even when you're dead you keep sticking it to the man

anonymous asked:

first time with jungkook? both of you an idol and you're younger than him! fluff smut pls?

First time:

“Baby are you still coming over later?” Jungkook asked you as he leaned his forehead against yours. Both of you were on Music Core tonight and to make things better you were going head to head for best song of the week. You nodded your head smiling brightly at your boyfriend of five months. 

“I wouldn’t miss spending time with my oppa.” You said sweetly pecking his nose. Jungkook felt his heart jump at your confession but since you were younger and shorter then him he had to tease you. 

“I hope you feel that way even when we win.” He said eyes sparkling. 

“Yah! What makes you so sure you can beat us?” You asked him poking his ribs as he giggled backing you up against the wall sure that no one was around. 

“Because we’re Bangtan.” He said cockily before he winked. 

“Whatever. F.S.B are just as good.” You challenged looking him dead in the eyes.

“Ok. Fine. Since you think your so good let’s place a bet.” He said smirking when you paused.

“Fine.” You say sticking your nose in the air. “If I win you have to buy me food for a week and do my dorm chores!” You squealed happy at your answer and Jungkook nodded his head his eyes seeming to hold fire. 

“Ok jagi.. So sweet and innocent.. But as you know I’m a bad boy.. So when we win.. That virginity is mine..” He said grabbing your chin making you look at him. You blushed madly biting down on your bottom lip. You had been running from Jungkook every time he mentioned sex to you. You were scared because it was your first time. And though he only had sex with one other person you were still scared you wouldn’t be good enough. 

“Take it or leave it~” He coed sweetly watching you hoping you would say yes. He got tired of taking care of himself with his hand. He wanted- no he needed you. 

“Fine.” You said feeling brave. You weren’t one to turn down a bet no matter what it was. He smirked widely letting his dimples flash before he leaned down giving you a peck on the lips. 

“Good luck jagi..” He said his voice dropping an octave deeper before he left you standing there turned on and confused. 

You sighed walking back to your dressing room knowing your manager was waiting for you so you could get ready. He approved of the relationship and so did Bts manager so you guys always had time to see each other. But you were going on soon and you couldn’t be late. You got into the room changing clothes before going to perform with your girls. 

You stood on the stage nervous as ever as you guys waited for them to announce the winners. You had on a high waist black mini skirt with a white buttoned down shirt tucked in. You had on black suspenders with white lettering on them and your hair was in a ponytail with a bow at the top. You had on white pumps and you laughed on the inside at first hoping no one would catch on to what your managers did. 

Jungkook had on black denim jeans with a white button down shirt tucked in his pants and he had on black suspenders that had white lettering on it as well. He had on white converse his hair styled back in a wavy style and your heart fluttered at how good he looked. To make things better your friends wanted you to stand on the inside close to him and none of the boys in Bts had objections with him being by you. 

Everyone joked and laughed on stage and your face was red from the constant teasing. You knew people would know by the end of the night you two were a thing. Jungkook winked at you as the man opened the envelope to reveal the winner. 

“And your winner is.. BANGTAN!!” The crowd cheered wildly and so did Bts. You felt your insides churn but you cheered as well not being a poor sport. When their same ‘I need You’ came on you started to sing and play along with Jungkook. He walked around the stage with you back hugging you and you couldn’t help but smile widely at the cameras. It seems he didn’t care if people found out that you were his or not and that made you really happy.

When the show was over you told your manager where you would be going tonight and he raised an eyebrow nodding his head. He gave you a lecture about babies and sex and you whined cutely happy when the eldest of the group dragged you from the protective manager. You strapped in the car with them and you made your way down to the Bts dorms keeping your stage outfit on. 

Your heart beat heavily and hard in your chest and you panted at just thinking about what would come tonight. When you were there your friends wished you good luck and you replied with a shy ‘hwaiting’ and got out of the car. When you knocked on the door Suga opened it smiling widely at you. 

“Hello my little suga plum.” He coed ruffling your hair fucking up your ponytail.

“Oppa!” You whined glaring at him playfully as he hugged you.

“Ok now do I need to make ground rules?” He asked you.

“F-for what?” You asked feeling confused.

“It’ll just be you and Jungkook tonight. We all are going out to celebrate and he still can’t get into a club.” Suga said making half the boys in the house laugh as they came and greeted her. 

“No you don’t and get drunk for me~” Jungkook coed kissing your lips and pulling you into his arms as he watched his hyung leave. He had kept everything on except his socks and shoes as he waited for you and he was so happy that he convinced them to give you guys some hours alone. 

When the boys left Jungkook took your hand taking you into the kitchen. He wanted you to feel as relaxed as possible so he cooked and fed you before he led you to the shared room of him and Jimin. You guys cuddled up on his bed watching a TV show together just laughing and talking. You were rather ready for Jungkook but you waited patiently for him to make his move. 

Soon he was leaning in to kiss you pushing you softly on his back. You made a little moan unsure of how it sounded blushing as he slid himself between your legs. He braced hands on either side of your head and he broke the kiss to look at you. 

“Are you sure? Bet or not it’s your choice..” He said softly with care. He didn’t wanna rush you into anything.

“I’m ready to have you.. In all ways.” You said a light blush dusting your cheeks. 

Jungkook nodded his head leaning down to capture your lips in a kiss much deeper this time. He groaned softly at how thick and soft your lips was pressed against his. He stuck his tongue out to trace your bottom lip slowly asking for permission. When you opened your mouth he slid his tongue in softly flicking it against your pink muscle.

He leaned down taking your suspenders off of your shoulders before he pulled your shirt from your skirt unbuttoning it slowly. He let his tongue dance around yours a bit more as he got your shirt open before he let his tongue graze the roof of your mouth as he set you up taking your shirt completely off. 

He broke the kiss again to let you breathe as he leaned down sucking little hickies into your skin. Tomorrow you both had off so it was no harm in him marking you tonight. He palmed your breast softly through your bra as he searched for your sweet spot smirking against your skin when you let out another unsure moan. 

“Baby I love those noises. It’s only us don’t be shy.” He coaxed as he took your bra off throwing it on the floor on top of your shirt. He laid you back down kissing down the valley of your breast. Soon he was holding them pressed together his tongue circling your areola of both of your breast slowly enjoying your moans.

He took in your left nipple first biting and sucking on the bud marking it as his. He let his thumb glide slowly over the right one as he watched you a tremor of pleasure running down his spine. When he was satisfied with how hard your nipple was he changed sides doing the same to your other breast. He went to kiss down your body his hair nuzzling your stomach tickling you.

He pulled your skirt from your body dropping it to the floor and though you were shy you didn’t cover nothing from him. He smiled sweetly before he grabbed at your panties removing them completely. “Next time expect me to tease you more.. But right now this about you and I’m going to make sure you feel nothing but pleasure.” He said with a wink

He threw your legs over his head grabbing hard at your thighs as he let his tongue trail up and down your folds. He moaned out at how wet you were pushing his muscle against your clit flicking it. You gasped out softly tangling your hands in his hair already shaking from pleasure.

He let his tongue trail slowly down your slit before he was pushing it deep inside of your pussy moaning at how good you tasted sending vibrations up through your body. He gave slow licks at first getting you use to the feeling before he started to thrust his tongue harder and faster inside of your tight pussy. All your juices were dripping down on his chin and he buried his face inside of your pussy trying to make you see stars. But him being Jungkook he couldn’t have you cum without him.

He pulled away from you wiping his chin as he smiled kissing back up your body. “Undress me?” He asked softly and you nodded your head sitting up. 

You pushed his suspenders from his shoulders before you pulled his shirt out of his pants slowly unbuttoning it like he did you. When it was open your mouth got dry at the sight of his faint abs on his stomach and you vowed next time you would lick and suck on them. You pushed his shirt over his shoulders throwing it where your clothes was before you unbuttoned and unzipped his pants. 

Jungkook smiled getting off the bed letting his boxers and pants go down the rest of the way before he was crawling back over you and you laid under him. He grabbed a condom from the night stand ripping it with his teeth and slid it onto his dick moaning slowly at the feeling of it. He positioned himself at your entrance and you spread your legs wide for him to give him access.

