even though i know it's a long process


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INFJ being: Feeling out of place most of the time. Like, I fit in most situations and everywhere, I am versatile and chameleon-like when need be, but as a result I don’t really fit completely anywhere. I feel the most comfortable when I am in my head. As far as relationships go, I notice that it is incredibly hard to speak to someone on equal grounds, I always need a ‘role of reference’ to know how I should pose myself. I am comfortable as long as I can fit a relationship in a predetermined scheme: mentor-student, mother-son, senior-junior etc. but conversations among equals, like student-student, throw me off.  My introversion has always been very evident: I have always needed my alone time, in which I overindulged because I am weary of the outside world and I do not trust my ability to navigate it.

Over-complicating and over-analyzing things is my second nature and it allows me to draw insightful conclusions and see meaningful paths, but it also makes it incredibly hard to act and be reactive to what is going on around me. There is a profound disconnection between the world outside and the world inside my head. A love-hate relationship exists between them: I crave sensory stimulation and meaningful relationships, but I don’t have the energy, will, or patience to invest in them and I content myself with just musing about it. During conversations, I rarely say a word or express my true feelings, rather I go with whatever everyone seems to agree with because preserving the group’s harmony is more important. When a topic I am passionate about comes up, though, I would gladly keep talking about it for hours and when people jump to the next topic I can feel all of my arguments still pushing to come out. Often, I will refer to a past conversation when speaking because I simply wasn’t done with it, even when most people were.

Ni is described as living in the future, which is definitely true: as I’ve said, I am disconnected from the now and have poor detail-knowledge about my past, but Ni is essentially a controlling function, who looks at the future not just to find meaning in the present but to create a specific course of action. It is goal oriented in everything it does, even though the goal, as well as the single steps, is not always well defined. In everything I do and am, I am a perfectionist, I need to always be in control: I set impossibly high standards for myself that I can never live up to because as soon as I reach my objective, the standards rise up again. Ni focuses on concepts and models and Se is very low in my stack, so it is hard for me to remember all of my accomplishments: when I can’t live up to my expectations, my self-esteem sinks a little more because I can’t recall immediately and factually all those times I succeeded.

Ni-Fe forces me to create an ideal image of myself that I need to project unto others because I want them to accept me and perceive me exactly as I want to be perceived, which makes me really hard to get to know and rarely spontaneous. I can be cold and detached when discussing an issue and close off my Fe long enough to choose a course of action without being hindered by feelings, which is why I often appear cold and harsh. Ti also makes me quirky and cynical: I have a dry sense of humor that people seem to appreciate even though it comes out only with those I am more familiar with. My imagination runs wild 24/7: everything I see or think about immediately triggers a process of consequences and I start tracing steps in the future and imagine its development. It feels so real most of the time that, when I come back to earth, it’s strange to see that none of what I have imagined was actually true.

I am an idealist at heart even though it is extraordinarily hard to express with words what I think or believe in. I strive to make people happy often at my own expenses but rarely realize that I am projecting my own idea of happiness onto them rather than understanding what would truly make them happy. Being a good listener is what I am best at: I am that friend that people come to not much for my counsel but for the empathy and my ability to just sit there and listen, even for hours, just hugging you when needed. Empathy is a big part of my personality: I am an emotional sponge and absorb the feelings of the people around me easily, to the point that I need to make a conscious effort to distinguish them from my own and prevent them from taking hold of me.

As far as Se goes, I enjoy sensory stimulation and rewards: I am an occasional adventurer, given some time to adjust to a new situation I will experiment and enjoy it as much as any Se user, even if for shorter periods of time. Routine bores me and I crave new and meaningful experiences. I practice ballet, I draw, I write, I paint, I am learning the play the piano, I travel, I enjoy watching cartoons and go out for long walks, I sing. Nature is always new and magic and I often find myself gazing out of a window and admiring it with wide eyes. I have camped and spent nights awake to watch the stars or wait for the sun to rise, I crave the excitement of new adventures but I not always have the energy for them: the time must be ‘right’. I do tidy my room, stretch, overeat or fast when I am especially down or need to feel in control again, sometimes I muse about getting drunk and let all of my walls down too, but it rarely happens unless I am truly sleep-deprived.

How others see me: people close to me see me as excessively introverted, cynical, logical, cold, wise, responsible, and occasionally too deep. They believe that I should engage with the world more and that I have a tendency to over-complicate simple things. My being ‘dense’ about the environment and what is happening around me occasionally annoys them. People less close to me see me as sweet and caring, timid, quiet and overly silent, maybe aloof. I have been described as a cinnamon roll but also as cold and insensitive. I believe I come off as an ISXJ to most because I rarely show Ni’s musings and my need to feel in control and calculate possibilities to be sure of their outcome can be perceived just as an attempt not to stray from routine or familiar paths.  

The perception of INFJ: mystical beings, too wise for their years, who know everything about you and everyone else in your life. Occasional manipulators, profound spiritual guides who will cry when they mistakenly kill an ant. Impossible to get to know, would rather spend all their life inside their heads than socializing or being in the real world.



