even in college this still haunts me


School taught me that not knowing things was embarrassing.

After multiplication quizzes, I’d be called to the front of the room and asked if I had been studying in front of the “boob tube” since my scores were so low. Everyone would laugh. I was usually great at math, but this was the first time I was stuck.

I never failed a test until college. I was studying to be an engineer and failed many tests. Even typing this up it feels weird. Like it should be a secret and maybe these shortcomings can still come back to haunt me.

Tests were long and intense. Once, my 36% was a B. The teacher was impressed if you got through part of one question. Some tests were worth 20% of your grade and only had two questions. That means an entire letter grade was determined by a single problem. You had to know everything.

I made the mistake once of skipping over one of those highlighted grey boxes with side information in my textbook. There was a question on the test about that one paragraph in that grey box. I could tell you the page number, but not what was written there.

My manager at my first real job gave me the exam for my certification. After each question he would ask, “Are you sure?” He told me never to guess. Guessing gets people hurt. Just say “I don’t know” and look it up. Always look things up. Information changes as we learn. Memorizing means you could know old data. In school, saying “I don’t know” is shameful. At work, saying “I don’t know, but I’ll get back to you” was vital.

In Johannes Kepler’s first book, he though the planets moved according to platonic solids and used meticulous math to prove it. However, he is remembered for his later books where he proves himself wrong. He used observational data obtained from Tycho Brahe to determine orbits were actually ellipses.

I made two failed tests into platonic solids to remind myself that learning isn’t knowing everything at once. Knowledge should be pliable. Learning is a lifelong endeavor that isn’t meant to be done alone. 

I Would Wait

Paring: Dean x Reader

Request: Hey beautiful, I love you writing and I have a rather personal oneshot request. When I was 8yrs old, I was sexually molested and nearly raped by my uncle… It’s been 15 years now since it happened and yet it still haunts me. I can’t see myself in a relationship with anyone cause I’m afraid of being hurt again. I sometimes wonder if the the term “making love” even exists. Could you write me a fic where Dean loves the reader and wants to show her? Fluff and smut please! Thanks so much, you rock!

Warnings: trigger warningmention of past sexual abuse, College AU, smut, fluff

Words: 3468

Note: Thank you so much for having the courage to share this with me anon! It really gives me a push to write more when I find out that I have the ability to hopefully help someone through a difficult time. I actually know someone very close to me who went through this, and I hope that this helps. I love you, and always keep fighting. 

Ahh sorry it’s so long!! I really like this one, and I wanted to make this as real as possible. Also, it’s a College AU because I couldn’t really picture hunter Dean the way I wanted, especially after the season finale.

Keep reading

About College.

It’s okay. There’s really not much more to say about it. 

My fall term, I was given a story to write for The Dartmouth (our campus paper) about the admissions office and the upcoming class of 2020. Coming to college for the first time is a surreal experience, as many will tell you. There doesn’t seem to be any one moment when it really hits you - you’re in college now. That part of your future is over. 

But that moment hit me while I was covering this piece. The college admissions process, as long and torturous as it is, didn’t end with me. It goes on, cycling through the lives of high school seniors who are growing more competitive and smarter than ever. I can still feel that stomach-kneading anxiety, the moments when you wake up in the night wondering, “What if?” Apprehension and fear and hope and dread rolled together into a horrific mental ball and chain that you drag everywhere. You hear stories about deferrals, rejections, and the joyous acceptances of the lucky few, and you cast yourself in each scenario. Your brain becomes filled with these mini acts, played out for you on a stage made of your college application. 

The process of applying to college is like falling in love - tentative hope, and then an all consuming obsession that follows your every waking thought.

In a way, I think some residue from the process was haunting me, even now. I’m still comparing myself to this school, thinking “Am I good enough for you? Will you be good to me? What can we do for each other? Can I be happy with you?” 

When I arrived at Dartmouth before orientation, I made use of a stairwell that was next to my dorm room. It was humid, New England summer, and my Californian self wasn’t used to no air conditioning. I wanted privacy, but my room was a sauna, and I didn’t know anywhere else on campus that was cool, quiet, and devoid of human presence. So I went to the stairwell, where I sat and looked through my Instagram feed that was filled with pictures of my high school friends. I always thought of myself as someone who would never buy into that feeling of pathetic loneliness that arises from seeing people seemingly have much more fun than you at their respective colleges - but that was what I felt. I felt like everyone had already adjusted, even before orientation began. 