He grabbed your hands lacing his fingers with yours placing them beside your head as he slowly pushed into you holding your eye contact. You whined out in slight discomfort the feeling of being stretched so new to you. He was big and damn did it hurt but you would take this pain for him. He inched in slowly and you gritted your teeth holding on tighter to his hands. He finally buried himself all the way into you and waited for you to feel comfortable.

Jungkook was trying his hardest to not just pound into you because of how tight and good you felt. He felt tremor after tremor of pleasure rake down his spine and he panted out to keep himself from hurting you. When you rolled your hips back against his that was all it took for him to start moving.

He pulled out and started to thrust into you slowly moaning as he watched your face. Your eyes looking weakly at him and parted lips spilling moans for him. He loved seeing your face twist in pleasure because of him it feed his own pleasure. 

He started to pick up pace a bit as you placed the heels of your feet on his ass cheeks your legs around his waist. The bed slowly hit against the wall as he fucked you and he made sure to whisper and tell you how good you were doing and how good you felt to him. He gave you deep slow kisses as he ground and rocked his hips deep into you making sure you knew that he wasn’t fucking you he was making love to you. 

Soon he was searching for your spot. Slamming his hips hard and deep into you angling his thrust different. When you cried out for him to go faster he knew he found it form the change of pitch your moans had. 

You were in cloud nine under Jungkook after a while you couldn’t even moan to him to do anything because your words came out jumbled together mixed with his name. You started to drool a bit from your mouth hanging open and you couldn’t even help it as your eyes rolled back. You saw white and you felt a coil in your stomach. 

“J-J.. C-close..” You mumbled out shutting your eyes and he smirked continuing to thrust hard against that pleasured spot making the headboard slam into the wall. It took a few more thrusts of his dick and you were tightening your walls cumming for him. 

“JUNGKOOK!” You cried out in a surprised voice your eyes watering from how fucking good it felt. Jungkook knew when you tightened up around him. That he would be coming consider he was close with you. He threw his head back his face twisting up in pleasure eyebrows knitted together and mouth open as he spilled inside of the condom. 

He rode out both of your orgasms beads of sweat falling from both your bodies. Too soon for your liking he was pulling out of you throwing the condom and packet into the trashcan in the bathroom. He came back with a towel cleaning you up before he placed you under the covers on top of him.. He went to tell you he loved you as he rubbed his hands up and down your back but when he looked down you were fast asleep.

“Goodnight jagi.” He coed sweetly pressing a kiss on your forehead before he fell asleep as well.

agthoven  asked:

If you're still taking prompts, can we have Luke talking with Force Ghost Chirrut and Baze?

There’s a terrifying sort of peace on Scarif, a silence that echoes in the Force. As Luke walks along the beach, the ocean to his right and the scant remains of the old Imperial Archives to his left, he can’t help but feel restless. There are too many dead people here.

Some of them even talk.

The first one he finds is a man dressed in robes that look faintly like a Jedi’s. He’s sitting cross legged on an overturned, gutted shuttle engine (more like floating, but it’s the ghost equivalent way of sitting and Luke doesn’t nitpick) with a long staff resting on his knees. It’s the first time Luke has ever seen a ghost holding a weapon.

“Hello,” the ghost says without turning around to face Luke.

“Hi. I’m Luke Skywalker.”

“Ah! Luke!” The ghost stands up, the staff in one hand, and spins around, and his eyes are white and pupil-less. The ghost smiles at him. “The Force speaks highly of you. My name is Chirrut Imwe.”

Luke nods. He’d heard of the man, and read as many records of him that he could find. There hadn’t been many.

Chirrut tilts his head to the side, no doubt an old habit from life to hear someone better.

“I sense you came here for a reason.”

Luke clears his throat and nods again. Wait. No. “Yes,” he says quickly. “Uh, can you see me nodding?”

Chirrut only smiles. “The Force sees all.”

Luke licks his lips and just decides to stick to nodding. “I came here to find some answers.”

“About?”

Luke looks at the distant desolation, already overgrown with plant life. “About Imperial projects. The Emperor is dead and the Empire is fractured, but still his projects find ways of coming back to bite us in the ass.” Luke sighs. “When they said this place was annihilated completely, I should have listened.”

Chirrut’s eyebrows raise up. “So it was a waste, coming here?”

“No. I mean, a little. Uh.” Luke rubs the back of his neck and gestures at Chirrut. “I met you. That’s not a waste.”

“No, I don’t believe it is,” Chirrut says. “Do you have any questions for me, young Skywalker?”

Luke points at the staff. “I’ve never seen a ghost with a weapon before.”

Chirrut looks down at his staff. “This is a walking stick.”

“I can see the energy core. That thing looks like it packs a punch.”

Chirrut grins, and his blue image flickers. “It did.”

“I–” Luke starts to speak again, but feels something like a cold wind brush along his shoulders. The hairs on his arms and neck stand on end.

“Don’t move,” a deep voice says behind him.

In front of him, Chirrut scoffs. “Really, Baze? He’s a guest. Luke Skywalker!”

“Luke Skywalker?”

Luke turns around slowly to find a tall ghost with wild hair and hard eyes and a mean-looking blaster cannon aimed at Luke’s center mass.

“That’s me. Nice to meet you…?”

“Malbus,” the ghost grunts.

“His first name is Baze,” Chirrut adds in. “He isn’t usually this rude.”

“That’s a lie,” Baze says as he walks through Luke and over to Chirrut. “I’m always this rude.”

Chirrut purses his lips. “Where’d you run off to again?”

“I was looking for you. Please don’t wander off like that anymore.”

“I barely went two feet. I swear, I die once in your arms and now you won’t let me out of your sight. Baze, my love, I do adore you, but I need space every once in awhile.”

“We’re ghosts in the Force, Chirrut. We don’t have corporeal bodies. We literally can’t take up *any* space.”

Luke politely clears his throat before they can continue with their banter.

Both Baze and Chirrut turn their heads toward him. Chirrut smiles; Baze almost looks a little less likely to kill him with his inexplicable ghost weapon.

Luke points. “Baze has a blaster. Why do you two have weapons?”

Baze looks from his blaster to Luke. “If you died in the middle of a bloody battle, wouldn’t you keep your weapon?” he asks.

anonymous asked:

If you had to pick your top 10 robron moments - like you're stranded on a desert island and you can only watch these 10 - what would they be??

anon anon this question… might destroy me….

(i reserve the right to change my mind when people inevitably remind me of scenes i have forgotten which should be here) (this was so hard to do i can’t actually tell you)

i’m strictly strictly sticking to robron only scenes because otherwise this list would be entirely different

ok in no particular order:

Keep reading

ladyknightthebrave  asked:

Hey if you're still doing prompts Jyn/Cassian for “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I’m going to take care of you.” (floating, sinking is some of the best stuff I've read all year . I've been recc'ing it on my own fic XD)

(!!!!! >///////////////////< Hush hush hush it’s not very good and there’s so much to fix about it)

So for some reason (maybe because I was thinking about this AU I’ve seen floating around Tumblr) the first thing that popped into my head for this was a The Man From U.N.C.L.E. AU. XD Hopefully that’s okay.

(…..grabby hands for your fic.)

(It’s been a while since I’ve seen the movie so I’m probably butchering it a bit. Also, I’m like…reworking some roles here: Cassian is the CIA agent, but has Ilya’s background (well, parts of it); Jyn is an ex-KGB agent who ran away to become a thief (combo of Napoleon, Ilya, and Gabi), and Bodhi is an MI6 agent who is despairing at their nonsense.)


“Right,” says Rook. “So we’re settled, then. Jyn goes in alone.”

Jyn, standing on the table, huffs through her nose. 

“I don’t like it,” Cassian says. He leans back against the wall near the door. “It’s too risky.”

“We don’t have any other option.” Rook rubs at his eyes. His hands are shaking, again, that nervous tic that Cassian still hasn’t been able to root out the source of. Unsteady hands don’t work well for a spy. Then again, nothing about Bodhi Rook says anything close to I’m the best spy British intelligence has to offer, but he’s still one of the most gifted agents Cassian’s ever had to work with. He’s not stupid enough to deny that. “Jyn–Jyn’s the one with connections to Krennic. He’ll suspect something if she comes with company.”

