." 

She hummed and kissed the top of his head.

"That’s a bit weird, innit?" 

She furrowed her eyebrows. "Is it?”

“Not the fact that I love you. Just the fact that I love another person." 

She mulled it over in her head before nodding in agreement. Loving someone who wasn’t in her family, in the fullest sense of the word, completely honest and open, the way they loved each other was a weird concept, but it was one that she was in love with. "Yeah, it’s a bit weird." 

He sighed out. "I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about anyone else." 

A dopey smile graced her face. "Am I your first love, Harry?" 

"I…” He had never thought about it like that. “Yeah. You are.” The truth made him press his body even closer to hers. He valued the physical intimacy just as much as the emotional intimacy. He cleared his throat before he asked the question that floated through his mind when she asked him that question. “Am I yours?" 

She thought about it for a second almost agreeing before she remembered the boy she dated for a bit in high school. Most days, he’s not even a passing thought in her mind, but sometimes he sneaks up on her and she remembers how he made her feel and she gets warm and tingly inside. Before her and Harry were an item, she’d reminisce on their time together and wonder what it might’ve been like had they not split up. "I’m… not sure…" 

He props his head up on her chest to look her directly in the eye. He lets out breath, slightly disgruntled. "What do you mean?" 

"Well, there was this guy back when I was a teenager, and I’m not sure what I felt, but it was something and it was strong." 

Panic began rising within him. "Was it like us?” he asked, trying to sound casual. 

“It… was… not? I don’t know. It was a long time ago, H. But, I don’t want to talk about this if it’s going to make you upset." 

"I’m not,” he said, his voice raising up an octave. 

She looked down at him. “There are multiple ways to feel your pulse. Yours is way faster than it should be.” He felt her hand resting at the juncture of his neck and jawline. “Besides, it doesn’t matter who your first love is, what matters is your last love." 

He sat up obviously jarred by the thought of his love with another man. He didn’t like the thought at all. She immediately latched onto his back, her arms wrapping around his waist. "Baby… Come on.” She hooked her chin over his shoulder. “It doesn’t matter." 

He eventually relaxed and laid back down tucking into her once again. He doesn’t know why, but for some reason it was like he could feel her slipping away from him, so he held her as close as possible. "What about you, huh? What about your first girlfriend? The one you used to catch the train for every weekend? The one you wrote that poem on Facebook about? What about her?” He could hear the teasing in her voice, but he wasn’t up to par for it. 

“I worshipped the ground she walked on,” he stated plainly. He tried checking for her pulse, laying his head in the middle of her chest, but he couldn’t detect an increase. It was the same as it always had been, steady and, if you had asked him at any time prior to today, only beating for him. She giggled. “Why doesn’t that bother you?" 

"Why should it?” she countered, waiting for him to fire something back at her, but she could tell he wanted an actual answer. She let out a breath. “Because I know you Harry. And, you wouldn’t be with me if you didn’t want to be. There’s obviously a reason you’re not with her, or any other of your exes, anymore, and there’s a reason you are with me. No sense in focusing on the past, when we could focus on our future." 

"You’re right." 

"I know I am. It’s one of my many redeeming qualities." 

He snorted, but there were still questions and doubts niggling him. "But… but why don’t you know if you loved him or not?” He was expecting her to get massively annoyed at him for continuing the discussion after she tried to bring it to an end, but she was surprisingly calm and patient. 

“Because I don’t want to invalidate my feelings. If you had asked me back then, I would’ve sworn up and down that, yes, I was very much in love with him. But, now? Now, I’m not so sure. Now, that I’ve been with you it kind of seems like everything before was child’s play. That doesn’t mean that what I was feeling back then doesn’t count, though." 

He nodded his head, understanding where she was coming from. 

She continued speaking. "What I do know, however, is that I cared about him a lot. I’m sure of that. I still care about him, to an extent, if we’re being honest. Don’t you care about your exes?" 

He nodded. 

"I think I’ll always care about him. But, I don’t think he ever made me feel the way you do. I don’t ever recall feeling so special and important and full of love.” She untangled herself from him, slid down so that they were face to face, and grappled the back of his neck, pushing their foreheads together to look him directly in the eyes. “Only you have made me feel this way. You’re the first. And, I certainly hope you’ll be the last." 

He basked in the warmth of her words with a dimpled grin upon his lips, pink tinged across his cheeks, and a swelling feeling in his heart. He was so in love with her. He pressed a hard kiss to her lips before sprinkling butterfly kisses across her cheeks and making a mental note to always remember this moment. Because wherever life took them, whether it was together or apart, he always wanted a reminder of how he felt in this moment. It was the happiest he’d ever been.

anonymous asked:

please tell me what you thought!! I'm not worried about spoilers, i already know what happened, i'm gonna see it in a few days and i'm so psyched! tell me all your thoughts please!!!

I am so charged up about this movie I don’t even know where to fucking start!!! I guess I’ll start with my initial Twitter rant bc GODDDAAAAMMMMNNNN!

Here’s some non-spoilery things about the movie for those who don’t want to be spoiled:

  • Mother! is a horror movie for every woman whose pain was ever used & romanticized to further a man’s personal growth.
  • Mother! is a horror movie for women who have invested and fallen in love with a selfish man.
  • Mother! is a horror movie for women who feel the constant suffocating entitlement of the patriarchy.
  • Mother! is a horror movie for women who feel they’ve been constantly taken advantage of and are demonized for daring to speak up about it.
  • Mother! is a horror movie version of The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. (And I said this BEFORE I saw this tweet by the director 😍)
  • Mother! is a horror movie for any woman who was only valued as a cure for a man’s pain instead of valued as a full, human person.

  • Mother! is a horror movie for women who were treated like IRL manic pixie dream girls and then tossed aside like garbage. 

Also I found it able to tap into horrors of being a woman that were subtle and specific in a slightly Get Out kind of way, imho. I felt very understood in many ways even as I was being horrified by what I was seeing. 

Below are some spoilery things:

The movie opens with a woman burning, a tear falling down her face, and then her turning to ash. Javier Bardem sets a gem stone on a stand and then a beautiful home surrounded by nature appears out of the ashes. I knew as soon as Javier Bardem’s character sat that gem on the mantel and the scene turned to Jennifer Lawrence appearing out of the ashes in bed that that is where the movie would end, and it would end with another girl in her place. 

AND IT DID. For a bit there at the end, I was wondering where it was headed because of the chaos, and I nearly forgot about the gem itself, but then we ended right where I expected. What I didn’t forsee was what the gem was made of: it was the last thing that Bardem’s character could squeeze out of his previous lover before she turned to ash, something beautiful that he could put on display before he started it all over again with someone new. 

GOD-FUCKING-DAMN

This movie is about a woman who gives all of herself (physically, literally, spiritually, emotionally, horrifically) to a man because she loves him, because it is expected, because she thinks he will view it as love, and it is never enough. He never stops taking from her, not even when there are literal mobs in their home tearing the physical house apart, stealing their belongings. At one point an actual war spills into their house and she barely escapes with the life of herself and the child she is about to give birth to. When she begs her husband to send these people away, he refuses because they stroke his ego. 

I don’t think the chaos of the previous 10 minutes of the film before she asks this question nor her struggle through them were literal but rather a representation of how it feels to be in her position, where she’s tried everything to be enough for this man for as long as she has been with him, rebuilt his house by hand, made it a home, served all his guests and fans without complaint, and even carried his child. She finally started believing with her pregnancy that she was going to win him over and be with just him, that this would be the key to finally meeting that standard of enough, but that was never who he was ever going to be for her, even as a father. And when she realizes, at 8 months pregnant, that his true love is still himself, his writing, and his fans, despite his child growing in her womb, she felt her world slip. The insanity of the the wars, the executions, the mobs in the house weren’t real but that’s how it felt. Her world was crumbling and she’d never regain any control again. 

In the end he even invites his fans to hold their baby and the baby ends up dying. It’s horrific and disgusting, and what does he say to her? He tells her that it can be something beautiful and encourages her to forgive, that there is nothing more beautiful than forgiveness, so they must. As if she doesn’t have rights to feeling ugliness in the face of losing her child. I felt suffocated myself by this immediately invalidation of even the most understandable and vulnerable of feelings. 

There are other moments like this throughout the movie where Jennifer Lawrence’s character is trying to speak up and voice her needs but it’s like shouting into a pillow as she asks politely and reasonably. No one listens or seems to care, especially not her husband. He seems to only placate her lovingly when he can tell she needs to feel he’s heard her, but he never really does or cares to try to actually listen to her. This last time, when she is weeping about her son being murdered by the people he allowed into their house, is the last straw and she calls the people around her what they are: MURDERERS. And because she finally yells and screams at them, they beat the everloving shit out of her and call her names like whore and bitch and cunt, etc etc. 

So she makes her way down to the furnace and burns the fucker down. GIRL YES BURN THAT BITCH TO THE GROUND.

And yet after the explosion that incinerates it all, guess who is intact and who is charred to the bone. Javier Barden, completely complete, carries Jennifer Lawrence, a burned, scaley version of herself, through the rubble of the house. She can’t understand how he is able to do this when she and everything she built is destroyed. 

She asks, “What are you?”
He replies, “I am life.”
She asks, ”What am I?”
He replies, “You are home.”

You don’t have to be sexualized to still be objectified and if this isn’t exactly the damaging dynamic in so many male/female relationships, I don’t know what is. He is what life is and she is where he gets to live. Does she have her own life, her own plans, her own goals, her own space? It doesn’t matter, she exists to house him. 

She asks, “Where are you taking me?”
He replies, “To the beginning.”

He lays her on the charred bed and tells her there is one more thing he needs from her. She says she has nothing left to give. He says that isn’t true, he wants her love. She relents. “Take it.” He digs physically into her abdomen and pulls something bloody and charred out. Jennifer Lawrence’s character turns to ash and the mess in Javier Bardem’s character’s hands turns into a gem. He marvels at how beautiful a thing it is, the only thing left of his lover. He doesn’t grieve that she is nothing but a pile of ash now, he sets the gem up where the old one once sat and the opening scene repeats with a new girl waking in their bed, signifying that this is what this man does to women and what he will continue to do. He doesn’t learn his lesson or change because he doesn’t value the women he is with enough to see their pain as destruction. Instead, he only sees it for how it can benefit him.

She is ash. He is whole. A parasite going from woman to woman. 