It’s been a very long time since I’ve sat alone in that stairwell, jumping nervously every time someone walks through and stares at me curiously. I’ve been at college long enough to start questioning my chosen major, I have a large group of friends who have no idea of what I was like before I was eighteen, and despite coming back home for the summer, something in me now belongs to Hanover, New Hampshire.

Dartmouth has made me happy in so many ways. I am privileged to be a student there. I never felt before that I could really do everything that I wanted to do, all of the project ideas and potential work that I wanted, but there, I felt as though I was rushing to catch up with the resources. To live at an academic institution is incredible. Even the stress and pressure I felt to do well are themselves privileges not afforded to individuals who cannot attend schools such as Dartmouth. In so many ways, I am grateful.

Yet college is also humbling. I’ve scaled my standards and lowered expectations for myself in comparison to my peers. An existential crisis is pretty much in due course, because for the first time in my life, I don’t really know what I want to do in the future. I’ve met some not-so-great people, I was very sleep-deprived, and I’ve found that I was always busy. As a low-income student and an Asian-American, I find that Dartmouth is sometimes overwhelmingly affluent and white. All of the support groups in the world can’t help me shake off the semi-constant feeling of socioeconomic inferiority. 

I used to think that the desolate, empty feeling of apathy and meaningless actions would end with high school. College would be so, so much better - a paradise compared to the endless toil of attending 7 AM classes drugged on coffee. 

Here’s the truth: College is okay. It’s great in some ways, terrifying and lonely in others. The shiny admissions letter from a prestigious university hides all of the imperfect moments - but that’s okay. College isn’t perfect, but it’s also four years of your life where you have the world at your fingers - and it’s four years I’m never going to forget. 

Beginning With The End

 Summary: Reader is Sam and Deans youngest sister who took off years ago, without saying a word. Changed name, great job, and new life. Until they cross paths again with some trouble. 

Characters:  Sam and Dean X Reader (Family) 

Warning: -

Your name: submit What is this?


Your office was silent. The only sound to be heard was the tapping of your pen as you reviewed the case your Boss had assigned for you. It wasn’t as big as the other cases you’ve handled, it was nice to get a break once in a while. there were only 3 murders so far. The first in Phoenix, AZ . Second in Denver, CO, and the third in Chicago,IL. Who this is, was making there direction clear, East, But for what? You couldn’t piece it together with the small amount of information you had. Every piece you had put together broke into a million once again as Agent Ross Hayes, a good partner of yours knocked on the door.

“what do you want Ross Im kinda busy.” you said, not taking a even a glance away from the pile of files scattered across your desk. 

“Well, I want a lot of things like, world peace, A raise-”

“I mean why did you come here?”

“Boss wants you down in the interrogation room, they just caught some guys that have been on the run a long time, they need you to crack the hotshot, hes giving them a hard time.” Ross said with a smile, he knew that you had always been given the worst jobs of them all, and knew how much you hated it.

you let out a long sigh.

“After you.” he said moving out the door way, as you got up from your seat. Ross handed you the file. 

“what did you say their names were again?” you asked opening the file.

“Sam and Dean Winchester, Countless murders, Bank robberies, Identity theft, and they even faked their death.. twice. You gotta give it to them. these guys are good.” Ross said, As his amazement grew for the two criminals, But they weren’t just Criminals they were your Brothers.  

The ones you left behind for a different life over 10 years ago. You couldn’t handle telling them to their face, so you decided to pack up and runaway. By now they probably thought you were dead.

“(Y/N)?.. you okay?” Ross asked looking concerned. You had stopped walking, and more importantly stopped breathing for a second. 

“oh yeah, Im fine.”


you opened the heavy steal door as it squeaked and scraped on the marble floor. “Dean Winchester… Long time” you said letting the file fall flat on the table.

The room was filled with dead silence and darkness looming over the two of you. “(Y/N)?.. is that really you?” he said almost choking on his words as if you were something impossible, unpronounceable, but all the same unforgettable. You nodded your head in silence pulling the chair out to sit down. You looked down at the folder flipping through all the files. 