Cassian rubs at his jaw. He’s been clenching his teeth on and off for the past hour, which, coincidentally, is about how long they’ve been arguing about this. “You left East Berlin for a reason.”

“Because he dragged me out,” says Jyn, and looks hard at Rook. “To keep you from dragging me out.”

“That’s not the point.”

“I was the best they had before I left,” Jyn says. “The KGB’s been trying to find me for four years. Until you idiots showed up, they never did. You think I can’t handle Orson Krennic?”

That’s not it at all, but he can’t phrase it properly. His palms are damp and cold. “And if they catch you then both you and your father are going to wind up dead.”

“I know what I’m doing,” Jyn spits, and jumps off the table. “The tracker’s in place. I’m going in alone.”

She’s so tiny. He can’t believe he’s never noticed how tiny she is until this moment. Cassian looks at Rook, and Rook, to his astonishment, turns away to fuss over the surveillance equipment, whistling nonsense. Jyn hasn’t noticed. She’s fiddling with her earrings, simple studs, when he peels away from the wall.

“Erso.”

Jyn looks up at him through her bangs, scowls, and goes back to trying to put the stud in properly. “What?”

His tongue sticks to the roof of his mouth. 

“Figures,“ she says, and goes to push past. Cassian can’t remember reaching out, not really, but her skin is–soft. When he catches her bare arm in his palm (gently, not a grip, just a touch) it’s soft. Jyn stops, absolutely. She’s barely even breathing. The muscles in her forearm go hard under his palm. Still, when she lifts her chin, looks at him, her eyes are the greenest thing he’s ever seen.

“I want you to have backup,” he says. Rook’s muddling with the cameras fades into a buzz in his ears. “That’s all I meant.”

Jyn’s lips part, just for a moment. She barely blinks. 

“You remember what I told you in Germany?” He’s struck by how tiny she is, all of a sudden. She’s barely at his chin. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I’m going to take care of you.

“Andor–” 

“I was wrong back then.” Cassian looks down at her necklace, at her wrist. “You don’t need anybody to take care of you. I just–want–” 

Her arm goes lax under his hand. Jyn says nothing. Her eyes are wide and green and bright, and for the first time, he thinks, he’s surprised her. Cassian looks over her head, out the window at the water. 

“I just want you to come back,” he says. “That’s all.”

He lets go.

delightfullyhereagle  asked:

I love your newest WIP but here's a prompt for you if you're looking for a break from it: Michael's perspective from when he first finds out Sara has remarried.

He hasn’t had news on Sara or Mike in months. His system for gathering information from inside Ogygia, via an inmate whose brother works for a multi-national conglomerate and has a taste for Cuban cigars, dried up upon the man’s release via firing squad, and so far, his new guy, a C-Note type who deals in a currency of cell phone batteries and cigarettes, has come up empty. Day after day, Michael tells himself no news is good news: the singular purpose Poseidon might have for hurting his family is to torture Michael. If he’s not being tortured, neither are they.

He keeps to himself for longer stretches of time, seeking out solitude in the winding, dusty hallways at the far reaches of the prison grounds, crawling into dead spaces where drywall meets ancient plumbing, preferring to listen to the steady drip of rust-tinged water into clay dirt flooring than hear inmates’ complaints and banter. Without news, he lacks the drive he needs to socialize, work the floor, make a plan.

The single piece of paper is handed to him by some new guy, supposedly from Syria but reeking of the States or maybe Canada; he’s too scrubbed, his accent too careful, his story too polished. He hands Michael a pack of cigarettes, shaking the box when he stares at it in disinterest. Inside is a single slip of rolled paper tucked between cigs. When Michael extracts it and looks up, the man has matriculated back into the crowd of dirty, sweaty humanity.

It’s a newspaper clipping, a notice from the Ithaca Times, three lines. His eye snags on her name first, jumping out from the rest of the print as though in neon: Sara Scofield. His heart does a thump with each syllable, four pumps that send a rush of blood to his head. He sits down on the only available surface, a broken toilet seat at the end of the hallway. Sunlight filters through the only window, just a slit really, at the top of the wall. It makes the sand that’s constantly swirling in the air dance and glow like fireflies in mid-day.

After absorbing her name in print, he widens his perspective to take in the rest. It only takes a second really, to read it: a wedding announcement. No photo, no reception to follow, nothing but the record of a civil union in New York state to someone named Jacob Ness. Four days ago. The thumping starts in his heart again, but this time, each beat is an exclamation point that sends a stab of pain to shoot from somewhere behind his eyes to his brain. He squints at the paper harder. Reads it again.

Sara is married, his brain screams. Sara is married. Sara is married. 

He can’t move, can’t breathe, the sand motes catching in his throat, their glint from the sun swallowed whole. After a long time, past the time to eat, past the time for count, there’s nothing left of his brain to stab and he refocuses what’s left of his vision on her name again. She’s alive, he tells himself. If she’s marrying someone, that’s means she’s okay. She’s even happy, perhaps. 

He tries this new cadence in his head, hoping it will stick: Sara’s happy. Sara’s happy. Sara’s happy.

It’s softer, easier on the heart, and maybe could even be true. And if it’s true, it’s all that matters, isn’t it? Sara happy. Mike happy. The two of them whole and together and living their lives. And if this is the price: Michael, in here, in the half-light of a hazy, filtered sun, sitting on this toilet until fatigue yields to unconsciousness that releases him from another day, he knows he’ll pay it.

