every name

Mom Deals With Local Traffic

When I was a wee thing, my parents moved out the the Highly dubious condo in East Palo Alto and into a relatively nice suburban neighborhood, into a house immediately across the street from my new elementary school.  Immediate, as in, less than 40 feet from the traffic circle.   Mom would wave at me from the driveway sometimes while I was in class.  This should have made getting me to and from school easy, but there was an issue:

I still had to cross the street, and because I was living in the over-caffeinated heart of silicon valley at the time, that meant dodging the local commuters barreling through the school zone at upwards of 40 miles per hour with no regard for the stop signs.

The flashing “School Zone” signs were ignored.  
The city refused to put in speed bumps or devote extra patrol cars.
One of my classmates grandmother’s volunteered as crossing guard, and some jackass in a BMW ran over her foot on the first day.

Now, mom declared as we drove Mrs. Manchez to the hospital her foot in a beer cooler full of ice, Would be a good time to take the law into my own hands.

So after dropping Mrs. Manchez off at the hospital, we drove to the thrift store, where my mom found a navy blazer, aviator sunglasses, a pilot’s cap and an old, clunky-looking hair dryer.  

The next morning, mom went out to the sidewalk in her new “uniform”, with the hair dryer and a legal pad so she could write down the grocery list.  Every time a car would come roaring down the road, Mom would look up, point the hairdryer at them, and, and write something down.  

I remember listening to brakes squeal all day the first time she tried it, Mercedes and BMWs screeching to a crawl as they passed the school, glaring at her.   By that afternoon, cars were creeping along at an over-cautious 10mph, and I was able to get home without taking my life into my hands.

After that, Mom went out “in uniform” every couple of days, because intermittent re-enforcement is what REALLY gets a change in behavior going, and point the hair dryer at anyone speeding through the school zone, usually while writing down grocery lists or short stories, or drawing unflattering caricatures of the other PTA moms.

Eventually, however, one of the cars that came through was a patrol car, and he slowly pulled to a halt in front of mom, glaring at her though his own reflective glasses.

She smiled an waved the hair dryer.  “Good afternoon!”

“…What’re you doing?”  he groaned, 3 in the afternoon entirely too early for this shit.

“Writin’ a grocery list.”  She beamed, and when that failed to satisfy him, she explained about the speeding problem and that if they couldn’t send a partol car out here to ticket people regularly, she figured that a hair dryer would be the next best thing.  Working like a charm so far.  They didn’t even notice the little airplanes on the Pilot’s hat.

The officer stared at her for a moment longer before his face broke out into a slow grin.  “Y’know, when we’re out of a car, we usually wear visibility vests.  So more people see you and your… Phaser.”

And that’s the story of how Mom and Officer Brown met and started the neighborhood watch program.

2

“Your hands are empty,” you note in a level tone, palms flat against the arms of your throne.

a piece for @callmearcturus‘s jam fic, chamomile, rose water, and other unlikely intoxicants, i tried to do a weird gif thing

companion jake piece probably coming up later, provided this art block doesn’t continue to ruin my life

5

this was a lot funnier in my head

I was hoping that Neville would assist me with the first stage of the operation, and I am sure he will perform it admirably.”  - Remus Lupin

as far as i am concerned, this operation-speak was a slip and is canon proof that the marauders used military-speak (operation, stages, point position, code names) when they were mayhem-making.

RAKONNA MATATA 
WHAT A WONDERFUL ZUG
RAKONNA MATAT- 
Killed a bear without knowing it had cubs and now she’s stuck with five hairballs that she named after each of her fingers.

Rakonna is on Wyrmrest Accord.  ʕง•ᴥ•ʔง And she will fight you.


Andromeda crew character summaries for people who haven't played the game
  • Cora Harper: Space mom. Likely puts a nutritious meal and cute little notes with smiley faces in your lunchbag. 10/10.
  • Vetra Nyx: Spiky space mom. Likely puts twenty bucks and a can of pringles in your lunchbag. 10/10.
  • Liam Kosta: Excellent space boy. Basically human sunshine. His smile has probably already cured you of a disease you didn't know you had. 10/10.
  • Nakmor Drack: Cranky space grandpa. Probably that one person at the family party who gets drunk on booze you didn't know you had and falls asleep against a wall. 10/10.
  • Pelessaria "Peebee" B'Sayle: The "hold my beer, watch this" space friend. I aspire to give as few fucks as her one day. 10/10.
  • Dr. Suvi Anwar: Absolutely adorable. A sweet, precious baby unicorn. Gorgeous. Licked a rock once and the rock blushed. 10/10.
  • Gil Brodie: Irreverent space engineer. That one college classmate who lets you copy his answers, but u have to buy him a beer after. Would probably lend u his kidney if u asked for it. 10/10.
  • Reyes Vidal: The one space uncle who looks and sounds like your dad but makes finger guns way more often and has way more money than him. You don't know why. You're not sure you want to know why. 10/10.
  • Kallo Jath: That one hipster dog-walker on the street who just seems super chill all the time but is currently wrangling 7 overly excited puppies who all want to go in different directions. You want to be his friend. You want to be him. Secretly the puppies are all his emotions. 10/10.
  • Jaal Ama Darav: Please just be kind to him, he's crying his best. 10/10.
4