The Greek Gods AU Literally Everyone Wanted
@ifdragonscouldtalk thanks for letting me write the greek god au this was literally the best thing that happened to me all day i love it. (Tony=Persephone, Bucky=Hades, Sam=Poseidon, Steve=Zeus, Rhodey=Demeter, Pepper=Athena, Natasha=Hecate, Clint=Hermes. Thor is Thor, you can’t change crap like that. He’s too godly.)
Bucky was in hell. On most days, that was a good thing. It meant things were running smoothly, souls weren’t arguing over whether or not they should be placed in a different section, and Thor sometimes talked about how he did a better job than Thor’s screwed-up niece Hela. (She was weird, Bucky tried to talk to her and she started talking about the End. Lmao, Bucky’s not messing with that.)
But today? Hell was in a totally different context. First off, there’s this soul named Sitwell who keeps bitching about the hellish part of hell, and how he should be in the Field Of Elysium. Bucky has to explain that since Sitwell is such a terrible person, he doesn’t get to go there.
The dog won’t settle down. Cerberus, as Bucky named him, was whining. Probably because Sam gave him smoked meat treats, and Bucky hates the fact that Sam can make his dog like him more than Bucky. (Bucky hates Sam, mainly because he tried to flood the Underworld, and that can’t be done, but no, Steve said that Sam was “just joking.” Just joking, Bucky’s ass.)
And finally, he has a dude just…covered in flowers wandering around talking with the dog. He pinches the bridge of his nose, and walks over. People aren’t supposed to get out of their death sentence, but some, on occasion, do.
“Hello Dum-E,” the man coos, scratching the dog under the chin. Bucky stops, noting that the man seemed to have named the dog.
“Did you…name Cerberus?” Bucky asks awkwardly. The man whips around, and…holy hell. Bucky is gonna be in trouble. The guy is covered in flowers, some making a small wreath around his head. His sandals are the color of grass on a cool summer’s day, and his chiton seemed to be stained with the color of small flower petals. Bucky knows who he is.
Or, as the Greeks like to refer to him, Persephone.
“If you named him ‘Spot’ so help me gods,” Tony says. “That head is Dum-E, that one is U, and the last one is Butterfingers. She dropped her treat after I handed it to her. I love them.” Bucky just stands awkwardly.
“Um, okay? What are you doing down here?” Tony blinks, before scratching Cerberus–U–behind his gigantic ears.
“I heard the barking! Also, I noticed that there is a severe lack of flowers in your home, and i understand aesthetic purposes, but you have no skulls for the arts. Natasha would be disappointed.”
“You…you know Natasha?” Bucky chokes. If he knows Natasha, then that means that he’s in potential danger. She likes her friends, especially the soft one. (Given that Clint, (hermes to the mortals) usually trips on his face and took a wrong turn into Germany, she likes him a lot.)
“I think I’m going to like it here,” Tony decides. “But you need more flowers.” Bucky is helpless as Tony starts decorating and talking to Bucky about something other than death and destruction and chaos. He’s talking about the new strand of Hyacinth that was just in today.
Over time, Bucky actually looks forward to the talks that he and Tony have. Bucky learns how to plant herbs so that his throne room doesn’t smell like total death, and learns all about Tony’s friends.
What Bucky doesn’t know is that Rhodey and Pepper, Tony’s absolute best friends, are looking for him. And they are tearing up the earth, searching high and low for him.
“He was picking flowers for Bruce’s party,” Pepper grumbles. “Because he had that new cup decoration to try out.”
“I thought it was because of his new threshing tool for me,” Rhdoey said. “Look, Athena, could you maybe get in an appointment with Zeus? Everyone knows he trusts you best.”
“If you call me Athena again, I’m suing?”
“Do we even know what that concept is yet?”
“Not sure, humanity is unclear. We’re going up and seeing Steve, though,” Pepper says, grim determination all over her face. “Come on, Rhodes.”