MUSICAL SENTENCE STARTERS.
  • ❝ Uh, do whatever you want, I'm super dead! ❞
  • ❝ You have a symmetrical face. If I took a meat cleaver down the center of your skull, I'd have matching halves. That's very important. ❞
  • ❝ Ring ring, hello? Oh, hold on, it's for you - it's second place. ❞
  • ❝ You know that I ain't bragging. ❞
  • ❝ I'm reading this from Wikipedia, so it has to be true. ❞
  • ❝ Let's hatch a plot blacker than the kettle callin' the pot. ❞
  • ❝ I bet I've got til lunch at least before everyone sees I'm a spaz! ❞
  • ❝ I'm not very hungry - just gimme a double Polar Burger with everything and a cherry soda with chocolate ice cream. ❞
  • ❝ Missed your midterms and flunked shampoo! ❞
  • ❝ Hey turn around, bend over, I'll show you where my shoe fits. ❞
  • ❝ Is that unfair? -- Oh wait, I don't care. ❞
  • ❝ The truth is that you're such a dork, you kinda make it cool. ❞
  • ❝ We got more balls than the team we cheer for! ❞
  • ❝ Miss Goody Two Shoes makes me wanna barf. ❞
  • ❝ Even mocking cheerleaders cannot hide the emptiness in my soul. ❞
  • ❝ They're dogs! No! Lower than that, they're fleas on dogs! ❞
  • ❝ I'm a trust fund baby, you can trust me. ❞
  • ❝ The dinosaurs choked on the dust, they died because God said they must. ❞
  • ❝ Happy kitties, sleepy puppies, tiny duckies, sparkly ponies... ❞
  • ❝ My teen angst bullshit has a body count. ❞
  • ❝ Give my love to the leprechauns. ❞
  • ❝ I thought you were a spoiled, rich, uptight little white bitch now I think you're just white. ❞
  • ❝ I am tired of living alone with my cat! ❞
  • ❝ You drink a lot of Red Bull, don't you? ❞
  • ❝ If I get blood on the carpet my mother will kill me. ❞
  • ❝ Some say that I'm a pompous creep - somehow I don't lose that much sleep. ❞
  • ❝ Such a blunder. Sometimes it makes me wonder why I even bring the thunder. ❞
  • ❝ Shakin' at the high school hop. ❞
  • ❝ I've got lots of experience with not fitting in. Do you need some pointers? ❞
  • ❝ Ugh. You've got a left hand, use it. ❞
  • ❝ Showing up here took some guts, time to rip 'em out. ❞
  • ❝ Keep that pelvis far from me! ❞
  • ❝ Thanks, but I don't need voices in my head today. ❞
  • ❝ You don't wanna hear all the horny details. ❞
  • ❝ I gotta go get my asthma spray... ❞
  • ❝ Your perfume smells like your daddy's got money. ❞
  • ❝ Does your mommy know you eat all this crap? ❞
  • ❝ Jesus, you're making me sound like Air Supply. ❞
  • ❝ Language, honey child, please. ❞
  • ❝ Like a beautiful blonde pineapple. ❞
  • ❝ I don't rat my hair! ❞
  • ❝ My dog speaks more eloquently than thee. ❞
  • ❝ Damn, you're in worse shape than the national debt is in. ❞
  • ❝ You're my last meal on death row. ❞
  • ❝ I've got a big butt, well so what? It's good as any other! ❞
  • ❝ I led a protest march against insensitive cartoons! ❞
  • ❝ Some people are SO touchy. ❞
  • ❝ Mama gave birth to the hand-jive. ❞
  • ❝ It's hot in here and kinda smells like someone wet the bed... ❞
  • ❝ Oh... I wanted to answer the puppy question? ❞
  • ❝ You're absolutely right - should have shot him in the mouth, that would've shut him up. ❞
  • ❝ I haven't slept since 1992. ❞
  • ❝ Malum in se is an action evil in itself. Assault, murder, white shoes after labor day. ❞
  • ❝ You need a cite a more specific grievance. Here's an itemized list of all these years of diagreements. ❞
  • ❝ Donate my car to crippled kids, or to those ghetto moms on crack. ❞
  • ❝ I'm, like, gonna cry - I got tears comin' outta my nose! ❞
  • ❝ Keep your filthy paws off of my silky drawers. ❞
  • ❝ Color me stoked. ❞
  • ❝ Yo, who the f is this? ❞
  • ❝ You've got the best friggin shoes! ❞
  • ❝ Keep it positive as you slap her to the floor! ❞
  • ❝ Come on! Let's go krunkin' in the parking lot! ❞
  • ❝ I've come of age to be a raging castrating bitch! ❞
  • ❝ I'll be Socrates throwing verbal rocks at these mediocrities. ❞
  • ❝ Really stick it to the phallocentric war machine! ❞
  • ❝ Must we all descend into madness? ❞
  • ❝ It's a work of genius. I couldn't undo it if I tried.... and I tried. ❞
  • ❝ Dear God... it's scented. ❞
  • ❝ Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. ❞
  • ❝ So go on, here's my head, just hit it with a rock. ❞
  • ❝ I want a devil in skin tight leather. ❞
  • ❝ You've come so far why now are you pulling on my dick? ❞
  • ❝ You know, for a greasy little nobody, you do have good bone structure. ❞
  • ❝ You ain't never caught a rabbit. ❞
  • ❝ Honestly, it's kind of draining... ❞
  • ❝ I just did what you wished you could but you don't have the balls. ❞
  • ❝ I'm dazzling! Magnificent! I am the one percent! ❞
  • ❝ Now what I'm going to say may seem indelicate... ❞
  • ❝ I'm gonna French kiss with tongue like I dreamed I'd do - and not just with my pillow! ❞
  • ❝ It's like hearing a ticking sound coming from unmarked packages! ❞
  • ❝ Someone's had their morning coffee... ❞
  • ❝ We're what killed the dinosaurs! ❞
  • ❝ I don't know what you heard, but whatever it is, they started it. ❞
  • ❝ Fine, okay, I'm gay! ❞
  • ❝ You can set my bones and I know CPR. ❞
  • ❝ Immigrants - we get the job done. ❞
  • ❝ Man. What rich, romantic planet are you from? ❞
  • ❝ Whaaaaaaat. ❞
  • ❝ What can I say? I'm a sucker for a happy ending. ❞
  • ❝ Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. ❞
  • ❝ Awesome... wow. ❞
  • ❝ I'm bigger than John Lennon! ❞
  • ❝ I will kill your friends and family to remind you of my love. ❞
  • ❝ If you're going for mediocre, you've done great! ❞
  • ❝ Alright, we can't break out of here, but we sure can break a sweat! ❞
  • ❝ Gotta be going to that malt shop in the sky. ❞
  • ❝ It's got groove! It's got meaning! ❞
  • ❝ When I fight I make the other side panicky! ❞
  • ❝ That is a metro hetero jerk! ❞
  • ❝ Love is like forever this is no time to economize! ❞
  • ❝ Their thinkin' is stinkin' and a little outdated. ❞
  • ❝ I'm probably too cool for you, so friend request denied. ❞
  • ❝ You're on Jiffy Pop detail. ❞
  • ❝ I don't have to always be right - when I'm with you, I just am. ❞
  • ❝ I'm raisin' hell and I'm a felon in a four foot frame. ❞
  • ❝ Guys who wear that get beat up on my street. ❞
  • ❝ It's like making love to you all night, NO WAIT! It feels so much better! ❞
  • ❝ No sleep for you, better chug that Mountain Dew. ❞
  • ❝ All I got was a running nose and Asiatic flu. ❞
  • ❝ You ain't no friend of mine. ❞
  • ❝ We have fought on like, seventy-five different fronts. ❞
  • ❝ I'm not freaking out, I'm really okay, I'm totally chill. ❞
  • ❝ If your Irish boy tires of you, you're allowed to shoot him in the knees. ❞
  • ❝ You ever see somebody ruin their own life? ❞
  • ❝ The more you jump around and scream, the sexier you seem. ❞
  • ❝ Peachy keen, jellybean. ❞
  • ❝ Both your hair and shoes are flat. ❞
  • ❝ Lookin' hot, Cream of Mushroom! ❞
The Neighbourhood sentence starters
  • "I'd like to be proud, but somehow I'm ashamed."
  • "Everybody's talking, but what's anybody saying?"
  • "Put me in the dirt, let me dream with the stars."
  • "I was naive and hopeful and lost."
  • "R.I.P. to my youth."
  • "If I told you that I loved you, tell me, what would you say?"
  • "If I told you that I hated you, would you go away?"
  • "Now I need your help with everything that I do."
  • "I don't want to lie, I've been relying on you."
  • "You can throw me shade, all it does is just cool me off."
  • "First it just threw me off, now I'm just moving on."
  • "I've been callin' you 'friend', I might need to give it up."
  • "I can admit, I am not fireproof."
  • "I hope I don't burden you."
  • "I tried to be someone."
  • "If I had done something a little bit differently, we would've moved in a better direction than this."
  • "You say that you love me, but you act like you don't."
  • "You used to adore me."
  • "You put me in harm's way."
  • "When we had our first kiss it was your favorite thing."
  • "You weren't lying when you said it would sting."
  • "Imagine our children; how fucked would they be?"
  • "Mommy's a psycho, daddy lives in a dream."
  • "Don't take this the wrong way."
  • "I thought that I loved you, but we weren't in love."
  • "You were my dream."
  • "So sorry, but your lady's with me."
  • "So shitty to be you right now, soon you will see pictures of us kissing on the mouth."
  • "I hate her new boyfriend."
  • "I don't wanna be forgotten."
  • "I'm fake and I don't get offended."
  • "You ended up with gold, but it started as a dream."
  • "I used to be broke, now there's money in my jeans."
  • "I want you to touch me there."
  • "Darling, your looks can kill, so now you’re dead."
  • "If I made it too hard for you maybe you should've changed it."
  • "I hope you find a way to be yourself someday."
  • "Change can be amazing."
  • "I pray for the best for you."
  • "Why’d you stick around, why’d you stay with me?"
  • "I couldn’t save it."
  • "I wish you could be honest with me."
  • "I am the chosen one."
  • "I could change all your minds."
  • "This is the one they won't forget."
  • "I want to be bad, I want to destroy you."
  • "I want the attention, I want all the cash, I want all the ass; is it too much to ask?"
  • "I get what I want."
  • "You think I'm a fake and I know you're a fraud."
  • "I'll fucking digest you, one kiss at a time."
  • "You wish I was yours and I hope that you're mine."
  • "You need to get off my mind."
  • "I'm never satisfied, it's never good enough."
  • "I knew it was wrong, but I thought about you still."
  • "I'm paranoid, I hate to sleep alone."
  • "I try my best, no matter what it's like I'm always wrong."
  • "I just need some peace of mind."
  • "I'm never the same, I change every week."
  • "I would ask for advice, but I just do what I like."
  • "I smoke cause I'm stressed, I try to get high, but it gets me depressed, I'm just tryna get by."
  • "I've got no man to follow."
  • "And I know that I'm shallow, but why shouldn't I be?"
  • "Trouble being alone, I've been losing my mind."
  • "I don't want any trouble, it just chooses to find me."
  • "I feel like you're worth it."
  • "We're made to love, but you're dangerous."
  • "I'll tell my friends about my fast life because they know me from my past life."
  • "I can't wait 'till you're back to California."
  • "I know a couple girls like you."
  • "I hope we can go round two, 'cause you know I wanna do it again."
  • "Being away from her, it makes me hurt, it makes me sad."
  • "I'll try to find another way, to make it work."
  • "I know what to say that will make you hurt."
  • "I can't even believe what you did to me."
  • "You can't even say I'm overreacting."
  • "Did I even ever cross your mind?"
  • "What the fuck am I supposed to do about you and I?"
  • "Fuck that guy, happy I don't know his name."
  • "My love never seems to come out right."
  • "I still love you even though you’re a fucking cunt douchebag."
  • "I’m sure you feel the same about me but, whatever, that’s it."
  • "I've seen it a million times."
  • "Everybody else so basic, stop tryin', please stay home."
  • "We got signed to a label and we infected the internet."
  • "I'm my own worst enemy."
  • "You were crazy, but I miss you."
  • "Now we're a little bit famous and I think I might hate it."
  • "I think I found hell."
  • "Don't tell them anything."
  • "You fooled me from the start when you let me start to love you."
  • "I'm leaving tonight, I'll be gone in the morning."
  • "I can't love her no more."
  • "She had all my trust, and I guess that was never enough."
  • "I want the world in my hands."
  • "Let's have an adventure."
  • "I don't mind if there's not much to say."
  • "We talked about making it - I'm sorry that you never made it."
  • "You knew the game and played it."
  • "Mr. know it all, had his reign and his fall."
  • "I'm having trouble in believing."
  • "How could you tell me that I'm great when they chew me up, spit me out, pissed on me?"
  • "When I wake up I’m afraid, somebody else might take my place."
  • "All my friends always lie to me."
  • "You’re too mean, I don’t like you, fuck you anyway."
  • "You make me wanna scream at the top of my lungs."
  • "I’m afraid somebody else might end up being me."
  • "I told you I would tell you everything you want to know."
  • "Everybody's watching me."
  • "I try to be as subtle as I can."
  • "It looks like you were right again."
  • "I'm from a little city with expensive taste."
  • "Shouldn't try to fix it if it keeps getting better."
  • "I wasn't listening at all."
  • "We were young, skinny dipping, having fun, I remember."
  • "And we all grew up, shit got tough."
  • "What a mistake, saying the way I felt."
  • "I was scared as fuck and out of touch, and I was still testing my luck."
  • "I guess there's something wrong inside."
  • "Maybe you're right, maybe this is all that I can be."
  • "But what if it's you, and it wasn't me?"
  • "What do you want from me?"
  • "She planned ahead for a year."
  • "I fell in love today."
  • "There aren't any words that you can say that could ever get my mind to change."
  • "You're a doll, you are flawless."
  • "I just can't wait for love to destroy us."
  • "You better not leave me."
  • "No food to eat, all the money's been wasted from last week."
  • "Some part of me feels a little bit naked and empty."
  • "I still believe something is out there."
  • "All I'll ever be is partly settled in."
  • "They show you how to swim, then they throw you in the deep end."
  • "Float away, then come right back to me."