To me, one of the scariest elements of this movie is that Javier Bardem’s character himself isn’t really that scary, he’s not a horror. He’s even sweet sometimes, albeit neglectful af. What’s smart and unfortunately really relatbale about this is it makes him seem like (if not a good guy at least) an okay guy. He’s not evil. She doesn’t befall this horrible fate because he is malicious. It’s a Nice Guy who just wants to Create something Beautiful. But in the process he fucking destroys and sucks the entire life out of the woman he is supposed to love with no remorse at all. There are so many fucking men out there who do this very thing to every woman they are with, emotionally and mentally. Sometimes physically, too, but that’s easier to pinpoint. The horror of Javier Bardem in Mother! is that he could be and really kind of is many of the men we will come in contact with. 

(Bro I know I’ve fallen in love with and had this done to me by one ALREADY)

My thoughts on how this movie has been received:

What blows my MIND is that large groups of people DO NOT GET this movie and I think it’s because it is largely and almost exclusively a fundamental female experience. There are whole hot takes and think pieces trying to figure out HMMM WHAT IS THIS MOVIE ABOUT???? when like…to me, it was obvious and direct in my opinion. I’m not trying to be a bitch about it, like I’m smarter than everyone. I understand that I get it because it’s for me, it’s about a female perspective, but to say it’s about nothing is ASININE. Which many of them are saying. 

If you don’t like the way this movie told its story, that’s fine and fair. We all have different tastes. But if you don’t get the message and therefore want to criticize what it’s trying to say because you think it was pointless, maybe THINK AGAIN. It didn’t fail because you PERSONALLY don’t get it. It maybe just means that there are other experiences in this world and you’re lucky enough to have never had to understand what this movie is saying, the feelings it evokes in many viewers, or the horrors it represents for them. And most likely never will.  If the movie is just not for you I GET THAT bc damn it was rough, IT WAS HARD, it was awful. But it wasn’t about nothing. If you didn’t see the point, be thankful.

There were some think pieces analyzing it and coming to the conclusion that it was about global warming and the Catholic church, which there was definitely some imagery for but that for SURE was not the POINT. If you thought Mother! was just about taking on the Catholic Church while identifying the other ‘weird’ stuff in it as just ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ you MAY be ignoring the literal title character of the movie & her entire emotional journey throughout the whole thing. 

Which, SHOCKER, is like… the point of the entire movie. 

Good job I GUESS. But you still missed point by proving it. 

I mean, I get it, make it about whatever resonates with you, but it is undeniably about a fundamentally female experience. No wonder it’s being overlooked. "Gee what could this movie entitled ‘Mother!’ be about? Should we look at the mother character in the movie?? OR HOW ABOUT we just dive into the symbolism surrounding the woman instead while ignoring her completely.“ 👍🏻

To me it seemed any side-symbolism in that movie was to promote the dynamic of her giving all she was & him feeding off of it. Including any messianic imagery. As a smart, smart friend of mine said, “Men will of course deify themselves all the time.” That’s EXACTLY what the religious imagery was about, about Javier Bardem’s character living out his desire to be a god to his fans for his own ego, so deep that he let them devour his own child. It was about the church but it was only in service TO EMPHASIZE HOW HE CONSUMES HER AND WHAT SHE HAS GIVEN. Like… LORD help me. (No pun intended.)

I cannot believe a horror film about a female experience is so baffling for people to understand when we’re half the people out there. “WHAT IS IT ABOUT?????” It’s about what she’s showing you it’s about. PAY ATTENTION!! 

But how poetic (ew gross) that many people who don’t get it write it off. It’s the same reason so often women are not believed and their experiences are questioned. No wonder women feel LIKE NO ONE LISTENS. <—- a direct line from Jennifer Lawrence’s character over and over in the movie.

It’s like there are people looking directly at this movie screen and seeing a blank black box for 75% of it. And here I am screaming into a pillow.

This is not to say that Mother! doesn’t take on many things, it does. There is a lot to unpack and it would be unfair of me to say there is only one way to read it. Of course there isn’t, and many parts are going to resonate with different people for different reasons. With that being said, though, to anyone trying to make the point of this movie about anything other than the experience of the female lead character, remember the gemstone and the burning woman at the beginning of the film, and then at the end. It is bookended this way for a reason. This is about the pattern of a man and how it affects the women he chooses to be with. This is about a woman who loves a selfish man who unapologetically lives selfishly and what it does to her to be in his life. 

It’s metaphors, it’s symbolism, obviously it’s hyperbolic, but it’s still REAL👏🏻AS👏🏻FUCK👏🏻.

Love Conquers All (On Sherlock Season 4)

I’m currently re-watching Season 4, simply just to indulge myself, and mainly because I personally loved it. I thought I was done expressing everything I have to say about the matter in this post, but there has been an unending sh*t-storm still looming over S4 that has gone beyond what I had expected. Not to mention that things I’ve seen on Twitter earlier regarding the so-called Norbury movement.

I am not dismissing the fact that this season had its flaws, but there’s a significant meaning to it all that some people are dismissing because they’ve been blinded by their own illusions that I would want to highlight. For someone who had cried over and mulled over these episodes more than the past 3 seasons, this season gave my love for existentialism a baseline that tugged at the heart – the very reason why I wanted to talk about it.

Originally posted by esterlocked

Just a brief explanation, existentialism is the belief that life has no meaning in general. To quote Moriarty, “Staying alive… So boring, isn’t it? It’s just… staying.” However, what I like about it is the idea that society or any other factor is not responsible for giving life it’s meaning – it is solely up to the individual to discover it on their own.

With that said, I think this is why this season resonated with me so much, and I find the chaos in some parts of the fandom frustrating, especially to the point that the writers are being attacked for this. So as usual, I have to say something about it. Because instead of writing articles for work, I’m thinking about Sherlock.

Anyway, I’m just gonna go ahead with my point.


The Six Thatchers : Horrors Of The Past

This may be my least favourite among the three, but the message of this episode is clearly simple: we all have horrors that will come and haunt us in the future – and how we face it all comes down to the path we choose. 

We live hundreds, and even thousands of roles throughout our lives. And we all have our past; things that we regret, hate, cringe at, miss, still believe in, etc. But whatever that past might be, what I got from TST is that you can never run from your past as it catches up to you, but it is one facet of your life does not completely define you.

Originally posted by akajustmerry

Death has been played with through the past seasons that it seemed all too mundane to us now, in terms of the context of the show. But S4 is here to correct this notion in Mary’s persona. With Mary saying that Mary Watson was the only life worth living, it showed that we get to choose which part of our lives we live out the most.

Same with John and his ‘cheating’. To be fair, I’m pissed at the fact that this was completely out of character. But when the series culminated, I understood why they have to do it. We saw what we wanted to see in these characters as they were presented to us – John was supposedly honourable, kind, and courageous, but what is this? Who is this new John? 

This is where I head to my next point. 


The Lying Detective : Being Alive And Human

This episode made me cry buckets, to be honest. And it is because this is all about changing what you know about these characters and seeing them all in a different light. 

Here we see a Sherlock not led by the mind but the heart, a John who was weak against temptation, a cheater, someone who looked jealous from having the spotlight all on the detective – it showed that no one is ultimately good and that someone’s facade is not who they entirely are. It shows that everyone has their ups and downs because that’s what humanity is about. It illustrated that everyone was capable of being angry, desperate, conceited, weak, lonely, alone, etc. It highlighted how these characters are broken – especially Sherlock – and how redemption can mean so much more to a person. 

We all have our flaws, our downfalls, our agonies; but who are we really, at our most vulnerable? And who are the people willing to believe in us even if we’ve shown them our true, and sometimes, faded colours?

Originally posted by halloawhatisthis

“Taking your own life. Interesting expression, taking it from who? Once it’s over, it’s not you who’ll miss it. Your own death is something that happens to everyone else. Your life is not your own, keep your hands off it.”

This is a plea. That shutting down and ending your life is and should never be the answer. This is one of the most beautiful pieces of dialogue I have ever heard, and it’s a very upfront message about warranting a value on your own life. And for people to threaten the writers of the show that they are the ones who caused the lives that are put in the line or the self-harm that will happen due to their distaste for TFP is devastating to me.

And yes, there have been people tweeting Mark and BBC that they are and will be responsible for these lives, which is just unfair.


The Final Problem : On Love And Redemption

I’ve seen people questioning why Benedict said ‘love conquers all’ in one interview before the season aired. There has also been statements that this season will be ‘groundbreaking’, which others failed to see why, leading to the claims that the showrunners are queerbaiting.

Now, every single show, every single actor, not just in Sherlock, but basically everywhere, is being put in the microscope because they need to identify with something, and that they need to represent a cause — which I get! I advocate for this! But, just when the world is being careful about mixing up their characters or when they are inserting a gay character just because now, society is demanding them to, Sherlock had already presented that years before (note that some TV shows only became more open to having gay characters around late 2014, early 2015-ish onwards because people are becoming more vocal about it as inspired by those bold enough to make a first move, e.g. Glee). 

Here, we have an openly gay character (which is still another topic of debate but I stand by it when I say Irene used the term gay loosely), had openly gay actors play brilliant and unstereotypical roles, and for God’s sake, Mark Gatiss is a gay man who is behind this brilliant show, and  that’s the very reason they passed it off as normal. They didn’t do it in a way that we always have to be reminded that the character is gay, that there has to be a sex scene just to prove that they’re gay… it’s just there – again, as one facet of the characters. Sex, as something that has been explicitly expressed in the show, isn’t the only thing that defines a character or their relationships with someone else, and I appreciated that. They had a story to tell – the story of these characters as a whole and not just one side of them. 

And personally, I did see why they made their claims as indicated by my chosen title. When this season ended, Sherlock who claimed to have never been attuned to his emotions, had his eyes open and had embraced that he was also human, flawed, and is capable to love IN ALL FORMS. 

Originally posted by fangirlhani

He learned to value his life because of what happened to Mary, he had admitted that he also succumbs to his impulses with Irene Adler (texting or beyond that, depends on what you want to believe), he fully realised that he would never ever want to hurt and make Molly feel like she’s being used by him because she’s his friend, he was able to extend a more human side of himself to John more than he did before, he finally understood and accepted Mycroft’s intentions and actions which I think mended their relationship significantly (this one hits me to the core so much), and lastly, he discovered that if he was left in the air in isolation, he might have ended up like Eurus, which is why he never wanted to make her feel alone again. 

