essay to self

I want people to be less afraid of autism.

Autistic kids need to be taught that they aren’t broken. Verbal or nonverbal, they can live happy lives and experience everything at the same capacity as everyone else. Autistic kids need to know this so that they don’t grow up into self hating adults, adults who grow up hating themselves for being a burden on their families or on society. 

I want autistic kids that aren’t afraid of themselves.

I want therapy that can teach autistic kids to be the best autistic kids they can be. I want nonverbal autistics to find a way to communicate in a way that’s comfortable for them. I want autistics to learn how to advocate for themselves and I want them to learn to love themselves and show themselves instead of repressing who they are. 

Parents of autistic kids need to be taught that their kid can live a fulfilling and happy life, because the current media representation of autistics is so bleak. The panicking, the feeling that they’ve somehow “lost” a child, is something that can be prevented with education and support. They need to see autistic adults on different ends of the spectrum, doing well and having fulfilling lives even if they aren’t fitting the neurotypical version of happy. I want parents that aren’t afraid of their children. want the anti-vaccine movement to be shut down, both for its poor science and for its ableist attitudes. I want children to survive deadly diseases instead of endangered by the fear of becoming like us.

I want autistic people to be more than “empty shells”, “changelings”, “stolen”, “missing”, “broken”. I want people to stop seeing murders as “justifiable” because they’re so, so afraid of disabled people.

Most of all, I want autistics to be seen as people.

I want a world that’s different from the one we grew up in, where neuroatypical children have the chance to be themselves without fear.

hi everyone, i’m not dead! i’ve got two more weeks of hell, then i’ll hopefully be back; possibly with open commissions if people are interested! (no breaks though, i have a portfolio to do over 3 weeks… “OTL)

‘til then, have a super quick nerris enjoying the summer warmth because it’s freezing here now…

It is the phenomenon sometimes called alienation from self. In its advanced stages, we no longer answer the telephone, because someone might want something; that we could say no without drowning in self-reproach is an idea alien to this game. Every encounter demands too much, tears the nerves, drains the will, and the spectre of something as small as an unanswered letter arouses such disproportionate guilt that one’s sanity becomes an object of speculation among one’s acquaintances. To assign unanswered letters their proper weight, to free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves—there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect. Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs away to find oneself, and finds no one at home.
—  Joan Didion “On Self-Respect.”
What happens over time is your brain gets trained into feeling certain emotions and you grow used to them. You literally memorize the feelings and they become intertwined with your memory of the literal experiences. Once your body has memorized a specific emotion associated with a particular experience, it will automatically trigger you to feel that emotion when any new and related experience occurs. Feeling these old emotions becomes routine–just like when you have peeled an apple so many times, you don’t think about it anymore, an emotion can be embedded into your muscle memory. Even if they are unpleasant, they become where you feel the most inclined to be because they feel “comfortable.” When you feel an emotion repeatedly, your body grows a tolerance to the feeling and it becomes simply “normal” and therefore, to move opposite the feeling causes a sense of fear and anxiety. The feelings you’re used to, just like the way you peel that apple–that feeling is what you know, it’s where you feel safe.
the 99 on tumblr

Jake Peralta:
basically introduces the squad to tumblr. reblogs die hard gifs and shitposts, but sometimes tags amy in cute love text posts and images of animals cuddled together

Amy Santiago:
Her blog is full of aesthetic images of study spaces, vintage (gina calls it ‘grandma’) fashion and home decor. also reblogs essays on self-improvement and conflict resolution. reblogs love poems and tags jake in them.

Raymond Holt:
At first, he rarely uses tumblr, but after he finds science blogs, his blog is filled with pictured of orchids and scientific phenomena. also writes posts about being a cop. Amy likes and reblogs all of his posts.

Rosa Diaz:
Her blog is 98% pictures of cool knives and other deadly weapons, but sometimes she reposts pictures of cute animals. which she deletes 3 seconds later.

Gina Linetti:
She doesn’t use tumblr. twitter is all she needs; her large fanbase keeps her occupied.

Charles Boyle:
posts constantly. the entire squad has had to resort to blocking him. he reblogs cooking recipes and pictures of dogs that remind him of his dead dog who humped everything. also reblogs any photo with 2 people/animals in it, tagging it with “me and jake”

Terry Jeffords: reblogs inspirational quotes about family and love. also rants about yogurt and yogurt related issues, which charles sometimes reblogs. he started following workout and exercise motivation blogs, but then porn blogs started following him. he’s blocked 127 of them so far.

Kevin Cozner: oddly, kevin uses tumblr… he reblogs images of classic lit art and quotes from classical texts, his blog actually looks really aesthetic. the whole squad fawned over kevin and holt being sappy and romantic when kevin tagged raymond in a love quote. they’ve never interacted on tumblr since.


It is the first day of a brand new month, and I am spending a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the library. It’s nearly the end of term, which means it’s close to the deadline for my three portfolio essays: so today I am finishing off my Wordsworth portfolio essay about the self in The Prelude. My 3 essays (on Thomson, Wordsworth & Austen) will be marked instead of a Paper 6 (Long 18th C.) exam, so they need to be amazing! I want to finish them early as I have quite a few things planned socially next weekend (birthdays, parties, etc.), and I want to be able to chill! 

 We also had our ‘room choosing’ day yesterday, and I can’t wait to share the view from my room next year, it’s beaut! 

 - Sarah

The censorship of Willow and Tara’s relationship in season 4 goes to show how sheltered Willow and girls of her time would have been to lesbian experiences or romance between women. This is still the case now for so many young lesbians including myself. (I accepted my sexuality around the same age as Willow. I had dated boys like Willow did. I had actually dated more boys than Willow did. You see where this is going?) 

Saying Willow is bi rather than could have been (definitely not “should have been”) is a microaggression against lesbians. It is lesbophobic. Stop it.

Yes, there are issues with bierasure in it now (read: Buffy) but you can’t just point at a lesbian who went through compulsory heterosexuality in high school over 15 years ago and label her bisexual when she’s been out and proud for years.

I firmly believe the decision to not fully explain this on the show came from not wanting to turn their relationship into a gimmick. I believe it was done out of respect but also due to their limitations on what they could say. Willow herself says on countless occasions, however, that she is a lesbian and clearly has no interest in being with men ever again once she accepts her own orientation.

Respect this. Respect lesbians. Respect our experiences and our stories. Actively seeking to erase us is wrong.