zeeas  asked:

fic prompt: hi i'm kaladin stormblessed and you're watching disney channel

I sat on this for ages trying to figure out how to execute it properly and then realised a few days ago: why not replace the Disney Channel with a kid’s show I have known and loved since a tender age?

Keep reading

  • What she says: I'm fine
  • What she means:
  • {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...... place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} -Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry? -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she'll be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creacing} -I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars} {Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls} -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat} -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. {Fchoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take ot off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an orge. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -I'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -I don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -Shrek, What are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Our swamp? -You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -I'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawns} -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I said I like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs} -Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - - {Kissing sounds} -beast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? -Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an orge in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we? -Hold the phone. {Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -What you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh! -Ahem. -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chickle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh -Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's DuLoc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. -No kidding. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -I'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, Shrek? -I, um, I was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night. {Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge? -Yeah. An orge. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings fluttering} -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me? -Donkey! -Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs} -I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. {Deep sigh} -Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, orge. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly orge. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'll never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - - -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -I object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughting} -An orge and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! -You'll beg for death to save you! -No, Shrek! -And as for you, my wife, -Fiona! -I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! -I'm king! {Whistles} -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah! -Aah! -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. {Roars} -I'm a donkey on the edge! {Belches} -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? {Cheering} -Go ahead, Shrek. -Uh, Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? -I - - I love you. -Really? -Really, really. - I love you too. -Aawww! -"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form." -"Take love's true form. Take love's true form." -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? -Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. -But you ARE beautiful. {Chuckles} -I was hoping this would be a happy ending. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Oy! Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer and not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her If I tried -God bless us, every one. Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha Now I'm a believer Listen! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried -Ooh! -Uh! Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Hey! Not a trace Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind -One more time! I'm in love I'm a believer Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey Y'all sing it with me! I Believe I believe People in the back! I believe I'm a believer I believe I believe I believe I believe {Hysterical laughing} -Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. -I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertion Destiny or a slight diversion Now it seems I've got my head on straight I'm a freak an apparition Seems I've made the right decision To try to turn back now it might be too late Now I want to stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna be a millionaire someday But know what it feels like to give it away Watch me march to the beat of my own drum And it's off to the moon and then back again Same old day Same situation My happiness rears back as if to say I wanna stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home......... I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive Please tell me, baby, if all this is true 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives When we first met I could hardly believe The things that would happen and we could achieve So let's be together for all of our time Oh, girl, I'm so thankful that you are still mine You always consider me like an ugly duckling And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on I break a little something to keep my mind on 'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let's just rewind the song 'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years All night long Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh, yeah, yeah I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.............. Everything looks bright Standing in your light Everything feels right What's left is out of sight What's a girl to do I'm telling you You're on my mind I wanna be with you 'Cause when you're standin' next to me It's like wow And all your kisses seem to set me free It's like wow And when we touch it's such a rush I can't get enough It's like- - It's like Ooh-ooh Hey, what It's like wow Ooh-ooh, hey Hey, yeah It's like wow Everything is looking right now, right now It's like wow And I got this feeling This feeling it's just like wow It's just like wow You are all I'm thinking of. Like wow Everything feels right Everything feels right Like wow Everything looks bright All my senses are right Like wow Everything feels right Baby, baby, baby the way I'm feeling you Is like wow There is something that I see In the way you look at me There's a smile There's a truth In your eyes What an unexpected way On this unexpected day Could it be This is where I belong It is you I have loved All long There's no more mystery It is finally clear to me You're the home my heart's searched for So long It is you I have loved All long Whoa, over and over I'm filled with emotion As I look Into your perfect face

jamiemac26  asked:

I'd love to see a part 8 of cracking bones if you're up for writing it! 💙💙😊😊

I can most certainly do this!  Here is Part 8, comin’ ‘atcha!

(Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4  Part 5  Part 6  Part 7  Part 9  Part 10  Part 11  Part 12  Part 13  Epilogue)


Speeding down the highway, careening off onto an exit, Spencer yells at Morgan to go faster.

“The pedal is all the way down, Reid,” he growls, shooting him a look, “Just sit back.  We are only 10 minutes out.”

“She may not have 10 minutes, Morgan!” he yells as Hotch reaches over and squeezes his shoulder.

“Take a deep breath, Reid.  If you want me to let you go in after her, you have to keep a cool head,” he says.

“Fine,” he says, lumping back into his seat and taking deep breaths in, eyeing the clock anxiously as he ticks down the seconds in his head.

Just 10 minutes, Y/N…just buy us 10 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Happy?” he asks, sitting on the couch as you start to bounce your legs.

You had to go to the bathroom so badly.

“Sure,” you mumble, your eyes watering as the pain in your bladder grows.