To me, it is groundbreaking because it left that cliche of someone running off into the sunset in the end and it’s all butterflies and rainbows. They wrapped it up with the characters still broken, but living through it day by day because someone chose to love, accept, and help them heal despite their flaws. 

It is what it is, they keep on saying, because that’s how life is. It can be unbearable and it can most certainly be shit, but in the end, whether you ship Johnlock, Adlock, Sherlolly, Sheriarty, Mollstrade, Mystrade, etc., if we all let love – self-love, romantic love, familial love, platonic love – all kinds of love in our lives, it will help us conquer all, within and beyond this show. 

ARTICLE: Yuzuru Hanyu: I am at 20% right now (Number 934-5)

In a rink reverberating with music and the sounds of blades against the ice, quiet surrounded Hanyu. 
–– Takaomi Matsubara

Despite still trolling with one single 3A, the brat (you’ll see) shows his tender side (you’ll also see) in his pursuit of figure skating mastery and ideals…This is quintessential Hanyu––calm, confident and thoughtful as he discusses the Olympics, his programs and the significance and meaning of skating itself. - gladi.

Translated by gladi. Please do not repost without permission. Images belong to Number.


From Number Issue 934-935. Published on 2017.08.24

Contending for successive Olympic victories, the champion––Yuzuru Hanyu. Programs for the season have been decided, preparation is steadily underway. At his training base in Toronto, Hanyu talked about his thoughts on the Pyeongchang Olympics, and the ideal skate he continues to seek.

Text by Takaomi Matsubara・Photography by Asami Enomoto

Keep reading

The Dragon and the Wolf - Part 2


Synopsis: My take on the events, thoughts, and feelings from Jon and Dany’s point of view leading up to and during boatsex.
Author: Lowkeyenvy
Characters: Jon Snow x Daenerys Targaryen
Words: 2,273
Warnings: eventual nsfw
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. All rights and credits are to HBO and GRRM.
Author’s Note: Thank you all SO much for the overwhelming support for the first part of this! You all are amazing and I love this fandom! I’m sorry this second part has been delayed. I went out this afternoon and was out far longer than intended.
Tagged: @mytestamentofyouth @catherinestanke @rinsolo28 @noordinarylines @miauczyslava 

If you haven’t read Part 1, Jon’s point of view, you can read that here.

Happy reading! :)

                                               DAENERYS I

It was after what must have been the tenth time she’d looked up toward the door that evening, when she concluded he was not coming. This was a time for war after all, she had reminded herself. His mind was surely preoccupied with strategies surrounding the Northern threat. It was highly likely that he did not even spare a thought of her at this point.  

She fell gently into a chair and stared at a flickering candle in her cabin. She was nearly positive that Jon Snow had wanted to sail together for more alternative motives than just proving that they were allies. Now she wasn’t so sure. He didn’t show for supper or provide any indication that he wasn’t coming. The last time she had seen him was when they stepped foot on the ship early this afternoon. After that, they had gone their separate ways.

Was she out of her mind? Did she imagine these previous encounters in her head? It had been Jon who took her hand first on the ship back from the Wall, it had been Jon who gazed at her constantly when he thought she wasn’t paying attention, and it had been Jon who insisted that they sailed together for White Harbor. That was the last time they’d spoken to each other; when she agreed that they should sail together. She kept analyzing every word and mannerism he had made that morning at the council discussion. She doubted he was thinking of this—or any other encounter he’d had with her for that matter. And he certainly had not been replaying it constantly in his mind as she had.

Dany let out a sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose. What kind of madness had she been overcome by? He insisted they sail together yes, but she had been utterly insane to do so! Of course she couldn’t ride Drogon into the North, that would not go over well. But perhaps they should’ve sailed on separate ships. Being here and knowing that he was somewhere on this same ship with her, was driving her mad.

And he didn’t even come to supper! She had waited and waited, but he did not show. Since they stepped on the ship and went their separate ways, she had thought of nothing but seeing him again. Ser Davos and Tryion had suggested they dine without him, but she insisted that they wait. The excitement and adrenaline rush of seeing him had overcome all of her other emotions in that moment. She was certain he would come… that he was just running a little late. Surely, she lost count of how many times she had turned toward the door when her imagination convinced her that she had heard them opening.

But he had not come.

And so, in the hours that followed, Dany’s excitement had fizzled. And with it, her confidence that Jon Snow had felt something more towards her than just an alliance.

Now, after retreating to her cabins for the night, Dany had convinced herself that this entire affair was an utter fiasco that she had imagined in her head. She was right, Jon Snow’s not in love with me.

She folded her arms across her chest and focused in on the flickering candle once more. And I’m not in love with Jon Snow. Dany’s stomach instantly did a little flip at the thought.

The mere thought of him sent her emotions into a frenzy. The pair had spent a great amount of time in one another’s company and she’d grown used to him. When they weren’t discussing the Northern threat or the Southern one, they had passed the time talking to each other. About anything and everything. For Dany, Jon was the most fascinating person she had ever met. His life was entirely different to anything she had ever expected from him.

From being the bastard of Winterfell, to a member of the Night’s Watch, to Lord Commander, to King in the North, Dany took in every aspect of it. Not to mention, he was a remarkable leader, strong, passionate and handsome. Dany was in complete awe of him.

Dany could not help but to feel a heat creep slowly up her neck at the thought of the first time she’d felt something stir deep inside her due to Jon Snow. Back at the caves at Dragonstone, Jon had shown her the dragonglass. But it was when he’d placed his hand overtop of her own to guide her in the direction of the drawings of the white walkers, that she’d first felt something for the Northern king. They were in such close proximity, they were alone, they…

A soft tapping sound at the door stirred her from her thoughts.

Without warning, Dany’s heart quickened at a rapid pace. She could hear the echo of it’s thumping in her ears as she rose to her feet. She smoothed her dress out with both of her hands and sat up taller, her shoulders straight. “Come in.”

The door opened, revealing Missandei.

Dany felt her shoulders instantly drop and every last bit of hope drain from her.

Missandei bowed once and murmured a “your grace,” but Dany hardly noticed. She clenched her hand into a fist, placing it against her lips, and turned her head to look away from her. Frustration consumed her instantly.

“You have been alone in here for quite some time this evening, your grace,” Missandei said softly. Dany could tell she was trying to tread lightly.

“I’m tired, that’s all,” Dany replied absently, not even glancing up at her.

Missandei stood opposite of her, “shall I draw you a bath?”

Dany shook her head.

“Your grace, forgive me, but is something wrong? You have been acting different lately.” Missandei said, her eyes full of concern.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Dany told her, while still refusing to meet her eye.

“Yes you do,” Missandei replied stubbornly, “You are not yourself.”

Dany finally raised her eyes to look at her. She could see the concern written all over Missandei’s face. “My friend, you imagine this. I am fine.”

Missandei studied Dany’s face. She was not at all behaving like she usually did. Dany was strong. She was usually so honest and sure of herself. She wore her heart on her sleeve and was never afraid to express her thoughts, especially with Missandei. The pair had always been open with each other. Dany was the closest thing that Missandei had ever known to family. For Dany’s mind had to be preoccupied, she looked so conflicted as of late… it had to have been—

“Your grace… you would tell me if you had developed feelings for someone, would you not?”

A small blush graced Dany’s cheeks as she looked down once more. Missandei had known the Dragon Queen for quite some time now and she had never once witnessed her blush. It was a small one indeed, but it did not go unnoticed.

“Would your strange behavior have anything to do with Lord Snow?” Again, Missandei treaded lightly. She knew that Dany had been infatuated with him, but the two had never actually had the chance to discuss him in private or her Queen’s feelings for him.

Dany didn’t respond, instead, she surprisingly offered a small—almost saddened, smile.

Feeling as if she had pried enough for one evening, Missandei bowed once more, “Forgive me, your grace. It is not my place to ask such questions. I’ll leave you to get some rest.”

As she turned to leave, she stopped suddenly when Dany spoke softly, “Missandei… do you believing in such a thing as love at first sight?”

Daenerys Targaryen was indeed a strange girl at times. To anyone who did not know her, she appeared to be made of steel. Nothing could touch her, nothing could faze her. But Missandei, and the few others who were close to her knew that really, she was just as delicate… and as breakable, as anyone else.

Missandei thought for a moment, thinking of how to answer the unexpected question. “I would actually rather hope that it did not exist.”

Dany’s eyes shot up to meet hers suddenly. That was not the answer she was expecting. She furrowed her brows in confusion, “How so?”

I mean to say, why would anyone want a love like that to exist? It’s such an empty and meaningless love. A type of love that is based on value for the person, by their looks alone. A connection could be felt, of course… but not love.” Missandei paused and thought of her own love. She did not love Greyworm at first sight. She grew to love him, due to who he was as a person. “How could anyone truly fall in love with a stranger? You know nothing of their heart.”

Dany pondered this. She didn’t love Jon Snow at first sight. She actually disliked him. She did grow to like him as an ally, but it was based on pure alliance, not love. Even in the caves at Dragonstone, she did feel a deep connection and stir of feelings towards Jon, but she still didn’t call it love. No—it wasn’t until the day they had discussed Eastwatch and their plans to capture a wight that Dany began to feel more strongly towards him.

The freefolk will never follow Ser Jorah. They won’t have to. The words sometimes echoed in her mind when she least expected them. In that moment, Dany had feared for him. She had feared losing him. And she almost had. Leaving him behind was one of the hardest things she’d ever had to do. She thought for sure she was leaving him for dead. She had swore to herself while waiting for him at the Wall that she would never forgive herself. For she would have lost not only Viserion, but Jon as well.

But Jon had returned and the relief she felt was immeasurable. She stayed by his side for days, waiting for him to awaken. When he finally had, he had called her “Dany.” Something that tugged at her heart strings, though she would never admit it. Not only that, he had called her “My Queen.”

Then just days earlier at the Dragonpit, he remained loyal to her, no matter the cost. Jon had looked so distressed when Cersei put him on the spot. But still, he did not back down. “I cannot serve two queens. And I have already pledged myself to Queen Daenerys of house Targaryen.”

And later when she finally had a moment alone with him, they’d discuss the dragons that had been locked away in the pit. How this act was the beginning of the end for her family. Without dragons, the Targaryens weren’t extraordinary, they were just like everyone else. Dany truly believed this. Without her dragons, there would be nothing special about her. She would be just like everyone else. “You’re not like everyone else.”