Steve, naturally, is terrified of the force that is Pepper and Rhodey. Rhodey on his own is fearsome, but combined with Pepper? Oh dear gods, that is the day that Steve hides.
So, they send Clint. It’s a disaster, but no one else will voluntarily go down and see Bucky calmly besides Sam, but Sam always tries to convince Bucky that Steve likes him more. (It’s a travesty.)
Clint walks in like he’s walking through Natasha’s closet looking for the purple toga that brings out her magic.
“Hi Tony!” He says cheerfully. “Pepper and Rhodey made earth suck because they couldn’t find you or get to you!” Tony blinks, another geranium poking out of an eye socket.
“Yeah,” Clint says. “I can’t go anywhere without putting on, like, six overcoats. Also, all the flowers died.”
“…I wanna stay here, Rhodey knows how to make flowers,” Tony says stubbornly. “Bucky has, like, no flowers.” Bucky gapes.
“It sounds like your Pepper and Rhodey have made a mini hell.” Clint, by this point, has grown bored, and already flown up to tell Pepper and Rhodey the news. They do not accept.
“Tony, flowers and stuff is your job,” Rhodey explains. Tony wavers.
“Bucky has portals!” Pepper and Rhodey are still on the fence.
“Tony,” Pepper warns. “You know how scatter-brained you are. You forgot to give Athens asphodel flowers for three weeks.” Tony pouts.
“Well, I’m gonna marry him,” Tony says decisively. Bucky chokes.
“When the hell did you decide that?”
“Two seconds ago,” Tony says.
By this point, Natasha, Steve, and Sam are all in, but Steve only heard the word ‘marry.’
“You’re married him?!” Steve asks, shock written all over his face.
Look: Tony doesn’t make the best decisions. He wasn’t the one who caused the Trojan War, despite what Pepper said. (She was jealous, alright?) So when he heard Steve, he thought that he was going to ban Tony from being in the Underworld and having some good times with Bucky.
So he shoves a whole pomegranate in his mouth. It tastes bitter, but also sweet, because he’s been working hard on them. Even if Bucky wouldn’t let him taste them.
“TonY NO!” Comes the collective shriek.
“Tonee yesh,” Tony replies, red gushing down his mouth in dribbles. He practically gargles the pomegranate juice.
“A-are you choking?” Bucky asks. “Babe, you okay?” Tony nods, spitting some of it out. “Sweetheart, I love you, but why? Why did you try and jam an entire pomegranate into your mouth?”
“To stay with you!” Tony says. “I didn’t want Steve to take me away!”
“No offense, but Steve is as harmless as a baby goose.”
“Yeah, but he hisses like one,” Bucky says. “Nah, I’m god of the dead. Dead trumps sky.” Steve rolls his eyes. “So, you still need to do your job, spend some time on earth with Pepper and Rhodey. Are you okay with the system of portals?”
“Yeah,” Tony says. “Sorry Pep, sorry sugarbun.” His friends, totally understanding what it was he was trying to do. “So, I’m thinking summer for the wedding. Everyone’s expecting spring, but it rains like a bitch during spring, and I like flowers in the summer.” Bucky just decides to do whatever the hell Tony says.
The wedding is beautiful. They get Thor to preside over the ceremony. (He’s a different god, he makes weddings more important. Also? Thor is a fun guy.) Sam makes beautiful fountains, Steve makes sure the sun shines, and Rhodey is in charge of catering. Natasha and Pepper plan the whole thing, although Natasha also makes sure that the Underworld stays as is.
Dum-E, U, and Butterfingers are all flower-dogs, and ring bearers. Butterfingers is wisely the flowergirl, as she would drop the rings.
“I love you,” Tony says, pecking Bucky on the cheek as they dance. “But I’m decorating your throne room with flowers.”
“Babe, I have to keep a reputation.” Tony snorts.
“You married the goddess of springtime and flowers, don’t kid yourself.”