“Don’t worry, just go to the bathroom, Y/N…I’ll clean you up,” he says, cocking his head at you as he stares as the bottom of the chair.

“Never,” you whimper.

Continuing to jiggle your leg, the splinters of the chair digging themselves into your calves, you wince as the pain grows.

Giving in, you stop wiggling your legs, shards of wood poking out of the back of your legs as tears start the drip down your face.

“There, there,” he says, bringing his knuckles forward and wiping your tears away, “Those eyes are too pretty to sweat.”

Whimpering as you start to rock back and forth, he scoots to the edge of the couch and leans his face to yours, his disgusting breath emanating from his yellow teeth making your nose crinkle as you attempt to rear your face back.

“You will move only when I say you can!” he roars, standing up and cracking his hand against your jaw.

Flying backwards, your wrists crashing to the ground as you tip yourself to the side, desperate not to dislocate them, you groan as a searing pain in your shoulder ricochets through to your sternum as you feel a hot, wet trail run down the backside of your leg.

“There you go,” he coos, tilting your chair back up after your urine is done puddling at your side, “Now, don’t you feel better?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Morgan dodges the lights, his sirens blaring as the two other SUV’s follow suit, Spencer begins to clench his pants within his fists as Hotch bellows above the roaring of the sirens.

“Up here on the left, take the unmarked pathway.”

Looking back at Hotch, he nods lightly to Spencer.

“Oh thank god,” he murmurs as he starts checking his weapon and his vest, ready to jump out the second Morgan stops the car.

Watching the horizon as a house comes in to view, Morgan shuts his sirens and his lights off, the other two cars following suit, as they slow down to approach the house, stopping about 3 blocks shy.

“What are you doing!?” Spencer harshly whispers.

“If we spook this guy and he runs with Y/N, we’ll never catch him,” Morgan says, whirling around and sticking his finger in Spencer’s face, “We care about her just as much as you do, and I’m not going to fuck this up because you’re anxious to get in there and prove you’re a man.”

“Shut the hell up, Morgan.  I want to get her because I love her!”

Pausing at his words, he shoots his eyes back at Hotch, finding Hotch already boring a hole in to his head as he opens his door and steps out.

“We can address this later,” he says, opening Spencer’s door and ushering him out.

“Right now, Y/N’s inside with the only man on the planet that wants her dead.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“See?  I told you I would clean you up.”

Feeling him lower you in to the bathtub, the water hot to the touch, your eyes water as tears stream down your face.

Finding the strength to lob your head over, drool spilling over onto your cheek, he looks at you with pitiful eyes as he props you up, holding on to your neck tightly to keep you from going underwater as he searches for a washcloth.

“We need to get this urine off of you,” he says coolly as he squirts the soap onto the washcloth, “You can’t stay in your own filth, you know.  A proper woman must be clean at all times for her husband.”

Husband?

You had prepared for a beating, and you had prepared for a fight…you had even prepared for your death.

What you had not prepared for was being drugged with a paralytic so that he could undress and bathe you after forcing you to urinate on yourself.

“I could take better care of you than that ol’ team of yours,” he says whimsically, brushing the washcloth over your breasts as he lathers the soap in a circular motion, “I mean, that Spencer…ho man…he does not like you at all.”

Looking up at him, your eyes wide as you attempt to move your jaw to say something, all that happens is that your tongue falls heavy to the bottom of your mouth, a light moan escaping your lips as you try to call out for help.

“Oh?  Do you like that?” he says, continuing to draw circles with the washcloth on your stomach, “I thought you would.  I knew you missed my touch.”

Trying with all of your might to move, you couldn’t.  The paralytic had seeped into every fiber of your being, and the only thing you could do was drool, cry…

And…apparently…excrete waste.

Watching as the water slowly turns brown, you see the anger growing in the man’s eyes as he grabs you by your hair, yanking you out onto the floor as your neck flies in multiple directions, your head landing solidly with the tiled floor as he kicks you in the stomach.

“You disgusting creature!  You can’t even hold your bowel movements!”

Crying onto the floor as you feel him haphazardly drape a towel over you, he murmurs how disgusting your body is as he drains the tub, walking away and muttering something about bleaching the tub.

Laying there on the floor, your gaze turned out towards the hallway, you feel your tears piling onto the floor, your nose breathing them back in as you attempt to not only quell your tears, but breath out of your mouth, as you hear the most miraculous words you had ever heard in your life.

“FBI!  Drop the bleach and get on your knees!”

Spencer.

Oh, dear God…it was Spencer.

Trying to desperately to move your hands, you find that the only thing that you can wiggle is your toes.

That’s a start.

Focusing on your feet, you try to move more and more of your foot, desperate to find any way to push just your head out in to the hallway.

“Where is she!?” you hear Spencer yell.

Moaning as loud as you can, you hear a pause before an incredible crash.

As your eyes widen, you hear Hotch grunt as another crash happens.

He’s killing my team.

Moaning louder and louder, your grunts turning in to groans that finally switch over to yelps.

“Down here!” you hear Morgan yell.

Continuing to grunt and yelp, desperate for them to follow your voice, you see a pair of shoes round the corner.

“Oh, my god…H-Hotch!  Hoooootch!”

As Morgan bends down and flips your body over, your spittle covering your cheeks as your red and puffy eyes glaze over as you look up at him, he pats you down with the towel, keeping great care to not reveal too much of your body, before wrapping you in another one that was off to the side before picking you up in his arms.

“Hotch!  She’s paralyzed!”

“We need a medic!” you hear Hotch yell before more steps barrel down the hallway.

“She’s paralyzed!?  Morgan, where are you!?”

Spencer again.

Hearing someone round the corner, you lob your head off to the side, your limbs hanging limply as he comes and cradles your head, holding your neck straight out as his other hand finds the back of your head.

“Oh, Y/N…” he says as tears spring to his eyes.

“We gotta move her gingerly, alright?” Morgan says, catching Spencer’s gaze before returning back to yours.

“You’re gonna be alright, ok?” Spencer reassures you, tears pouring down his own cheeks as he dips down lowly and kisses your forehead.

He…he kissed me.

And as tears of joy run helplessly down your cheeks, you find yourself careening down the hallway before being up on to a gurney, Hotch looking down at you as he asks, “Did he inject you with something?”

“We can figure that out later,” the medic says, “Right now, we need to know if this bruising is topical, or if there is something underneath.”

“I’m going with her,” Spencer declares, taking off his vest as he shoves it towards Hotch.

Lobbing your head towards him, your eyes wide and your breath shallow, he rubs his hands on your head as he dips down low and smiles weakly at you.

“I can be in a hospital without craving,” he says.

How does he know what I’m thinking?

“Let’s go,” he says to the medic, raising his head as he walks by your gurney as you are wheeled out for the rest of the team to see, with only a towel covering your body and the sounds of the nighttime to soothe you back to reality.

dhandelion  asked:

Hi ! I know you're going on vacations, and I don't know if you're taking requests but if ever you run out of ideas, how would you like to write something with Arya and Brandon (her uncle, not her brother) ? Or between Arya and Lyanna ? I never see them interract ever in fics (ok they're dead, but even in AU where they're not there is nothing)...

Arya is not frightened of her uncle Brandon.  

Robb pretends not to be, and Sansa doesn’t pretend not to be, and Bran just is, but Arya isn’t afraid–she’s not.

She heard her mother whispering about it once to Bran when her baby brother was frightened.  “The mad king broke him, she said, her voice gentle, her eyes sad.  Arya wonders what that means.  What does it mean to break a man?  What was her uncle like before he was broken?

There’s a scar around his throat, but they don’t see it often.  Her uncle, silent, hair streaked with white, haggard of face and empty of eye, often wears high-collared jerkins lined with fur.  Jon once whispered that it was a scar from when the mad king cut his head off and sewed it back on because it’s harder to kill a wolf than one would think.  Father had heard him, though, and had told him to be quiet and to stop spreading nonsense.

He doesn’t go outside often.  He stays and broods in his halls, and though he is the lord of Winterfell in name, he leaves the ruling of the castle and the North to her father.  Where her father goes among his men, Lord Brandon Stark sits coolly in his seat and glares when people talk to him.  “He misses his little sister,” Robb told her once.  “Father says that he loved Lyanna, and cannot bear that she could not be saved.”  Arya had chewed her lip at that.  No one speaks of her aunt Lyanna–at least not often.  Sometimes, when her father came to tell her bedtime stories, he would pat her head fondly and tell her that she looked like his little sister.  