Somewhere along the line, she wasn’t exactly sure when, there were so many memories at this point, but she fell in love with Jon Snow.

Dany placed her hand over her heart and drew in a deep breath and exhaled, finally realizing it for the first time. A smile danced across her lips.

She was in love with Jon Snow.

“I should bid you goodnight, your grace,” Missandei said. Dany looked up to her and was met with a knowing smile. She gave her a small nod and smiled in return.

Quietly, Missandei exited the room.

The moment she was gone, Dany rose to her feet. Her hands were shaking as she began to pace the room back and forth. She had to see Jon. Even if he didn’t feel the same, she had to know. The thoughts of loss confidence and conflicted thoughts had all evaporated into thin air.

She smoothed out her dress with her hands a few more times—a nervous habit.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow she would talk to him alone. She would ask him what his intentions are with her. She wanted to know why he insisted they sail together. It couldn’t be just for show. It couldn’t. It was settled. She would confront him tomorrow.

Three stiff knocks at the door halted her pacing. Slightly confused, she looked to the direction of the door. Did Missandei return? No, she wouldn’t have knocked that loud. Perhaps it was Tryion. But what was he doing, visiting her at this hour?

Dany approached the door and placed her hand on the knob. She hesitated ever so slightly, but didn’t allow herself to linger. In one swift motion, she turned it and threw the door open.

Her eyes were lowered, expecting to meet the gaze of Tryion. Instead, her eyes flickered up instantly to meet dark brown ones that belonged to Jon Snow.

She parted her lips slightly as if she were going to say something, but closed them once more.

Holding his gaze, the pair watched each other for a moment, until she lightly pushed the door open further, inviting him in. She watched him step forward and a small smile almost dared to appear across her lips.

Once inside, he stood beside her, his eyes never leaving hers, as he gently closed the door.

They stood there in silence once more for a mere second. Dany didn’t know if she should say something or wait for him to, but she quickly had her answer.

Jon took hold of her face so suddenly and when he leaned in,  and their lips finally crashed together in a passionate kiss.

anonymous asked:

Do you have any Faberry or Bechloe fic recs? You write amazing fanfiction, so I imagine you probably also have good taste in them :D

aw thank you so much! as luck would have it… I do have fic recs for both of those ships! And, well, of course I think of myself as having good taste in fics ;)

I have made a few faberry fic recs in the past, and unfortunately, I haven’t found many more fics with them since then? Granted, I haven’t been as much in a faberry-heavy mood for a few months, so… yeah the fic rec lists are the same. You can find them  here and here.

As for bechloe… okay, well the majority of my favorite Bechloe fics are shorter stories/oneshots (which i believe is the majority of stories i’ve really seen) but granted, I haven’t gone through this entire fandom and scoured for fics like i have for faberry. 

Okay, so without farther adieu:

Bechloe Fic Recs

By Redlance

Experimentation - So, about that one little regret… (aka canon divergent from the second movie and Chloe’s tent confession also known as the slowest burn to ever burn)

this is like the classic quintessential bechloe fic, let’s be real. i’m sure you’ve already read it, but… the hands down best bechloe fic i’ve ever seen.

Exception - Chloe is Beca’s exception to most of the rules she’s set herself in life. Which isn’t anywhere near as difficult for Beca to accept as it should be.

Sure Would Be Prettier - There’s an entire world out there for Beca to see, and she does. It’s filled with beauty and music and wonder, and it’s all pretty breath-taking. But there’s always something missing.

By wherehopelies -

You Still Make Sense to Me (Your Mess Is Mine) - “Chloe fills up all of the spaces inside her that she didn’t even know existed until Chloe was there.“orrrrr the one where it takes a fake-engagement and being domestic as hell for these two idiots to realize they’re in love. Set two years after PP2 and mostly canon compliant. Title taken from Vance Joy’s "Mess is Mine”

By Care -

The Sexual Implications of Teleportation - The first time is a complete freak accident.

eliminate the distance between us - Senior year isn’t really going the way Beca thought it would.A Pitch Perfect 2 AU.

You Know Her Breath Will Catch And How Her Fingers Curl - If someone had asked Beca at the end of her freshman year whose idea it would be to do a Bellas reunion tour, she would have sworn up and down that it would be Aubrey’s.

By gilligankane -

reality is a sliding door - There is a theory: every person has a moment in their life where they make a choice to go left or right. From those possibilities, two parallel lines form, running alongside each other; two concurrent realities. Parallel lines never cross; they run forever next to each other without ever meeting.In one world, Beca Mitchell joins the Barden Bellas.In another world, she wasn’t supposed to.In every world, Beca Mitchell underestimates Chloe Beale.

when gravity’s pulling (you’re still holding my heart) - Beca isn’t sure how she got here.Well, she knows how she got here, in this house, with these girls. She knows all about the real estate process too. But she isn’t sure how she got here: Laying on her bed with her laptop in her lap and her legs bent at the knee, feet flat so Chloe can paint her toenails while she goes over the Bellas history with Legacy and answer every question about the Beca-and-Chloe (fake) dating thing.It’s this part of her life she isn’t so sure about.

Song Beneath the Song - Chloe has always followed the music, because music has given her the best, most important things in her life.  It’s never led her astray. Sometimes, though, she wishes it’d give her a little bit of warning about the roller coaster she’s in for.

By sexonastick -

The Party’s Crashing Us - Beca has never been big into high school activities, but sometimes desperate people do desperate things. Like show up for marching band and get stalked by the creepy redheaded cheerleader who won’t leave you alone.

Bulletproof Use of Bullet Points - Nobody values friendship more than Aubrey Posen. (Even her best friend, Chloe, can really only be said to consider friendship equally as important as Aubrey does.) The point is: it matters.But Beca Mitchell might just be the most annoying person at Barden University. (Important note: she most definitely is.) Tolerating smug shitheads for the sake of someone else is surely the True Meaning of friendship.

By eliseboobman -

One touch and I was a believer (every kiss it gets a little sweeter) - “I wonder how many there are.” Chloe says, pointing up with her finger. She starts to count, moving her finger every time she does, and Beca smiles as she watches her. It’s impossible to count every star in the sky, but obviously Chloe tries. It’s such a Chloe thing to do.

You’re ripped at every edge but you’re a masterpiece - Beca is in love with Chloe. Chloe is in love with Stacie. Stacie is in love with Aubrey. Everything is messed up. (The unrequited love AU that nobody asked for.)

By obstinate_questionings -

This World Is Gonna Burn (Baby You Should Stick Around) - Beca really should have let Chloe know how much she hated ghost stories.[Halloween fic.]

By shitqueen -

Silhouettes -  It’s quite worrisome, how happy-go-lucky, doesn’t know the meaning of boundaries, across-neighbour Chloe Beale doesn’t bother her.  She doesn’t dwell on it though, she just continues on with life and focuses on what’s in front of her. Like, giving Jesse his Chinese food and pushing his legs off her sofa.(or: beca thinks everything is perfect, then chloe moves in across from her. being domestic as hell and secretly in love with each other for two years  come after.)

oh the habits of my heart - Listen, Beca’s not gay.She’s, like, only mildly attracted to German blondes. And, like, half-ish attracted to weirdo redheads with no knowledge on boundaries and how to respect them. So, yeah. Beca’s not gay.

By novel_concept26 -

Storytellers and Legends - Dr. Mitchell has the habit of kicking off his classes with personal stories: stories about a girl so outrageous, she couldn’t possibly be real. At least, that’s what Chloe always told herself. 

(Accidentally) Taking Aim - For Kay’s prompt: “At Barden, the acapella groups are naturally drawn to understanding the world through music. It’s the language they speak, from toners to aca-children, but most of all in the harmonies they make with their mouths. So is it really any wonder that Chloe is falling so hard when Beca is wooing her with her music, even if it’s completely by accident?”

Secrecy - Chloe and Aubrey are best friends; always have been, always will be. Which is what makes this whole thing so weird. Because, see, best friends don’t keep secrets from each other. Most of the time.

Some Kind of Home - Home is where the heart is; Chloe is just better at following hers than most people. Not that Beca gets that at all.

By reliquiaen -

I Am Not Worthy (Not Worthy of This) - Prompt: “I found your tumblr but you don’t know and urg now you’re posting about your crush on this cute person oh wait is that me.”  Got waaaay out of hand.

Jesse’s Girl - “It’s an inner monologue of curses and other assorted expletives coupled with self-derogatory slurs that’s been skipping scratchily through her head for the past ten minutes.” - AU

By lismicro -

this love ain’t enough to leave you - On a one-way trip to Los Angeles, aspiring DJ Beca Mitchell doesn’t expect her world to change. Enter Chloe Beale, photographer and journalist, who doesn’t know how to make hers stand still.

By mooosicaldreamz -

mix the bourgeoisie and the rebel (we got the gift of melody) - Beca is an up and coming producer, Chloe Beale is pop’s newest princess. This is the story of how they fall in love.

By echo_wolf -

Something You Want, Something You Need - Beca Mitchell’s not really sure how, but a copper-haired Cocker Spaniel (who walked into her bathroom while she was singing in the shower) managed to change her life and give her Chloe Beale.  Or the story of how DJ-just-moved-in-down-the-hall Beca and  travelling-private-music-instructor Chloe succeed to be disgustingly domestic with a dog and 5000 miles distance.

By galpalkru -

Don’t You (Forget About Me) - If you drunkenly sleep with your best friend, you’re both just supposed to pretend that you don’t remember, right? Even if you know that she knows that you know that she knows. Yeah.Or the one where Beca and Chloe sleep together and refuse to be the first to admit that they both remember everything.

By lamachine -

embrace the weirdness -  She was working for a sex line. Chloe was a phone sex operator.  Okay. That one, Beca needed time to process.

By theamberissubtle -

Aca-awkward - Chloe gets caught sexting in class by a lecturer who also happens to be the unsuspecting father of her girlfriend.

By chloebeale -

All Apologies - Beca can’t believe it when her gorgeous redheaded neighbor shows up on her doorstep. When she starts crying, admitting that she’s run over what she thinks is Beca’s cat, she doesn’t have the heart to tell her that the feline belongs to the old man next door. And when Chloe locks her keys in her car, she can’t help but invite her in. But even Beca doesn’t expect what happens next.

OH MY GOD I COULD KEEP GOING WHY DO I READ SO MUCH FANFIC
I’ll stop there for now… I hope you enjoy!