“Identity theft, Robbery, Murder, breaking and entering, vandalism, assault … and uh.. Cult worship?..” you finished off the list. “what does dad have you doing these days?” you threw down the file and looked back up to Dean. 

“(Y/N), hes gone.. hes been gone.. for a long time.. just like you.” His words were cold and harsh. “and this is where you were all this time, while we were out there looking for you and, dad! (Y/N), we thought you were dead.” 

“Dean, I know and I am sorry-”

“Sorry! After everything we’ve lost, all that crap we went through”

“Dean, you have to understand.”

“Understand what! You left us, without a word. I thought I lost my baby sitter that night, and I never forgave myself for it.” He was the frame of a broken man, with nothing left inside. Tears streaming down his face, trying to fight the water works.

“I know that what I did was unforgivable, but It never felt right. I needed to know that their was more to life than death, Monsters, and fear. I wanted to have a family and a nice home. A real home! and be able to cook a decent dinner for once, instead of fast food. that life wasn’t for me and, I’m happy now, what would you do if you had a chance at what you wanted?” 

“I wouldn’t trust it.”


You sat on your coach at home watching TV, but your mind was in a whole other place. You always found yourself in situations like this, doubting your decision. You always needed to feel you were doing the right thing, but as of now it felt like you weren’t. You couldn’t imagine the kind of things that they had been through on their own, and you made yourself feel like you were the one to blame.

A knock at your door almost scared you out of skin. You walking through the living room you opened the door to greet The one and only Ross Hayes.

“Hey, Ross. What are you doing here? Its kinda late.”

“yeah, But you seemed kinda stressed, figured you were still awake, so i bought donuts and Ice Cream.”he said smiling wide and holding the groceries up.

he walked past you and into the living room to set up the snack session of a lifetime. you sat down next to him on the couch taking a bite of the delicious donuts. 

“So what was up with you today, you seemed out of the loop, so to say. And you being .. you. That obviously says something.”

“Its nothing Ross, dont worry about it.”

“oooh no! don’t you shut me out. I know that look.” He said smiling. But it slowly faded as he got more serious which was very rare for him. 

 "It’s just .. Family issue’s.. That’s all" 

“I thought you never talked to them?” 

“Yeah well, I was kinda caught off guard today.” You never liked having to lie to your best friend about your life. That’s what you loved about this life, no hiding, no lying, until now at least. 

“Its those Winchester boys .. isn’t it.” His word shot you with surprise.

“what makes you think that?” you said nervously, trying to hide your fear, after all you were a terrible lair.

“I-I heard you in the interrogation room earlier… I didn’t mean to I swear, I just heard shouting and had to make sure you were ok.”

“ohh… so you heard everything..” you said with a sad look on your face. You looked down at your hands not wanting to see his face that cold be filled with fear or disappointment in you.

“what are you so afraid of?” Ross asked softly.

“if I told you. You wouldn’t believe me.”


Sam and Dean sat in their cells. Dean pacing back and forth in the little room he had, and Sam legs shaking and fingers ruffling his hair in frustration.

“So she’s alive?” Sam asked his older brother.

“yeah and, she was absolutely thrilled to see me.” Dean said sarcastically.

“I’m sure it wasn’t like that.” 

“you weren’t in there Sam. She thinks she’s happy and on her way to a better life.”

“Well, maybe she is, Just maybe she was lucky enough.”

“I know you’re smarter than that. The one thing we don’t have is luck, ever.”

Both brothers remained silent after that. The door on the other side of the room slammed shut as in officer made his way in.

“Aw, Don’t be like that boys, we’ve been keeping a good eye on your baby sis.” and with a blink of his eye they became pitch black.


Ross continued to stare at you in wonder. he had managed to get the truth out of you, everything. “So I just took off.. went to college. I tried to forget about them,  and move on, but their faces just haunted me every night, and every nightmare I had as a kid just got even worse. sometimes I can’t even sleep, And I just told myself, one more, you can do this, and now I’m here I guess.. I just never expected them to find me.”

Ross still had the same expression. Eyes wide and mouth open. You were beginning to wonder if he froze. You let out a sigh and rolled your eyes away from him. “I don’t expect you to believe me though, not many people do.”

Ross began to laugh, Deep and hard. Your eyes locked on him once again as his laugh boomed through the room. Raising an eyebrow you continued to wonder why he had found this so funny.