It’s a sunshiny day, and Arya is in the godswood with Bran.  Bran is climbing in the weirwood and Arya is keeping watch, knowing that they’ll both get in trouble if he’s caught up there.  

There are some pink and blue flowers growing along the edge of the hotspring, and Arya picks them, weaving the ends of them together into a bouquet that sticks out probably in more directions than a proper lady would make, but a proper lady would only pick hothouse flowers and not godswood wildflowers.  

She keeps the bouquet in her belt when Bran descends from the tree, and they sneak back into the keep, knowing that Septa Mordane will be wroth with them for having disappeared, but if they go directly to dinner, she won’t be able to say anything because Father and Mother will be there, and Arya will have flowers for them.  For Father, she thinks for a moment, remembering her bedtime story from the night before.  He had said that it had always been Lyanna’s favorite.

As she settles in her seat, her eyes fall on her uncle Brandon, staring at his plate blankly.  He looks so lonely, she thinks, and glances at Bran.  She wonders how sad she’d be if something were to happen to him, and gets to her feet.

“Where are you going?” hisses Sansa, but she ignores her sister and walks along the length of the table until she reaches her uncle.  He doesn’t notice her, so she tugs at his sleeve.  His eyes are so cool when they look at her.

“I picked you some flowers, Uncle Brandon,” she says and pulls the bouquet–a little crumpled and still not neat and ladylike–out of her belt and hands it to him.  “From the godswood.”

For a moment, she thinks he hadn’t heard her.  For a moment, she thinks she’ll leave the bouquet by his plate on the side where Father usually sits.  Then he takes them from her, staring at the flowers, then at her.

It’s the first time that Arya has ever seen her uncle smile.  It doesn’t reach his eyes, but they don’t look quite so blank as he pats her on the head and shoos her back to her seat.

Thank you to @allthebros for running this little fest, for listening to me whine about this thing, and giving me a bunch of prompts to kick start something, one of which was the word “confession,” which is what I picked.

————-
K/T | 1.2k
————-

There’s something weird about the air in his lungs that night.

It’s a thing Patrick will remember about it later, when he thinks back to this–to them starting up for real–that there wasn’t anything out of place he would’ve been able to point to, nothing in particular that spurred it on.

A 1-0 win against Colorado, a little ugly. Cameras in his face about Scotty’s save in the last five minutes, standard. Hanging back in the dressing room just a bit longer with the guys, watching the Epix crew pack up–not as usual, but not unusual either right before their Christmas break, film people and all.

He stands there feeling that way though–full inside while Hoss talks to him about shitty Chicago-to-Slovakia Skype attempts. It’s like something’s happening, or going to, simmering underneath before Jonny’s even registered as anything more than the steady background buzz he seems to regularly occupy inside Patrick’s brain.

Patrick doesn’t even notice he’s walked over until Jonny’s right in front of them, stopping for a smile and a solid thump against Hoss’ shoulder, but still in motion, already moving away before, “Hey, guys, have a good christmas,” has completely left his mouth.

He smiles at Patrick too, plucks quick at his jacket sleeve, casual, before he’s taken long strides towards the doors and disappeared through them without waiting for Patrick’s chance to return the sentiment.

And he guesses he could point to that–blame it on Jonny, except that this isn’t new or weird either.

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  • "BRONY JOKE."
  • "With my wah."
  • "I don't care what anyone else thinks, I think you're hot."
  • "MOCK APPEARANCE?"
  • "Oh goddamn, you're ugly."
  • "You've got some issues, and I'm not sticking around to deal with them."
  • "Don't insult him, he's a god of shapeshifting."
  • "No, not in the toilet."
  • "HELP."
  • "Sick moves."
  • "Aw, what the hell...."
  • "Morning ritual - take a shit in the bush."
  • "I made him into a vegetable, man!"
  • "I JUST WANT SOME FUCKIN' JUICE."
  • "Goddamnit, ____, not again! You smug piece of poop."
  • "I am crying so bad."
  • "A moment like this needs music like this."
  • --> [ POKEDRAW ] <--
  • "Alright. I know the ____ really good."
  • "You know this is gonna be a fuckin' disaster."
  • "Lil' wink."
  • "How do I make him blue fast?!"
  • "Swiggity swooty, I am comin' for the booty."
  • "They are born with pants. These pants are flesh."
  • "BOO. BOOOO. SPOOKY HOUSE MOTHERFUCKER."
  • "Fucking great. Fuckin' ace."
  • "Lookit him. Give him some rose tinted fifties cheeks."
  • "Oh great. More horses."
  • "BEES. ....I hate bees."
  • "Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog. Dog?"
  • "This got grim so quick."
  • "How's he sitting?"
  • "Juicy."
  • "He looks like Dracula now."
  • "I'm gonna blow your mind."
  • "Somebody glued a Wheetabix to the cat."
  • "He looks like a cinnamon bun!!"
  • "This guy's goin' to work!"
  • "I can do this!"
  • "I tried. That's a bootleg ____ if I ever saw one."
  • "Screw you guys, I'm goin' home."
  • "He's got MIND BULLETS."
  • "This is not Zubat. It's AAAAAAAAGAAGHAGGHAHGA."
  • "This is totally the worst ever."
  • "Now we're stuck with... THIS!"
  • "Why did I put a dead skeleton on my face?!"
  • "Ugh, more birds."
  • "Everytime you hug them, it's a face full of spikes. Edgelord."
  • --> [ WINDOWS 7 DESTRUCTION ] <--
  • "What is technology?!"
  • "It's magic, ___, it's magic."
  • "It looks like a plate of oatmeal."
  • "This child has no idea what she's doing."
  • "I will change this for the better!"
  • "This doesn't look fishy at all."
  • "Oh my god guys. This comment section is from fake people."
  • "To make idiots think it's safe!"
  • "I DIDN'T DO THAT!!!"
  • "That's the most honest name for something. ____ Blaster. You will have nothing left."
  • "When I was 11 years old, I had a desktop stripper."
  • "The worst part, I couldn't get it off my ____, so I had to ask my dad to help me."
  • "Yes, I WANT THE GUN. GIMME THE GUN."
  • "Please, give me Jesus!"
  • "THE POPE! THE POPE!"
  • "IT EVEN SCROLLS!!"
  • "Oh, my sweet Jesus... There's Jesus."
  • "OH, THERE'S A BURNING SUPERDEATH SWORD!!!"
  • "Nothing says this's more welcome than a creepy smiley repeatedly jamming a welcome sign into his crotch."
  • "Don't stop, keep injecting me those smilies."
  • "I dunno what he's doing, but that cannot be a good way to live your life."
  • "It pains me to do this, and it will be the only one ever."
  • "This is a worse idea than the time I drank a martini with my eye, I legit did that once."
  • "I thought that everything was fine. But no. No no no no no."
  • "Animated Christmas Tree For Desktop?! Yes!"
  • "Look at it! It's the worst thing ever!"
  • "THERE'S SO MUCH SHIT ON THE SCREEN I CAN'T EVEN SEE."
  • "I blame you! You did this, you did this!"
  • "THIRTY?! ONE IS NOT ENOUGH!?!"
  • "Two hundred dollars?! For a MIDI?!"
  • "It sounds like farting in a bathtub. BLEUB."
  • "This is the worst image."
  • --> [ BREAKING ALIEN ISOLATION ] <--
  • "Pretty leggums."
  • "What if you have a bad dream in hypersleep and you can't wake up?"
  • "What is that?! That's the face of a strangle murderer!"
  • "Hey, we can do this. Hey, we can do this."
  • "GO FOR THE GOLD! .....FUCK."
  • "Guys, it's a spooky ghost in the vents! Go away!"
  • "Save me, Pochahontas! Save me!"
  • "Alien, please pry me off this thing."
  • "What're you waiting for! DO IT NOW!"
  • "Come on, I dare you!"
  • "'Advanced AI is unparalleled', my ass."
  • "Space poosy."
  • "He chucked a fuckin' traffic cone at me!"
  • "I see London, I see France, I see a dumbshit alienpants."
  • "Ok, drink up."
  • "Fuck you, karma."
  • "This guy's badly programmed. Like a bootleg OS."
  • "It's jazz, but in space!"
  • --> [ INSANE MARIO BOOTLEGS ] <--
  • "So uh, what exactly is this?"
  • "I'm afraid there's gonna be boobs."
  • "IS THAT JARJAR BINKS?!"
  • "What the shit is this!?!"
  • "Why is one of those Russian castles being pulled apart; what the fuck?"
  • "Hide in shame."
  • "GRAND DAD. FLINTSTONES?!"
  • "Oh, dios mio."
  • "Nah, screw it."
  • "What in mother Mary's name is this?"
  • "Why am I doing like this twerk-a-thon?"
  • "Am I a furry?"
  • "Shameful. Shame on you."
  • "Pronounce this."
  • "You know what seals the deal for me? When shit's got that rainbow tint to it..."
  • "Ohhhh... That's SONIC."
  • "Wait a minute, that music...."
  • "Woooooow."
  • "Let's see how they did this."
  • "That's just being so illiterate it's beyond anything else."
  • "Good face there, _____."
  • "It's Windows 2000...."
  • "What we have here is an enigma."
  • "Play it, maestro."
  • --> [ LINK THE MURDERER ] <--
  • "Is that a tinted mustache?!"
  • "What are you fuckin' wearing?"
  • "Yeah. Yeah! Yeah!!"
  • "This music is not helping at all."
  • "Let's see how big you can go."
  • "You know those advertisements on the internet that're like, 'try this new cure; I did and I got RIIIIIIIIIPPED'."
  • "PLEASE NEVER TALK AGAIN."
  • "Chest break?! Crack neck? Holy shit."
  • "Knock him out with a punch."
  • "Why are you having a conversation? He just went down cold."
  • "OH SHIT, 'E DIED."
  • "Go home. GO HOME."
  • "That's all I need, baby."
  • "Replace your sadness with piss."
  • "Can I body slam a BABY?!"
  • "Let's order a pizza."
  • "Nothing tastes as good as... Toilet joint pizza ghost party."
  • "Ghost... You want some pizza?"
  • "Oh no, what exactly is this?"
  • "I killed death. I killed a concept."
  • "Great. I've killed so many people that they blend into society now."
  • "That's just the weak leaving your body."
  • "I'm too busy to care. Fire? Whatever."
  • "The brain, brain, brain, brain, bRAIN."
  • "I'll be having children's tears on the rocks."
  • --> [ BEST OF DOS ] <--
  • "NAILED IT!"
  • "What's the worst that could happen?"
  • "I believe my patient is balls high."
  • "It's not brain surgery, but it is surgery."
  • "Strange, I've never seen a doctor operate with his bare hands before."
  • "How fucking dare you, alright?"
  • "I am back... for MORE."
  • "To understand surgery, you must also understand flesh."
  • "SATAAAAN. YAAAS. YAAAAAS. YAAAAAAAAAS."
  • "It's like crayons, but with more gore."
  • "I was a surgeon, but now I CAN FLY."
  • "HIGHWAAAY TO THE DANGER ZOOONE."
  • "The MIDI zone."
  • "Light the pipeweed."
  • "Put pipeweed in Frodo."
  • "YeeeAAAAH. YEAH. YEAH."
  • "I killed him 'cause he was hogging the bong!"
"Noise" One Shot