Trinket Trove

Pairing: McHanzo

Rating: G

Summary: No shiny object is safe with Hanzo’s dragons around. Not even something as important as a ring…

– – – – – – – – – –

Written for @mchanzo-week 2017, for Day 4 (Red/Blue) and 5 (Traditional/Unorthodox) 

Read on Ao3

Author’s Note: This has been sitting in my drafts for a long ass time but McHanzo Week finally kicked me into gear to get it done. Helped that it fit two prompts


Jesse McCree was a man who knew how to roll with the punches. Resourcefulness was a skill he had perfected over years of being on the run after he deserted from Blackwatch, and hell, even maybe before that.

This. This was not something Jesse could easily roll with.

Jesse had already torn his own room apart looking for the ring. It wasn’t a simple case of him simply forgetting where he had hidden it either. Yes, he had to have hidden it somewhere incredibly sneaky to avoid Hanzo simply coming across it, but he had checked every single nook and cranny in the room. Shit, he had even checked the ceiling tiles.

No matter how high or low Jesse looked however, the engagement ring he’d finally saved up enough money for was absolutely nowhere to be seen. He weighed his options, which were looking to be either: A) letting the cat out of the bag and asking Hanzo for his help or B) tear the entire base apart. The latter option was the one Jesse decided on, not quite ready to face the music. Hanzo always had said he was a stubborn man. Jesse just liked to prove him right time and time again.

He made it all the way to the rec room before Hanzo discovered him.

Keep reading

Another reading between the lines... This time 7x07, the season finale

So the season finale is through, and we learned that we shouldn’t believe in everything the creators want to make us believe. Arya and Sansa weren’t fighting, but like I was predicting, they were plotting against Littlefinger to make him pay for his crimes.

So for everyone who called bullshit on the showmakers trying to make us believe that the Starks will start to kill one another, here are some hints for why I am calling bullshit on the Daenerys/Jon romance as well.

Like I mentioned in my earlier post, I think the narrative changed quite a bit. Where we’ve seen the Stark family pretty much straight forward in a narrative way before, they are now the unreliable narratives. We have to start questioning their motives because they finally all join the game.

So I predict that Sansas: “I am a slow learner, but I learn” is also a foreshadowing regarding Jon. We all know very well what happens to characters in GOT that won’t join the game out of good heart and honor. To Jon the best example is the fate of his “father” Ned Stark. He holds him still dear and tries to be honorable like he was, but what we also learned in the finale episode was, that even Ned was able to lie for years on end, to protect the ones he loved.

So it’s unrealistic to expect that a character like Jon won’t ever learn from the experiences he lived through. He witnessed more than once that betrayal also comes through honor. Of course we all love him for being an honorable, honest person, who values the things his father represented dearly, but that is what also got Jon killed by the Nightswatch, and I think he knows that by now.

So let’s break down “the dragon and the wolf”, to find a bit of proof that dear Jon is actually playing the game quite for real. I will address the Jonsa part later on.

First of all don’t forget what is on stake for him. He just learned that Bran and Arya are also alive and he was not happy about it. Why ? Because it means he has even more family to protect, than just Sansa who he’s literally sworn to protect and fought a war for, to win Winterfell back. It’s additional weight on his shoulders.

Secondly don’t forget what he just witnessed. A dragon that was easily killed off by the Night King. That means additional to the family he thought partly dead to protect, he is cut short of time and resources to win the war against the Night King.

Obviously he wasn’t thinking about that the Night King might resurrect the dead dragon, otherwhise Eastwatch would have been not that surprised about the Wight Dragons appearance at the episodes end. But Jon still knows that he is running out of time because Bran told him so in the Raven Jon got from Winterfell.

So Jon has to make sure that the alliance with Dany will hold, and that she won’t go fighting for the Iron Throne instead. But he has obviously a hard time playing the game though, unless that he is playing it.

That shows because he told Cersei that he is already pledged to Dany. Still too much of Ned Starks son to break oaths.

But here in the conversation is also an interesting hint. Tyrion asked him if he didn’t learn to lie, even a bit, but Jon doesn’t answer the question directly. He could have said that he was never a liar, that his father didn’t bring him up to be a liar. Instead he talks about keeping his oath and keeping promises. Here he talks about Ned Stark being killed because of keeping oaths, means an oath still has high value for Jon and he will never swear an oath that he can’t uphold. Doesn’t mean that he would never lie.

Next conversation is with Jon and Dany. He seems truly unhappy about his conduct and you might expect him to say to himself, that he’ll never learns. But I think more poignant is what Dany says throughout the conversation. She admits that she doesn’t know how to react if Cersei won’t accept the truce. She can’t forget what she has seen behind the wall, but she also can’t pretend that as soon as she will march her forces north Cersei will take the kingdom back. For her to sit on the iron throne has still the same importance as ever, and what she is saying, actually means, that Jon can’t be sure that Dany will come and fight the war on the wall. Not if she is left with the choice between the North and the iron throne. She could still sacrifice the north, take the throne and then march against the walkers. For her the north is just a part of her future kingdom, for him it’s his home. I think Dany has agreed to fight for the North solely based on the feelings she has for Jon, and he knows that.

Also she talks about her family, comparing them to the dragons. They were terrifying. People looked at them with wonder and awe. But then dragons grew small and we grew small as well until we were just like everybody else. We weren’t extraordinary without them.

Jons greatest goal was always to fit in, to be part of the Starks for real, to be like everybody else, not to be a bastard and been seen as one, as something extraordinary.

Then we see Jon have his first personal talk with Dany, about being not like everybody else, about the future of her house and about her not be able to have children. They havN#t really talked like that before, which made not buy the love story between them from the start. But here we see that he starts caring for her, he has compassion, he likes her, he makes even a joke. That was the first bonding moment apart from the fact that he was sorry for the loss of her dragon.

Next conversation I was having my eye on, was the one Jon had with Theon. Besides of the obvious foreshadowing that Jon will also have to be conflicted in the next season about his two parts of family, Stark and Targaryen, Theon tells him that every step that Jon took was always right and true and in the subtext he wished he could be like him. Mark what Jon replies to that: It may seem so from the outside. I promise you it’s not true. Jon says he has done plenty of things that he regrets. So what would that be dear Jon? Have we seen him doing anything questionable before? No? anything that was not honorable? No. Anything untrue? No. So what is he talking about? Maybe about the things he is doing now? The game he is arranging himself with now?

Next thing that appeared weird to me was when Jon said that Ned was more of a father to Theon than his own father. Theon says yes. And yet you betrayed him. Betrayed his memory. I did. Jon starts off with anger here but then his look softens and he nods his head in understanding to Theon. Followed by a blank look and says, but you never lost him, he’s a part of you, just like he’s a part of me.

It seems like Jon isn’t just angry at Theon but himself here. I think he is dealing with Neds legacy and is conflicted about what his scheme is, which is also an betrayal of Neds memory.

Another important line is also, I am not in the place to forgive all of it, but what I can I do. Seems like Jon hopes for forgiveness, too, at least when the time comes to justify his actions.

Soooo after this the biggest hint what Jon has actually in mind is given us by the late Littlefinger himself. When he tells Sansa that Jon might marry the beautiful dragon queen. The alliance makes sense, together they will be difficult to defeat.

But not only difficult to defeat but more than pledged to each other. A bond that will assure the alliance by marriage. Till now we’ve only seen women being married off because of political benefits in the GOT verse. But what if the same thought also crossed Jons mind? What if he is so desperate to secure an alliance with Dany that he actually came to the same conclusion as Littlefinger ?

Both young and unmarried, both not unattractive and they seem to like each other. It would make sense and it would also explain the lukewarm romance from Jons side. Dany is in head over heels, no denying that, but Jon never seemed much excited at making heart eyes at Dany. Yeah Tyrion mentioned towards Dany that Jon was looking longingly at her, but I think that remark was mostly dropped because Tyrion wanted to see her reaction. No heart eyes so far. And this leads me to the final thing that convinced me that something is really off with Jon romantic feelings.

Boatsex was not what I expected at all. I expected it to crush Jonsa, but it didn’t.

There was no conversation, no builtup, no passion I would say. Jon stood in front of Danys door, like a man on a mission. He hesitates to long, stares at the door for an eternity, is uncertain if he shall go through with it. As soon as he knocks his head jerks aside in a motion that could be also used to shake his head no at himself. He has the composure of someone who is about to seal a deal that goes against his believes. Then he stares her down, like he is afraid, expressionless, no kiss, no touch when she opens the door for him. Then Dany is on top, both naked, assume she took action first, of course he is also enjoying because hey it’s sex with a beautiful woman, flips her over and then comes the most haunted look I’ve ever seen during a sex scene. Dany looks at him in awe and wonder, she is really into him, and he is just… not ? He sighs with an heavy heart, he pants like he wants to back off and tell her that he is sorry for letting it come this far. It appears almost as regret. He looks at her still, uncertain, almost at the brink of breaking the embrace, places his hands on her cheek, a mirrored touch he did to Sansa during the forehead kiss and then…. He shuts his eyes as fast as he can and starts smooching her in earnest with a touch of forced passion and willing himself to go through with it. I mean what was that? I was ready to let my ship sink and accept that Jonaerys is happening, but not like this. This was just the weirdest thing. This is not how you sleep with someone you are madly in love with, this is the way you are sleeping with someone you like but not love. No smiles, no connection besides the obvious parts, too much other stuff in mind, just a performance.

Something is off, I call bullshit.

So all in all in this episode there was a huge amount of talk about truth, oaths, lies. The Winterfell part showed us that we shouldn’t believe in what we see, and I say we also underestimate Jon Snow. He is capable of playing the game and he does, sure he is conflicted about it, but you don’t survive with being just honorable. He bends the truth as far as he can justify it to himself and the ghost of Ned Stark. He is securing an important alliance with the prospect of marriage. Well and would all work out well, if she wouldn’t be his aunt.