“what’s so funny?”

he had stopped laughing than looked you dead in the eye as a grin grew on his face.“You Winchesters are all the same.. You never left, you’ve never escaped us.” You shot straight to your feet, As his eyes turned black but before you had maintained your balance your body was thrown across the room, and didn’t stop until it hit the wall like a rock. “we are everywhere, watching your every move. You didn’t honestly think we would let a Winchester off the hook did you?” You couldn’t move. He had held your body in lock against the wall with shards of glass sticking in your back from the broken picture frame that was hanging there. Little by little you were granted access to your mouth. Ross had been slowly losing his focus since he captured you, and you were one to take advantage. you whispered the exorcism under your breath.

“Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus

omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio
infernalis adversarii, omnis legio,
omnis congregatio et secta diabolica.
Ergo draco maledicte
et omnis legio diabolica
adjuramus te.
Cessa decipere humanas creaturas,
eisque aeternae Perditionis venenum propinare.”

“and your life story by the way, pathetic. How do you feel now, knowing Daddy’s in rotting away in Hell. He must hate you for not even trying to save him. You just ran away from them, and how about Sam and Dean, huh?” He said with his evil smirk as walked closer toward you. “They want nothing to do with some little bitch that left them for this Shit feast. The only reason they came back for you , was to take care of the loose end.” 

“Vade, Satana, inventor et magister
omnis fallaciae, hostis humanae salutis.
Humiliare sub potenti manu dei,
contremisce et effuge, invocato a
nobis sancto et terribili nomine,
quem inferi tremunt.”

you immediately  stopped as he had leaned against you body and whispered in your ear “and lets also not forget about your love, Dear Rossy.” he pulled away began to slowly walk and talk. 

“Ab insidiis diaboli, libera nos, Domine.
Ut Ecclesiam tuam secura tibi facias libertate servire
te rogamus, audi nos.
Ut inimicos sanctae Ecclesiae humiliare digneris,
te rogamus, audi nos.

“you can’t deny the chemistry you had with Ross, or me. what can I say. Oscar worthy performance, am I right? too bad it was all a lie. you were about to get close too, werent you? trust me honey I am way out of your league.”

“Terribilis Deus de sanctuario suo.
Deus Israhel ipse truderit virtutem
et fortitudinem plebi Suae-”

“I’m sorry, what was that? I couldn’t hear you.” he said angrily with a hint of sarcasm commenting on your mumbling.

“Benedictus deus. Gloria patri! Adios ,Bitch.” 

Ross’ mouth opened wide as he let out a scream along with a puff of black smoke violently moving throughout the house and out of the window. You fell hard on the ground being released from the demons hold. You made your way over to  what you assumed to be Ross’ dead body. You leaned over him checking for any vital signs. Just when you thought all hope was lost he opened his eyes and inhaled deeply in a rush. You were relieved.

“oh my God Ross, are you ok?”

He seemed blank and looked around the room in a jumpy manner. He had looked you in the eye with fear and confusion.

“who are you?”he asked.

you like you were caving in from the outside, as if every part of your existence started to fade away. Your smile of relief became a frown of disappointment. you felt empty, and Soulless there was nothing left of the woman you were. A frame with no picture. 

The Demon wiped away Ross’ memory of ever seeing you, And you wanted nothing more than to have a real trustworthy friendship again, but you were a Winchester. 


“the first thing im gonna do when i get out of here is send your sorry ass back where you came from” Dean shouted from the inside of the cell. 

The officer began to laugh. A knife pierced straight through his stomach. His laughing stopped and turned into screams as he lit up like a bolt and fell to the ground. 

Sam and Dean stared wide eyed as the absent body revealed there little sister. ”is that my knife?” Sam asked as he tilted his head in confusion. 

“yeah it was in the evidence room.” you said grabbing the key from the officer’s body. You unlocked the cell and handed sam his knife. 


“Dont thank me yet, we gotta go, now!”

Sam and Dean packed up the last of their weapons from the evidence room and loaded the car. You were all about to take off when Dean stopped before getting in the car.

“are you sure you’re going to be alright hunting with us again?”

you from Dean to Sam they both had concerns for you, and your needs. “yeah, Ill be fine.” you said. “there was nothing here for me anyway.” 

