Status longer than expected
It’s been a while I haven’t written anything worth posting, idle in my own world.
I have a lot to say but it hurts that when it comes to bringing it into empty blank pages because these thoughts run as fast as they can so I can not catch them. This time I don’t want to give up and I want to continue typing until they finally get exhausted from running.
It’s “winter time” here in Vienna, even though it’s more rain and sickness than anything else, not even snow is present, only people walking around sneezing their noses out of their faces and viruses catching everyone, even myself, it’s kind of a pity my immune system is always at the bottom of the earth, eating up my days by being only in bed because I can barely swallow a simple apple, this is how it is when you walk around bearing the stress of a homeless nomad trying to find a shelter from rain in the middle of an indifferent city.
I haven’t even written anything regarding the new year, I usually make long texts talking about the year that just passed by but this year I have felt a strong unwillingness to do so. Why? Not sure, maybe because I haven’t felt like myself for a long time.
I do remember the first time I left my country, I was a hopeless soul, I gave up to everything in my life this is why it was so easy to let go of all but now I have tasted all the wonders it brought me, I tasted freedom, new ideas and experiences, things I thought weren’t possible for me to ever witness and once you are on the brink of losing it all or even having the risk of losing it all can be a big weight upon one’s shoulders but let’s this whole story about my arrival and survival in Europe die once and for all can we? Sometimes I tend to romanticize the whole story more than necessary, I think talking about this has never lead anywhere, only judgment and people thinking I’m a brave person, I’m just someone who, like many others, wanted to survive this life.
Now talking about judgment it reminded me of something else: people. I have grown tired of having to explain to everyone where I come from, I want to establish a new rule: not saying where I come from, of course physically I’m not the typical blond German/ Austrian stereotype so every time I meet someone new, the first question that raises into the air is: where are you from? And since that moment, assumptions start, coming along with how old I am and there it gets even worse.
I have this anonymous friend who refused to tell me anything about his identity and I have to say it’s the first time I experience someone like that, of course, there’s this crippling mystery that makes all more interesting but I’m respectful enough not to ask anymore, and I have to say it’s a very fruitful and intellectual friendship, we, online ghosts wanderers of the internet finding people to relate to… I love how that sounds, I’ve been always an internet wanderer finding the most valuable people, and sometimes they find me. Life changing.
I was also listening to Alejandro Jodorowsky not so long ago where he claimed the following: “Free yourself from your name, don’t define yourself sexually (don’t define yourself for your sexual likings), free yourself from your nationality, don’t define yourself by your age” these words really spoke to me, also because of the way he communicates with such a passion and anger all combined can definitely describe how I feel about nowadays life… a combination of an eternal anger that fills my body mixed with passion and enthusiasm for the future and life itself. He also says the following: “How do I free myself from nationality? With all those passports on us, with all those stories. We must liberate ourselves from nationality, be terrestrial, extraterrestrial, intra-terrestrial, because we live not only in space but also in the matter, because life has no size, yourself with your life don’t have any size, you are giant in the macro cosmos and you are an atom in the microcosmos…
Something I agree with very much, but it’s sad many people can’t embrace this or even come to the idea of living by these ideals, yes, I admit I’m an idealistic and existential soul, a chameleon soul like the lovely Lana del Rey would say, a wanderer trying to grow as a human being.
Development is always on the horizon, I’m confident about my ability to cope with challenges, what I’m not confident about is of this society, cold and weary, trying to bring all that I build up down to pieces, lost in translation… It needs to work somehow.