Now for Jonsa. Of course they are hinting Jonsa. Littlefinger was onto something after Jon  choked him in the crypt. There was no need to tell Sansa how beautiful the dragon queen is and that Jon is young and unmarried just like Dany, unless he wanted to see her reaction to the idea that Jon could get married someday. Also I read that in the original script that featured the conversation between Theon and Jon, Sansa is also mentioned, but they cut that out. Again. That happens so frequently that I am actually convinced that they cut scenes like that to avoid making it to obvious. Next thing Sansa is always standing in the same spot brooding, she was last seen standing with Jon also brooding after the battle of the bastards. Hard to say what she was thinking about, most likely the imminent kill of Littlefinger, but maybe also about Jon bending the knee, because this spot has a meaning to her. Then Arya saying they have to protect each other in winter, Sansa immediately states “Father”, but is was not just Ned that said that. “We have to trust each other, we can’t fight a war amongst ourselves, We have so many enemies now”, sounds quite similar, spoken by Jon just on the same brooding spot Sansa and Arya stood in while having this conversation about Ned. The face touch, Jon gave Dany during his panic moment in bed, mirrored the face touch he gave Sansa after the forehead kiss.

This all seems a lot like an Jonsa endgame to me.

But to be honest, I would also love to see Tyrion have some happiness. Peter Dinklage killed the episode with his acting. So if Sansa and Tyrion end up together I am happy too. But the signs are there for Jonsa, definitely. But in this world of GOT nothing is really sure ;)

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I also think the show and the books are chiefly about character development and learning process. There are lessons to be learned in every aspect of war, love and life. There were lessons in the lovestories of GOT from Rob/Talisa to Brienne/Jamie. It’s a bit odd that Daenerys for example never learned the lesson of rejection so far. She never lost a battle for love, except the death of a lover. But every male she was ever involved with was just enchanted by her from the start. Drogo was, Daario was, and poor Jorah was and always will be. With Daario and Jorah it was one sided or mere sexual. But she never experienced someone not loving her. And since real life teaches all of us this lesson, I believe that Jon will be the lesson for Dany. The betrayal of love. Of love for his family and the north, maybe even Sansa

Plus Tyrion knows. The expression on his face while standing outside of boatbang. He knows the lovestory is fishy and that such an affair would be dangerous.

God Loves Tattoos And Piercings

A/N: Okay I got the idea to write this from a post I saw on Facebook. It’s brilliant.

Author: @totallysupernaturaloneshots

Word Count: 1,830

Characters: Chuck x Reader, Sam Dean and Castiel

Pairings: Chuck x Reader

Warnings: Err mostly fluff, some angst, kissing God (I guess this needs a warning.)

Your name: submit What is this?

Originally posted by castielamigos

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Stardust

Knight!Bucky Barnes X Castle Maid!Reader

A/N: Surprise! I present to you my first time writing in an AU. Just a little something extra along with what I have coming soon.

Words: approx. 2.1K

Prompt: Knights and castles and dancing and kisses. Arthurian AU.

Warnings: implied familial death, insecurities, kissing (is that even a warning idk)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Yes, milady. Of course.” You smiled widely as Queen Guinevere told you of the ball that she wished to hold at the palace today, in commemoration of her beloved King Arthur’s return.

She had called for your help on choosing a dress that was sure to catch the King’s eye.

After hours spent showing her beautiful gowns that you could only hope in vain to ever have the honor of wearing, she decided on a soft lavender gown. You could only gape at the way that it fitted her, bringing out every ounce of femininity in her very being.

“It’s lovely, my lady.” You said, unable to hide your astonishment. Guinevere smiled, holding the gown to her frame. Shamefully embarrassed by your momentary indulgence, you turned your gaze downwards. Just as a mere servant would be expected to behave.

The queen noticed your sudden change.

“Surely, you will be there?” She questioned.

“With all due respect, my queen, I’m afraid I cannot bow to your wishes.” You said, the words leaving your mouth with the ease of silk gliding over soft skin. These exact words had left your mouth many times. Always the same exact words, always the answer to this question.

You plastered on a smile. You didn’t understand why she asked you every time a great celebration took place when the  A part of you ached to go. However, no peasant such as yourself should associate themselves with the upper class.

Guinevere smiled sadly.

“I truly wish you will someday be able to grace us with your presence.” She smiled, her voice teasing at your reluctance.

“As do I.” You offered her a small smile. Ever since you had come to work at the castle, the queen had become a friend rather than your superior. But for a royal such as her to be so close with someone of a such a low standing as you, it was considered…blasphemous. You could be killed for it.

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My Girl - Tom Riddle Imagine

A/N: hello dearies! :D yet another request! for this one I actually combined two requests because they were sort of requesting the same thing… so :D

Requests:

  • Anonymous said: Hi! I was wondering if you could possibly do a Tom Riddle one where you are both a lot a like (both want to get rid of mudbloods) and grew up together in the orphanage. Oh and you’re both dating and some girls are jealous over him so they’re mean to you and he uses a curse on them or something to protect you.
  • Anonymous said: Um can you pls do a Tom riddle x reader oneshot that doesn’t involve chamber of secrets and can the reader also be a slytherin thanks &lt;3 

So, here it is! It was sort of fun to write like a villain xD hope you guys like it!

Disclaimer: I don’t own Harry Potter.

Your name: submit What is this?


My Girl

“Excellent! 20 points to Slytherin” Professor Slughorn said excited after (Y/N) answered his last question. “Alright, that is all. Class dismissed!”

(Y/N) smirked proudly looking at the rest of her class. She saw the rest of the girls from her house, and from the other houses, glaring at her. She knew they were all jealous of her. Not by being brilliant at Potions, which she was… or any other subject for that matter; but because of the boy standing on the other side of the classroom smiling at her. He quickly walked over to (Y/N) and leaned down to press a kiss on her lips.

“That was wonderful, love” he said smiling.

“Thank you, Tom” she said stepping on her tiptoes to give him another peck. “Ready for lunch?”

“I’ve got a Prefect meeting, love” he said laughing a little when she pouted at him. “But I believe we’ve got a free period later, do we not?” he said raising his eyebrows a little suggestively.

(Y/N) giggled blushing a little. “It’s a date, Mr. Riddle” she said kissing his cheek.

Since she wasn’t going to be able to eat lunch with her boyfriend, she decided to get some food and made her way outside. Once she sat on a bench, she took out her favorite book and enjoyed her alone time. (Y/N) didn’t mind being alone. She was used to being alone. She grew up alone. Well, not entirely alone. She grew up along with Tom at Wool’s Orphanage. That’s why they became best friends. When Tom first realized his magic abilities, the first person he told, was (Y/N). He was even happier when they discovered she had them as well. They started Hogwarts together and were both placed in Slytherin. They even shared some of the same beliefs, like wanting to maintain the blood-purity, even if both of them were half-bloods and grew up in the Muggle world. Although (Y/N) wasn’t really sure if she was a half-blood or a pureblood or, dare she say it, a mudblood. Nobody knew anything about her parents when she was left at that awful place. Throughout the years, their friendship turned into something more. They had been dating for over a year now and honestly, it’s the happiest (Y/N)’s ever been. Tom was the only person she truly trusted and the only one she could say that she loved.

“Well, look who it is” of course she was rudely interrupted by Walburga Black and her group of friends.

She was used to this. Most of the girls didn’t like her. The girls on other houses didn’t like her because they didn’t like Tom, not that she cared, it was filled with mudbloods, but the girls in her own house didn’t like her because they were all pretty much in love with her boyfriend. She was used to it by now, but today she just really wanted some peace and quiet.

“Can I help you with something, Walburga?” she asked with a fake smile.

“Oh, please as if you could help anyone, you orphan” Walburga said laughing.

(Y/N) wasn’t going to lie. Walburga was known in the school for her beauty. A lot of boys were after her and if it wasn’t because she came from the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black and she was destined to end up marrying one of her cousins, probably, she could have any single guy she wanted. But (Y/N) wasn’t stupid. She knew very well she wanted Tom.

“Where’s your boyfriend? Did he finally come to his senses and got rid of you?”

“Not that is any of your business, but Tom is in a Prefects meeting” (Y/N) said closing her book. She stood up from the bench and was about to walk away from the group of girls, but they stopped her.

“You know as much as I do that is only a matter of time before he leaves you like everybody does” Walburga said with a smirk.

“Tom wouldn’t do that” (Y/N) said glaring at her. 

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hey mom and dad (my coming out letter to my parents)

I debated sharing this on tumblr for a while, but figured if someone is struggling coming out to their conservative parents, there’s a chance this could help. I wrote a letter as not to put them on the spot, to allow them their own time to process it, and to give them a tangible part of myself so they could not dismiss it in conversation.

Please feel free to message me if you have questions or want advice in talking to your parents. I’m more than happy to share more of my story with you.


“As you both know, I’m much better at expressing myself through writing than in person. So even though we talked about some important things at dinner the other night, the topic that was intended to be covered was not. I was already feeling tense and nervous and had put a lot of pressure on myself, and for sharing something this personal I didn’t want the energy to be negative. There was also a lot of anticipation from everyone at the table and I didn’t want that to add to the possible ‘shock factor’ or put anyone on the spot.

The more I learn about human patterns and behavior, the more I learn about how willing people are to conform to social norms, conscious or not. Sometimes things that seem petty can be so influential on a person’s identity and sense of self without them even realizing it. I think it’s apparent that I have grown to the point of critically analyzing the way things are instead of accepting them at face value. I’m still making progress in this area, but being aware that the world’s expectations of me are not always who I am has helped me learn some things about myself that never seemed like viable options.

You have both witnessed the boys I have dated growing up and I know you weren’t all that crazy about any of them. Honestly neither was I- but I’m sure that was pretty apparent. I’d never experienced the heartbreak that I saw [my sister] experience with her relationships. I never really went through the typical teenage-girl “boy crazy” phase.  Mom, you’ve told me with every boyfriend that I’m a heartbreaker because of my apathy in the relationship. The most I’ve been hurt by other people is when friendships end- not when romantic relationships have ended. Of course, many things are factors of my lack of caring when it comes to boyfriends, but I think one of the main ones is just that I don’t want to date boys. And I don’t know if I ever really have, or if that was a reflection of me trying to find my place in society- conforming to what the world expects from me.

Then I met [my best friend, a man], who is essentially everything I thought I wanted in a boyfriend at the time. And yet I still could not bring myself to date him. There was still something missing aside from our personal compatibility. I value how close my friendship with him is and I want the best for him, but I have no desire to be his girlfriend or to have him as my boyfriend, or to have a boyfriend. I don’t know if you know where this is going yet, or if you are surprised at all by this statement, but I don’t want to date men. I want to date women (want to, lol. I’m still alone). That is who I am.