Aiden (Jack Gilinsky imagine)

| Requested by anon: Can you do a jack gilinsky imagine where you get pregnant by him but he’s dating Madison?

Part 2

“Hey, I uh, need to tell you something.”

“What’s up?” He asked while closing the door behind him.


“Jack?” I heard a high pitched noise say. Madison fucking Beer.

“I’ll be right there.” He shouted back. “Go on.”

“I’m pregnant.” I quickly said.

You must be really confused. Cause so am I. But long story short, Jack is my ex. We recently broke it off because he stated that he loves ‘Madison Beer’. My heart? Broken. My dignity? Gone.

I felt so damn stupid. “N-No. You’re fucking with me. Because I broke up with you.”

“Oh yes! Because I’m really lying about having a baby to get an asshole like you back!” I sarcastically commented.

He gave a cold laugh. Never thought I was ever in love with this son of a bitch. “Listen, I don’t have time for crazy ex girlfriends.” He raised his hands defeat. Oh my fucking God.

“You might’ve helped making this baby, but she or he will never know you’re the father.” I walked away before realizing I need to say one more thing. “I’m even ashamed, to call you the father.”

“Col, can you get Aiden please?” I groaned as I heard the sound of a crying baby. I heard shuffling and groaning next to me as I pulled the blanket over my head.

Aiden Cole (Y/L/N). Of course I didn’t use ‘Gilinsky’. Colin and I had full custody of Aiden and I was hoping Jack would never come back again.

I loved Aiden with my entire heart. He was a pain in the ass, but it was all worth it.

After a while the crying stopped and I sighed out if relief. “I love you, and Aiden, but I would love him even more if he didn’t cry every minute.” I managed to chuckle a little.

“Tell me about it.”

“Dude, I don’t think she wants to see you.” I heard Colin say. He was my boyfriend and was so positive with Aiden.

“I don’t care, but please. Let me just see him.” I heard another voice say. A voice that had been haunting me for ages now.


“Fine… Come in.” Oh no. “She’s still asleep.”

I decided to step up and talk to the bastard. “No she’s not.” My voice was soft and low.

“(Y/N).” He turned to me and his eyes widened.

“Jack.” I said coldly.

“Can I see him?” He asked right away.

“How do you even know where I live?”

“Cassie.” She was my best friend and came here everyday, until college started again. I had college myself, but I’m having a little break from that. “Please, (Y/N). Can I please see him?”

Was I going to let him see Aiden? Did he deserve it? No. But was it a little greedy to not let him see Aiden? Yeah. “Follow me.” I walked over to the baby room and opened the door quietly.

We walked over to the baby and I looked at Jack. His face was unreadable. “His name is Aiden.” I smiled.

“Can I hold him?”

“I-I’m not sure… He’s asleep and I don’t want to wake him, you know.”

“Please, (Y/N).” I sighed and lifted Aiden up carefully.

“I hope you know how to hold a baby. Sit.” He sat on the chair behind him and waited for me to give him Aiden.

I handed him my son and he smiled at him. He woke up and started crying again. Colin took him over from Jack as he mumbled 'it’s okay, buddy.’ to Aiden. “Talk to him.” He said. Colin got out of the room, leaving Jack and me alone.

“I’m so sorry. I know I am a year too late with that but when I saw a picture of him on Instagram I knew I messed up.” He admitted.

“Thank you.” I had to get over this. “I’m not gonna say it’s okay, because it’s not. But I am gonna ask if you’d some lunch.”

A smile creeped on his face. “I-Hop?”

“You know it.” I smiled back at him.

Maybe this could be a new start.

| Alright, so I have decided that the writing app on Tumblr is fucking SHIT. Anyway, thanks for requesting anon! xx

To the Birthday Boy - Patrick Kane

You know how, on your birthday, all your most embarrassing moments seem to come back and haunt you on Facebook?

Kaner, it’s your turn.

You have an odd propensity for putting strange things on your head.

Other things you do while drunk: sometimes you sing and it’s embarrassing.



Even though you missed out on the whole college experience, you’ve still got us fooled with your frat boy impersonation.

Although other times instead of looking like a teenage frat boy you look like a fifty year old accountant.

But somehow, you manage to turn around and look like this a few days later:

So I guess I’ll forgive you.

Happy birthday. You’re kind of a giant dumb, but hey: