P&P vs HP

Rather than doing any writing this weekend my brain has been humming over a dream I had about a Pride & Prejudice and Harry Potter crossover crackfic [that I will never write]. With Hermione as Elizabeth, Sirius as Darcy and Riddle as ‘I’m here to fuck everything up’ Wickham.

Tom (Wickham): Did you know Miss Granger, that Mr. Black didn’t turn up and join my… *intense coughing* political group like he promised, I ended up losing a lot of money and a great deal of pride over the matter.

Hermione (Elizabeth): Oh how awful [puts a hand on Mr. Riddle’s arm] I’m not surprised, though, he’s been a total wanker since he got here.

Lavender (Lydia): [looking at an unknown man that has unwittingly crossed her path] Well where’s his black robe? I don’t care three straws for a man without one.

Parvati (Kitty): *incoherent squealing*

Lavender (Lydia): I mean he hasn’t even got a shiny silver mask, it’s like he’s not trying.

James (Bingley): [seeing Lily (Jane) for the first time at the Hogsmeade assembly ball] I’m going to marry her, now, like right now, do you think the churches are still open?

Sirius (Darcy): *Disdainful pureblood scowl TM*

James (Bingley): I’m going to buy her a pony, girls like ponies, or a boat… or a house. Maybe all of it, maybe a house for the horses that I will buy and one for the boat. 

Sirius (Darcy): *facepalm*

Hermione (Elizabeth): [In conversation with Luna (Charlotte)] Mr. Black does look over here often I wonder what he can mean by it?

Sirius (Darcy): *intense eye fucking*

Cormac (Mr. Colins): I really think your refusal comes too quickly Hermione.

Hermione (Elizabeth): I assure you Mr. Mclaggen I am earnest in my response.

Cormac (Mr. Colins): More fool you, do you have any idea what I’ve got going on underneath this outfit?

Hermione (Elizabeth): 

Cormac (Mr. Colins): Dick for days, Miss. Granger. Dick. For. Days.

Molly (Mrs. Bennet): Are you insane for rejecting Mr. Mclaggen Hermione? No easter eggs for you.

Sirius (Darcy): So in summary, despite me finding your whole family entirely repellant to my surprise your bookish personality and need to speak every thought that passes through your mind totally without filter is strangely endearing. Will you do me the honour of becoming the next Mrs. Black?

Hermione (Elizabeth): *Incoherent rageful screaming*

Sirius (Darcy): Really? You’re not jumping at this?

Hermione (Elizabeth): *Something about house elves*

[Sirius, enraged walks to the door before pausing for a moment looking back over his shoulder]

Sirius (Darcy): I got the fancy thing right though yeah? Like that would be a bit of a blow.

Hermione (Elizabeth): *slightly flushed* oh yeah, I mean, your a total arse but beautiful in an otherworldly way that will make me start hating myself in about three weeks.

Regulus (Georgiana): Why am I in a dress?

> @laisvega (I hope I haven’t ruined P&P for you)
> @kreeblimsabs (I hope this makes you smile)

P&P vs HP 2

I was motivated to do a few more of these, be warned they are hopelessly out of order. 

Molly (Mrs. Bennet): Well girls I hope you’re all ready to die in the hedgerows as your father flatly refuses call on Mr. Potter. 

Parvati (Kitty): *inconsiderate coughing*

Dumbledore (Mr. Bennet): You mistake me, my dear, I have already called on him.

Molly (Mrs. Bennet): *shrill tones* What an excellent father you have girls haven't I always said so?

Lily (Jane): But why say you hadn’t father?

[faint squawking sound followed by a loud bang]

Lavender (Lydia): Where did he go? 

Sirius (Darcy): [crossing the room to get nearer to Hermione, intercepted by Slughorn (William Lucas)]

Slughorn (William Lucas): Hello there, I couldn’t help notice you were rather important and thought I should introduce myself.

Sirius (Darcy): And you are?

Slughorn (William Lucas): [awkward laughing] Oh, I’m a pretty big deal.

Lily (Jane): Hermione, did you hear that Mr. Riddle pursued sweet Miss. Weasley (Mary King) all the way to London?

Lavender (Lydia): Sweet, Miss. Weasley? Sweet. Miss. Ginevra Weasley?

Lily (Jane):

Lavender (Lydia): We argued last year in a hat shop and she punched me in the face.

Hermione (Elizabeth): I wouldn’t call it a punch.

Lavender (Lydia): There were claw marks.

Hermione (Elizabeth): [talking to Luna (Charlotte)] Well, I’m not saying that Riddle is the best man ever I’m just saying that I haven’t met anyone that could hold a candle to his unbelievably…

Sirius (Darcy): *interrupting noises*

Hermione (Elizabeth): [turning] oh for fuc… [sees who it is]

Sirius (Darcy): Miss Granger could I ask for this dance?

Hermione (Elizabeth): *blushing to the roots of her hair* Oh yes, of course, it would be an honour.

[Sirius (Darcy) walks away]

Hermione (Elizabeth): [Mimes sticking her fingers down her throat]

Luna (Charlotte): Impressive, I’d work on the look of disgust though, men tend to find that off-putting. 

Hermione (Elizabeth):

Remus (Colonel Fitzwilliam): May I say, Miss Granger, what a pleasure it has been to meet you?

Hermione (Elizabeth): [swoons] you may.

Lavender (Lydia): I can’t believe you won’t let me got to Brighton!

Hermione (Elizabeth): You can’t behave yourself here I can only imagine the mischief you would cause staying in a whole camp of Death Eaters. 

Lavender (Lydia): [Fans herself] A whole camp full of Death Eaters. 

[Writing a letter]

Hermione (Elizabeth): Please tell me Aunt unless you feel bound by the same level of secrecy that Lavender seems to believe necessary, how did Mr. Black come to be there?

[Reading the letter]

Minerva (Aunt Gardiner): Brightest witch of her age my arse.

Sirius (Darcy): Regulus! 

Regulus (Georgiana): [walks into view]

Sirius (Darcy): [looks him up and down and his mouth falls open]

Regulus (Georgiana): Before you say anything I like the dress, and I’m keeping it.

Sirius (Darcy): [Shakes himself] and the bonnet? 

> @kreeblimsabs @laisvega @curiouselfqueen @ashenrenee @ash-castle @nauticalparamour @indiebluecrown @summerisbittersweet

P&P vs HP 1