I’m the same person I was before you read this- the only thing that has changed is me deciding it’s time to open up to you. I love and appreciate you and the support you have shown me through the years and I hope you can still see me as me and not as a label. The only difference you can expect is for me to be more comfortable in being myself around you and not feeling like I have to hide a part of myself from you.”


side note: I left this letter in their room then left the country for a week where I had no service. not even sorry lol

Permanent. (Tom Holland.)

Requested – No and yes. Guys, this is it! Tattoo Artist Tom ready to fuck you guys up. By the way, I am so late with this. 

Prompt – Finally deciding to take a risk in your life, you get a tattoo and possibly an unexpected lover. 

Warning – Feels. So much feels you’ll probably want Tom to actually be a tattoo artist. (I was listening to Tattoo by Jordin Sparks as I was writing this. It doesn’t really go with the story line, but it was nice to listen to.) 

Words – 1,309.

Requests?

Tattoos are permanent. Once a person decides to get one, that’s it. There is no turning back unless they want to endure the pain of reverting their skin back to normal. Every tattoo should have meaning; it cannot be simply a random design that has no significance whatsoever. Tattoos will be a constant reminder of a risk that a person chose to take and it should be a great value to them. Small or big, a tattoo should be treasured on a person’s body like art.

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Measure of Beauty

Request: I saw you had requests open! Could you write either a Thor (if you don’t do him that’s ok) or a Bucky/seb x chubby or plus size reader? 

A/N: I’ll write any character, I just primarily get Buck/Seb or Tom Holland requests, SOOOOO let’s go with Thor.

Tags: @ladydork, @yourgayonlinemom, @broken-pieces, @bubblyanarocks3, @yessy2012


The silence and solitude engulfing (Y/N) as she sat curled up on her couch covered in a blanket was pure agony. She hated the fact that the man who made her feel the most significant lived so far away; long distance was always something she thought she could handle until she was faced with the issue of her the man she loved ruling a completely different realm. Sure she was able to stomach the looks of lunacy she received when asked why she doesn’t date and even the occasional disbelief–she knew the truth and she knew the reality of her relationship with Thor–but what really set her off were the inconsiderate, unnecessary, degrading rumors.

(Y/N) had always been on the chubbier side as a child and rather than having support from friends or family regarding her weight, any comment she received was given with some underlying shade. There were the subtle hints: “that top looks great, but isn’t it a little tight?” The suggestions: “I’m going to the gym if you want to come!” The blatantly rude comments: “are you really going to eat all of that?” “You’ll be as big as a house!” And then, the helpful, ‘healthy’ hints: “don’t you want to look healthy?”

It had taken years for (Y/N) to even begin to feel confident in her skin and each comment just continues to bring up doubts about herself. She’d struggled in the past with binging or excessive dieting and exercise to appeal to societal standards of beauty but had eventually given up. The pain wasn’t worth conforming to society’s expectations. She knew she was healthy whether or not she was in shape. She knew she took care of herself as best as she could, if not better than the people who continued to try to live off less than a thousand calories a day, and she had gained a sense of confidence about herself and her body that she didn’t expect possible.

When Thor came along, he was exposed to this radiant, self-assured, incredible human being and had fallen for her perfection. He didn’t know the self-conscious teenager who refused to look in a mirror or the college student who put on the freshman fifteen and then tried to starve herself for months; he saw (Y/N): beautiful, happy, healthy, kind, sassy, and all together wonderful person. She had never intended to show him the other side of her: the ugly, self-pitying, wallowing mess of a person she used to be, but she had no choice.

(Y/N) tried to ignore the thoughts rushing through her head, but they demanded attention. She tried to rationalize, to tell herself all of the same calming and realistic explanation she goes through when faced with his level of self-consciousness and humiliation, but it failed. Her mind was continually brought back to the rude, uncaring, horrid people who targeted her that afternoon, teasing her about how no one could ever love her, that even ‘chubby chasers’ aren’t interested in the real thing rather just losing themselves in another layer of skin during sex. She wanted nothing more than to correct them, to tell them that she was deeply committed to a man who loved her for every part of her and who was a thousand times the man any of them could ever hope to be, but trying to explain her relationship was difficult enough when discussing it with the understanding people in her life without sounding like an idiot or a nut job.

Her desperation to save a little face lead to a continual, overly analytical evaluation of her life and her thoughts and conceptions about herself began to spiral. Was she worth it? Was there anything she could offer Thor? Why was he with her in the first place? Was their relationship based on pity? Did he ever truly care about her? As her mind flooded with more and more incriminating questions, there was a knock on her door. Hesitantly, she rose and opened the door to reveal Thor, dressed as though he were a lumberjack, glancing down at her in concern.

“Heimdal said you weren’t well, are you ill?” he quickly interrogated her as he pushed his way into her home.

“I’m fine,” she stated and closed the door behind him.

“You’ve been crying,” he observed.

“But I’m not now,” she stated, trying to sound strong and in control of her emotions.

“(Y/N),” he said softly while taking her face in his hands and pressing his lips against the top of her head. “You are a terrible liar.” She let out a sighed and swallowed hard, trying not to choke up as she attempted to speak.

“Do…do you love me?” she questioned and ducked her head to avoid eye contact.

“Yes, of course!” Thor smiled, his voice booming with pride. “Is this about me being away?” he quickly asked.

“No, it’s not that; I understand you have to be in Asgard right now, but–”

“Then what’s gotten you so upset, dove?” he asked as he ran his fingers through her hair.

“How can you love me?” she asked in an exasperated tone. “Who’s to say that I’m not replaceable with some skinnier, prettier girl?”

“(Y/N),” Thor sighed as he pulled her closer to his chest. “I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

“Of course not,” she sighed, “because you’re too good to me and too good for me. You didn’t grow up hearing the stupid chants kids made to tease me about my weight, you don’t know about the torment other kids put on me because I was bigger because I never told you about my lifelong insecurities because you were too perfect to see them, but now I am. Why do you love me? No one else does nor can they fathom how any human could. My whole life I’ve been told I’m not worth the shit under my shoes so what makes me expect that I’m worth something to you?” Her voice was cracking through her anger at herself as Thor stood in front of her, his arms still tightly woven around (Y/N)’s body. making her feel small and helpless against his muscles.

“I’ve been examining the Earth and it’s inhabitants for ages, (Y/N) and I can tell you this about humanity: the concept of beauty changes and it’s not universal. Your dress size and measurements don’t matter to me. The contents of your heart, the values of your soul, and your genuinely good-willed nature are what really matters–not whether or not your thighs tough, if your hipbones or collarbones are visible, and certainly not if you have the flattest stomach. For me, (Y/N), you are perfect. You are the most amazing and most gorgeous woman I’ve ever laid eyes on both physically and because of your character. Don’t fret any longer about any reservations regarding us. No one, large or small, could ever compare to the way you make me feel, and that is the true measure of your beauty.”

The Third & final Jonerys chapter transition in A Storm of Swords was absolutely mind blowing. There were some awesome parallels in the first when Dany is en route to Astapor & Jon is on his way to Mance’s camp, both about to have their morals challenged & devising a manipulative plan. The second when Jon becomes involved with Ygritte & Dany gets her army of Unsullied surprisingly had some great parallels too. But this transition was two of the coolest chapters I’ve read back to back so far, with so many hidden Jonerys treasure! 

1. Jon had his first romantic day dream about his idea of Ygritte who wasn’t a Wildling If I could show her Winterfell … give her a flower from the glass gardens, feast her in the Great Hall, and show her the stone kings on their thrones. We could bathe in the hot pools, and love beneath the heart tree while the old gods watched over us. And it’s just so cute, like hang in there Jon, you’ll meet Dany soon. Dany too meets Daario for the first time & develops a little crush on him. But on a sad note about fantasy love lives, Dany shares that Viserys always blamed her for Robert’s rebellion, that she was born too late, for if she was born early & wed Rhaegar, his love triangle with Elia & Lyanna wouldn’t have started a war. 

2. Jon worries if Ygritte will betray him if he told her his secret & he worries that if he left, would the Wildlings punish her for his treachery. Dany too worries if Darrio will betray her since it’s prophesied that she’ll know two more treasons for gold & love. 

3. Ygritte insults Jon for being a kneeler & throws her condescending phrase ‘You know nothing, Jon Snow’ more than a few times. The men Dany meets before her seige on Yunkai, the leaders of masters of Yunkai & the sellswords, Stromcrows & Second Sons, guarding the city insult her being a woman with lewd & rapey comments. 

4. Jon & the wildlings are south of the Wall & it’s the first time Jon stands up to Ygritte challenging the Wildling ways of raiding & raping and tells her they won’t win this war. He acknowledges the truth of their relationship, “Ygritte set the trap and Mance Rayder pushed me into it.” And he finally puts his foot down, “He was going to have to find some way to betray these men, and when he did they would die. He did not want their friendship, any more than he wanted Ygritte’s love.”

Dany too stands up to Jorah once and for all when he tells her that she can’t trust Daario, “Do you think I’m still some virgin girl, that I cannot hear the words behind the words? You have been a better friend to me than any I have known, a better brother than Viserys ever was. You are the first of my Queensguard, the commander of my army, my most valued counselor, my good right hand. I honor and respect and cherish you—but I do not desire you, Jorah Mormont, and I am weary of your trying to push every other man in the world away from me, so I must needs rely on you and you alone. It will not serve, and it will not make me love you any better.” 

5. Jon feels lonely without Ghost, “Jon wondered where Ghost was now. Had he gone to Castle Black, or was he was running with some wolfpack in the woods? He had no sense of the direwolf, not even in his dreams. It made him feel as if part of himself had been cut off. Even with Ygritte sleeping beside him, he felt alone.”

While playing with her dragons, Dany has a similar thought: (She felt very lonely all of a sudden. Mirri Maz Duur had promised that she would never bear a living child. House Targaryen will end with me. That made her sad. “You must be my children,” she told the dragons, “my three fierce children. Arstan says dragons live longer than men, so you will go on after I am dead.”)

6. They both play the same game with Ghost & Drogon:  “Drogon looped his neck around to nip at her hand. His teeth were very sharp, but he never broke her skin when they played like this. Dany laughed, and rolled him back and forth until he roared, his tail lashing like a whip.”

In the previous book, Jon does the same, “Jon squatted to let the direwolf close his jaws around his wrist, tugging his hand back and forth. It was a game they played.”

7. Jon tells Ygritte a story of a Targaryen queen who has many parallels with Dany & her dynamic with her husband is compared to Jonerys. 

