Favourite narrative tropes:

  • “That was ONE time!”
  • “Due to an administrative error”, or any major plot point which is caused almost entirely by bureaucratic fuckups
  • “Contrary to popular belief” appended to something that’s either really obvious or completely subjective
  • A character makes an assertion, then cut to the narrator contradicting it (‘“Everything’s fine!” Everything was not fine.’)
  • First-person narrators who call a specific character by a series of increasingly convoluted nicknames
  • Unusual narrative euphemisms. I still hold that describing around a curse word is almost always funnier than just using the word.
  • Establishing character moments which subvert your expectations right from the get-go. The best example is in the Brooklyn Nine Nine pilot, where Jake’s fooling around at the crime scene before revealing that he’s already solved the case.
  • Montages. Just montages of any kind, for any reason, anytime. I actually think they work better in text form because you can do so many creative things with them.
  • Side characters with a level of fourth-wall awareness / quasi-supernatural ability which is never quite certain, like the janitor in Scrubs.
  • Double meanings in narration that take a while to make themselves clear.
  • Really, really specific similes.

I was thinking this weekend about how awkward it was that Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them insists that Americans call muggles “no-maj.” First off, it just doesn’t sound like an abbreviation we’d use, and it sounds even worse in plural. But I finally realized the more important point: it’s too direct. Especially for the time period, Americans would never have been that straightforward in talking about a topic that sensitive. And so I would like to submit, in the spirit of early twentieth-century slang, a list of possible euphemisms we may have used for muggles:

  • He washes his dishes with a cloth.
  • He pays in nickels and dimes.
  • He rides the trolley to work. 
  • He takes his boots to the cobbler.
  • He’s grateful for Mr. Edison.
  • He’s one of Grisham’s boys. (here imagining that Grisham was a prominent wizard who famously fathered no magic children)
  • He dances on the ground.
  • He writes with a pen.
  • He’s fond of a two-piece suit.
  • He’s more King Arthur than Merlin.
  • He’s got to wind his pocket watch.
  • He gets his wax from bees.
  • His wife darns his socks.
  • He treats his ailments with tonics.
  • His portraits stay put.
  • His broom is only for sweeping.

I’m having a little too much fun with this, so if you have any to add, please send them over.

75 ways cis people asked trans people about their genitals

These are all real, and most come from screenshots on this blog. There are more out there obviously, and some of these are repeats / almost repeats. But… enjoy.

Feel free to reblog with your own experiences!

  1. Have you had the surgery?
  2. So what’s your genital situation?
  3. What do you have in your panties?
  4. How do you pee?
  5. So what are you naturally?
  6. Are you fully trans?
  7. Did you go all the way?
  8. Are you getting the bottom done too?
  9. So do you have a penis or a vagina?
  10. But biologically you are?
  11. Were you born male or female?
  12. What body parts do you possess / prefer to use for sexual pleasure?
  13. Do you still have lady parts?
  14. So you got pussy still? ;)
  15. Wanna trade pics?
  16. Were you born with a penis or vagina?
  17. Do you have a dick?
  18. What does your birth certificate say?
  19. Wait hold on; how many X chromosomes do you own?
  20. You don’t have a penis though, right?
  21. Is your transition complete?
  22. Just tell me if you have a vagina or penis, that’s it.
  23. What does your little clitty look like?
  24. How do you have sex? Like what do you do?
  25. As an FTM do you ever feel weird using your female parts?
  26. Can I see ur pussy?
  27. Like what is your current private part?
  28. So you have both male and female genitals?
  29. Do you have a duck or cagina you weird bitch?
  30. Hey your cute would like to chat and witch one do you have a cock or a pussy?
  31. Can I ask how big your willy is?
  32. I wanna no if your a dude with tits or chick with a dick.
  33. So, are you male or female? By biological and rightful definition?
  34. Do you still masturbate with your penis?
  35. Like do you pretend you have one or do you get surgery?
  36. Are you pre-op or post-op?
  37. Post surgery?
  38. U have a cock? Or u strap?
  39. Do you have a winky?
  40. U have a dick?
  41. Do you pee sitting down?
  42. So like do you have male or female genitalia?
  43. You already had the trans operation?
  44. Are you all done?
  45. Did you finish the process?
  46. Physically though your partner has male or female parts?
  47. You have a penis and a pussy?
  48. You had surgery? Or you a stud? How does that work?
  49. U have dick or pussy?
  50. Wanna swap dick pics?
  51. Describe your body for me please.
  52. And you don’t have sexual organs?
  53. What parts do you have?
  54. Are you have dick?
  55. Pic? Still have woman parts?
  56. What do you have?
  57. Can I see you naked?
  58. Do you have balls?
  59. U have a penis yet?
  60. So hot dog or hamburger?
  61. How far transformed are you?
  62. Does she have a dick now?
  63. So you’ve got a ding dong and a twit twat?
  64. Hey r u hung?
  65. So do you have both parts and which do you have on top and bottom?
  66. You have a cock how long is your dick?
  67. But anatomy wise?
  68. Soooooooo, about your genitals…
  69. How do you live dear, do you pee???
  70. So, what was it like getting castrated?
  71. Do you have a dick or a penis?
  72. Do you have a pussy or a vagina?
  73. So x you have. A y vahina?
  74. Trans as in you have a dick?
  75. Did you get a sex change?

anonymous asked:

Some human bodily functions weird/creep Black Hat the fuck out. Sure he's a monster beyond human comprehension, but fuck humans are weird man.

  • “so let me get this straight. You pay a person to drill holes into your teeth once a year, so he can say you’re healthy?” “Boss, most employers offer dental insurance–” “I KNOW! I just don’t see why it’s necessary?? Your teeth would be stronger without holes, right?”
  • “You soak in dirt water every day?” “It’s called a bath, boss. It’s really relaxing, you should try–” “GROSS NO.”
  • “Wow this candy tastes disgusting.” “That’s Dementia’s lipstick.” “So?” “You don’t. You don’t eat it, sir….”
  • “You mean your body just, shuts down?? Every night??” “And eventually, we shut down forever!” “So sleep is just… practice death?” “I, I guess?”
  • “Why are you always flirting with me.” “Flirting??” “THAT! That whole eye-closey thing! Stop it!” “….that’s blinking, sir.”
  • “Okay, no, you said crying meant sadness!” “It can be anger too. Or fear. Or happiness.” “….what the fuck
  • “Stop making so many noises!!” “…You mean, breathing?” “Ugh. So obnoxious.”

One time me and my friends were playing a game where each one in his turn would come up with a made up euphemism for being gay. Ridiculous stuff like “peels avocado in the dark”, “dances salsa in reverse” or “alphabet instructor”

Then one friend’s turn comes up and he can’t come up with anything so he’s like “men fucker”

Some people became villains to gain power. Some became villains out of hatred for humanity. You became one because your underlings keep interpreting everything you say as some ominous evil euphemism.