Author: dork-in-a-deerstalker

Summary: After a tough hunt, Reader and the boys head out to a bar to unwind. Things don’t go quite as planned.

Words: 1,800 

Warning: Misophonic episode, possibly resembling a panic attack.

Fic:

The case had been a tough one: a nest of vamps in some small town in Georgia. Sounds easy enough, right? It would have been, had we not vastly underestimated the size of the nest. What we thought was a group of five at most turned out to be a pack of fifteen. With a little help from Team Free Will’s resident angel, we kicked their asses, making it out alright. Well, our definition of alright. I had to pop Dean’s shoulder back in, and Sam wound up needing stitches, but hey! It could’ve been a lot worse.

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So A Horse Walks Into A Bar

Nobody really knew how it got started.  All anyone could tell was that one day things were normal – well, normal for them, at any rate – and the next, Sam and Gabriel were in the middle of a full-fledged joke war.

Not just any jokes, though.  Bad jokes.  The worst jokes possible, it seemed.

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anonymous asked:

Can you write an one shot where you hunt with Sam and Dean and it's a vampire hunt and you get bitten and when you all get back to the bunker they give you the cure but it really hurts you in the process and Sam stays with you and takes care of you? I really love your writing and you're taking requests so here I am requesting :) xxx

Awhh yay this sounds cute!

Words: 1636

Warnings: Slight gore

———————————————————————-

   At the height of your senses, you looked side to side with a tight grip on the blade in your right hand. You were aware of the presence of the boys at your sides, their bodies tensed like yours and the tension was keeping you all on edge.

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{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...... place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} -Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry? -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she'll be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creacing} -I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars} {Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls} -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat} -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. {Fchoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take ot off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an orge. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -I'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -I don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -Shrek, What are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Our swamp? -You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -I'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawns} -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I said I like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs} -Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - - {Kissing sounds} -beast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? -Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an orge in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we? -Hold the phone. {Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -What you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh! -Ahem. -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chickle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh -Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's DuLoc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. -No kidding. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -I'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, Shrek? -I, um, I was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night. {Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge? -Yeah. An orge. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings fluttering} -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me? -Donkey! -Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs} -I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. {Deep sigh} -Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, orge. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly orge. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'll never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - - -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -I object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughting} -An orge and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! -You'll beg for death to save you! -No, Shrek! -And as for you, my wife, -Fiona! -I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! -I'm king! {Whistles} -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah! -Aah! -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. {Roars} -I'm a donkey on the edge! {Belches} -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? {Cheering} -Go ahead, Shrek. -Uh, Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? -I - - I love you. -Really? -Really, really. - I love you too. -Aawww! -"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form." -"Take love's true form. Take love's true form." -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? -Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. -But you ARE beautiful. {Chuckles} -I was hoping this would be a happy ending. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Oy! Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer and not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her If I tried -God bless us, every one. Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha Now I'm a believer Listen! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried -Ooh! -Uh! Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Hey! Not a trace Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind -One more time! I'm in love I'm a believer Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey Y'all sing it with me! I Believe I believe People in the back! I believe I'm a believer I believe I believe I believe I believe {Hysterical laughing} -Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. -I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertion Destiny or a slight diversion Now it seems I've got my head on straight I'm a freak an apparition Seems I've made the right decision To try to turn back now it might be too late Now I want to stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna be a millionaire someday But know what it feels like to give it away Watch me march to the beat of my own drum And it's off to the moon and then back again Same old day Same situation My happiness rears back as if to say I wanna stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home......... I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive Please tell me, baby, if all this is true 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives When we first met I could hardly believe The things that would happen and we could achieve So let's be together for all of our time Oh, girl, I'm so thankful that you are still mine You always consider me like an ugly duckling And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on I break a little something to keep my mind on 'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let's just rewind the song 'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years All night long Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh, yeah, yeah I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.............. Everything looks bright Standing in your light Everything feels right What's left is out of sight What's a girl to do I'm telling you You're on my mind I wanna be with you 'Cause when you're standin' next to me It's like wow And all your kisses seem to set me free It's like wow And when we touch it's such a rush I can't get enough It's like- - It's like Ooh-ooh Hey, what It's like wow Ooh-ooh, hey Hey, yeah It's like wow Everything is looking right now, right now It's like wow And I got this feeling This feeling it's just like wow It's just like wow You are all I'm thinking of. Like wow Everything feels right Everything feels right Like wow Everything looks bright All my senses are right Like wow Everything feels right Baby, baby, baby the way I'm feeling you Is like wow There is something that I see In the way you look at me There's a smile There's a truth In your eyes What an unexpected way On this unexpected day Could it be This is where I belong It is you I have loved All long There's no more mystery It is finally clear to me You're the home my heart's searched for So long It is you I have loved All long Whoa, over and over I'm filled with emotion As I look Into your perfect face

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