Old Nan had told him the story, but Maester Luwin had confirmed most of it. “Alysanne, the wife of King Jaehaerys the Conciliator. He’s called the Old King because he reigned so long, but he was young when he first came to the Iron Throne. In those days, it was his wont to travel all over the realm. When he came to Winterfell, he brought his queen, six dragons, and half his court. The king had matters to discuss with his Warden of the North, and Alysanne grew bored, so she mounted her dragon Silverwing and flew north to see the Wall. This village was one of the places where she stopped. Afterward the smallfolk painted the top of their holdfast to look like the golden crown she’d worn when she spent the night among them.”

Bran mentions in an earlier chapter that she gifted these very lands, where Jon & Ygritte were at this moment looking at the tower in question, to the Night’s Watch for their sustenance, because she thought they were all very brave.  

Whitebeard shares stories of Rhargar’s life with Dany & there’s a part which makes him sound a lot like Jon, 

“Perhaps so, Your Grace.” Whitebeard paused a moment. “But I am not certain it was in Rhaegar to be happy.”

“You make him sound so sour,” Dany protested.

“Not sour, no, but … there was a melancholy to Prince Rhaegar, a sense …” The old man hesitated again.

“Say it,” she urged. “A sense … ?”

“… of doom. He was born in grief, my queen, and that shadow hung over him all his days.”

8. Jon’s struggle at not wanting to kill the old man when the Wildlings force him to prove himself, kind of resonated for Dany’s desire to win Yunkai with strategy & not bloodshed. 

9. What I loved the most was how basass the ending for both these chapters were, Jon’s escape from the Wildlings was so cool in a dark rainy night only briefly illuminated by thunder. Bran’s direwolf helping Jon make the escape. It was just really cool! I was fangirling so hard and I loved that once he ran, Ygritte doesn’t ambush him like in the show. Dany’s Mhysa moment outside the gates of Yunkai is also so much better in the books.      

10. And lastly, I loved how this was the ending for the Jon chapter before it transitioned to Dany reaching Yunkai, “Thunder rumbled softly in the distance, but above him the clouds were breaking up. Jon searched the sky until he found the Ice Dragon, (it’s a constellation in this world but damn George, the foreshadowing) then turned the mare north for the Wall and Castle Black. The throb of pain in his thigh muscle made him wince as he put his heels into the old man’s horse. I am going home, he told himself. But if that was true, why did he feel so hollow?” In a way Jon’s lack of a home resonates with Dany’s greatest yearning too and it was interesting that earlier this chapter, he thinks about what the Wildlings might be saying about him in the Old Tongue, “Get back where you belong, Jon guessed. But where is that?” (Gif : scarygritte)

Then Dany’s chapter begins with her sizing up Yunkai’s defences. (Gif:rebloggy)

Interesting little nuggets: 

  • I also liked that as Jon was judging how undisciplined the freefolk were in terms of warfare and Dany had the same thought about some of the former slaves of Astapor who had stolen a few weapons & joined her camp. She agreed that they were slowing the camp but she tells Jorah that they are free people & she’s not going to tell to leave if they wish to come along. 
  • Another tiny parallel, Dany comes up with her own version of ‘You know nothing, Jon Snow’, “I am only a young girl and do not understand the ways of war.” She uses this phrase sarcastically with everyone she negotiates with and says it one last time before she lays out her pretty clever battle plans. 
  • This observation seemed a bit tinfoil to be but it was funny that the leader of the sellsword company, Stormcrows runs away when Dany’s forces attack their camps while they are drunk on the wine she sends them and Jon is exposed as a crow to the wildlings and he runs away during a storm. This one gave me a laugh but it doesn’t seem very legit.

Overall, I LOVED these two chapters like I’ve loved nothing in ASOS, so much action and goodness packed into two chapters. I live for Jon & Dany chapter transitions like these where I get quality Jonerys content like this back to back! 

On Tonight's Survivor:

I am a transgender woman, only out to a couple family members and all of you online. I’m pre-transition but about to start, which is to say that I have not yet begun to know the struggles I will likely go through in life to be myself.

On tonight’s episode of Survivor: Game Changers (Season 34!), a closeted trans-man named Zeke was outed, both publicly and on the show, by a fellow contestant at Tribal Council. This contestant, Jeff Varner, was likely to be eliminated from the game and announced to the tribe that Zeke was trans, ostensibly as a ploy to make people distrust Zeke.

The initial response by both Zeke’s fellow tribemates and the host Jeff Probst was stunned silence followed by intense anger and sadness directed at Varner. All five tribemates lambasted Varner as Zeke sat in shock.

My reaction was the same as Zeke’s. I couldn’t believe that someone I had watched on my local news for years, someone who I had loved on two previous seasons, someone who was an openly gay man, could do something so mindlessly cruel to another person. I expect those type of comments from ignorant assholes and spineless politicians, but certainly not from someone like Jeff Varner. I also realize that Varner surely regretted saying it once the words actually came out, but that doesn’t undo his actions. I know I have said stupid things in my life, but I can’t say I’ve ever stooped that low as an adult.

Despite all of this, somehow the overall feeling I have tonight is joy. Something so tragic could’ve left me feeling shaken and sad, but the way Zeke turned the moment into a beautiful one amazes me the more I think about it.

After regaining his composure at Tribal Council, Zeke found the strength to say this:

“Being trans and transitioning, it’s a long process, it’s a very difficult process, and there are people who know. But then I sort of got to the point where I stopped telling people, because when people know that about you, that’s sort of who you are. There are questions people ask, people who want to know about your life, they want to know about this and that, and it sort of overwhelms everything else that they know about you. You’re no longer Zeke, you’re ‘the trans person’.

I think I’ve been fortunate to play Survivor as long as I’ve been playing it and not have that label, and one of the reasons I didn’t want to lead with that is that I didn’t want to be ‘the Trans Survivor Player’, I wanted to be Zeke, the Survivor player. And I feel like I am! So I’m okay. I knew someone might pick up on it or it might be revealed, so I am prepared to talk about it, to have it be a part of my Survivor experience. It’s kind of crappy the way it’s happened, but, you know.

'Metamorphosis’ is the word of the episode, and I feel like I’ve seen such a metamorphosis of myself over the past 52 days I’ve played Survivor. I don’t know if the scared kid who hit the mat in the marooning of (Season) 33 would be as calm as I am right now, but I’ve started two fires with just bamboo, I’ve won challenges, I’ve been part of blindsides, I’ve done all kinds of crazy stuff and I am a changed, stronger, better man today than I was then. So you know what Varner, it was really not cool, but you know, I’m fine.

You know Jeff, I’m certainly not anyone who should be a role model for anybody else, but maybe there’s someone who’s a Survivor fan, and me being out on the show helps him, or helps her, or helps someone else, and so maybe this will lead to a greater good.”

As incredible as it was to hear these words delivered so eloquently by Zeke, and on national television no less, it was the words from another tribemate that amazed me the most.

Sarah, a conservative cop on the tribe, was the most reserved person at Tribal Council while the chaos caused by Varner’s words unfolded behind her, sitting deep in contemplation. What she finally said blew me away.

“I’m just thankful that I got to know Zeke for who Zeke is. I’ve been with him for the last eighteen days, and he’s, like, super kick-ass. I’m from the Midwest and I come from a very conservative background, so it’s not very diverse when it comes to a lot of gay and lesbian and transgender things like that. So I’m not as exposed to it as much as most of these people are, and the fact that I can love this guy so much, and it doesn’t change anything for me, it makes me realize that I’ve grown huge as a person.

Of course we want to come away with the million dollars, but the metamorphosis that I’ve even made as a person that I didn’t realize until this minute is invaluable. I’m sorry it came out that way, but I’m glad it did. I’m so glad I got to know you for Zeke, and not for what you were afraid of us knowing you as, and I’ll never look at you that way.”

Seeing someone who has obviously never had to confront feelings like this so directly, and quickly realizing that she still loved Zeke for Zeke, with his being transgender not changing anything, gives me hope. It makes me realize that most people, when given the opportunity, will treat you with kindness and compassion. And maybe what they need to explore these feelings is to have a personal moment of realization like Sarah did. Zeke, and Varner I suppose, gave millions of people the opportunity that Sarah had tonight.

Some people will hold onto their prejudices regardless and demonize Zeke to fit their worldview. Perhaps they’ll never become accepting of LGBTQ people, or maybe it will take someone directly in their life coming out to change. But I know that some people watching tonight, who rooted for Zeke every week not knowing he was trans, are spending tonight reconsidering their values. That’s progress. And what a beautiful thing it is.

On a personal level, the handling of this moment by both Jeff Probst and the producers/editors involved in it make me proud to be a “superfan” of this show. It could have gone haywire and turned into a purely rotten situation, but instead became a truly important focus on what it means to be true to yourself in this world. I have always wanted to be on this show, roughing it in the rain with people scheming against me, trying miserably to untie knots underwater because I want to be treated to Adam Sandler’s latest film, feeling the euphoria of making it onto the jury, and even the slim possibility of winning a million dollars. I had never truly thought I could make it onto the show, and coming out as transgender initially made me think that I had even less of a chance.

Zeke changed that for me.

I want to make an audition tape now. I feel like if he can do it, and do it so well, then why the hell cant I? I know millions of people have had that same thought, but I’ve never once felt this sense of drive in my young life. I owe that to Survivor first and foremost, but also to Zeke and the, dare I say it, heroism he showed on tonight’s episode.

Maybe you’ll see me on a future season of Survivor, maybe not. But I know that I got something life-changing out of the show tonight, and I’m sure I’m not alone. If eight year old me, sitting there enthralled by the very first season of Survivor, could know just how big an effect this show would have on her, she wouldn’t believe it. Mostly because she was eight and didn’t know anything about anything, but still.

Tonight, send your love to Zeke Smith for bravely confronting what could have been ruinous and transforming it into something worth celebrating. Send your love to Sarah Lacina, Ozzy Lusth, Tai Trang, Andrea Boehlke, and Debbie Wanner for speaking up on Zeke’s behalf, being true allies to trans people everywhere, and showing that there will always be people in this world who will have your back when the bullies try to knock you down. And send your love to Jeff Varner, who made a terrible mistake, and has by all accounts suffered ten times over for it. Allow him to learn from this and become a better person as a result. He will be most capable of doing this with your love and support. Do not excuse his actions and similar actions of others worldwide, but fight to turn the negatives into positives whenever possible.

We can do this.

Love always,
Claire.