Bailey: …but…who’s going to tell Mr. Murdoch? Logan: It’s not gonna be me. Thad: You’re the prefect! Derek: Obviously, a Stuart is not responsible for this. Cyrus: …here he comes. (Stuarts EVACUATE the scene) Logan: (walking up to Windsor with a resigned sigh) Stand down, I come on official business. (sounds of nerf guns being withdrawn) Logan: (knocks heavily on the doors) Charlie: (opens the door, holds out formal memo) I don’t know what the hell is going on, but I’ve been informed to hand this to you and to point out the line wherein they maintain that “it looked like grass”. Logan: (drags hand down his face) Right, I got it.
“The coffee is gone…” Thad started to laugh. “The coffee is gone.” His laugh went louder. “Weee, the coffee’s gone.” His laughter turned into sobs. “Oh my god, how are we going to live?!” Bailey’s eyes went wide as his fellow houseman started curling into the ball on the coffee room (kitchen) floor. “I’m never going to be happy again.”
Derek came through the door. “I sense a disturbance.”
“I sense a disturbance.” Bailey muttered, thinking about how his house might actually be crazier than Windsor.
“Bailey, what happened to Thad?”
“Oh, he –”
“Derek!” Thad wailed. “Derek! The coffee is gone!”
Derek paled. “…All of it?”
“ALL OF IT!” Thad shouted.
“Oh dear –” With that, Derek Seigerson fainted with a loud thud on the floor. Bailey’s eyes were about to fall out of his sockets. Everyone was way too dependent on coffee in this house. More and more Stuarts entered the room, finding their coffee all gone. They carried their fallen brothers out of the coffee room. Everyone in Stuart converged in the common room. Everyone looked dishevelled after only five minutes without coffee. Bailey found it completely ludicrous.
Logan sat on a chair, all hazed up for the upcoming onslaught. He didn’t want to stab anyone. Not really. But even in his medicated state, everyone was annoying him greatly.
“What do we do? What do we do?”
“I’m losing my mind.”
“What will Sonic drink?!”
“Guys, I don’t think Derek is breathing!”
“Logan, do something! For the love of all that is proper, do something!”
All of these voices melted together into a huge incoherent blend of words that poured on the blond prefect, who was already twitching on his seat. Only a matter of time now. Bailey thought.
“My whole brain is crying.”
“I think I’m having a heart attack.”
“Need caffeine, need caffeine, ceed naffeine, ceed naffeine, ceed naffeine.”
“Another one fainted.”
“Put him near Derek and the others.”
“Logan! Are you even listening to us?!”
“OH MY GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP, IT’S JUST COFFEE.” Everyone looked at Bailey, who’s eyes were as wide as saucers and face as red as a tomato.
“…You mock us, sir.”
“NO. YOU NEED TO SHUT UP AND DRINK SOMETHING ELSE. LOGAN WHEN IS THE NEXT SHIPMENT OF COFFEE COMING?”
Logan was a little scared and that was a surprise to him. “…In five hours.”
“YOU HAVE FIVE HOURS. IT’S A WEEKEND. GO CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND SLEEP OR SOMETHING. COFFEE IS NOT EVERYTHING. ARE YOU NOT MEN? GOD. MAN THE FUCK UP PEOPLE. IT’S A FUCKING DRINK.” Bailey stomped out of the room and everyone stood in their place in silence until his door was slammed shut.
“We should probably apologize.”
“I thought I was gonna snap at everyone.”
“…So what’s Sonic going to drink now? Water?”
I just really enjoyed putting the possible fact that Julian makes Sonic drink coffee