Some people might not know but I have been in the process of opening a store in NYC Rey Mitchell. Opening of the store has been in the works for a long time. I had my book coming out, adopting Asher and getting settled with now ex in our home in California but the store on the back burner. My store manager called me and asked me to come out to give a final approval so we can open. Even though I love how it’s looking its still not ready in my eyes. I want this to be an incredible opening and it’s not there yet. I’m happy to sit down and talk about what we can do and what needs to be changed.

But here is a little sneak peak of a small portion of the store. <3

Not by Choice - Chapter 11
by Ilsia
By Organization for Transformative Works

“No,” he gives up with a sigh. “Even if you lost all your hair and went bald, I wouldn’t ‘dump’ you for that. I’d like to think I’m not as shallow as all that.”

Victor’s expression is truly horrified now, though. Yuuri observes curiously as his coach opens and closes his mouth wordlessly once, twice, then lets out a small noise that sounds almost like a whimper.

“Victor?” Yuuri asks, reaching for his face before hesitating. “Are you alright?”

“Bald,” Victor repeats faintly, looking seconds away from fainting himself. “I would never. Never. Yuuri, you’d tell me if my hair was getting thinner, right?”

“Uh,” Yuuri stares, perplexed. He had no idea the Russian skater was so worried about his hair, of all things. He thinks back to his earlier observations of self-assurance and nerves and mentally apologizes for ever thinking the fretting dork in front of him was someone who breathes confidence and charm.

“Your hair is fine,” he says, snapping out of his thoughts just in time to stop Victor from heading for the nearest beauty salon to pester them about hair care tips. “Really, Victor, it looks fine, you can’t leave in the middle of a competition!”


Thankfully, that seems to remind Victor of their current location, and he settles himself with a small tug at his fringe and a final, nervous glance to a nearby billboard, with enough glaze on it to show a faint reflection of them both.

“If I ever go bald, Yuuri,” he states solemnly, turning back towards Yuuri as if trying to impress the sincerity of his words, “you have my permission to ask them to make it quick and painless. I don’t think I could handle the torture of a long, slow death like that.”

“Victor,” Yuuri says as slowly and carefully as possible. “You do know that hair loss isn’t fatal, right? It’s not really even a disease.”

“It might as well be,” Victor whispers mournfully, running his hand through his hair as if to confirm its continued existence.

My favourite (rather irrelevant) part of the latest chapter  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). 

Thank you for over 10k hits. About to cross over the 300 comments marker as well, though I suspect almost half of those are my replies~

Also thanks @kyyhky for letting me ramble and rant at her during the writing process, and also for laughing at the above scene. I tend to feel more amusing than I actually am.

You can read from the beginning here!


Ethereal Chapter Nine: Explanations

Pairing: Dan Howell/ Phil Lester and PJ Liguori/ Chris Kendall

Rating: M

Length: 2,580

Warnings: Swearing and eventual fluff/smutt

Summary:  AU- Super powers. Dan’s not normal. In fact, he’s never met a single person exactly like him. No one else can move objects with their mind, just by a simple thought. He lives life carefully, limited interactions and semi-non-existent social life. That is, until a pair of sapphire blue eyes change everything. Dan Howell/Phil Lester, PJ Liguori/ Chris Kendall.

Notes:  This chapter is actually one of my most favourites to write. It’s always a toss up between this chapter and chapter 10. Enjoy C:

Link to prologue and previous chapter 

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Then why did you keep calling them by male pronouns in that ask about them choosing a vessel? Usually when an anon slips up with pronouns, you'll correct them, or at least pointedly make sure to use the right ones, but you called Napsta "he" and "him" like three times in a row.

Yeh it was an accident, I thought they were a guy when I was playing through the game, in part because I’m used to interpreting characters that aren’t coded as being woman as being man. It’s an unfortunate side effect of growing up with media that tend to hard code women to have a certain graphic markers like blush or eyelashes or pretty hair and I’d never even known about other genders and things until I hit high school. Even though I know about these things now I thought that way for a long time so I still mess up sometimes. Its a learning process. 

The important thing is that when you mess up someones pronouns or you use the wrong name or some other similar thing you need to apologize and make an effort to do better next time. 

Also I appreciate that is was brought to my attention! ‘Cause otherwise I would have been spreading misinformation and I really dislike doing that. So thanks for correcting me on that! I can stand a little embarrassment if it means I’m made aware of something I can fix!

anonymous asked:

do you think it's going to be a long coming out process for louis and harry? I don't know what I think :/

No, because the world at large isn’t invested in what One Direction are doing at all times. Do people know who they are? Yes. Are people going to care if two of them are dating and they weren’t ‘eased’ into it? No. Yes it will be a big story, but most people are going to move on with their lives after it breaks. The general shock will be within this fandom, even though…really are you that shocked, are you.

If they were papped holding hands today, what would happen? Think about it. A meltdown would ensue; chaos and crying and passing out, but that’s all of us. Not the general population. The media knows. People who know who Harry Styles is for the most part, think he’s into men. No one outside this fandom knows Louis has a ‘girlfriend’. If they do, they think she’s a beard. People are too focused on certain dates and making this more grandiose than it needs to be, and also forget about Harry and Louis in the process. This is about them, not us. They have been under lockdown for a very long time. I can’t imagine how that must feel, so their ultimate happiness should really be the only bottom line here.

I personally think it will be simple and soon because honestly, its time and they seem so ready.

“its been so long, its been so long’